Gransnet forums


no grandchildren

(97 Posts)
camberwelle Tue 18-Sep-18 14:04:33

hello, it seems like i am not going to have any grandchildren, theres an awful big hole that cant get filled, i would like to know what others think and how they cope with the loss

OldMeg Tue 18-Sep-18 14:38:30

Is that a certainty camberwelle or an assumption? There’s many a Gran (me included) who thought this once upon a time, only to be surprised a few years down the line.

BlueBelle Tue 18-Sep-18 14:58:45

Well just to say Camberwelle my closest friend has three children The eldest is gay the second a daughter had a hysterectomy and the third a son and his wife are/we’re party animals and made it quite clear they wouldn’t be any children in their marriage However the party couple did have a delightful boy four years ago and my friend has just found out there is going to be a brother or sister arriving early next year So unless you are completely sure never say never

Bridgeit Tue 18-Sep-18 15:14:41

Hard to know what to say that would be of comfort to you, Camberwelle, it’s something that we assume will happen but it is not necessarily always the case.
There are many ways of being involved & helpful with young children, but obviously this would not be quite the same.
You don’t say if this is a choice or something that is not possible for your family, I guess either way you have to let the sadness pass & enjoy the family that you do have, best wishes, big hug

Madgran77 Tue 18-Sep-18 15:16:48

I do have grandchildren but I thought that I wouldn't! I made up my mind that I would join the "adopt a granny" scheme or similar to still experience and give experience to a child in a particular sort of relationship. Do consider it. flowers

M0nica Tue 18-Sep-18 15:42:49

I think getting used to the idea that there will be no grandchildren is very difficult, a bit like knowing you cannot have children. I have a friend in this position, her daughter died in her 20s and her son didn't marry until in his 50s and his wife is the same age as he is. She has said little, but I am aware what a great unhappiness this is for her.

I think your position is made worse because you are in a group that no-one thinks of, so it is never discussed, each person left alone with their grief.

I do not know what to suggest. Madgran has made one suggestion, counselling might help. Finding others in your situation might help.

Either way, if it does not rub it in, stay with us.

Fennel Tue 18-Sep-18 16:44:34

At one time I thought I wouldn't have any grandchildren. But TG one couple changed their minds, and another gave birth unexpectedly.
Still 2 without their own, and I feel sad for them. They've each adjusted in their own way.
I know it's not the same, but sometimes there are appeals for surrogate grandparents. That might fill the gap camberwelle.

luluaugust Tue 18-Sep-18 17:04:45

camberwelle you don't say the reason and not asking, but I have friends whose children have married late and babies are arriving to AC well into their forties. From your post it sounds like you have just been told something very recently so I can well understand your shock and upset.

Eglantine21 Tue 18-Sep-18 17:21:24

It is a bereavement and, like all bereavements, different people will find some things helpful and some hurtful. They will have different ways of coming to terms with the loss of their life as they thought it would be and the reality of what it is.

Are you ready to let us know you a little better, camberwelle. There are many people here who can help and support you, but we all have our different take on things and I’m fearful of saying what would be just the wrong thing for you.

notanan2 Tue 18-Sep-18 18:00:53

Hi Camberwell

I had children very late so will probably never be an "active grandma". If I do meet any grandkids I will probably be quite old, not the newly retired fantasy of showing my GCs my garden and hobbies and outings etc.

So for me its easier because the fantasy never fully formed. I dont expect to have any sort of "quality" grandparenting even if I do live to meet them.

If you have formed a dream/fantasy of potential grandkids then you need to allow yourself to grieve for that in order to let it go x

notanan2 Tue 18-Sep-18 18:03:21

Im more worried about how it'll work with friends. Their now adult children are beginning to pair up and some are settled. Are your friends all preoccupied with their grandkids? I imagine that makes it very hard. But it'll go through that phase and come out the other side. When your friends GCs are tweens/teens your friends time will free up again x

agnurse Tue 18-Sep-18 19:02:20

There are many things you can do to be involved with young people in the community:

1. Become an "adopted grandparent" to a family in your community.

2. If you belong to a house of worship, consider volunteering with the children's program.

3. Consider leading Guiding or Scouting.

4. Consider becoming a Big Brother/Big Sister to a child in need.

5. Look for other volunteer opportunities involving children. Schools and libraries are great places to start.

Eglantine21 Tue 18-Sep-18 19:05:03

Camberwelle, agnurse has no empathy. Don’t be put off by her.

Sometimes I think she is a machine that generates answers.

M0nica Tue 18-Sep-18 21:04:14

agnurse it is not about alternative s to keep you in touch with young people. It is how you feel, when you realise that having loved and nurtured your own children, you will not see further generations beyond that.

Like many other respondents, whose children married late and left family formation dangerously late. I too looked into the abyss for several years before, my miraculously fertile DDiL, produced two children without any problems or delays in conception.

I do not think it helps to say 'keep hoping'. My DD decided when very young that she would never marry or have children. Knowing what she is like I have never entertained any dreams that she might change her mind. She hasn't and, now in her late 40s isn't going to.

cornergran Tue 18-Sep-18 21:50:38

I imagine you’re talking about grief for what was a dream or perhaps an expectation, Camberwelle. The hurt is real and I’m sorry you’re experiencing it. My guess is that it’s like any grief, we’re all individual and what helps is as unique as we are. Depending on the reason there could be sadness for an adult child as well. Be kind to yourself, go with your instinct, it will get less painful and bearable.

Blencathra Tue 18-Sep-18 22:25:14

I would recommend being a HomeStart volunteer. You are a regular visitor and help a family with at least one child under 5 yrs. I felt it was a great privilege. I have now stopped after doing it for some years but keep in touch with one family.

camberwelle Wed 19-Sep-18 06:48:56

thank you all for your support and kind messages, its been a while, although there is a big hole where they should be its not so bad now, i am living with it,i hope maybe something will fill it one day, theres always hope

OldMeg Wed 19-Sep-18 06:54:27

I wish people would stop and think before they bandy words like ‘bereavement’ around. There are better, more appropriate words and phrases available.

OldMeg Wed 19-Sep-18 06:56:11

Hold onto that thought camberwelle ‘there’s always hope’

kittylester Wed 19-Sep-18 07:01:06

Thank you for starting this thread. It has been a wake up call for me. An old friend will probably never have dgc now but has been 'with me' as my family has grown. It had never occurred to me that each one might hurt her. She seems to have a full life but I will think about her feelings when i am flashing photos around.

I have another friend who only has one grandson and I know she would gave liked more.

camberwelle Wed 19-Sep-18 08:24:57

i usually listen to people rambling on about all the grandchildren they have, it gets annoying, but i just say oh thats nice and move on, i feel mean sometimes on facebook when theres newborns and i ignore them but i really want to be nice

sodapop Wed 19-Sep-18 08:36:53

I can understand and sympathise with your last comments camberwelle. I do have grandchildren and get fed up with people continually discussing theirs and passing round photos etc. I think there should be a five minute rule as discussed in another thread.
I'm sorry you feel sad about not having grandchildren but there is still time as others said. Don't let this colour things with your family, enjoy the life you have.

PECS Wed 19-Sep-18 08:49:15

My brother & SIL are unlikely to have grandkids. My nephews are fab young men & delightful sons. Eldest son is gay & younger son has a disability that may mean he is less likely to find a partner / have an income sufficient to be independent.
My SisinLaw has found this very
hard but they have become ' grandparents' to their godchildren's children and are enjoying this relationship. It may not be exactly the same but it is filling that space. As others have indicated ..never say never..we do not know the future x

Luckygirl Wed 19-Sep-18 08:55:12

I agree that Home Start is the way to go.

My brother and a close friend are in this situation: one is uncomfortable about it to the extent that we feel we have to not mention the GC; the other just takes delight in ours and all her friends' GC.

Eglantine21 Wed 19-Sep-18 09:08:59

Ah well, it’s just me who’s odd then.

I never found that “holding onto hope” was comforting.
Or going for a substitute for what I really wanted.

Not in any walk of life. I’m much more inclined to just cut my losses and go for something entirely different.

But do whatever helps camberwelle