no grandchildren

My son and his wife are unlikely to have children as DDL has a long term disease. Yes I am sad for them but they have very full lives. Humans are not an endangered species and people can make tremendous contributions to society other than giving birth.
At least that is how I try to think of it. One worry is who will look after them as they grow older.
Another thing is that research shows people who do not have children are happier together.

JaneA I don't think you needed to explain any further about what you meant by your post.

I understood immediately that the pronunciation of the girl's name sounded like 'a queer'

I also chuckled at the tale - don't be put off by the permanently offended who gasped in horror at the word 'queer' !!

My DD married late and despite trying has had no children. It is a constant sadness to her ,but she and SiL have a lovely life. My DH and I feel her sadness but would never go on about it to her. That would make everything much worse. She is a lovely aunt to DSs girls and enjoys being with them. DS and DiL are very generous in 'lending' the girls to her

I wouldn’t bank on gay children not having children. My Dils sister has just has a baby with her partner, who is a woman. Everyone is utterly delighted. The baby is gorgeous and much loved.
Gay couple are having babies, and why not if they are loving parents.

You have received wonderful empathic replies camberwelle, and I hope they have given you the support and strength you need to face your current situation. I have a friend , similar to the one Kittylester mentioned, who despite having three AC, for various reasons will never be a grandmother . She is almost a substitute granny for my three, and is involved as much as she can be in their lives and loves to see photo's etc. However, she's that kind of woman, and now this post has really made me stop and think that surely must hurt her at some level that she can't enjoy her own grandchildren, but you would never know from her demeanour.

I have four AC, My son married a much older woman who already had a grown up daughter , so they must have decided right from the start there wouldn't be any more as they have been married over 12 years now. I do feel sad for him in some ways, as he once mentioned, when their relationship was going through a rocky patch that he had missed the opportunity to be a father . However I had to point out that he knew this when he entered into the relationship. My youngest won't be having children either , the middle two have three between them. One being a " miracle " as she was told there was no way she could ever have a child .

Sorry I'm digressing , what I really wanted to say was take heart from all the lovely messages here, and when your friends produce all the photo's of the grandchildren, smile and then whip out some photo's of your own, maybe a holiday or recent break you have been on . Finally , sometimes being a grandparent isn't the pretty picture that's often portrayed. Lots of grandparents face stress and sadness due to family disputes and other issues, and that can be almost worse ! Take care and hope you have been helped in some way by the lovely replies .

Thank you JenniferEccles

I am not a grandmother, maybe I will be one day, maybe not. But I am rather disturbed by the number of women who live only for their grandchildren. What about your own life, your friends, your husband/partner, your family, your interests? My DM loved her grandchildren but they were not the absolute centre of her universe, she was her own person before I came along all those years ago, was very much her own person with a career and interests while I was growing up, and was still very much that person when her beloved grandchildren arrived. I hope this does not offend, but children and grandchildren are not a right, they are not there to fulfill other people's needs, however much loved they are.

Although it is lovely to have grandchildren, sometimes the reality can be somewhat different to what was anticipated.

I have two friends whose retirement has been totally dominated by the childcare demands of their grown up children.
One friend in particular is, in her words, "run ragged" by having to look after her daughter's two pre-school age children most of the week. Her daughter and her husband bought a large house which basically they couldn't afford unless the daughter went back to work full time. They have said they can't afford childcare so my friend felt duty bound to agree. Most of the time she is exhausted, and has said that much as she loves her grandchildren, she really hadn't envisaged spending her retirement doing so much childcare.

So you see, there is always another side to every scenario.

JenniferEccles, very good point, I have a friend in a very similar situation and has found herself moving from being a grandmother to a full time childminder, with all the associated problems of discipline and full on daily care. She has to attend the school when theres problems , take the children to the GP when they are ill, basically be their parent .One of her adult children had a dreadful tragedy last year so as well as caring for the grandchildren she has to ensure her AC is ok and managing her depression . I don't know how she is still functioning .

It's dreadful isn't it? All these adult children making such demands on their retired mothers. There is no way I would have expected my mother to take on my role of raising my children.

Of course, some will say it's a question of financial necessity these days, but I'm not so sure. I think it's more a case of the extra salary from the women paying for the 'wants' rather than the 'needs'

It sounds a very difficult situation for your friend clementine

GillT57 I agree! I do some weekly regular care plus occasional extra babysitting. All of which I am very happy to do and cherish the time I have with the 4 DGC. My DDs are appreciative & respect that we have a life to lead beyond family..as they do too! DH & I have busy social lives..of our own and shared. We both still do a bit of paid work too and I do a volunteer role as well. On top of the usual garden & home maintenance. Our grandchildren are the icing on an already rich cake!

Sorry..above sounds a bit smug which is not what I was aiming for. Trying to say that having grandchildren is a fab added extra but is not essential to a full and happy life! Same as not having children. Have many very happy friends some who are childfree from choice & others circumstance. We have plenty in common without needing to discuss kids!

jOOls312 I am where you are with my grief that all of my three grown children have made it clear they don’t want children. My partner has a huge family all living nearby and the babies just keep coming. I don’t want to dread the family gatherings or feel bitter and envious and yet I do have those feelings. I want to move through this and attain a measure of peace.

I too am in this situation. I always thought we would be grandparents,especially having seen the joy my two boys gave my parents. I feel like I need to grieve for what will never be.

Me too jimmy we have two GC but don't know them. Have never seen the youngest and haven't seen the eldest since he was 8 months old.

Smileless, you are one strong lady.....selfless and caring. I see no self-pity, just a kind, understanding soul, who given half the chance would have been a super grandparent (along with Mr S). I have very often reached the 'enough is enough' point, but I carry on, just carry on with the scraps of contact and the reams of abuse ....I am scared of something but I don't know what.

Camberwelle,Ifeel for you.Have recently found out that my daughter cannot have children and my DiL does not want children, a decision that my son has accepted. Words cannot describe the hurt I feel
Before you start agnurse, I am a TA of 26 years standing, I look after other peoples grandchildren all day at work. When I see grannies and granddads picking their grandchildren up at the end of the school day I feel like bursting into tears. its been 6 months now since I found out and I still cry every day.

NotgonnaB --

Realizing that you will not have grandchildren is very painful, and is indeed a grieving process. I started grieving about a year ago, when I finally accepted that my son will not be having children. I am frequently invited to birthday parties and other celebrations where my friends have oodles of grandchildren running about. I always feel sad when I leave -- sort of empty. I've decided that I need to curtail these types of activities for a while, as my own sense of well-being should be at the top of my list. Hoping that you and I will both find peace and acceptance soon.

Grieving No Grandchildren is a Facebook group for women only. Members raised children but have come to understand their kids don't want kids or can't have them. It's an accepting and supportive space. Be sure to answer the questions and agree to the group rules in order to be admitted.

Not sure what all the fuss about g.children is. The OP was obviously fortunate enough to have a child/children - and, hopefully, have seen them grow into adulthood.

Surely, that should be enough, and they can go on into the future enjoying life with their adult children,

When I thought, for a few years that we would be unable to have any children of our own I was quite desolate. Fortunately, the Doctor who told my hubbie this was completely wrong.

But as for g.children - well I would have been more than happy not to have had any at all - provided that it what my children wanted. Okay, some have come along and as they make my children happy - I am happy along with them.

But can never understand those who say that g.children are dearer to them than there own children were. Not in my case at all.

One of my friends has three daughters, Only the youngest is still of an age where she could become pregnant, but not in any sort of relationship to do so. My friend has such a wonderful relationship with all three of her girls (four including the wife of one of them). I often envy her how much they can do together as no smaller entities getting in the way.

So to the OP I would just say, be very happy with what you have and have had. No good regretting that which cannot be changed, and find the positives.

I was completely content being without GC as I assumed that's what my C had chosen. At the ripe old age of 74 the first one arrived and then a second a couple of years later. They have certainly added a new and unexpected dimension to my life. Quite wonderful but I do not believe my 'alternative' life would have felt in any way unfulfilled without them.

Grandchildren are wonderful but as they grow older into their teens and twenties many don't really bother with their grandparents. You see them maybe at Christmas and the odd birthday but otherwise they are, understandably, busy with their own lives. Great grandchildren are great, too but , again, we don't see ours that often , maybe a few times a year. Those few short years when they do see you are just that, short!