no grandchildren

As my eldest daughter died when she was 25 and my remaining daughter is now 37 and still looking for ‘Mr Right’ I have almost resigned myself to not being a grandma. I feel sad for my daughter who had always hoped to have children, but also because she will be left with no close family if/when anything happens to myself and DH. I do have moments of envy of others with children, especially at Xmas as our celebrations are ‘child free’, but generally I have come to accept that you can’t always control how your life works out and you just have to do the best you can. Involving myself with others children wouldn’t work for me, but may for some. I tend to agree with Eglantine.

Easy to say and hard to do, but just try to enjoy the life you have. It’s not a loss as such if you have never had grandchildren, so there should not be a hole. Many of my friends are childless by choice, so obviously no prospect of grandchildren, but they have full and happy lives. What is it you are missing exactly and can you fill the void in other ways?

How can it be a loss when you've never had them ? From reading posts on here and speaking to friends having gc isn't always the lovely rosy picture you dream. I have gc and a controlling narcissistic dil who controls who/when will see them. It was upsetting to begin with but I've decided that life's too short to be upset about things I can't change so doing things to please myself and trying to enjoy the rest of my life. It's your AC choice and really nothing to do with you whether they choose not to have children. If you want something to lavish time/love on get a rescue dog they'll pay you back in love 10 fold.

You just cope, it’s hard especially when you see others with large family groups. However my mother who passed away 12 months ago today was abandoned by her son (whom she idolised) and we don’t understand why, she hardly saw her grandchildren who lived 90 miles away but always used the ‘I’ve a young family’ as an excuse. Mind you when she passed away there were tears followed by “what did Nanny leave us”? So children and grandchildren can be a double edged sword.

Don’t give up hope - my son was 50 when he started his family now they have two lovely girls!

DS is now 35 and, try as he will, he hasn't found anyone he wants to spend his life with - he's joined every dating site out there, done the speed dating bit and he really desperately wants to meet "Ms Right", marry and have children. I don't know what is wrong with young women these days - not one has had the courtesy to even meet him (what on earth is wrong with meeting up for a coffee, a drink, a film, or a bite to eat? He isn't the best-looking guy in the world, nor is he financially well off, but a perfect gentleman and genuinely one of the nicest people you could hope to meet. We would both be happy to have GC, even if not his by birth and he would be an amazing dad. I know it's not the end of the world, but I share your feeling of loss, camberwelle.

OldMeg I totally agree with you 're the word bereavement. I would prefer if people would add the word "living bereavement"

I would not have thought about the word usage until this year. This happened because my husband, soul mate and best friend unexpectedly passed away.

I use the word living bereavement now instead of just bereavement for a living mourning situation of which there are many.

My dd daughter never wanted children. We respect her wishes we feel that our children should live the life that they want, she has a career, is guardian to our sons d along with us and she has a happy and fulfilled life.
My son died in 2007. With have just one gc.

I’m with you on this attitude Eglantine21. To keep hoping & wishing seems a pretty pointless stance. Face it. Be upset. Then move on.

Dear Camberwelle, am so sorry that you believe you won’t have grandchildren. Different views here about what you might want or might be looking for and all of them valid. I don’t know if you are looking for a reason for the future or if you are hoping for some sort of way to help you adjust.

When I was in your position, I found some of the harshest people to my unhappiness were other grannies, some of whom seemed to be totally complacent and lacking in empathy. People are people!

Hope it resolves ?

How can you have a loss when you haven't had it in the first instance? Get over it and enjoy your life.

Rather than draw up a list of ways to seek out the company of children through third parties, which would involve CRB checks etc., I think it would be better to cultivate relationships within your own family/close friends, if you can. There is much joy in being the favourite aunty who is not really an aunty. I was in your position for several years and then my DIL announced she was expecting out of the blue. We dote on our little GS, but our DS has made it clear that they do not intend to have any more children. I could be sad about it as the other Gran now has four grandchildren, and I have felt pangs of envy. There shouldn't be a sense of entitlement though. Learning to accept the status quo is hard at times, but acceptance will be easier to live with. I just can't understand the posts that advocate bringing in outside agencies to solve all family problems. I agree with Eglantine 21. You will find a way through if you focus on the other things that life has to offer. Having said all that I do understand your sense of loss and sincerely wish you well.

camberwelle I am so sorry for your feelings of loss. I have similar feelings for my DD who would have loved to have found Mr Right and had her own family and she has had those feelings too. We have discussed it and all grieved together and have now moved on in the main although there are inevitably pangs which come up and bite you now and then. My overriding concern for her is when DH and I are no longer here as has already been mentioned by someone else. Her blessing is, as she herself has said, that as a teacher she has had an impact on hundreds of children's lives and there has been so much evidence of that. Whilst it might well be of benefit to you to have contact with other little ones there are many stages to go through before you arrive at the point where you feel able to do that. It is a process, probably lengthy, so be kind to yourself.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I thought I would never have GC as my DD started a same sex relationship in her 20s. I am an only child as is my DM & DD so no extended family. However DD had DGS1 7.5 years ago & DGS2 is now 16 months old. My DM is now a GN much to her delight.

I'm not sure how I would have coped without GC but I'm sure I would have done so, there are pros & cons to every situation

No Eglantine21 it isn’t just you. IMO telling people there’s always hope is deeply unhelpful. Have always felt more comforted by the people who were willing to say “that’s s**t”! and then let me use them as a sounding board as I work out how I’m going to cope. So Cambrrwelle it is s**t and I do hope you will find something that maybe doesn’t fill the void but makes it liveable with.

I will not have grandchildren either which made me a little sad but I borrow other children in our family and that help

Camberwelle - I too never expect to be a Gran. My DS's are not married and even if they marry eventually, who knows if they'll have children afterwards?

I hate it when people start going on about their GCs all the time and bring out the photos. It's so insensitive and on a par with saying to a woman who has had trouble conceiving "It's so wonderful having children? Haven't you had any yet?"

I have a friend with 2 GCs and another on the way and the DIL won't let her see them anymore, which is far worse than having none at all. That really is a loss.

My advice is to try and accept the situation, hard though this may be. You may need to go through the same feelings as someone grieving over a loss even though it isn't technically a "loss" if you can't escape from your sad feelings.

I feel I have a lot to offer a GC so if my feelings become stronger and harder for me to manage, I may well explore the Adopt a Gran scheme which I hadn't heard of before.

I wish you well.

I always assumed I’d be a granny and was determined to be a hands on one since my own parents and the other GF died before my two sons started school, and the remaining Gran lived a long way away ( we saw her once a year and she kept up a correspondence with them both until she died). So it hasn’t worked out the way I’d hoped at all, one son’s wife now requires 24/7 care, and a child is out of the question, and the other son and wife have one son with no plans for another. As I wasn’t around when he was small, and now only get to see the family about once a year due to distance, I have not developed a close bond with my grandson who is now 14. This poor boy carries all the hopes for the continuance of our family line as my two sisters remained childless, my husband’s brother remained childless, one of my sons looks to be remaining childless, so that leaves just my one grandson to continue my and my (ex) husband’s family line!
Although I feel a twinge of self pity when my age mates share pictures of multiple grand and great grandchildren, I have no expectations or hopes based on my grandson. . We are all insignificant ants in this vast universe and there are far more important things to be concerned about. The world seems to be bent on self destruction and the next several generations will have the job of building it back up or going down with it. They will need to be strong and resourceful and I don’t envy them, but I think there are those that have the capacity to do it. Meanwhile, when I give up my part time job, I will have to settle for a dog! and, if I have the energy, volunteering as suggested by others.

I do think some of the comments on here telling the OP to get over it are very harsh! I am blessed but one time thought we never may become grandparents after initially thinking our local DD after marriage would be blessed with them and our Don and DIL who live away wouldn’t but it has reversed and local DD has been divorced for a while after he didn’t want what she wanted and wouldn’t agree compromises but he moved on and has got with a new partner all the things DD expected to have and also has just had a second child Our son and DIL struggled for 5 years but with a little help had our adorable boy/ girl grande twins now 2.5 years who we see only 5/6 weeks or so as they live away DD has had two relationships since I turned abusive so we got her out and the last one the d moms from that came to haunt her She is a Nanny though of 3 children under 6 and has had two previous families These latest ones she brings to see us as she admitted she felt guilty because we don’t have the closeness of grandchildren so we are lucky we can enjoy their visits too I have friends who are only allowed to see half their grandchildren which is so sad but my best friend doesn’t have any from her 3 children due to IVF failings Singleton and one career minded daughter who now has a puppy they look after for her She asks me to keep showing her photos as she is pleased for me as I must admit I was wary at first

dIH typing on phone sorry for typos ???

I once knew someone in the same situation who confided in me that her only child (a daughter) and her SIL were infertile and could not have children (daughter married late in life and SIL had problems too). She told me she was heartbroken not just for her daughter but because she wouldn't get to have her own GC.

I ran into her a few years later and she seemed much happier. She had become a volunteer carer in a pre-school where she was surrounded by small children every day.
She also showed me some pictures. It seems her daughter and SIL had adopted a little girl from China. As she mentioned in her own words....."that child is the light of my life!"

Camberwelle I understand how you feel. I’ve resigned myself to never having grandkids and it breaks my heart. I have no siblings nor does my husband so no nieces or nephews. I’ve got to the stage where I’m cutting old friends out of my life because of their grandchildren and I hate myself for it but I really can’t bear it. I’ve always been a happy positive person but this just gnaws away at me

Gosh, starbird ‘the family line’ indeed! Are you of royal birth?
Actually thinking further on the topic, perhaps the OP could just count her blessings? She was able to be a mother herself. Some women don’t even get that.