Retirement panic

I really endorse what everyone has said - if you've not been used to living together all these years to suddenly both move in together is a huge change in itself. Couple that with having to actually move out of your own home and spend the capital on something you don't want seems very wrong and I think you have to tell your husband so. The idea of joining a boating club seems very sensible.

You feel depressed with the idea so don't agree to it. A compromise (if he has had his heart set on a nice boat for many years) would be to suggest he sells his house and buys the boat then moves in with you. As you said, if you sell both houses you won't end up with a bigger property anyway. House will then still be in your name so if living together doesn't work out then he can go and live on his boat. In the meantime you may find you enjoy boating. And if you don't, he'll be tinkering on it a lot so won't be under your feet all the time anyway. I most definitely wouldn't do what he is suggesting though. He should understand your concerns and make the compromise if it's his dream not yours.

Are you involved in this boat in some way, Rufussmum? Do you want one too? If not, then it seems to me he's going to get the best of both worlds if you go ahead - he gets a boat, half a house (presumably it will be put in joint names), and someone to come home to after he's finished messing about on his boat. Does he envisage you'll be the little woman who stays at home, cleans the house and cooks the meals?

Please think about this very carefully. Giving up your independence for a 50% share in a house is a big ask on his part.

What size boat? Will it have a cabin and shower etc, is it going to be a cruiser or small day boat and does he know where it will be moored? If it is livable for a few days, then what will change?
Maybe this could be the compromise, that the boat will be his part-time home and keep to the same deal you have had for 20 yrs, and keep your space. Then if it becomes too much to cope with as he gets older he can sell it and then move together permanently, as you can increase the number of days bit by bit so you can get used to full time living together. Plus you can enjoy the trips on the boat as well.
This would be the ideal for me as I love boating!!

It’s a big fat NO from me too. It seems very clear from your posts that the boat is his dream, not a joint dream. Financing it from the equity in his house and expecting you to trump up the lion’s share to buy a new home is selfish beyond belief.
Is there something you would love to have that would take a lot of the equity in your house? Say a lovely motor home for example?
Tell him you’ve decided you’re going to get a motor home from the equity in your house and see what his reaction is. That might just bring home to him how selfish he’s being.

Our country is so short of decent housing so we should have no more houses than we need.

Likewise with our children, they should not leave home until they can afford to house themselves without relying on housing benefit.

What a very sensible solution.

FlossieT love it!

You've lived happily apart for all these years. That says a lot. In your shoes, i'd be thinking divorce rather than moving in together. Just tell him you're not ready, stall and get clear on what YOU want. Don't let him push you into something you don't want to do and which will probably be non-reversible (once he pours money into a boat - which will depreciate in value - he is unlikely to be able to buy another home).

I suggest keeping your house in your name and keep your own money. He can sell his house and buy a houseboat which he can then chug up and down the water and live on it. You need to talk and tell him what you want I am afraid doing it his way is going to lead to trouble for you. Good luck

I'm new to this forum but can I just say that if I did have a problem I would certainly air it here as all answers I've read have been really knowledgeable and helpful.
"Here's to the start of a beautiful friendship"

Wow - thanks everyone. So much wisdom on here and it seems most people are of the same opinion.
Yes, we have had an unusual marriage; my idea of boating would be a sunny day, smooth river and glass of white; his idea is narrowboat for longer stretches; my house is in my name only; trial share a good idea.
Much to think about and you are all right - I should follow my instinct and look after my own interest. Will keep you posted.

Dont give up your house if you love being there. OH can sell his house, buy his boat and get a small flat,problem solved? if you like boating you can still join him there when you want to, dont be persuaded to do anything you dont want to, especially at this time of your life.

I think this is an extraordinary situation. Why did you marry in the first place? It seems to me that you both want the best of both worlds - what I would call selfish.

Rufussmum, my brother had a similar dream, he & my SIL sold their lovely house, bought a narrowboat & lived on it for 5 years. It was a constant nightmare & a huge drain on their finances. They both aged with the worry, the cold, the break-ins, & the effort involved in every normal activity. They sold it eventually at a £30,000 loss and now live in a small flat. Was it worth it? They think not, except he got something out of his system.
Sorry to sound bleak, but these decisions have long term consequences. Good luck with your decision.

It’s their marriage and has worked for them but they could have moved in together any time during the past twenty years but didn’t. Why not? Because they’ve been happy the way things were.
Lots of good advice on here about costs etc - maybe not something DH has considered.
If it’s a narrow boat he wants then he could buy it from the proceeds of his house sale and live on it most of the time and with OP the rest.
I’m sure he’s a very nice man but I think he’s being a bit selfish.

Keep your houses and your separate accounts. Let him use his lump sum to put down on a boat if that is what he wants. If you do live with each other do it in one of your 2 houses and rent the other one out so that it is available for the person who owns it to return to it.. Do not throw away your independence by allowing him to live with you, claim to own part of your house, and buy a boat. One person cannot manage a large boar so as someone said joining a sailing club and crewing for someone who has bought a large boat may be an option.

Aepgirl we are all different and live different lives to suit. A marriage of 20 years suited two people for those 20 years. Vive la difference.

After ten fairly unhappy years being married to my ex, he suggested selling our large four bed house which was purchased between us when we got together, to downsize and release the cash by 50%. I imagined being stuck with him for ever more, so told him my idea of selling up halving the money, him going his way and me going mine, which is what we did. I never regretted it for one minute.

My thoughts have been as the majority on here, not to sell your own house.
What if Rufusmum's DH, sold his house, bought a boat, decided it wasn't his dream after all, and moved in with Rufusmum? If they then decided that living together was not compatible, could he be asked to leave? What if he decided not to?
All sorts of horrible thoughts come to mind.
Rufusmum, make sure you keep your own property, in your own name, and speak your mind . If the very thought of sharing a smallish house is making you feel depressed now, what will it be like, if it became reality?
As others have said, Don't Do It !!!

Surely, if they are married it wouldn't make any difference if Rufusmum kept "her" house in her name? If they decided to split because they found they couldn't live under the same roof, then wouldn't all assets be taken in to account and shared equally because they are married?

Do not sell your house no no no! Breeze came up with an idea that sounds good in theory- letting him buy a boat and move in with you. The only thing is you are married so I doubt that legally you could get him to leave easily again without divorcing him. .
Some suggested a trial period together but knowing you can leave again might influence how you feel or act with each other. Your husband might make a great effort then stop when you move in permanently.
I wonder whose idea it was to get married and why? Was there maybe a reason other than love? I hope you have taken care of your will.
I think if you are happy as you are and can afford to maintain yourself then stick with it. My husband and I were together ten years before we moved in together simply for practical reasons and although we love each others company we do still need a lot of our own space If you reach a stage where you actually would benefit from living together ie someone is no longer able to look after him/herself then you could think about it. I think you know you don't want to.

Some great suggestions for you Rufussmum. I think your DH selling his house and living with you to see how that works for you both is a very good idea.

If that works for you both, and you're in agreement then he could buy a boat. As already mentioned, if it has sleeping quarters etc. he could spend some of his time on board, giving each of you your own space.

Mr. S. retired 6 weeks ago, it's great but we are both having to find our feet now our lives have changed. He has to get used to not going to work and I have to get used to him being at home a lot more.

I can't imagine us having to get used to this if we'd never actually lived together so I think you need to take this one step at a time, and for both of you to be as certain as you can be, before making any final decisions.

Good luck.

And be assertive. Just say no. Dont let anyone make you do something you don't want to do. no need to feel guilty. You're not doing anything wrong

Again, lots of kind and thoughtful advice here.
BUT...to the people who asked why we married in the first place. Firstly, we have been together for 20 years, which is a lot longer than some people who live together full time. Secondly, we have spent all our weekends and holidays together when DH was not at work and lastly, why do some people have to be so judgemental? I am assuming their marriages are super happy and they are too narrow-minded to accept that some people have a different lifestyle.
But I am having difficulties with the situation now, just like the dozens of other OPs on here with Relationship problems.