Retirement panic

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread, but I can't get my head round getting married to someone you only want to see at weekends. Yes, I know we're all different, but I've never come across a marriage that started off and continued like this for such a long time. Plenty that might have ended up this way!

I quite fancied a boat myself until I read some of the comments on here. Another dream shattered.

Cross posted there, OP. I don't think that trying to understand something is necessarily being judgemental.

If you sell both houses, then I think CG tax is going to be payable on one of the properties? It's my understanding that as a "married couple" you can only have one house designated as your "main" home - and thus tax-free when sold. I'd look into the legalities of this. (This doesn't apply if you aren't legally married.) Can I just add that while DH & I have had 35 wonderful years together, I wouldn't give us another six months if we had to share a boat...

Once more..DH's career meant he HAD to work away from home. We couldn't move every time he had a new work project. I didn't CHOOSE to live alone all week.

Well that's fine. But you did say in your first post that you're both happy to get back to your own lives after a few days together, so it obviously suits you. For what it's worth, I can't see you both living happily in a small house (or a boat) 24/7 after 20 years in separate homes.

I have a vision of you in a small house you don't like very much while your DH is away for months on his boat. Unless you are very keen on the idea of sailing too but it doesn't sound like it.

Why are some posters niggling on about the WHY of the OP's marriage?
Just accept what you've been told.

Don't rent out your home, if you go for a trial period together.

Tenants can bring a whole load of other problems, which can be especially upsetting if they are in your own home.

Also, if the togetherness doesn't work well, you'd be limited in when you can get back into your home if there are tenants there.

DH says we can't afford to keep two homes going

Is DH correct about this?
Even if he is, his plan re the boat is monumentally selfish.

If you do make a joint house purchase, ensure that he contributes as much as you do to the cost.
And don't subsidise his expensive boat purchase.

If he says you can’t afford two homes, surely you can’t afford an expensive boat?

I reckon you have done well so far in your 20 years, you are mostly together only when you are both not working, not much different from being retired and it worked. You might well find that as you both have other hobbies/interests with him being away on a boat for a time it could work but go slowly step by step. Keep your houses and see how it goes.

You keep your house and he sells his and buys a boat. a 30ft cruiser has more than enough space on for someone to live for several days. That way he can bugger off to his boat for several days and come and see you at weekend. I think that would be a very suitable arrangement. Just say that this would be he only way the boat would get a lot of use....simples

Lack if mobility on a boat? Future may be difficult. I had a canal boat . Then I got MS. After a sudden and paralyzing attack occurred whilst on the boat it was hells own job to carry me off, up the tow path and into the ambulance.
They are cold, expensive, a security worry when you're away from them.
Water rats pitter patter on the roof whilst your dropping off to sleep. Also rats breaking in to find food.

Cold, did I mention cold? Yes, even the centrally heated ones.

There's no room for anything, mud comes in with you from the tow path.
You generate your own electricity and pump out your own body waste.

Dry dock costs hundreds per month and you can't live on it whilst in dry dock having its bottom blacked.
Oh, and it's cold.

Lack of mobility*

gmelon..all true! Sorry about your diagnosis. Hope you managing OK now.
Theo..proposed boat is a 45 footer. Loads of room for one.
DH has moderate private pension, I have only state pension so we won't be exactly flush and I can't contribute anything if I keep my house.
Boat will cost approx £5K a year to moor, service, insure etc so not much more than living in two houses.

It comes down to: do you still want to spend time with him?
If that's a yes, then let him buy his boat and spend the weekends with you at your house which you are used to ( only at his house)
But of course he will have to make a contribution to your household bills.
As we don't know his financial situation, but here in Essex the cheapest mud berth is £3,000+ a year.
This way you get to stay in your house and still have him in your life, that's if you want

What would happen if you don,t agree? Would your husband still go ahead and put his house for sale in the hope that you will come round to the idea.
I would be honest with him and say it would,nt work for you and you are happy in your own house. If he really wants his boat let him buy one from the proceeds of his property. It could be the answer. People do live permanently on narrow boats/barges, so if he really has his mind to have one .....on the understanding that he realises this is his new home then let him decide. If he goes ahead then you can continue as before spending time in each others homes....albeit a boat when you stay with him. On the other hand if he realises that this is the only way for him to have his own boat and it would be his main home as well, he might have a re- think.

If a ‘large part of the equity’ would go into a boat and the ‘joint’ house would be about the same as you have now why don’t you keep your house - and space, sell ‘his’ house and let him invest the proceeds in the boat. Keep your house in your name though!

Thank you Rufus. Yes much better since I sold the boat !

My husband and I have lived apart all our 30yrs of marriage and still do.
When telling people this the women are bemused and uncomfortable at such an idea while the men usually declare it to be the perfect arrangement.
The men usually turn to my husband with a "bloody hell how did you manage that?"

Could your husband afford to buy a boat that would be big enough to live in if he sold his house? I know you are married and getting older but I can't see why you should sacrifice the roof over your head for something he wants ?

gmelon I think my own husband would quite like that. He loves things his way, and has never quite adjusted to compromise. Neither have I in some ways.. But we manage. I think its because we both lived alone for so long - As you two have Rufussmum

gmelon
Why didn't you have rat guards?

In my experience it's the women I've known who thought our living arrangement was the best of both worlds.
I like the idea of telling DH boat is fine as long as it's his main home. He might not be so keen after a winter in a marina without home comforts.
gmelon...so you've survived 30 years living apart. I think there are quite a few couples in similar situations by choice. Most of the unhappy couples I've met are co-habiters.

What's a rat guard?

They are metal discs you put around your mooring lines. Rats can't get over them.

Apologies if somebody has mentioned this already, but how about he sells his house, buys his boat and a little studio flat/pied a terre?