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Partner raging all the time

(41 Posts)
Snowfall2017 Thu 20-Sep-18 08:27:15

Constantly raging. At other drivers, cyclists, me. Then calms within minutes and pretends he doesn't know what I'm complaining about.

Says it's all in my head. Previously, I would bury it to avoid further confrontation that could go on for days but I'm sick of the denial.

Anyone else been through this?

Smileless2012 Thu 20-Sep-18 08:43:12

hmmMr. S. gets annoyed with other drivers, not cyclists as a rule and never me I'm pleased to say.

We laugh about it because it's something he never used to do and is getting more frequent as he gets older. That said, I don't think I'd find it at all funny if he were raging at me.

Raging about other road users can be tiresome to listen too but having a go at you is a different matter. Perhaps telling him the next time he gets angry with you that if he does it again you wont go in the car with him, might be the answer.

Do you drive? Alternatively when going out maybe you could drive.

Teetime Thu 20-Sep-18 08:56:44

DH was very grumpy for a time but he was very bored and unhappy- e moved house, he got some absorbing hobbies/jobs and he now whistles a lot which is annoying in itself.

sodapop Thu 20-Sep-18 09:05:07

My husband has the road rage thing which is annoying. We have spoken about it and he tries to rein it in, not successfully. The raging against you is a whole different thing and needs to be addressed however difficult. Try to talk in a calm environment without recrimination and see if you can find out what are the triggers and why he is angry. Are you sure he understands fully how this is impacting on you.

Snowfall2017 Thu 20-Sep-18 09:42:15

No, it isn't just when driving. It seems constant, though we get some good days. It can be everyone and everything. He has a lot of reasons to be angry but it's getting me down. Yes, he knows it upsets me but just denies he does it or dismisses it. If I react angrily at the time it makes it worse, if I leave it till later then he denies it happen and points out that I never raised it at the time thus proving his point.

I think I know I have to end the relationship but still hoping for some miracle.

Melanieeastanglia Thu 20-Sep-18 09:47:08

This must be a very difficult situation. Is it possible that your partner is unwell in some way?

Does he treat you well most of the time, apart from these anger episodes?

I hope things go well for you.

merlotgran Thu 20-Sep-18 10:10:44

How long have you been together?

glammanana Thu 20-Sep-18 10:18:50

How awful for you having to put with this behaviour,does he realise how dangerous it is driving when so full of road rage.
As for his raging at you it is totally unacceptable and no one should have to put up with it I certainly wouldn't but then my OH has total respect for me something your OH seems lacking in.
Can he check if he is ill in anyway maybe a check up at your Drs to give you peace of mind or has he always been this way.
Remind him marriage is a two way street and if you decide to go it alone that street could be very lonely for him in the future.

Snowfall2017 Thu 20-Sep-18 11:28:56

Thank you. Yes, it relates to a number of issues he has and a lot of treatment attempts over the years.

But the issue of respect is pertinent. I think that is the root of his anger issues with everyone.

I'm going to take a break away from him for my own sanity.

JudyJudy12 Thu 20-Sep-18 12:23:36

I hope your break will give you space to think clearly and to relax.

I cannot stand being around angry people, it makes me nervous and try to "fix" things. The rest of the time its on eggshells just in case, very tiring.

Zorro21 Thu 20-Sep-18 12:28:55

I have to put up with this all the time. We tried to go on holiday last Tuesday for 3 days, he encountered heavy traffic on M25 and turned round and went home again.

So I'm VERY sympathetic.

Noreen3 Thu 20-Sep-18 12:41:27

my husband had a personality change when he was about 70,he was nasty towards me,also when out driving.Looking back,I'm sure it was because he wasn't well,but he wouldn't talk about it if I asked him.He passed away a few months ago,after being in a care home,he had serious mobility problems,then cancer.We became very close again during his final years,and I remember our happy times,but I wish he hadn't been so nasty for a while.I'm sure it's to do with men not being well,and not liking to admit that their driving isn't what it was,they turn things round into being someone else's fault.

GabriellaG Thu 20-Sep-18 12:41:56

You say he has 'lots of reasons to be angry'.
Is it possible for you to tackle the reasons for his anger? It can't simply be drivers or cyclists.
Be sneaky and record his outbursts then replay them when he's calmer.

JS06 Thu 20-Sep-18 12:58:23

I concur with GabriellaG about recording the outbursts. If you haven't got a phone with a recording option then borrow one for a day or so from a younger friend or relative.

I wouldn't be sneaky about it though, I would tell your husband exactly what you'll be doing and you'll keep the evidence to let him listen to later. If it continues and he doesn't at least try to mend his ways I'd let others hear the recordings and what you have to put up with from the old so and so. Maybe embarrassment would be the key to him acknowledging that his actions have a huge impact on you. Good luck x

Synonymous Thu 20-Sep-18 13:02:05

Snowfall Sorry to hear that you are so unhappy and stressed. Do you actually know for certain what his isues are or not? Could it be health issues as some conditions do cause this sort of thing and even medications can too. A friend had Polymyalgia rheumatic and it changed him dramatically.
Such personality changes can also herald mental conditions such as dementia.

Craftycat Thu 20-Sep-18 13:19:00

I don't want to be a scaremongering but is his mental health OK?
My H got like this before they diagnosed bi-polar disorder. He can still blow up at times but medication keeps him mostly level.
Just a thought to consider. He won't want to be told this but maybe read up on it& see if symptoms fit.

BBbevan Thu 20-Sep-18 13:19:33

My sister's husband did/ does that. He has the beginnings of dementia. I would encourage your DH to see his GP, just in case

NanaPlenty Thu 20-Sep-18 13:28:34

My husband has frequent outbursts of rage, sometimes I cannot believe my ears or my eyes. I've tried ignoring it, speaking about it, recommended anger management courses but there is no talking to him. He seems cross with life, the world, politicians, name it. He had an outburst in the pub about bad service which really shocked by youngest stepdaughter. At other times he can be a lovely man. I don't know what the answer is. The wish you well in whatever you decide to do.

OldMeg Thu 20-Sep-18 13:36:01

I wouldn’t worry about his verbal road rage, so long as it stays verbal.

I would however be very concerned about his raging at you, especially if it is indeed ‘constant’. Talk to your GP saying it’s affecting you and see where that leads....??

Gilly1952 Thu 20-Sep-18 14:21:59

I really don’t know why we put up with these grumpy old men! Talk about Victor Meldrew............ Mine used to moan about almost everything - I think the worst was when the “begging adverts” came on, as he called them. It used to make me feel very uncomfortable. Thankfully he is no longer in my life - packed him off to be an old misery guts on his own!

b1zzle Thu 20-Sep-18 14:35:49

Dearest Snowfall. Yes, I've been there. I was there for twenty years. I too was told that it was all 'in my head'. I was told I needed to see a doctor because I wasn't 'right in the head'. Then one day I had a light bulb moment and realised the problem wasn't in my head at all. That's when I left.

grandtanteJE65 Thu 20-Sep-18 14:56:59

I am glad you have decided to take a break from your OH.

Sorry to be a scaremonger, but I agree with those who suggest there is an underlying health issue causing your husband's fits of rage.

However, whether it is a health problem or not, it will not get better all on its own, especially as he either genuinely forgets his fits of rage, or pretends to.

If you do not want to leave him for good, because you still love him, then either march him down to the doctor's or to a marriage guidance councillor. I realise he won't be agreeable to either solution, but somehow you need to make him realize that there is a problem that is NOT in your head.

Recording his outbursts is certainly worth a try.

Are there other members of the family, apart from the granddaughter you mention, who have experienced these fits of rage and can and will try to support you and talk to your husband about this?

Snowfall2017 Thu 20-Sep-18 15:11:57

I know the root causes but tbh am so sick of it being used as an excuse. It has always been about him. For years.

I'm glad that few of you have had to endure this. To those that have, my sympathies. To blzzle, good for you. My admiration.

Thank you ladies.

narrowboatnan Thu 20-Sep-18 16:13:59

My DH does the road rage thing. Apparently he is Mr Perfect when behind the wheel and all the other drivers are complete idiots. I tell him that they can’t hear him, so why holler at them. He says it makes him feel better. Occasionally he gets a touch of Wife Rage and usually I just ignore it, but the last time I got cheesed off with him and when I managed to get a word in sideways, I calmly asked him”Who do you think you are talking to?” It floored him and made him stop and think. He had got carried away and hadn’t realised that he was blaring away at me. I suppose you could try saying the same?

Diggingdoris Thu 20-Sep-18 16:27:53

My H has been like this since his stroke. He's charming one minute then swearing and cursing the next, at me ,the tv, the politicians, other drivers etc. I know just how you feel snowfall, and it saddens me to think this is how he will be forever now.