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Not another one!

(159 Posts)
Diana54 Tue 09-Oct-18 21:31:13

Another of my nephews on my husbands side has been kicked out by his wife, this is the third, they are not wasters just normal hard working men that have chosen a wife, had 2 or 3 kids with them, bought a nice house. Then as soon as the youngest is school age OUT.
If I was cynical I would say it was planned from the start, they chose a "sire" for their children, made a secure nest for them, then fun time, do as I please.
This goes against all my principles, how can I let my own DGSs fall into this trap

midgey Tue 09-Oct-18 21:55:52

Certainly seems that younger parents split up fairly easily, they don’t appear to have much staying power!

paddyann Tue 09-Oct-18 22:36:33

you have no idea what has gone on behind closed doors so dont make judgements on these women.My daughter was in what appeared to be a good marriage until she discovered her OH was a serial cheat .His mother didn't believe it was his fault ,she thought my daughter was to blame ,even when she was told by one of the women he'd been sleeping with.Its normal to think our own are faultless but its rarely true so keep out of it and dont spread stories about young women when you only hear part of the story.

BlueBelle Tue 09-Oct-18 23:07:48

What a judgement! of course you can’t generalise like you just have Diana, really pretty nasty to say it could be all planned you haven’t a clue what goes on behind closed doors and you ve no idea if these young men are as nice as they show to the public or not Some men can have two sides and be charming courteous and smart to the outside world and a right bxxxxx to the wife
None of your business what your grandsons do when adults

notanan2 Tue 09-Oct-18 23:33:51

Oh its so easy to be a single mother...bet they're so glad that their plans have come to fruition and are now living the dream!

stella1949 Tue 09-Oct-18 23:45:09

No doubt you assume that your nephews are wonderful people ! But you don't know what goes on in people's homes - they could easily have sides to them that you don't know about.

I stop judging people if I were you. The life of a single mother is no fun, and I'm sure the women in question thought long and hard about separating. Maybe you could show a little charity instead of making nasty assumptions.

Eloethan Tue 09-Oct-18 23:51:47

Judging by some of the posts on Gransnet regarding the very selfish behaviour of older husbands, (resenting time spent with family, ignoring and refusing to care for sick wives, not contributing to household chores, expecting wives to maintain communications with family, etc, etc, etc) perhaps these issues are still occurring in some current marriages.

I don't suppose many women with young children would leave a marriage without good reason. Various pieces of research have shown that single mothers are significantly more likely to fall within the poverty category. And it must be really hard work trying to cope all one your own, often without a financial or practical contribution from a spouse.

Luckylegs9 Wed 10-Oct-18 06:40:53

I am am surprised at the amount of family that feel they can pass judgement on someone else's relationship. whether a mother, aunt or grandma, it really is non of your business. I would not have liked anyone interfering in my life, thankfully no one did. We all make mistakes that's how we learn, nice to have support if and when needed. There are two sides to every story anyway, I prefer not to judge. I do wonder if perhaps something is lacking in their own lives to worry about others if not asked.

Diana54 Wed 10-Oct-18 07:57:51

In these 3 cases the women have all kept the house and left the husband significantly worse off and really angry. One of the wives had an affair and moved her new boyfriend in, another is actively hunting for the next husband, the third is concentrating on her career at present.
That leaves just one nephew that is still with his family, he is a character I don't much like and refuses to marry his girlfriend. He dominates her and regards their 3 kids as "her" children, they have been together for 15 yrs, live in a rented house, even though he has a well paid job and could afford to buy easily.
A lot of women would leave, but she is not stupid, it would mean benefits and she is much better off staying, he does maintain her and the children quite well and there are no signs of abuse. So she tows the line and stays, he leads pretty much the bachelor lifestyle and laughs openly at his divorced cousins.

BlueBelle Wed 10-Oct-18 08:07:52

I d watch more TV Diane and stop worrying about your nephews as I said before none of your business really is it ? Their lives, their decisions to live as they see best you seem over interested in their lives, no one knows what goes on in others lives and neither should we
Concentrate on your own house and what goes on in it

notanan2 Wed 10-Oct-18 09:30:32

Well they sound delightful! Angry that their children's resident parent is raising them in their family homes.

Maybe your angry young nephews should focus on the kids now rather than being so angry at their exes that they can't see that it is best for THE CHILDREN for the resident parent to keep them in the family homes.

Why should the women and children be the ones to leave? Nobody involved in family support or family law would advise that.

Interesting that they are angry about their exes "getting the house". If it was my DH he would be much more preoccupied with making arrangements to have the KIDS half the time. But that I guess is one of the reaasons why I have no intention of leaving him

maryhoffman37 Wed 10-Oct-18 10:11:05

No-one would got through marriage and giving birth and raising children just to get a house! Your nephews have been unlucky but since 1 in 2 first marriages end in divorce now, not as unlucky as you might think.

Chinesecrested Wed 10-Oct-18 10:24:04

The only way for a man to protect himself against this happening is to not get married and to make sure he buys a house in joint names. The gf is also protected in this way.

I know a man who bought his house in his sole name and when the gf came along , lived with him and had DC, he refused to marry or put the house in joint names. The gf and DC are now in a very tricky, vulnerable position, unfortunately. sad

JanaNana Wed 10-Oct-18 11:19:29

It does seem unfortunate that this has happened to three of your nephews. No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors inside of marriage, except for the couple's themselves. What they present to the outside world may be entirely different to what is happening behind the scenes.
I can see how this makes you feel cynical because so many marriages seem to break up nowadays after not much time together. However, everything might not be as it seems to you in their marriages, and it is often easier to blame one or the other when in fact both of them may be at fault jointly in different ways, contributing to the break ups. I don't think you can do anything other than give them all space to sort this out, and be there for them if they ask you.

oldbatty Wed 10-Oct-18 11:24:54

Remember the saying " nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors"

Also I can't really see why it is your concern.

icanhandthemback Wed 10-Oct-18 11:30:20

The Divorce laws go for a clean break with a 50/50 split of assets regardless of blame. Maybe your nephews did a deal that kept them their pension which their wives had been too busy to earn as they were raising the children?
Everybody has their own tale to tell; maybe you should listen to the wives' too to get a balanced perspective. Mind you, they'd probably tell you it was none of your business...!

grannymags Wed 10-Oct-18 11:32:36

No one knows what goes on in a marriage my advice dont judge

David1968 Wed 10-Oct-18 11:36:06

No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors inside of marriage, except for the couple's themselves. What they present to the outside world may be entirely different to what is happening behind the scenes. JanaNana I think you are absolutely right with this comment. It says it all....

tigger Wed 10-Oct-18 11:38:16

Well Diane54, you have rested your own case! Opposite extremes, how do you know this girl is unhappy, they may have their own reasons for not marrying and not buying a property. Which would you prefer?

oldmom Wed 10-Oct-18 13:03:37

If 3 men from the same extended family all have the same problem, I would be asking if they were all raised with the same bad attitudes.

Maybe the "hardworking" part only applies to their jobs and they never lift a finger at home? Maybe they are controlling or abusive? Maybe they are just unloving and indifferent.

I certainly would not assume all three are innocent and put upon, though of course it is possible that they do all just have terrible taste in women.

Diana54 Wed 10-Oct-18 13:09:18

Tigger, she would marry him tomorrow but he is in control and she could leave at any time- with nothing, he would even make her fight for the child maintenence.
In reality she accepts it because he treats her well, he is doing it deliberately, seeing what happened to other men.
The contrast is stark anyone with money can be a target.

I have known these nephews since they were children they are very good prospects as husbands, hard working and provided a good lifestyle for their families, if they have any faults it's because they work too hard and are too generous.
You don't know what goes on behind closed doors, but if there was any abuse there would have been signs, but the only signs are £signs. One left with over £150K value the other 2 around £100k each and they are all going to get child maintenence.
There are plenty of examples of gold diggers who marry and have a couple of children then leave, one lives next door to me, she has 4 children, by 3 husbands and 1 boyfriend who got away. Always choosing men with money and stripping as much a possible from them.

You see divorce at a distance and shrug your shoulders, when it happen close to home it hurts, at least is doesn't affect my own children so I'm not going to loose any sleep over it. I do have 4 grandsons young at present and I do fear for their prospects in marriage, let's hope they don't get caught.

Iam64 Wed 10-Oct-18 13:10:29

Phew! Interesting that in each of the cases, the nephew is seen as the victim and the wives as somehow exploiting their situation, "keeping the house". Would you prefer the man stayed in the house and the women and children were in homeless accommodation? No I don't expect you would in truth.
Back off, mind your own business and recognise that as so many others have said, you've no idea what's been going on behind closed doors. Why would any woman chose to be a single parent if her marriage is ok?

notanan2 Wed 10-Oct-18 13:16:32

So all they bring to the table is that they go to work and spend a lot of time there...well thats not enough to make a relationship work and is not enough to make them good husband material .

P.s. the house and maintenance goes to the resident parent AND KIDS.
THEIR kids.
Your grand nephews and nieces.
Would you rather them raised in a bedsit while your workaholic nephews rattle about in the family homes?

Here's a BIG hint re what has gone on: things get split more evenly if people share the parenting. If one is getting all the maintenance and the house etc that'll be because the other one isn't doing much child rearing! What a catch!

notanan2 Wed 10-Oct-18 13:19:05

If they had been decent fathers in the first place they wouldn't be resenting their children a family home!

HAZBEEN Wed 10-Oct-18 13:23:22

Sorry but not all abuse is physical so what signs do you expect to see?
My ex husband was physically abusive but also an expert in mind games. I was so cowed by him I lied about the reason behind my injuries and even avoided my family so they couldnt see the marks etc. To everyone outside the home he was charming, a hard worker who loved his family, inside behind closed doors ho was a monster, controlling and abusive.
When the physical abuse grew worse others became aware and finally I found the courage to split from him. It seems strange that 3 members of the same family have split up and also as you say the other one is a controlling B******d yet you blame the women even the one who has stayed! Dont you think that speaks volumes? Perhaps you should stop giving your obviously biased opinion and keep your views to yourself. Just maybe your precious nephews are nasty pieces of work and they should be more concerned about their childrens welfare then being angry that they have had to provide their offspring with a home.

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