Not another one!

Another hint: gold diggers tend to NOT have kids because raising kids is expensive and tends to inhibit lavish lifestyles.

Expecting your child's other parent to pay towards giving kids stability and a nice life is not gold digging, it is decent parenting! It is the nephews who are the money grabbers if they dont agree.

(...wonders if the OP is in fact one of the "nephews"??..)

The law is always on the side of the child. Both my boys seem to have happy marriages....and both are high earners. In the beginning I did think that the girls just wanted them for their money....perhaps I was jealous, because my daughter married a poorly paid tradesman, who was practically 'kept' by my daughter. They are now divorced.
Anyway, regardless of my opinions, they seem to be happy. I have my reservations about one daughterinlaw, and I think my son is a doormat, but that's his problem. I worry about his future. He cannot see the wood for the trees.

At one time the parent living with the children got the house until the youngest chils is 18 and then it is split 50/50, but things change all the time.

At least if a boyfriend moves in with the ex wife the nephew shouldn’t have to pay maintenance for her.

Now it remains to be seen if they will use their access to the chikdren and remain an active father, or just immerse themselves in work anf gradually fade out of their lives.

At least if a boyfriend moves in with the ex wife the nephew shouldn’t have to pay maintenance for her.

He will still have to pay maintenance for the children!

When the OP is saying that the WIVES are "getting" x,y & z, whats probably happening is the wives are getting some money towards raising the children.

And maintenance (through CSA) is a much lower percentage of the non res parents income than the % of income a res parent will usually spend on raising a child!

It's not uncommon for dead beat dads to phrase maintenance as "ex getting money"

When what it IS is contributing money to your child's resident parent who is making most of the sacrifices involved in raising children so that the children can have a stable family home and you can play "good cop" every other weekend like the martyr you are....posting on social media that your kids are your life but you will never be the one who tries to negotiate child friendly hours at work, & buying them OTT Christmas gifts and thinking that that makes it okay for the other parent to have to scrimp for school shoes ...

...usually..
..
that's usually what you can read when a dad complains that child maintenance is their ex "getting" money.

I do have 4 grandsons young at present and I do fear for their prospects in marriage, let's hope they don't get caught

Blimey are we in a Jane Austen novel? Things have changed.

Well if all they are expected to bring to the table is that they go out to do man work outside the home then their prospects may well be limited...

Maybe there is hope for them if their mothers are expecting slightly more from a husband and father than just some elusive man shape that brings in a wage so long as he is still sharing the marital bed, and resents being held responsible for his offspring once he is not! Good luck to them in their new relationships!

Your attitude is awful! How do you know what went on behind closed doors. Even if one or all three of them have split up mutually it is none of your business.

You can't stop it with your Grandchildren or own children. You can't control their lives. Be there for them but not control. If you try and dictate what they should and shouldn't do they will turn on you, stop seeing you etc.

It sounds as if you have had a nice life, no divorce etc. etc. I am happy for you. However not everyone's marriage is like that.

I personally think you need to look at yourself in this and look at stopping judging others. I know it is hard as we all do it to some extent however your attitude is not going to serve you well in life or in the future and could course you far more pain than you can imagine or think of.

The ex with me was violent and abusive. People were shocked when they found out. I know of another friend who kept her husband's affairs to herself for years and there are many more reasons.

''do not judge, else you yourself will be judged'' is one of many sayings. Learn from this to look at things more open mindedly

Sorry OP, but I can't help thinking that the fruit did not fall very far from the tree. I couldn't even tell you what goes on in the marriage of my next-door neighbour that I have been friends with for twenty years.

And for the "happy" gf whose partner has made it plain he would do his utmost not to pay child maintenance... words fail me.

I couldn't even tell you what goes on in the marriage of my next-door neighbour that I have been friends with for twenty years

I can. Only because the police got involved in the end. Turns out things were quite horrific.

The prior 15 years to that I had no idea and thought he was one of the nicest men I knew. We were all good friends and I trusted them so much that my kids had regular sleep overs round there with their kids. Honestly thought they were a lovely couple who adored each other.

Goodness me, how judgmental you are on other women!! You do not know what goes on behind closed doors, nobody with children gets divorced as a lifestyle choice. You have obviously led a very sheltered life, and I would be interested to know if you have any daughters? I suspect not. I have to tell you that I have an only daughter who is just about to make us grandparents. My son-in-law is so lovely and she is an excellent wife, and, oh yes - we, her parents, gifted them the deposit for their house, which demonstrates our faith in both of them!! I think your opening post is really horrible.

I think the OP must not have many friends who trust her with the complexity of their lives if she thinks that the "street view" tends to match what is going on (goid and bad) with couples behind doors.

Diana I understand your concerns about the future family lives of your DGSs. The answer to your question is to try and 'teach' our young menfolk how to be good husbands and fathers before they settle down.
(And yes life as a single mum is hell, as is bringing up your kids with someone other than their dad)

I am really surprised at some of the judgmental comments telling the OP not to be judgmental! I don't know the details of the situation but I suspect the OP knows more than she is saying.

Some seem to assume that the woman is always good and always well motivated, not so! Some men really are good fathers and some women really do take advantage. It works both ways and it is not unknown for a woman to choose a partner purely as a sperm donor. I don't know if this is the case but I do feel we could all be a little kinder to the OP.

A policeman told me his brother committed suicide because of a wife who behaved just as the OP has suggested has happened to her nephews. Please bear in mind the woman holds all the cards in these situations.

If the three kicked out nephews are three brothers they must have faults in common, bad enough for all of them to be kicked out.

Some seem to assume that the woman is always good and always well motivated, not so!

Women do not need to be saints in order for it to be CORRECT that the resident parent gets the family home and maintenance. Their character doesnt come into it either way. So actually no, the ex wives werent judged to be nice or good people because that is irrelevant. What is relevant is that they are the resident parents and as such it is not "gold digging" to expect the family home plus maintenance plus a share of pension if their early years care enabled their ex to work non child friendly hours.

Diana54 I can't believe the amount of vitriole directed at you in this thread! Whatever has Gransnet come to to generate so many nasty, unsympathetic responses to a scenario that is clearly troubling you.
I have experienced precisely this in my family. We could never understand why a thirty something successful business woman would choose our unambitious but hardworking guy who she picked up in a bar. The wedding was quickly planned, and she demanded that her clock was ticking so they immediately tried for a baby. She kept her high powered job, he became the duty parent whilst working part time in his own business. As soon as the second child reached school age, she announced that she wanted a divorce and ordered him to leave with his personal belongings. He had done nothing - except perhaps not be dynamic enough for her. She tried to get out of giving him his share of the equity in the house. She tried to alienate him with their children. She levered in her parents to do the after school and holiday care. He was forced to fight for access to his children, and his rights to equity, but he did it, nearly bankrupting himself in the process. Four years later, he has his own little house and his children have a part time but regular life with him. He's permanently broke as a result. She immediately took up with a high powered businessman she met online.
Don't be so judgmental Gransnetters - young women today want it all - and they can use every trick in the book to get it.

I had a friend married to a man with two brothers. All three of them ended up divorced. They had grown up with a violent father and two of them followed in his footsteps and used violence against their wives. My friend's husband didn't but he could be oppressive and shouted a lot. She commented when they separated that the children were so relieved that their father no longer lived at home. When I met these me men they were all very pleasant and good company, although I did witness one scene when staying with my friend. Not frightening, but unpleasant.

As several people have said. You do not know what goes on behind closed doors.

They didn't resent the children being in the house, nor paying child maintenence, what they don't like is being kicked out for no good reason.
I'm actually quite surprised that so many of you are taking the woman's side, Im a good judge of men and they did not deserve to be treated that way.

On a happier note my youngest daughter had the opposite problem, she was the prettiest of my 3 and a lovely temperament. Started dating her husband at 18, he is tall, dark, very good looking ( I fancied him myself) and there is a lot of money in the family, the perfect SIL.
The problem was he refused to marry her, she stuck it out for 6 yrs then walked out and went backpacking, then after 3 months went back to him. Still no marriage, so she got pregnant, son born, no marriage, pregnant again, then at about 6 months gone I got a phone call one Monday, " mum do you want to come to a wedding on Friday". That was it both sets of parents, two witnesses and a pub lunch afterwards.
His mother had put her foot down and told him to get married, they now have 4 children, MIL is best friend and helps a lot with the children. It all worked out in the end despite the frustrations

On a happier note my youngest daughter had the opposite problem, she was the prettiest of my 3 and a lovely temperament. Started dating her husband at 18, he is tall, dark, very good looking ( I fancied him myself) and there is a lot of money in the family, the perfect SIL.

On a happier note my youngest daughter had the opposite problem, she was the prettiest of my 3 and a lovely temperament. Started dating her husband at 18, he is tall, dark, very good looking ( I fancied him myself) and there is a lot of money in the family, the perfect SIL.


I think this says it all! Yardsticks come to mind.

As my mother would have said, handsome is as handsome does.

I don't know why I quoted twice! ?

Don't be so judgmental Gransnetters - young women today want it all - and they can use every trick in the book to get it

nice

On a happier note my youngest daughter had the opposite problem, she was the prettiest of my 3 and a lovely temperament. Started dating her husband at 18, he is tall, dark, very good looking ( I fancied him myself) and there is a lot of money in the family, the perfect SIL.

this is a joke yes?

If 3 men from the same extended family all have the same problem, I would be asking if they were all raised with the same bad attitudes.
And the fourth nephew:
That leaves just one nephew that is still with his family, he is a character I don't much like and refuses to marry his girlfriend. He dominates her and regards their 3 kids as "her" children, they have been together for 15 yrs, live in a rented house, even though he has a well paid job and could afford to buy easily.

Well, he sounds like a real charmer - and how do you know that the other three did not behave in the same way behind closed doors?

Really, however unhappy you feel, it is none of your business and, as others have said, no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

It is any children of the relationships who should be most of concern.