PLEASE help me get on with my MIL!

How is she with other relatives? Too helpful? Needy? My former MIL used daffiness, affection, always being there to baby sit etc to gain control of her other son, his wives (as it turned out as she was successful in driving 3 off) and their children. In the end she brought up 2 of the children. If you think this is a way of her getting control - Be firm. Be as independent. Be too busy for her! Your family and your happiness first! - And as for the hair - Nooo - she should show some respect. PS Of course it is always possible she is plain silly!

Every time you call MIL how about telling her you've just been to the hairdresser and as everybody knows you hate having your hair fiddled about with, so didn't enjoy yourself. She might eventually get the message. By the way, 2 weeks visit is far too long- anybody staying with me for that length of time would get on my nerves- and I love people coming to stay- 3 days is plenty.

Newbiedoobie your post would be a good answer to the loneliness thread that is running.

With regard to the hair stroking, there's no need to hurt her feelings if you tell her kindly but honestly.

Many people can't stand having their hair/head/face touched repeatedly, so you are not alone. You can tell her to please not do that but reassure her that it's not personal and that you don't mean to offend. Explain that you are one of those people who has a very sensitive scalp and that you experience an unpleasant, irritating sensation when your head is being stroked.

Wasn't there a post the other day starting pretty much the same and on the same subject. It got withdrawn in the end as it ended upas HQ said a bit of a bunfight. All I could suggest that in time in will get better.

My own mother said to me and I’ve passed it on to my own daughter, that your mother in law is the woman who brought up the man you fell in love with. Whilst I never loved my MiL like my own Mum, she was a woman with lots of love to give me and her grandchildren, we both compromised over certain things and I sadly missed her when she died. Good luck with your relationship, I bet you are both lovely women and just need a bit more practice at sorting out this ‘new’ dynamic.

Your mother is a wise woman Patticake

Couldn't you simply say "Please don't, I don't like my hair being touched"? Also" I'm not too comfortable with physical contact" ? Still love you lots though -

I get the impression that MIL will never get it right no matter what she does or says. That’s usually the case. If you have a son, you will probably be regarded in the same way one day so be prepared.

OP is your DH a loving husband?
A caring father?
Does he nurture his little family?
Does he have family values?
Is he respected by friends and colleagues?

If the answer is yes, then
I guess your mother in law (and father in law) did a good job

You are all wonderful women, thank you for your advice. My MIL and FIL have two other sons, one of whom is married to a man (so no awkward DIL relationship there!) and the other is single. I’m married to her youngest and also her most independent son, which I know she struggles with. He lives the furthest away from his parents and I have to remind him to call them! Our son is their first GC, but my MIL is gooey over EVERYONE. A previous response suggested she is looking for attention and affection (not in a narcissistic way) and this might be right. My FIL is the ‘why use one sentence when a grunt will do’ type, so I imagine there’s very little conversation there. She’s a popular woman because of her generous and friendly nature, but I can absolutely imagine that she could be a little lonely! You are all right, the hair stroking I will gently put an end to, but for the sake of a good relationship I will just learn to have patience with everything else and remind myself that it comes from a loving place. The issue here is definitely my tolerance rather than her behaviour!

Acciaccatura, you are probably right that the only thing she is doing wrong is not being my mum! I’d never thought if it like that.

Well said Nannyfrance ?

Bella, you are a nice girl.....wish you were my d.i.l.?

Sorry, Nella

When I read this I immediately thought that your MIL is doing her best to be a good MIL. Maybe she realises that it’s not easy being a MIL, it doesn’t come naturally to some. Just a thought.

Some people are 'huggy kissy', some are not.
My MIL wasn't, but I came from a family which was.
The first time I gave her a hug she was startled, but she actually became more 'huggy' over the years.

I have to remind him to call them!?
Nella oh goodness, I know what that is like.
I used to phone MIL regularly and had to nag DH to phone his mother sometimes!

Nella8 We visited my MIL and she gave me a very long hug (unusual) and a little present which was a reminder of where I grew up.
I didn't know it would be the last time I saw her

Is it that's she is just trying too hard. She obviously knows that some girls/mother in laws have horrendous relationships, and doesn't want this with you. Can you not have a conversation about this, and explain that you really like her, but find affection a bit difficult??

nella you are a nice person. I just wish that all the other MIL threads would follow your advice and show some tolerance.

When I was younger, I hated hugs from other women. My mother wasn't a hugger and neither was I. However, all my sons seem to have become attached to hugging women and whilst I had to steel myself to start with, I have gradually found that they come quite naturally now. I have been known to even instigate them! However, stroking my hair would be a big no-no. I would just ask nicely if they would mind not doing that. I wouldn't feel I had to give a reason, just a thanks but no thanks.
Texts are easy. Just answer the ones you want or need to.
I quite often forget to finish....! My family tease me because I forget to complete things or I mind hop. She probably can't help it so try to be tolerant or prompt her to finish. She may not even realise she does it.
I am sure that she is just really excited about her first grandchild. 4 months is really early days, it is all so new for everybody. She will probably settle down in time.

Hmmm .. MIL sounds totally self centred. Lovely and kind in some ways but totally oblivious to what is good for anyone else.

Where did the idea come from that it was a good idea to spend a couple of weeks at a time with you ? Perhaps it would be easier if you went to stay with them for a couple of days a few times a year ... easier to escape!

One thing puzzles me ... how on earth is she close enough to you to regularly stroke your hair?

Regarding all the texts and messages .. pass them on to your husband to deal with!

Hi Nella8. This is a tricky situation for sure. Two weeks is too long. Just move away when she starts the stroking thing with your hair. I wouldn't respond to all the texts either. Maybe when you want to, every day or every second day is just too much. Hopefully things will get better when your little one gets older. I must say that this post has reinforced our decision to back off from our daughter in law. We love her dearly, and admire her as a mother but sadly she is now our ex-daughter in law. We still see her and go away on holidays with her and our grand-daughter but we have backed off considerably as to not smother her. Another tricky situation indeed. Good luck.

As the mother of sons, I have immense sympathy for your problem, and the advice already given provides vast scope for you, but I would like to make one observation.
You say MiL is only 62, and that she tends to drift off in the middle of a sentence, etc, etc, all in all you find her a bit vapid.
I started being like that when I hit the menopause, (much later than most women,) I drove myself mad, let alone anyone else; though I did not do the hair stroking!!
Hopefully MiL will improve in due course, I do seem to be able to finish sentences again, thank goodness!!