Poor relationship with my daughter

My 3 DD were hideous at 15!! They are all lovely adults now. I really would not take sides! Teenagers(especially the girls!) are very,very difficult and you only get part of the picture (the part the teenager puts across!) I would offer love and support to both parties but do not take a side! As others have said that way disaster lies.

Echo all others saying don’t take sides.

Be there for them both. Are you in a position to organise a day out for them? A treat? Spa day? Meal? Theatre? Shopping day out with lunch? Sometimes it’s just spending the time together that works.

That’s what I did with my teen dds.

My granddaughter and her Mum went through this at a similar age to your GD and it was upsetting for my son (her Dad) as well as me and my DH. She would have an argument with her Mum and then email or text me to ask if she could come and stay with us for a few days. Of course I always said I would have to discuss it with her parents first and she usually did come to us and the situation was defused - until the next time. We never, ever took sides. By the time she went to sixth form college things were much better between them; she is 20 now, away at university, and very close to her Mum so I would say what your DD is going through with her daughter is just a phase that hopefully won’t last long. We had two boys and never went through this stage with them and this is why it was so upsetting at the time. I’m sure it will pass.

My reaction would be to always be a welcoming space for my granddaughter, and, without ever criticising her mother to her, provide love and support. I remember that I had trouble with my own kids when they were teens - I would have resented it bitterly if my mother or mother in law had said anything to me about it or sided with my boys against me, undermining me and worsening the tension.

Dottie60 Welcome to Gnet!
I'm sorry to hear about this, it is obviously very painful for you.
I had 3DDs and teenage years were up and down as is normal. It sounds as if there is more than the teenage stuff here and that your DD and DGD really clash, your DD perhaps, finding her daughter very irritating and being unable to control how she feels. This is not at all uncommon, for a parent to find a particular child gets under their skin, no matter what their age.
It is possible your DD vents a bit more when you are around because your presence makes her feel a bit safer. But it is more likely that she has got into a pattern, and is unaware of how critical she is of her daughter. Would it be possible to have a word with her? Start by commiserating about how tough it is to have teenage children today - it really is much harder than ever before; very expensive and very nerve-wracking regarding the friends they might have and where they go. Maybe your daughter needs a self-esteem boost and is unconsciously projecting things onto her daughter. I would build up your daughter, say how well she manages and you respect her as well as love her. Then very gently say you can understand how hard it is not to be critical and have very high standards regarding the children, especially these days, but you think your DGD is getting affected by her criticism and losing her self-esteem. The best results are always obtained by praise, tell her, and point out your DGD's good traits and give your DD credit for raising her.

I am truly glad I am not a mother of a teenager now. I couldn't afford the mobile phone bills for a start! But the anxiety about the world today, the problems facing young people, the difficulties to get jobs, the loans and debts for university, it all is so daunting and frightening.

Can you take your DGD out for a day or have her over for a weekend? I realise she might prefer to be with her friends, but it might give her and her mum a bit of a break if they are getting on top of each other? Maybe it could be a regular thing, if that is possible.
Wishing you much happiness and hoping all will come through well for everybody.

Keep out of it. Your Grand daughter is the same age as mine, at a very awkward age. Your criticism in my opinion would be putting your daughter down. It wouldn't be fair on either of them to take sides.

I know I’m not supposed to say it but I didn’t have a problem with my daughter at all. Her poor health at times made me stressed out but her behaviour was very acceptable . Curfews were kept ( within 10 mins)... her homework was done ... she of course didn’t keep her room tidy OR help with chores very often .... but I can’t say I ever lost a nights sleep over her. We didn’t always see eye to eye over clothes or boyfriends.... but I held my tongue , after all you have to pick your battles! I think I must be very lucky in her and her younger brother.

Some mother daughter relationships take half a life time to become a pleasure to both, if ever. My eldest DD falls into this group With her younger sister I have never had much trouble and we always got on fine.

One thing you can't interfere with that family, and whatever you do don't take sides. Sometimes it helps to meet outside somehwere, have a lunch or visit a museum or adventure park or the cinema

Teenagers are - or can be - emotional, rash and impulsive, headlong, lacking in experience, arrogant, rude, unthinking, partial and quick to challenge and argue. They look like young adults but behave like children at times.

As such, they need firm boundaries and protecting from their own behaviour. It is beholden on the adults charged with this protection to support each other for their sake.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mark Twain quote: 'When I was a boy of 14 my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to 21 I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in 7 years,'