Nasty friends of friends

I don't agree Pecs. It would never occur to me to describe someone as ugly. I think the man tried unsuccessfully to demonstrate how rude it was to do so. I think they were both wrong.
However its not that important. People say things sometimes which offend us or seem rude I'm sure we all do, because we're human. Better to just forget it. I'm sure everyone else has. It was only a few minutes out of a whole evening.

The various responses on Gransnet never fail to astonish me. It doesn’t matter what the subject is there will always be posters who take the awkward/opposite view to the norm or expected view! On this occasion, it’s perfectly obvious that this man’s remark was extremely hurtful to the OP and indeed would have been hurtful to anyone hearing that about themselves but there’s always the ones who feel it suitable to criticise her for describing a long dead actor as ugly in a light hearted conversation. I can’t believe all the posts listing all the ways she was in the wrong! Just have some compassion people, for goodness sake!

No need to describe anyone as ugly, dead or alive, if you are a person who doesn’t have a problem with describing anyone as ugly well....... isn’t it obvious ?

Is ‘ lighthearted ‘ compatible with Ugly ?
If so his remark must also be taken as ‘ Lighthearted

Gosh, so many perfect people in Gransnet who never just say words without thinking! I would easily describe someone on TV or films as ugly if it helped to picture the person and it was in a conversation such as we’re talking about but I’d never even consider saying something like that to a person’s face! Come off your high horses please!

Ugly isn’t even accurate, what one person would describe as ugly another would not.
Probably a word best avoided. Sometimes what pops in to our minds is best left there.

I’m afraid I agree with Luckylegs folks.

That’s a shame Maddyone.
As an older generation shouldn’t we be setting a better example .

The expected view that people will automatically agree with you? I dont expect or want people to do that. I want an objective viewpoint when I share.
I also stated we all say things we shouldn't. So not claiming perfection. As Bridgeit said What is ugly?
How can the poster not see that what she is saying is I called someone ugly and then someone told me I'm ugly. I am offended. lol.

I try to set a good example to my children and grandchildren Bridgeit, but it’s not always possible

It’s just that I think the man sounds insufferably rude to speak to a fellow guest like he did. As for the OP describing an actor who she regards as ugly, who is only known through TV or films, well it’s really not a cardinal sin in my humble opinion. I’ll accept misjudged, but not deliberately hurtful. It’s the fellow guest who behaved extremely badly, he was rude to a person’s face and upset her. Surely people can see that’s by far the worst offence.

Exactly,
Thankyou Annep,

Indeed annep, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, or so I was brought up to believe. But none the less, I stand by my post above.

Maybe we're missing the core point of this issue. I think someone's motive for using a particular word is actually the key, rather than the word itself.
The OP used the word "ugly" as she was looking for a quick way to describe the actor and some aspect of his appearance brought that word to mind. She could not have been using it to offend/hurt the actor as he would never hear about it.
I would suggest some possible motives, however, for the guest who called the OP ugly: he did not think he was being included in the conversation as much as he would like or thought others found him boring, so made a misguided attempt at humour to address this; he was jealous of the OP in some way, such as she has a good relationship with his wife or is generally more popular with others than he is; he has been attracted to the OP in the past and is trying to convince himself/his wife that this is no longer the case....
Misguided, low self-esteem, jealous, just a bit "ugly" on the inside... Maybe he is more to be pitied?
I would not resort to insulting/ignoring him in an unpleasant way unless he deliberately does something else to hurt you. It wouldn't make you feel any better and may be witnessed by others who could then brand you as unkind, which is probably more hurtful than being called ugly by that man at the dinner.
I know it sounds cliched but I have known people who looked attractive, but suddenly physically appeared much less so if they showed themselves to be selfish and unkind. I also worked with a lady who did not have particularly pretty features if you stopped to analyse her looks, but everyone perceived her as being attractive because she was so kind, encouraging and never spoke badly of others.
If I were you, I would give myself a wee treat of some sort to cheer me up and then focus on being as lovely ( inside and out) as I'm sure you've always been.

I agree Maddyone, but it is possible to point out that if one is dishing it out , one must put up & shut up when the dish come back.

And, of course, while setting your good example, you’d never be hurtful or rude, would you, Bridgeit?

Her arrogance & lack of empathy is staggering, better if she had considered her own ugliness of character.

Nice.

But she wasn't dishing it out to anyone in the room, just passing her opinion on an actor whom no-one probably knew.

I still thing it was a very nasty retaliation that there were much better ways of replying eg - 'well you may think that, I don't, but do you agree that he's a great actor?'

Unpleasant, rude and nasty to say something personally to another dinner guest. Whatever that man looks like, he is ugly inside.

lack of empathy
Lack of empathy with whom? An actor whom no-one knows?

I do apologise Maggiemaybe, I should have prefixed that comment with. ‘ Her apparent’

Jalima - to any one who has had to endure being described as Ugly, past, present, or future !

Wasn’t that what he wanted her to understand?

I can't begin to tell you Bridgeit!

Gearing myself up for the next encounter - with some tips from this thread

Wasn’t that what he wanted her to understand?

I don't think so Bridgeit, as the actor wasn't in the room.
He could have put it better without insulting someone to her face.

I would have looked at him directly and said
pointedly and audibly 'Did you enjoy just saying that?' I certainly would not rebuff him on future unexpected encounters. That might give him the notion that his unkindness had mattered to you. I would give an 'agreeable' hello but not a word more. I certainly would decline any invitations where I knew he was included in the company.

I think I thought the actor in the modern version was an actor who could be described as " odd looking" Benedict Cumberbatch, ( here I expect to receive a deluge of abuse from his admirers) perhaps, rather than " ugly" but sometimes words slip out. I realise no- one can help the looks they were born with; I am not a beauty myself, maybe I should have chosen my words more carefully, perhaps I meant he was miscast. I put my hurt reaction down to bullying I suffered as a child. But thanks again Gransnetters, most of you are willing to try to understand my pain.

ElaineR155, Just read your post. You are a gem and I wish I could meet you. Jaxie ?