Gransnet forums


Is hubby cheating

(59 Posts)
Vix51 Fri 23-Nov-18 02:40:14

My hubby retired at 53 a few years ago with a decent pension I’m still working part time. He’s been amazing by doing all the washing, drying, some cleaning and cooking. He walks a lot and clay pigeon shoots a couple of days a week. For the last 6 months he’s chosen to sleep in the spare room, we are both bad sleepers and accepted this and secretly enjoy having a bed to myself, as I do get up early for work. Our sex life had dwindled over the years and he says he struggles to maintain an erection but I discovered he’d been visiting porn sites daily for months, I was furious and he begged my forgiveness and promised me he wouldn’t do it again. I’ve checked history on the computer and it’s all clean now or he covers his tracks! The reason I’m saying all this is I came home from work to my husband who’d just showered as he’d been chopping wood, in the bathroom in the bath was 2 very long black hairs, I’m blonde/gray, I clean the bathroom often and nobody uses it apart from me and my husband! Don’t know how to deal with this! 😢😢

DoraMarr Fri 23-Nov-18 08:00:38

I think the only thing you can do is ask him.

mumofmadboys Fri 23-Nov-18 08:08:59

Tell him you found two long black hairs in the bath and you wonder where they came from in a relaxed way and see his reaction.

BlueBelle Fri 23-Nov-18 08:11:18

Well there’s really not a lot to go on He might have been watching porn to try and liven up his flagging sex drive perhaps a shaggy black dog visited him while he was chopping wood
As you don’t have a sex life and sleep in Different rooms maybe instead of getting angry and imagining things you need to sit down and see what you both want in your older age

aggie Fri 23-Nov-18 08:12:30

Retired at 53 , he must be bored ,

sodapop Fri 23-Nov-18 08:12:34

Yes I agree with mumofmadboys and don't jump to any conclusions. I'm sorry you are having these concerns though,

yggdrasil Fri 23-Nov-18 08:23:12

"Our sex life had dwindled over the years "
And does this upset you, or are you happy with the separate rooms and the lack of sex?
If you want sex, then talk it out with him, or go to Relate. But be prepared for not liking the outcome.
If you are happy, then leave it alone. And ignore the porn, that would be his business.

Izabella Fri 23-Nov-18 09:14:13

Keep stum and gather evidence. Keep a diary. If you merely ask about a couple of stray hairs (he will deny anyway) you have nothing else to fall back on. You need to be able to present several incidences. Reduces the ability to wriggle out of the situation. (and keep the hairs in a plastic bag!!)

I fear I know the outcome. Good luck.

oldbatty Fri 23-Nov-18 09:25:52

I think you are making this up.

gillybob Fri 23-Nov-18 09:30:25

Hairs can look much darker against (say) white tiles so I wouldn’t assume they belong to anyone else . Especially if that’s all you have to go on . Having been cheated on in the past I know I would recognise the signs these days. Paying more attention to appearance , avoiding any kind of intimacy ( not just sex) , trying to make up for guilt in other ways ( I’ve made your tea, bought you some flowers etc) plenty more signs to look out for than just a stray hair .

mumofmadboys Fri 23-Nov-18 10:12:53

How is that helpful oldbatty??

Rufus2 Fri 23-Nov-18 13:10:46

Do a DNA.! Perhaps they're not female.! wink

sodapop Fri 23-Nov-18 13:14:26

Why would you think that oldbatty ?

aggie Fri 23-Nov-18 13:35:17

Well the OP hasn't got back , so Oldbatty might have a point

EllanVannin Fri 23-Nov-18 13:57:27

I would imagine that he'd have noticed the hairs first and disposed of them before you noticed. That's called covering tracks.
Just ask him,with humour,has he suddenly started sprouting long hair like a gorilla because you found a couple ( haha )

EllanVannin Fri 23-Nov-18 14:01:46

If you " tackle " him it will then give him the excuse he's waiting for and will push him further away.
Reverse psychology is the way to go. That'll baffle him.

Oakleaf Fri 23-Nov-18 14:09:22

There’s nothing wrong with using pornography so long as it doesn’t involve illegal activities. Getting furious with him over that won’t have helped. If you are certain the hair is human then sounds like he’s been to a contact site and brought a woman into your home. There are many, many sexually frustrated married men out there doing this kind of thing online. He may even have paid for sex. It’s worse he brought her into your home and didn’t go to a hotel but it’s done now. It’s just sex. Talk to him frankly about it. Look at some porn together. It may rekindle your own sex life.

aggie Fri 23-Nov-18 14:14:39

Porn isn't victim free , it involves sordid film makers filming real people , and not necessarily willing people . It degrades humanity

Sparklefizz Fri 23-Nov-18 14:20:33

Oakleaf How helpful is your comment? Talk about worst case scenario ....

BlueBelle Fri 23-Nov-18 14:25:59

Oh come on the poor bloke Oakleaf now has him hung drawn and quartered You ve got a pretty vivid imagination oakleaf

Oakleaf Fri 23-Nov-18 14:29:08

Sparklefizz. What do you think the scenario is? I think my view of it is what the OP thinks it is.

aggie. There are many things in life which exploit humans against their will - the chocolate trade for one - the West's insatiable greed for cheap clothing another. Do we stop buying chocolate and cheap clothes? No. Pornography is there and people use it. It's nothing to get into a rage about.

aggie Fri 23-Nov-18 15:20:51

I am not in a rage .... but it is not a big step from pornography to abuse , and it is degrading . I am sad rather than angry , what in my post made you think "rage" ?

Oakleaf Fri 23-Nov-18 15:38:35

Not you aggie, the OP who said she was furious with her husband for looking at porn. She says her husband has problems maintaining an erection. I don't see a problem with him using legal porn if it helps him get around that problem.

Davidhs Fri 23-Nov-18 17:28:17

Before you start investigating you need to decide what you would do if he was seeing another woman, as you
really were not happy with porn an affair would be worse.
You checked his computer, if you have access to his phone has it got a tracker, some cars have a tracker app, or you can buy a tracker. See where he goes. Just check how many cartridges he is using for clay shooting, 100 or more a day if he is keen.
Retired at 53, you working, his opportunities are endless, on the other hand it may be nothing.

Buffybee Fri 23-Nov-18 19:51:12

Just a thought!
You say he walks a lot and shoots.
If he walks in the countryside there could be horses that he pets.
If one had a black mane, could it possibly be that?
You have to think of all innocent reasons for the hairs but if you are suspicious, I would not mention them.
If things are not as they should be you will soon begin to notice other things.