Coercive control

I think there are so many subtle ways that men can control us, that it can be hard to explain to others how it makes you feel. If you are with someone who is always happy and upbeat when you are in company, then when you are alone he manipulates you or does something else that doesn’t involve any signs of abuse eg calling you names, keeping you short of money and so on, how do tell folk that he is in fact a horrible person. My first husband used his illness to manipulate me/ the kids. It was always ‘poor me, I have this terrible illness so I can shout and roar at you, demand sex from you’ and so on. He once got me by the throat because I tried to stop him pawing at me, but I couldn’t tell anyone because he was ‘ill’ and I thought I would be judged. I did eventually leave him after having counselling etc and then folk would say ‘I don’t know why you put up with him as long as you did’. So folk obviously knew, but no one wanted to say anything. It’s a very difficult problem.

I have been watching this thread with interest. Thought long and hard re doing a post. Husband controlling especially when I was young. Seems very caring to start with. Did not tell anyone. Thought I would not be believed as parents divorced and all mothers fault!!! Lots of rules/ demands from husband. Feel I have not had the life I wanted. Still married but could be happier. He appears a very nice chap to every one else.

That's very sad to hear, Fernbergien.

My ex husband was the life and soul of the party. Mr Popular, everyone seemed to love him. In his company I always felt so small and undeserving which made him poke fun at my expense. This really hurt. I did genuinely believe there must be something wrong with me.
At home my ex was lazy, snappy and frequently called me names if I dared challenge his behaviour.
He drank every night claiming he got bored watching tv as an excuse. Although I worked he controlled the finances and I was often kept short of money.
The children, growing up saw him either flat out on the chair asleep after work or not at all, although my son was taken out like some kind of trophy every weekend to watch his dad play football. My ex's friends saw him as a devoted dad.
Again I thought there must be something wrong with me.
This is however the pattern. These men truly believe they are God's to be worshipped and like a little brainwashed fool I gave my ex such loyalty and devotion but mostly received scorn in return. The few times I would be given praise I was like a dog with a bone.
The discovery of my ex's affair brought about my awakening. Of course Mr Perfect thought he could still keep me dangling and I played along in part to get a divorce on my terms. Poor man couldn't quite believe how his most devoted fan turned in the end. No, I had no idea about coercive control back then but I sure do now.
I now know there was never anything wrong with me but there certainly was with him.

Well Annapops I can relate to some of that.
Told must not talk to people He did not know.
Hit when trying to rescue him when drunk.
Hauled out of social gatherings for talking to “ wrong man”.
Accused of seeing other men.
Paranoid as well as controlling.