Mother/Daughter again

You worry it’s only you who gets the brunt of her depression... perhaps you should be sort of pleased as she can obviously be herself with you as she appreciates you are ‘safe’ and under no circumstances would you abandon her...

Me too. I realise now I had PND, but it didn't seem to be recognised until a few years later - I was told to pull myself together. Waking up each day I felt a sense of dread and helplessness, and wondered how I could get through the day. I also had overwhelming guilt as I had a beautiful healthy baby and although we were far from wealthy we had a house and could pay our bills. I feel sad now when I think about those times as I missed a lot of the happiness of having a new baby - and my baby must have suffered a lot too with a miserable unresponsive mother. It was all too much and I couldn't cope. Having had a career and a job I loved, which I willingly left to start a family, I also missed the friends and the buzz of work, and was lonely. There is help out there - please urge your DD to get it.

What about contacting her GP. I did, (he/she will never reveal who contacted them) and after some time and kind treatment she overcame her troubles.

Possibly the present generation of young mothers have unrealistic expectations of what it’s like to have young children- perhaps persuaded by the princess culture of social media - all glittery, smiling and happy! Well having had 3 children in 3 and a half years plus a full time job myself when the youngest was 3 - I can tell you it is mostly a grind of coping somehow - yes there were spikes of joy but it was hard work. I would have been quite depressed to have had to put up with all jolly messages about perfect holidays perfect children perfect houses on Facebook Instagram etc etc. I feel so sorry for them being bombarded with all this and it probably fuels the likelihood of PND.

I know you say funds are low but could you finance a cleaner?

oodles thanks for your long reply. It is helpful. I must watch what I say. I have been known to blurt out the wrong thing.
And you are right. Mine were small a long time ago and I think we try to forget the bad times and only remember the lovely times, holidays and highlights.
She is another person, not me, and is bound to see things differently.
I do tell her she is a good mum because she is! I just wish she was a happy mum.

Oodles (and others) offer very good advice but I do totally sympathise with your own feelings.
Currently both my 2 AC are struggling for completely different reasons. Like you I live a long way away (in another country actually) and have just been over for a pre-Christmas visit. I so looked forward to spending time with them. We are an affectionate and supportive family. But, in fact, I spent both visits shopping, cleaning, cooking etc (which I was happy to do) and hardly saw them because they work such long hours and were so tired and often fed up when they got home.
My DD is having counselling and I too spend all the time hearing her go round and round in circles of sadness and worry. I can only listen, listen, listen and console and cuddle her and then go to bed (or home eventually) and cry myself.
One understands that 'help' and 'advice' can be seen as patronising and unhelpful but sometimes I run out of 'oh dear' and mmmmm and other hopefully reassuring noises. I come away feeling anxious and helpless (and a little frustrated too!) but usually my daughter texts me later and thanks me for listening.
On the other hand, my own mother who was a kind soul, discouraged all conversation about sadness or difficulties as she herself found it too upsetting. This meant I bottled up everything even when going through a divorce with 2 young children and, in some ways, I don't think I ever got over that feeling of suppression.
So I offer a ((hug)) to you. And very much hope your daughter sees her life more positively soon.

Maybe she's a pessimist at heart. Has she ALWAYS been the type to look at the negatives in life?
It's easy to attribute her attitude to PND or any other depressive illness but that may not be the case. Was she like this after her first child?
Has she tried to find a mother and baby club nearby or some other activities such as toddlers story-time at her local library? If she has internet then she could connect with other mums in the same position via WhatsApp or Skype, when the children are fed and sleeping or playing.
The more you fuss over her the more she will wallow and be contrary over your suggestions.
Of course (and I'm mindful of other GNers jumping down my throat to tell me that I don't know how debilitating depression is) that may well be the 'diagnosis' but pills alone aren't a cure-all.
I hope you realise that you have gone the extra mile but you can't work miracles. I hope things improve...for both of you.

Grammaretto
^Toddlers, swimming, nursery,
friends^. That sounds as if she meets other mums at these places and nursery...? I thought she couldn't afford that and you were looking to perhaps pay for a day's respite. Could she have one of those friends over for an afternoon with her children. A few toys to play with while your DD and friend have a good natter and perhaps coffee and cake. When you have children, things are never the same again and you should consider the emotional, physical and financial implications that come with a rather ' family life. I take it that her isolation is only in terms of adult companionship, not that she lives in a very rural area so WhatsApp, as mentioned earlier, could possibly help with that aspect. Best wishes to both of you.

* rather insular family life.

Lovely post silver

I know you must be worn and frazzled Silver but oh your family must have really enjoyed your visit...a respite from fraught days.

They will have benefited from your visit Silverling. Thanks for your supportive post.
Gabriella. She has a small network of other mum friends but she is rural and isolated. Friends don't pop in. Her friends from before children are far away and have gone in different directions. ie. They don't have children yet.
The nursery for her 3 yr old is a free pre-school but just 2 and a half hours a day and is a round trip of 20 miles twice. Writing that I couldn't believe it and had to check- it really is.
She does miss adult company. She says it was much easier for me as I had support. I suppose I did. I lived in a town and had neighbours and there were plenty of things to do and I walked everywhere. There was also a support network of other home mums whereas it seems most work now.

Silverrlining47 not silverling. Sorry.

couldn't she drop the 3 year old at nursery and find things to do for the two and a half hours in the town? Seems silly to use petrol for a double trip and be isolated when she's home when she could do something when she's out .Even a walk round the shops and a coffee would use up some time an a trip to the park with her wee one where she could arrange to meet friends .

A thoughtful and empathetic reply oodles with plenty of helpful suggestions. And GabriellaG57 a different, more robust approach but just as worthy of consideration in my opinion. And silverlining47 another great post - you’re right, just being available to really listen makes a huge difference.
I have no words of wisdom myself to pass on Grammaretto. I hope your very tired and unhappy daughter feels happier soon. Then you will too. ❤️

paddyann unfortunately it isn't a town. It's a cluster of houses around a tiny village school. The nearest shop is miles away.
She does do things with the wee one during nursery sometimes but especially now it's so cold making a dash for home is as good as it gets.
In summer time it can seem like a rural idyll but the reality is different.

OODLES you are a wonderful, wise woman. ?

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Nice jumper santa.

Grammaretto there are some very helpful and kind posts on here to which it is difficult to add anything of value except my own experience as a very capable mum who was very unwell. My GP thought I had PND and insisted I tried some antidepressants but they knocked me out totally which scared me to death since I had two small children in my care at the time. My mum recognised the whole situation and told me to go back to the GP and ask for my thyroid to be checked out and that was what it was, an underactive thyroid. It took quite a while to get the dose right before I started feeling better but eventually I recovered. I was still tired but young mums generally are, it is an occupational hazard!
Even if it turns out not to be the case it could be a non-judgemental way of getting her to see her GP and you could forewarn the GP about your concerns about PND. Just a thought.
Btw it is also an occupational hazard as a mum and gran to be the 'whipping boy' for our children. We just need to love them as much as we can in all their circumstances.