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Here we go again.

(44 Posts)
Bopeep14 Tue 01-Jan-19 02:02:25

As some of you know my eldest son and family have gone non contact. He originally stopped speaking to the whole family, but about a month in he started speaking to his younger brother and they have been visiting each other.
I have no problem with this, but just lately my son has become distant towards me has said a few nasty things to me, his wife who I thought I had a good relationship with blatantly ignores me even when I try to talk to her.
It sort of came to a head for me tonight, we went to my daughters for a New Year’s Eve party, my son and his wife and there child were already there, I said hello to her she ignored me never said a word to me had a face like there was a bad smell in the room, until other guest arrived and then she was laughing and chatting with these people.
The only time she spoke to me all evening was to make sure I could still have the child this week while she was at work.
Would you ask what was wrong or would you just leave it and hope it blows over.
The way I feel at the moment is I am ok to save her childminder fees but not ok to talk too.

tiredoldwoman Tue 01-Jan-19 08:02:10

Your daughter was brave to invite her warring family to her party - does she know what you've done to be treated like this ? Maybe she could have a word with her sister in law ? Yes, they always need Granny when there's childcare needed - always be there for the child .smile

EllanVannin Tue 01-Jan-19 08:27:02

There's no answer to this sort of behaviour but there seems to be a lot of it about.
I think I'd just keep quiet and carry on as usual for the child's/childrens sake/s.

Riverwalk Tue 01-Jan-19 08:38:16

You childmind for your son & DIL but they are no contact with you ….. how does that work?

Obviously you want to be there for the grandchild but it's not something I would tolerate!

NfkDumpling Tue 01-Jan-19 08:39:48

Personally, I don’t think I’d be brave enough to say anything directly. Only you know how strong your relationship is with your younger son. Could you ask your daughter what’s wrong so you know how to heal the breach - if there is one.

If older son is sowing the seeds and trying to cause a rift, it could be daughter in law was just trying to avoid an awkward situation. Avoiding you so as not to get drawn in if she thought you might ask about older son - and getting it wrong!

NfkDumpling Tue 01-Jan-19 08:41:31

(Or am I getting the sons muddled up!)

janeainsworth Tue 01-Jan-19 08:46:38

I think there are two sons Riverwalk, one has gone n/c and the other has a child whom the OP minds.
Bopeep I’d be most worried by the son ‘saying nasty things’. Do you challenge him? Does he know you’re hurt by whatever it is he’s said?
Ask him why he’s saying them. I think he’s the problem, not DiL.

Riverwalk Tue 01-Jan-19 08:55:07

Yes, you're right Jane but the other DIL is also not being very nice now! I wouldn't be childminding for someone who is ganging-up and ignored me at a family party.

janeainsworth Tue 01-Jan-19 09:44:10

I wouldn’t want to be taken advantage of either Riverwalk but neither would I want to risk losing contact with GCs......it’s a difficult situation for Bopeep.
I just think very often the DiL gets the blame when in fact there’s something wrong with the relationship with the son and in Bopeep’s post what struck me was that she seemed relatively unconcerned about the nasty things her DS had said, while focussing most of her annoyance on her DiL.
I’d be much more upset by the son’s behaviour than by DiL’s.

crazyH Tue 01-Jan-19 10:11:43

As long as you get to see the GC, I would just grin and bear it. I get this all the time from my older son's wife. He is also not very happy with me after an incident in the summer. For instance, he always rang and wished me HNY as soon as it turned midnight, but this time, nothing. He wished me only after I texted him. As for her, she didn't bother to reply. They don't bother to visit any family, except hers.
But I'm not going to worry too much. Let them get on with it. Perhaps one day, they will realise the error of their ways.

Grammaretto Tue 01-Jan-19 10:24:36

Keep the lines of communication open. Swallow your pride. Be there for the DGC.
I think it's too easy to see a slight when it's not intended.
(Maybe there was a bad smell)

When the DGC get dropped off at yours, or whatever happens, just try to be your usual cheerful self.
You don't explain what caused the rift with your elder son but if it wasn't too bad then there should be scope for healing.

sodapop Tue 01-Jan-19 12:34:37

Although I agree with a lot of what everyone says, how much are grandparents expected to take for fear of losing contact with their grandchildren. It's a sad state of affairs when grandparents are helping so much then get treated like dirt.

Madgran77 Tue 01-Jan-19 16:42:58

I have grinned and beared a great deal more than I ever would in any other relationship! It is hard!

Namsnanny Tue 01-Jan-19 16:51:42

Soda pop...I echo your sentiments entirely!!! But I can never be the one to actually put an end to a relationship..I couldn’t carry the burden of all the prevarication, and did I do the right thing, arguments in my mind!!!

M0nica Tue 01-Jan-19 22:02:54

Why not bring it all out in the open. Ask younger son and wife round and then tell them quite calmly that. You know they have being seeing older son recently and since then have been very cool with you and you would be grateful if they could tell you why older son has cut himself off and why they are now behaving coolly to you.

If they gyp at doing this, point out that under all human rights legislation a prisoner is entitled to know what they has been charged with, have a fair trial when they can defend themselves and if convicted, to challenge verdict and sentence and that you have been denied all these things.

If they continue to be snotty, say that you may not be able to continue to provide child care.

agnurse Tue 01-Jan-19 22:12:35

M0nica

Agree that a sitdown may be in order, but I think bringing up the contact with the older son is a very bad idea.

Parents can't get involved in the relationships of adults. YS would be well within his rights to tell his mum that his relationship with his brother is none of her business.

Bopeep14 Tue 01-Jan-19 23:05:29

I have thought about asking them both why they are acting cool towards us since they have been seeing his brother, i honestly am happy that they are in contact just wish my non contact son would afford his other siblings the same privelage.
I can say with all honesty we have done nothing wrong for our adult son to stop speaking to us it was an argument between a distant family member and our daughter in law that got into a disagreement still 4 months on have no idea what it was about.
I just feel that i have to put up with my other son and daughter in laws behaviour or i will not see my grandchild, its a kind of power they have and i don't think i like it very much. Its an awful way to behave i could never imagine doing this to my parents.

agnurse Wed 02-Jan-19 02:16:11

Bopeep14

Have you said anything to your ES about his relationships with his siblings or about the conflict that started the issue? If you have, that might be the reason for the problem.

While it's understandable that you want your children to have good relationships with each other, the reality is that they are adults. You can't dictate the relationships adults have with one another. If you have said something about this, or about the other conflict, they may have decided to cool things off because they don't want to discuss it with you.

Bopeep14 Wed 02-Jan-19 08:01:47

agnurse I would never dictate anyone’s relationship, they are adults and I treat them as such, we as parents want the best for our children and would love it if it was all harmonious in the family but sadly that is very rarely the case.
Back to the actual problem at the present.
My grandchild was dropped off this morning at 7am my daughter in law didn’t even come in. I am not going to stoop to her level I am going to enjoy the day with my grandchild.

janeainsworth Wed 02-Jan-19 08:25:08

Bopeep Don’t always assume the worst scenario. Maybe your DiL was on the way to work & she was worried about the traffic & thought she might be late if she came in?

Bopeep14 Wed 02-Jan-19 09:15:56

Janeainsworth she doesn’t drive, her mum picks her up and takes her to work, which is literally 5 minutes round the corner from where I live, she only starts at 8 she has breakfast at work beforehand. Will see what happens tonight at 6 when her dad picks her up.

janeainsworth Wed 02-Jan-19 09:26:58

shock I think I’d be suggesting that she has breakfast at home before going to work, and drops your grandchild off at 7.50 so you could have a bit of peace at the beginning of the day!

Telly Wed 02-Jan-19 09:48:52

I would say nothing for the sake of the GC. They are using you, but you do get to build a good relationship with GC. Plus while they have to speak to you then they have to maintain some sort of relationship, even if strained. Just be super lovely as if nothing has happened.

Madgran77 Wed 02-Jan-19 16:12:27

"My grandchild was dropped off this morning at 7am my daughter in law didn’t even come in. I am not going to stoop to her level I am going to enjoy the day with my grandchild."

That is just plain rude! If someone is willing to use another person for childcare then they should be willing to at least engage in polite human interaction. A quick hello, a quick thanks ...etc!! But I know how it feels BoPeep and sympathise. flowers

M0nica Wed 02-Jan-19 17:20:18

I get the feeling that you are a bit of a doormat and have always rushed to help your children all the time so that they have become so used to you being at their beck and call that they think that they can treat you as an unpaid domestic slave.

You have a choice, continue as you are or stand up for yourself and make clear that any free help comes on your terms and at your convenience.