Husband's adult son is a cuckoo in the nest

You need to discuss it together - all three of you- - Rowantree. Your DH cannot ignore your views as it is your home too.

However, I must ask the question ' "How would you feel if it was your son. How would you tackle this?"

“He has a clever ways of always putting me at fault”. This phrase disturbs me as it sounds very controlling, Rowan55. I wouldn’t put up with my children behaving like slobs nor would my DH with his children. It sounds as if both of them are disregarding your views totally so perhaps removing yourself from the situation would be a possibility. However, as others have said this could lead to unforeseen permanent changes in your marital relationship. Tread carefully and perhaps visit the CAB for some legal advice.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

jalima it’s not rowantree, it’s rowan55 - another instance of a very similar username being allowed on GN.
I wish HQ were more discerning about this and didn’t allow it, because it’s really not fair on the member who got in first.

Yes this is Rowan55 and it’s her first post and only post

So he works, at least.

My eldest son (now 37) has been back to live here a couple of times, when his relationship broke down. He had very bad depression, as he had left the mother of his children (she was violent and drunk), and she was being difficult with regards to access. Because of the money he was paying out for his children, bills, etc., he couldn't afford to get a place to live.

I have to say that despite my sympathy for you, I think perhaps your stepson needs help - be it antidepressants (if appropriate), a loan to get his started in his own place, or practical help of looking for somewhere to live.

Apologies Rowan55

And many apologies to Rowantree if you read this thread

Many wise things have been said. If you really want to stay with your husband would it be possible for you as a couple to suggest you pay the rent on a flat, say for three months, for his son to move into to help him out and then he takes it on. That way your husband could go and visit and you would get some balance. I would be reluctant to be the one who moved.

Move and do not give him the new address.

I agree with others that the main problem here is Lack of Respect - from both your Husband and his Son. If someone is going to live in your home, for more than a few weeks, then he needs to pull his weight in terms of housework, washing, etc. you certainly shouldn't be doing any of his washing (let your husband do that - it's his son) and only cook occasionally for him. Tell your husband that HE is being cruel to his son because he's treating him like a child and not like an adult - so how on earth can he ever be independent (unless being dependent is how your husband likes him?) But fundamentally, this is not about his son, it's about your relationship with your husband which sounds as though it's not a healthy one. Please take legal advice; only then will you be able to take a clear decision. And I agree with others - move out for a week or so, so that your husband will have to do everything. Either it will come as a shock to him and he will agree to change the arrangement, or he won't care - in which case you have your answer (the marriage is over; sorry).

I get that some people will look after their 'kids' no matter what, but unless there are mental health issues that need addressing it sounds as though your husband and his son are a pair of piss takers. Your husband is ignoring your feelings and excluding you from important decisions, and his son is a lazy, dirty overstayer. No good mollycoddling grown men that need a hefty kick up the arse. If neither of them have an iota of respect, if they both think this situation is OK, then maybe you do need to get the fuck out of there. Neither of these men will change anything if they are enjoying a cushy life so if you can make changes perhaps that is the way to go. I feel for you and wish you luck whatever you decide to do.

I am in agreement with paddyanne on this would you prefer it if your DH washed his hands of him I would tread very carefully and wouldn't put DH in position where he has to make a choice the three of you need to work together on it as for his room go in and open the windows everyday

I see the main issue here is your husbands total lack of respect for your feelings. You went along with him living with you, but now it’s gone too far. Of course it’s great that your husband is supporting his son, however, we all know that kids need tough love, not indulgent and lacking in respect. It’s your hime too so your feelings matter as much as anyone’s. Personally I would go in the room and blitz it and let them both know that is how you expect to find it every week, if not .... go on a 2 week holiday alone, don’t tell them you are even going, leave a note and your reasons why ......and explore your own feelings and make your decisions for your return. Let them know that you are serious and are not prepared to be treated like this anymore.

In your situation, if I could afford to move I would. I have regretted hanging on in situations that I thought would improve more than any pro-active choices I have made.
Obviously your current legal situation is very relevant. If either of you own the house, don't move without protecting your position. If you rent, check the notice you need to give under the tenancy agreement.
If this behaviour is out of character and the son's problems are such that it would be wrong of his father not to give him support, then there may be some room for discussion but it doesn't sound as if this is unusual.

It comes down to one thing, always. That is, you can’t change what others do, think, feel. You can only change how YOU decide to react to it.
The ball is in your court. Having said that, I know that we never love our partners children the way we love our own. We don’t make the same allowances. That’s just the way it is. There can be resentment and jealousy. But t
You have to do what YOU want. And accept the consequences. You can’t have it all.

Blended families can have an extra level of tension within them.

Inconsiderate husband has helped bring up an inconsiderate son. Try sitting them down together and telling then exactly how you feel no holds barred but as calmly as you can. Then see if either or both of them have any adequate response as in how they are going to smarten up their acts. Don't make any ultimatums just see what they have to say and then make your mind up afterwards re action on your part.

Can I suggest couples counselling?
This is a very common issue in my practice, and the all the practical and emotional factors underlying this, need to be made conscious and talked about.
It is infuriating and frustrating for the partner of the biological parent, who is probably full of anxiety about losing their child, but just as frustrated.

My DS, Aspergers and chronic deptession, has tried non-stop to find a job, with no success. He spent 4 years in care 6=9 and then spent the next 7 years with MIL. When he left school, he moved in with us and his room, formerly our home office, became a tip. Every so often, we go through a bit of a declutter, but he'll never be tidy, try as I may. But he supports me with caring for my DH and Grandma, and he's the most loving, adorable son you could hope for (OK, so apart from the state of his room - it's his room, he does have problems with personal care issues, but given reminders and help, he accepts the advice). I don't want him to become one of those revolting live-at home 40-ish mummy's boys, but will miss him dreadfully when he does move out. Maybe your DH feels the same way about his son. If you can't live with your men, maybe you should be the one to move out. Sorry, but maybe your stepson has mental health or other problems, and needs just a bit of love, understanding and support,which it sounds like he's getting from his dad.

If the son doesn’t have mental health issues or depression then he needs to be told quite firmly that it’s time he stood on his own two feet. By all means support him but allowing this situation to continue isn’t doing him any favours and it certainly isn’t doing you any good. It’s all very well being advised to keep out of his room, open the windows etc but what about the appalling table manners? I, personally, would find that very difficult. Sorry to say this but maybe he’s been over indulged all his life and never been taught the basics. If his own mother has had enough then something in this young man needs to change and just ignoring it isn’t the answer. Your husband needs to value you more and listen to you. If not, then think about your marriage and how important it is to you.

If you move out you could make life very difficult for yourself as you would then be the one walking away from the marriage. You need a strategy to get the cuckoo to leave but I seriously doubt whether it will happen when his own father is enabling him to live like a dependent child.

Exactly it Loreli. The men in this situation really are taking the piss and Rowan sounds like a downtrodden woman. This is no way to live, shake up the household and get the men to respect you and their home. Why should Rowan live in a smelly house with a man with BO. This is her home and it is thoroughly unpleasant for her. Suggestions that she should clean the 26 year olds room and wash his clothes would be her treating him as a child too. He needs to grow up, show respect and get independent. He must be a horrible work colleague, stinky. Ugh,

Could I point out my two adult offspring at home saving for deposits to buy their own homes are not “ revolting 40ish”
I believe that could be a whole other can of worms.
The problem OP has is blended families and lack of respect for her.

I don’t think this son has mental health problems. Remember his Mum threw him out. Also he knows he has got his father’s support as his response when op spoke to him was to shrug his shoulders and laugh.

Your husband seems to have some guilt about this son by saying everything is ok as long as he is happy. Does he have guilt about leaving his first marriage and making the son unhappy or did he miss the son and wants him to live with you at all costs.

I don’t really understand where What happens in March comes into this, was their agreement he would leave in March?

If you are going to spent money on accommodation for yourself, better to help the son with accommodation costs near by where his father can visit him

These women and men who say they would stand by their sons whatever need a kick in the backside. Men who behave as badly as this one need to find a flat

I met one if these overindulgent mothers at a busstop once. She said she wanted her 40yr old son to move out and meet someone? Really?
How is that going to happen when she was on an errand for her son while he was lounging around at her house.
I think OP is in America because she used mom rather than mum. So she's probably not seen these replies yet.