Am I being unreasonable

What treatment cannot he obtain in Bucks that is, it appears, available where his family live.?
Moving for ones work I would have no qualms however
I question is his illness at the stage where he feels the need for family as well as yourself.
It will be an upheaval should you decide to go with his wishes and I hope for you both you get support from your partners family in doing this.
You will make new friends, find new places of interest.
Cross that bridge when you come to it.

Whether you are being unreasonable or not depends on information we don't yet have.

I can fully understand that your DH, having been given a cancer diagnosis, was very frightened and wanted to spend time with his family and have treatment at a place he feels more secure. And 4 months isn't a long time. So if the deal was, he makes a full recovery, then you move back to Bucks, in my opinion you are being unreasonable and should see it through with him.

If he wants to stay there after he has had treatment and makes a full recovery then that is a different scenario. He may well feel that way as a scare like that sometimes makes a person focus more on how precious time is with family. You have left your family and friends reluctantly because you had to consider his wishes as he is the one with the cancer. However, if you can see no return to the life you loved then of course, your health could suffer also and I have more understanding.

I think you need (if you haven’t already) to establish if this is forever. Then, decide if you want to bite the bullet and get out there and make friends, a new life, and maybe a move outside of the city when he doesn’t need to be so close to the hospital. You could travel down to see family on a regular basis. So stay there with him. Or, tell him that you didn’t see the arrangement as a permanent one and just wanted to support him during his difficult time but you want to return when he has recovered. Then I guess you have to decide what is more important to you.

If his prognosis is not good, then you must stay and support him through what will be very difficult times. You may find then that his family will be invaluable support to you.

Maggies, as suggested by petalmoore is an excellent cancer support facility and I would fully recommend it. It’s for sufferers and their families and it’s a truly wonderful place. I have experience of one in a different part of the country and can report that they are calm, serene and very spiritual places but they also hold classes for gentle exercise, cake making, music and much, much more. They have counsellors available if you are struggling with any aspect of how cancer is affecting your life. I would pop in there soonest and see if you can get some advice, support and you could even help them out if you want an activity. They usually have wonderful cake!!!! A good enough reason to visit anyway!

You say you have been totally taken over by his family - this means you've lost your identity, and frankly if your partner has reached a point in his life where he wants to be closer to his daughters knowing how this will affect you, you need to make some decisions. What will happen if his health deteriorates, will they be caring for him, will you eventually be pushed out and left on your own? Think about these possibilities.

Four months is too short a time. Grab your life, get into things on your own that you enjoy and own them for you. Yes it is horrid that all you knew has evaporated, as someone who had to experience living all over UK and abroad after three months things start to slide into place. As a yard stick it was at least six months before I unpacked the sewing machine. It will change the feeling of being 'out crowd' previous advice is right. There are magnificent things to enjoy where you are if you would give them a try.

I think it’s unfair to say you are being selfish because he’s going through worse stuff. It’s hard being a carer and to give the best care you need to be mentally healthy. Look after yourself by moving from that isolation and joining with the community in some way. ?

Northerners are very friendly people and Newcastle has a lot going on. The hospitals are excellent especially the Freeman.
I understand it is not your choice of abode but there is something for everyone and as others have said there are meet ups in the area.
I live in the next city.

Poor flamenco, you sound so miserable and with so much to cope with.
It took me 12 months to settle when I moved from the north to Cornwall - and it was my choice to go!
Eventually, I settled and you will too but don't expect it to happen overnight. Give yourself time.

Suggestions about joining things and going to Maggie's Centre are all good, please try them and don't let yourself get so down that you no longer have the motivation to do it.
Your DH is probably suffering a bit of guilt that he's made you so unhappy and right now he doesn't need that, does he?
Chin up and keep smiling lass.

Unless Flamenco comes back to clarify this I think our advice is fairly useless as we don’t know if it’s a temporary move or a permanent one
He decided we should move there did you have no discussions about this before going, weren’t you given any choices ? Have you sold up homes? You ve only been their four months and hate it. four month is too short a period especially with the worry of his illness to know what you think of it but if your heart is not in it then you won’t allow yourself to get used to it will you

I think you need to update us Flamenco

How much do you love this man who is quite ill? Do you want the best for him?
I appreciate his need to feel he is " at home" at a tough time in his life. If you think that, if his prognosis is positive, he will move back to your shared home then yes YABU. If his prognosis is poor and you may be ' free' to move back south if he dies then YASBU!
If howerver you feel that he will recover and be in good health but that he will still want to stay in NE then there needs to be more discussion..because if the deal was for a temp move that becomes permanent then YANBU! Give it time, support him, find outlets for yourself & maybe spend a few days a month back south. He seems to have support so you could get away.

As above I live notfar from Newcastle and understand your dilemma but you and husband are under a lot of strain as above get in touch with maggies and you will hopefully see we are a friendly lot but with most things we need to know your there and struggling.

Maybe this all depends on the depth of your love for him ? Could you move back and live without him ? Or are your feelings deep enough to give this more time ? Be open and honest with him and hopefully you can find a solution.

Sorry to hear about your husband and hope he gets the treatment and care he deserves.

I totally understand where you are coming from. We moved to Ireland 12 years ago and we went from living in a town to living in the countryside, nearest shopping centre was a round trip of 50 miles. 2 miles just to get a paper or a pint of milk etc. I had a great job here in the UK and couldn’t get work over in Ireland - I felt useless and very isolated and began to hate living there as I was just barely existing. I eventually did some volunteering and that opened up a lot of things for me. It got me out, got me meeting people and gave me a purpose. I still missed family and friends in the UK and we decided to come home after 9 years. Its tough, but try and make the best of what you have. Good luck x

Over the past couple of years you've posted about your partner and his intention to move back to the North East, and your reluctance to do so, but you went ahead and did it.

I'm sorry he's now ill and you must feel trapped but I think depending on his prognosis you're going to have to just get on with life and make the best of your time there.

I can understand being overwhelmed by his family if you have no friends or acquaintances that's why you must make some sort of effort to enjoy your time with your partner and his family. You've been given lots of advice on things to do and see in the area.

I assume you love and want to be with him, otherwise you wouldn't have moved

flamenco I hope your husband is getting the treatment he needs - Newcastle is a centre of excellence for these types of illness so from that point of view it was probably a good decision.
I know of someone who lived with his daughter when he was ill and needed prolonged treatment and his wife stayed in the family home.
Do you not get on with his daughters - you mention having no family - are they not family? It's understandable, too, that he wants to be near them during this difficult time.

I do hope you can find activities to join in whilst you are there to support him - and perhaps you can go home again from time to time to make sure your house is still fine and to catch up with friends and family in Bucks.

I hope his treatment goes well.

I am totally taken over by his family!
Sometimes a blessing, sometimes not! However, they are presumably just trying to be supportive and perhaps you are more of a solitary person and need some time and space to yourself. Perhaps you could, as someone suggested, get out to the coast occasionally?

Four months is a very short time and I get the feeling you went there knowing you would not like it.

When I had just had my first baby and I had made friends and a life here, my husband announced we were moving to Holland. I resisted for 4 months but then decided it was the best thing to do. I was quite unhappy for the first year but after 18 years there I was equally sorry to move back to the UK.

You have a choice. You can make up your mind to have a life there - maybe a compromise move away from the city nearer the country - it is beautiful up there or go back on your own.

It is harder I know as you get older to change but either you want a life with him or you want your old life back. I like a challenge and think you could make a go of it up there if you let yourself and not pine for the past.

I have moved a lot in my life and a friend who has lived in the same place all her life said to me that my life would seem longer as I have lots of milestones!

Yes, you are being unreasonable after all you've only lived there for about 12 weeks. It took me 2 years to settle here, you should go out to meet people, they won't come to you I'm afraid.

I’m sorry Newcastle must be hell for a country girl. I would not want to live there - the traffic would drive me mad but you can survive by finding the positives - there is plenty of public transport - metro and busses at frequent intervals, within and out of town,, and lots of good eating places all over the place, assuming your husband is well enough to go out, or you are able to go off and leave him for a few hours. There are parks, Jesmond Dene, and the coast. Apart from Teignmouth, there is Whitley Bay or you could go to South Shields and southwards for miles of deserted beaches. Are there any members of your husband’s family that you can make friends with? Perhaps among their in laws there is a woman you could meet up with for coffee who could help you to get to know the area? It sounds as if you have not burned your boats, so why not, for your partner’s sake, give yourself a deadline of say, 1 yr, after which you can review your situation and if you are still deeply unhappy, go back. Just for one year you can help to make this a good time for your partner, and perhaps in the process you will find it is bearable.
However, don’t underestimate the stresses you are under, and if you cannot cope, go to see a doctor if you feel you need help. ?

Sorry I meant to change ‘husband’ to partner.

You need to join clubs/classes to meet new friends with similar interests to yourselves. How much looking after by you does he need? If he doesn't need you 24/7 you can go and visit your friends/family for a few days here and there, leaving him in the capable hands of his locally living family. You have given up a lot for him, he must appreciate that. You will be of no help to him if you become unwell. Talk to him, explain all this, if he cares for you as much as you obviously do for him he should understand. I wouldn't think he would want you to be unhappy or unwell. I hope the situation improves for you

Whats his prognosis now?if he's getting better then it's got to be worth all the hassle in my opinion. Excellent advice has been offered here which I think you should think about.four months isn't long. Good luck.

Having, in the past moved to a place I ended up hating (within days of arriving) I can understand your feelings, I managed to persuade my dh to move again to the Midlands (near ds and family). I still knew no one but decided this was it, we were going to stay there so I better get out there and make some friends. I joined the W.I. and later a small slimming group, have got to know lots of people and made some form friendships. It takes time, it didn’t happen overnight, but YOU have to make the effort and make a conscious decision to make it home. Good luck

I see this a temporary move and your partner needs outweigh your comfort zone. See a therapist, go to museums, parks and get acquainted to your new digs. Sorry, but you are being rather selfish and you need to drop the poor me!

Ha ! so sorry to hear you are finding the transition difficult ...I have just bought a retirement flat IN NEWCASTLE ...I love it there ! Have lived all over the UK Spain and France ...I come from East Anglia originally but have nothing but praise for the Geordies ...although my Suffolk friends think I am mad THEY HAVE NEVER BEEN to Newcastle ..so much going on the coast and countryside are beautiful ...even just wandering into the city and having a coffee is great because people talk to you ......I have always found people there helpful and friendly. There are so many things you can join ...and the hospitals (RVI and Freeman) are excellent, as are transport links .......Someone I was talking to was quite derogatory when I told them where I have bought my flat (not moved in yet !) ....they said Oh No you're not going to be a Geordie are you ? I said Y ES albeit an Honorary One and I shall be very happy if they accept me ! (mind you, I have to say that sometimes I do need an interpreter !)

No, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.
You have ‘needs’ too and you are also going through a very distressing time in your life.
I am so sorry that you feel so unhappy and do not have your ‘old’ friends and family close by. He is now well supported, which is great, but not so easy for you.
If you are to stay near Newcastle and haven’t made friends in the immediate area yet, could you at least plan to move nearer the countryside, on the edge of Newcastle? It may give you something to plan and look forward to. But as others have said, joining groups and doing voluntary work will help.
I hope you soon begin to feel more settled and make new friends. So sorry that your circumstances are currently so difficult.
Sending you hugs and ? xx