Gransnet forums


Am I being unreasonable

(59 Posts)
flamenco Fri 18-Jan-19 08:13:44

My partner of ten years was diagnosed with lymphoma in July, his family live in the far north east. He decided we should move from Bucks to Newcastle to get better treatment and be near his daughters. We would rent. Reluctantly I agreed. We have been here 4months, I really dislike it here, I have no friends no family and I have never lived in a city being a country person. I have never been so unhappy, which is affecting my health, Am I being totally unreasonable about all this.. I am totally taken over by his family!

chelseababy Fri 18-Jan-19 08:25:16

Is your house in Bucks still there? Could you move back? What is his prognosis?

Ohmother Fri 18-Jan-19 08:30:15

Not at all! We moved to another part of the country for my husbands job years ago. We are still here but it was a nightmare for me and the kids. We were so unhappy and low. We made a point of joining local things until we found our feet.

I feel for you as you need support too as a carer. Is there anything local that you could possibly attend? Is there a local library or Facebook group where you could look for this info? 💐

Humbertbear Fri 18-Jan-19 08:44:03

You are under an enormous strain. You are coping with two of the worst things that can happen to a person at the same time. Looking after a partner who is unwell and re-locating. However, I have friends in Newcastle and I know there is a lot going on there. If you need space why not take the Metro out to the coast? Have you registered with a GP? Ask them about groups which are available to support you. You don’t say what you used to do in Bucks but you could, for example, join U3A which would be a sure fire way to meet new people. I suspect the key to your quandary is in your statement that you feel ‘taken over’ by his family. You definitely need to carve out some time for yourself and begin to make new friends. Maybe someone from Newcastle who reads your post will come to the rescue. I hope so.

sodapop Fri 18-Jan-19 08:47:40

Have you posted about this before flamenco, and things are not any better ?
Four months is not long in the grand scheme of things, has the move been beneficial for your partner ? Maybe you should talk to him about how you feel and agree to review the situation in say six months. It is hard to adjust to living in a different area without the stress of your partner's illness. In the meantime try to see things in a more positive way, there must be things you can get involved with to meet people and have an interest in your life.

paddyann Fri 18-Jan-19 08:54:38

Its only been a few months ,cant you put your feelings aside for the sake of his health and wellbeing? I'm sure his family aren't deliberately crowding you just being caring about their dad .

Anniebach Fri 18-Jan-19 09:09:46

I am sorry you don’t like where you are living but your partner is facing worse, give it time x

Stansgran Fri 18-Jan-19 09:19:46

I came to the north east from Liverpool and found people very standoffish after the bonhomie of Liverpudlians. And I do remember the relief of bumping into someone I recognised after a year. I had young children and had just been offered a job in Liverpool when DH had been offered one up here. I had no support for childcare as DH was 1 in 3 on call and my mother was dying of breast cancer so year one was a barren waste in terms of making friends and settling in. I think people in the north east can be insular even today- people don't speak to you if you support the wrong team. You have to treat it as a joke. Find an outlet for a hobby, join a gym. If there is a support group for your partners illness perhaps go to those meetings. Sometimes you make friends when united in adversity. There is some beautiful countryside here and joining a walking group might help but you may well find yourself up to your ears in hospital appointments. Tell us a little more about yourself and some northerners might give you ideas.

Buffybee Fri 18-Jan-19 09:34:30

I would find things to join flamenco, maybe join Meetup to meet like minded people.
If you are a country girl, the countryside around Newcastle is beautiful and has lovely beaches, like Longsands beach, Tynemouth.
We go to Newcastle quite often to visit Gc at Uni there and usually drive out to the beach with them.
Is it perhaps that you are renting in a built up area and your not used to that? Could you move to the edges of Newcastle nearer to countryside?
I do feel sorry for you though, I don't know that I would cope so well being taken away from my family and friends.
Hopefully, you can move back when your Dp recovers. flowers

headsy12 Fri 18-Jan-19 09:40:52

There are two meet up groups one in Gosforth and the other Heighley Gate Morpeth. Join one or both of them and make friends that way, at the least it will be a break from 'family'.

25Avalon Fri 18-Jan-19 10:01:51

Is there no Carers group that you could join? They arrange all sorts of activities both for you to have some me time and to go to with the person you care for. Meeting other people in similar circumstances stops you feeling so isolated. There is also always someone at the Carers that you can talk to if you need to. You can also get advice on pensions, taxes, or anything that is bothering you.
Joining a walking group also helpful for your physical and mental health. It would give you the opportunity to get back to the countryside you love. Most walkers are pretty friendly people wherever you are.
Also do you have to live in town? surely there are plenty of country villages just outside where you could live? As a carer you need to look after your well being as well or you wont be able to give the support your partner needs.
I am a little concerned that "he decided". Surely you agreed together?

NanaPlenty Fri 18-Jan-19 10:09:34

Goodness it's a difficult time - you do need to look after yourself too or you will be no help to anyone. You are bound to feel out of your comfort zone - maybe try and join a few groups, anything that helps you feel a bit more at home, it's been a huge move and with so much going on, give yourself time.

Aepgirl Fri 18-Jan-19 10:16:22

You do seem to be in a pickle. I presume your husband is getting the treatment he needs, so you need to take care of yourself.. is his family helping in any way. If you moved to be near them, then surely they should bear some of the responsibility.

Izabella Fri 18-Jan-19 10:27:10

Sorry to hear you are struggling. I have relocated many times in my life, worked abroad etc. I think it takes a particular mindset to get into resettling and at the moment you seem to have both illness and family 'suffocation' to deal with.

Personally I would find some distance and space for yourself. Find a way of getting out of the house for several hours at a time. Does your local library need volunteers for example. Even if they don't it is a marvellous resource for information on courses, clubs and activities. If you have a bus pass use it and get to the coast or places of interest - or even just a long ride to get away.

My last move was just 12 months ago now to an area where I knew 1 person. I now have a small network of people I am getting to know well, have joined a gym and two local clubs. I am off backpacking again next month abroad, but that may not be your scene.

I apologise if I make it all sound easy, but I have always been a free spirit and very independent. You do not have to be either of these, but I think you can make changes. It is actually making the first move that people find hard. Good luck!!

Hm999 Fri 18-Jan-19 10:31:40

U3a is good for getting out and meeting people. Good luck

petalmoore Fri 18-Jan-19 10:36:00

Are you both in touch with the Maggie’s Centre in Newcastle?
Maggie’s offers support not just to people with cancer but to the whole family. Maggie’s Centres are ‘places to find practical advice about benefits and eating well; places where qualified experts provide emotional support; places to meet other people; places where you can simply sit quietly with a cup of tea’ - words from their website, but I know from my own experience thataggie’s reaches parts of the experienc

lizzypopbottle Fri 18-Jan-19 10:39:49

Hi flamenco If you have transport and can leave your partner for two or three hours, come and join us for our next meet up at what was once Heighley Gate garden centre but is now Dobbies. (Morpeth NE61 3DA) Keep an eye on the meet ups forum. You can set it to alert you when there's an announcement.

People from the North East have a kind of homing instinct, I've found. My late husband certainly did. They will return here eventually if they possibly can! I'm originally from Liverpool but moved around so much as a child that I don't really belong anywhere! No family left over there. However, in praise of Northumberland, even though my husband is long gone, this is my home. I smile and raise a silent cheer every time I cross the border from Cumbria. So, as Anniebach advises, give it time.

Since you're renting, and if your partner's condition doesn't prevent it, could you move a little further out from the city to find a green and pleasant compromise?

petalmoore Fri 18-Jan-19 10:41:59

Oops - shouldn’t try to reply on the phone in the car. I was trying to say partners and carers of someone who has cancer are sometimes ignored when the focus is on the one undergoing treatment, and that the people at Maggie’s Centres recognise that. Wishing you well for everything.

Nonnie Fri 18-Jan-19 10:49:49

I had no choice but to move several times with DH's job. I decided that as it was going to happen I would make the best of it. As the removal van left I decided to never look back and just get on with it. It was a good way to find out who my true friends were, some kept in touch some didn't and it is a lot easier now. I always accepted every invitation even if it was to something not to my taste.

After our last move I invited my all new neighbours round for drinks between 2-4 pm, some stayed much later and I now have some good relationships.

I've lived in Bucks but not the far north but everything I have heard leads me to think they are friendly so reach out to them.

This all sounds tough but if you have no choice it is best to find ways to make it work for yourself.

EllanVannin Fri 18-Jan-19 10:57:43

I would have stayed put in my home knowing that family are already near to hand where the hospital is.
If finances aren't a problem, a flight each weekend would be less of an inconvenience than moving to somewhere during the duration of his treatment.
I understand that your wish to be near him is also vital but you have to ask yourself what your own priority is, that of following your partners wishes or your ( apparent ) dismay at leaving the home/area you're more familiar with.
Either way it's a tough decision and one which won't help at a time when you have to remain strong for your partner as well as holding on to your own sanity and general health which is so important.

moobox Fri 18-Jan-19 11:09:19

Do you like the idea of writing? There is a lovely introductory course of creative writing with a great writer-tutor and a friendly group, mainly women in their 60s, and we need more participants for the WEA to allow it to continue. If you fancy it, come next Wednesday morning - upstairs at the Brunswick centre, next to Fenwicks. PM me if interested.

moobox Fri 18-Jan-19 11:11:13

sorry, the link:

LuckyFour Fri 18-Jan-19 11:19:56

Try volunteering with the National Trust one day a week or once a fortnight. There are also a number of events and exhibitions coming up soon in Newcastle that you can volunteer for. Both the above are good ways to meet new and like-minded friends. I think the Transplant Games are coming to Newcastle soon and they'll be looking for volunteers in all sorts of areas. Could be a lot of fun.

grandtanteJE65 Fri 18-Jan-19 11:27:02

Frankly, IMO you are being slightly unreasonable. Your husband is critically ill and wants to be near his children and in a part of the country that supplies better treatment than what he would be able to get in the south.

I realise that you are worried about him, your future and that you didn't want to move, but you made the decision to do so, so please do try to meet some people and try to get on with his daughters too.

As far as I know Newcastle is a lively town with lots to do and see - hardly the back of beyond, so if your partner is well enough get out of the house together or alone and explore this nice new town.

Pat1949 Fri 18-Jan-19 13:22:17

Try joining some groups or doing voluntary work. It's amazing how much belonging to something helps. I only moved a few miles from an area where my children had grown up and I was like a fish out of water. It took me ages to settle down.