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Unable to see my newborn Grandson

(40 Posts)
Hmperez Sat 19-Jan-19 18:01:45

My first grandchild was born on the 8th...I don't even know his name. The Mother of my grandchild has blocked all family members from my son's side, including him, out of the babies life. We are good people, no one's on drugs or are alcoholics. We have no idea what we did and she won't speak to any of us. It's extremely painful and I feel like I'm mourning right now. Should I just respect her choice and walk away or fight to see our grandson? All advice welcome.

PECS Sat 19-Jan-19 18:12:57

A very unhappy situation. I guess that your son and the mother were not in a proper relationship when the pregnancy occurred?
Your son, if he is inclined, could seek access to his son. He will legally be expected to make financial provision so it is reasonable for him to want to be a part of the boy's life. However if he starts that route he needs to be sure he will maintain it. Does your son live with you or is he independent?
It will be hard to know that this child is there and you cannot be a part of his life. Sadly there are no legal rights for grandparents atm. [flower]

Chucky Sat 19-Jan-19 18:18:17

Don’t give up, he is your flesh and blood. There has obviously been a major fall out between her and your ds for her to feel like this. Can I ask what happened between them? Your ds has the right to see his son so he needs to speak to a lawyer who is an expert in Family Law.
Meanwhile I would send gc a gift and add a note to gf saying that you are there for her and your gs if they need you.

EllanVannin Sat 19-Jan-19 19:35:32

I couldn't think of anything worse happening.

Maybe when things have settled down as it's an emotional time all round, but I wouldn't force the issue. Take a step back for the time being until the mother of the baby gets accustomed to this new little person.

Izabella Sat 19-Jan-19 19:57:49

Make sure your sons gets a DNA report if he is asked to contribute to the child.

glammanana Sat 19-Jan-19 20:28:58

There has obviously been a major fall out between the parents for such a sad thing to happen.
I would never force the issue by way of solicitors etc that is for your son to deal with.
Give the mum time to get over the birth of her baby and things may change for the better.
In the meantime try and keep your own council and not cause any waves,are you in contact at all with the mums parents in any way ?

crazyH Sat 19-Jan-19 21:17:45

Very sad .....but please don't go down the legal path......unless your son is on legal aid.
Try to sort it out amicably. My heart aches for you, your son and all your family.
These things have a way of sorting itself out, but going in with all guns blazing will not help. Be patient xx

M0nica Sun 20-Jan-19 09:00:49

The answer lies in your son's hands. Does he know why this cut off is in place?

It is up to him to first try and reach an amicable arrangement to see his son and if that cannot be done, seek legal advice. As the father he has legal rights, although you do not.

Is he sure the child is his? A DNA test may show that the child is not your grandson.

Stop trying to blame yourself. The worthiness of unworthiness of the family in cases like this is entirely irrelevant. It is all to do with your son and the mother of the child he thinks he has sired.

Cazzab56 Sun 20-Jan-19 09:24:41

Sadly there is no legal aid for these cases. My husband and I have spent over £15k for court fees, so far. And this baby was assaulted many times by his mother! He lives with my son but it’s been 20 months of legal battle for my DS to get full residency. Final case 25th Jan. social services appalling despite my DGS been in hospital twice due to injuries

angieloumc Sun 20-Jan-19 09:30:59

I am in a similar situation. My DGD was born in September and I have only seen her twice and my DS has only seen her three times. He is on the BC and pays maintenance; h
She wasn’t happy with the amount he offered and went through CMS which turned out to be a lower amount though he pays the original amount still.
He can not afford to take her to court, she has refused mediation which he paid for and she didn’t turn up. It’s very sad as although they were in a very short lived relationship he wants to be there his DD. It breaks my heart as I see my other sons DS all the time and can’t see my DGD.

justrolljanet Sun 20-Jan-19 09:32:39

If you look up Bristol Grandparents support Group on Face book or even google it they can put you in touch with other groups who can advise, help and give support as the members are all in the same situation, I heard an interview on the radio the other day re moves to classify this situation as abuse towards the child x

justrolljanet Sun 20-Jan-19 09:34:20

anti Sun 20-Jan-19 09:54:51

Dear HMperez... how sad for you. it would tear me apart, but keep fighting, he is your grandson, your flesh and blood.

newnanny Sun 20-Jan-19 10:09:43

I would send a card and beautiful gift for baby and flowers for mother. Add a note to say you ho

newnanny Sun 20-Jan-19 10:13:35

Posted too soon. Add note to say you hope both Mother and baby are doing well and you would love to see your dgc. Fingers crossed. Your son must know what happened. I would be asking him why. Even if you don't get to see baby always send birthday card.

DotMH1901 Sun 20-Jan-19 10:32:11

Sadly Grandparents have very little rights when it comes to seeing grandchildren - but your son does and, if he wanted to, could go down the legal route to get access to his child. Perhaps it is something you could discuss with him? If he doesn't then all I can suggest is making a memory box for your grandchild and putting cards and little gifts etc into it, as they grow they may well want to find out about their paternal side of the family and would treasure photos and bits and pieces that show you were thinking of them over the years.

LiveLaughLaove Sun 20-Jan-19 10:39:45

"Should I just respect her choice and walk away or fight to see our grandson? All advice welcome."

You need to step back and respect her choice. This is NOT your fight. Plus how exactly do you plan to "fight," for a child that you've never even seen or spent any time with? This would be a loosing battle even if legally pursued which I wouldn't advice you to do. Your only feasible options would be to respect her choice, come to amicable grounds with her, or let your SON pursue this - and if he succeeds then you can see you GC on his visitation time.

She also just gave birth. Badgering her right now will only breed resentment. Do you know why your son a her broke up?

Don't take sides in this matter. If they do get back together after you took his side against her, you will end up being the "bad person," and will remain shut out by the both of them. I've seen this happen too many times, so stay neutral. As hard as it may be try and do it if you want to have a chance to visit with your GC.

"We have no idea what we did and she won't speak to any of us. " - your son knows exactly what happened. Again don't enter into a battlefield without knowing the reason for battle. Goodluck!

grandtanteJE65 Sun 20-Jan-19 10:50:39

I think the only thing you can do is support your son right now. He needs to sort out the situation, because he will be required to support the child, unless of course he can prove that it is not his, but presumably you know it is his child.

We might all be better able to help if you told us a little more of the background.

You say the child's mother won't talk to any of you, and you do not know why she will have nothing to do with you. Ask your son, if he has even the faintest inkling of the reason. I'm afraid someone on your side of the family must have done or said something that the child's mother took offence at - she may have totally misunderstood something that was said or done.

I can't say I think it will help, but you could write a letter, apologising for anything you could possibly have done to hurt her. Make it clear that you are not aware of what it could be. Appeal to her love for the child - children should know both their father and their father's family.

If you send the letter by registered post, you will at least know that she received it.

ayokunmi1 Sun 20-Jan-19 11:00:30

The answer is with your son
Dont let the child be used as a bargaining tool.
Very difficult to ask for a DNA if it turns out that its your sons child .the damage will really be difficult to sort out .as awful as it sounds you need to step out for now .You could send flowers and a card if you wish

Esmerelda Sun 20-Jan-19 11:53:26

You don't give enough details about why your son's ex has banned all of his family members, including you. Would need to know more before giving advice, although it's really your son you should be asking this question of.

breeze Sun 20-Jan-19 12:36:27

Without knowing more it's difficult to give advice. Your son must know why she is so hostile. From my experience it's unlikely someone would say 'Get out of my life the lot of you and I'm not telling you why'.

Maybe he is not the father? Are/were they married? Maybe she has met someone else? Maybe something has happened you know nothing about? Is she asking for financial child support?

Going without that information, it's unlikely you'll get anywhere legally as GP's and as others have said it's your son who needs to find out where he stands. If he gets access, then you'll see the baby. Especially if he is living with you.

Is your son on the baby's birth certificate? If he is, then he can apply for parental responsibility. If his name isn't on the birth certificate then there is little you can do. Your only option really is to write her a nice letter congratulating her and tell her how much you would love to see him and stay in touch. Maybe send a gift for him.

It would be nice if you came back to us with more information. In the meantime you can read this link:

Coyoacan Sun 20-Jan-19 14:33:01

newnanny gives the best advice.

My ex was violent but his parents won me over with kindness.

Redgran18 Sun 20-Jan-19 14:41:04

If your son is on the birth certificate, he already has parental responsibility and can apply to a court for a contact order which would set out when he can see his son. If he’s not, he doesn’t automatically have PR but can again apply to court, to be given PR and contact.

icanhandthemback Sun 20-Jan-19 18:25:33

Talk to your son and get him to have a chat with a solicitor to find out what his and child's rights are. If he is the father, he will be able to seek the right to see his child. It does not have to be an expensive process and a letter from a solicitor may well be all the mother needs to make her see sense. It may be a little bit more awkward if your son is not on the birth certificate but a court can order a DNA test if your son applies for it.
Your son won't get legal aid but neither will she so unless she is super rich, she won't be able to put up much of fight. Parents can represent themselves and the courts are usually very helpful in those cases.

Coyoacan Sun 20-Jan-19 19:18:48

But what is in the best interests of your grandchild? People advocating going down the legal route with forced DNA studies aren't thinking about the child caught in the middle.