Husband and my lurgy

DH has been very attentive since my back problem..to the point of irritation. I am such an ungrateful moo! He is very caring and is rarely unwell himself ..which is good as I am a rubbish nurse!

I've had ME for 5 years and my husband has been fantastic - he does most of the cooking and shopping, and housework, as well as working! So it's NOT acceptable to just shrug and say "that's men". What I would ask myself in your position is what is the "unspoken contract" in your marriage - we all have them. In some it's "you look after me" or "you're the one who earns the money" or "you're the one who does the housework" etc. We usually inherit them from our parents and, unless challenged and changed, they stay unseen until one of the conditions is broken. So, if you're the one who "is contracted" to look after him, then he will not look after you. As others have said, time to address this issue and resolve things. It's not acceptable behaviour.

That virus is nasty! My SIL and 2 Grandsons caught it and my D cared for them in the first 4 days then left them to it. My SIL is very hands on, and as he got better he took over the care. Youngest GS, 12 years, 5'8", 6st 6lb, then developed pneumonia and didn't eat for 10 days, losing 10lb he couldn't afford to lose. Bot my D and SiL shared the care, and I spent 2 days sitting with him when SiL returned to work.
Some men just can't cope with illness but I agree with everyone else, do what you need to keep yourself hydrated and fed, ignore everyone and everything else until you are better, then have a few strong words with H and maybe draw up some guidelines for the future.
Get well soon.

I think your DH is being rather selfish, and needs a talking to. Have you any children who could point out to him his unreasonable behaviour, and back you up?
Concentrate on getting well, and do not be pressured into doing more than you can cope with. Take care.
I would add that is some men, not all, who are like this. I also think some women can be a bit like this, too, but of course, not all.
My DH is very good if I’m feeling under the weather, and looks after me well. I hope I am the same when he is unwell, too, ?

I'm afraid I'm on the other side of this as my OH loves to be ill. He took to his bed with a virus for a week, then managed to get a 2 week sick note on top. He spends his days watching tv and eating in bed in a darkened room while I work full time and do everything. He is annoyed with the lack of sympathy, but short of calling for a priest, wearing black and crying at his bedside, sympathy would never be enough. I'm no nurse...feeding him constantly for weeks on end, while he cheerfully enjoys his 'poorly' is driving me mad I hope you feel better soon Framilode.

I have a chronic condition and my husband has been kindness itself for the last couple of years. He had flu a few years ago and spent a week in bed. He doesn't remember that week but I looked after him properly, waking him up to drink water, take paracetamol etc.

Fortunately I had had the flu jab so didn't catch it from him.

My OH is like everyone else's it seems, warts and all. When I'm well, I seem to be on the go all the time whilst he likes to sit and twiddle with various electrical toys of his. But he's a star when I'm ill.

to those whose OHs wouldn't know a sick bucket from a watering can....

It seems as if he thinks he has done his bit and now it is time you were over it! You really need to talk to him when you feel up to it. What would happen if you had a chronic condition? What do you do when he is under the weather? Being in a relationship is not a one way street.

I don't want to sound ungrateful but my DH is just the opposite. If I'm in bed ill (very rarely, luckily) he's forever popping in and asking if I want a drink/painkillers/something to eat, or even just arriving with something when really all I want to do is sleep.

So sorry to hear you’re not at all well Framilode. My husband is very attentive and caring - for the first two days!! After that I am prodded to my feet like a sick horse. When I get up, still not well and creeping about, I am told to “go and sit down, I don’t want you to do anything”. But after about an hour that turns into “You’ll feel a lot better if you have a shower and get dressed”. When I’ve knocked myself out just doing that I am considered to be completely recovered.

Gosh! I think maybe you're lucky he didn't stamp his foot and petulantly whinge "It's not fair - What about me!"

When you're up to it serve him a Full English Breakfast - uncooked!

Dear Framilode. You really should discuss the problem with your OH when you are feeling better otherwise resentment will build up.
In the meanwhile concentrate on getting better and hope that it won't be long before you are up and about again feeling well and able to deal with the situation.

My first reaction is to quote a phrase I learned recently on another GN thread - LTB! But then I considered that perhaps Sodapop is totally spot-on here. If so, surely what is needed is some real heart-to-heart communication? Can you tell him, patiently and calmly, exactly how you feel, and ask for more support? (My lovely DH is brilliant at many things, and is always caring/supportive, but I know he gets fraught if I'm under the weather.)

Trade him in , it's never too late.

Selfish swine.
There is no excuse.
Passive aggressive behaviour is bullying; one of the worst kinds, I think, because it makes the victim so uncomfortable, and not sure, and gradually conditions them to accept it as normal.

Framilode, is he always like this when you are unwell? Perhaps he is afraid of catching your virus?

I would read him the Riot Act. It's totally unacceptable to be abused - and yes, this is emotional abuse bordering on coercive control.
Tell him straight that his behaviour is giving you serious concerns and that you are considering your options going forward.
Stand up for yourself OP.
And get well soon.

Sometimes this behaviour occurs because the person is worried or scared and can't cope Framilode
When you are feeling better you need to talk about it and explain what you need. I hope you feel better soon.

While you're still in bed, try and figure out exactly what you want from him. We all know what you mean but a man has to have it spelt out for him. So - go for that sit-down and have-a-good-talk bur prepare your argument well and give him a list if necessary. Otherwise you'll just tall round in circles and end up cross with each other.

Remember the song "That don't impress me much" by Shania Twain? I have heard men say that they have no idea what she means. That explains a lot!

I spent a couple of days in bed last week with D&V.
DH and DS fed themselves, shopped and brought me water. Otherwise nothing was done. I was even left to clean up the en suite while DH used the main bathroom.
I picture him living in squalor should anything serious befall me.

I’m really sad to hear a grown up is treating you like this Framilode .

I’m not the best nurse in the world but there’s no way I would treat my husband like this , or he me!

I’m afraid Grampy would get short shrift he tried it on with me. Quite frankly the house can go to hell in a handbasket if I’m poorly !

I agree with the other posters who said just deal with yourself and let him sulk but I too would say you need to talk about this not let it fester.

Get well soon.

Framilode - hope you feel better soon. You’ve made me appreciate my husband more! He has his faults - as do we all - but he does care for me ;in his fashion) if I’m ill. You need to have a chat with him when you’re fully well. Look after yourself!
dragonfly - I get sciatica from time to time and I have to say lying in bed is tempting, but not a good idea. He needs to do the exercises - see the NHS website. He’s probably worried about / for you too - but not dealing with it well. Get him up and stretching!

wrong name, sorry Nanagem and to you to dragonfly46

nanegram

That is shocking nanagem hope it really scared your OH.

I am afraid I have been guilty of being resentful recently. Just after I was diagnosed with cancer my husband developed sciatica. I was reasonably sympathetic for the first two weeks but then patience wore thin when I had to attend hospital appointments alone. We are now in the fifth week and he is still hobbling around and sleeping a lot. I really need him to get better and soon!