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Husband and my lurgy

(82 Posts)
Framilode Mon 28-Jan-19 07:41:18

For the last few days I have had the awful virus that is going round. I have felt dreadfully unwell and have spent a lot of time in bed.

This was OK with him for the first couple of days but as time has gone on he has become dreadfully resentful and silent. Yesterday he didn't pop his head round the bedroom door to see if I wanted a drink until about 4 p.m.

The thing is I feel under pressure to get up and see to things around the house and cook for him etc. Does anyone else have this problem with their other halves? When I ask what is wrong he says 'nothing' but the atmosphere is so thick you could cut it with a knife.

Anja Mon 28-Jan-19 07:51:42

Thank depends on you. If you are feeling better then get up for a couple of hours and potter around. If you still feel bad enough that you must stay in bed then he’s being unreasonable.

But then men are like this aren’t they?

You need to have a long talk with him. There might be times when, as none of us are getting any younger, when he might be laid up for one reason or another. Then how would he feel if neglected like this?

janeainsworth Mon 28-Jan-19 07:54:12

Frankly, no. MrA has his faults as do we all, but being unkind and sulking if I am
laid low isn’t one of them.
You need to go into self-preservation mode. Get up, make yourself some tea and toast, go back to bed and ignore him.
Ignore the house and whatever you ‘need’ to do too.
If supplies run low order something online from a supermarket or ring a friend and ask them to bring you a few things.
I hope you feel better soon and don’t make yourself ill again by doing too much too soon, running round after your DH.

Nanagem Mon 28-Jan-19 08:08:15

My husband is just the same, I had got hit with the lurgy before Christmas and tried to carry on for a couple of days but then just couldn’t, I suffer with heart and breathing problems anyway, so was really feeling unwell. I have 2 adult children at home, though they work long hours, they did the basic loading dishwasher, and cooked basic meals, but OH did nothing just gave me the odd cup of tea and made snide comments. Day 3 he went out to tinker in the garage I decided I had better get up and try to put the house in order. Son came home to find me on the kitchen floor, OH came in to find me being taken out to the ambulance. I do think it scared him and he did take more care of me for a few days.

Point is, don’t feel pressured to do more than you feel you can, I broke one of my favourite plates when I hit the floor

Iam64 Mon 28-Jan-19 08:25:40

Sulking by adults is tedious and needs to be discouraged.
I don't want to sound shocked but I am, that it seems so many grown men are dependent on their wives to cook, clean and shop.
I can't add anything to the advice given by janeainsworth. Put yourself first, it isn't selfish its necessary

TwiceAsNice Mon 28-Jan-19 08:27:26

What happened to in sickness and health. How selfish

megan123 Mon 28-Jan-19 08:34:09

What is it with men that they have to behave like 7 year olds and sulk, so selfish! I don't expect a fuss if I'm ill but being really poorly the very least your could expect is a cup of tea and toast. Mind you I've despaired about mine for the last 8 years since retirement.

As others have said Framilode make yourself a cup of tea and go back to bed and as soon as you feel up to it sit him down and speak to him about it. Don't overdo things or this lurgy will just drag on.

I hope you are soon feeling better flowers

dragonfly46 Mon 28-Jan-19 08:37:06

That is shocking nanagem hope it really scared your OH.

I am afraid I have been guilty of being resentful recently. Just after I was diagnosed with cancer my husband developed sciatica. I was reasonably sympathetic for the first two weeks but then patience wore thin when I had to attend hospital appointments alone. We are now in the fifth week and he is still hobbling around and sleeping a lot. I really need him to get better and soon!

megan123 Mon 28-Jan-19 08:45:52

nanegram flowers

megan123 Mon 28-Jan-19 08:48:28

wrong name, sorry Nanagem and to you to dragonfly46 flowers

Lisagran Mon 28-Jan-19 08:51:31

Framilode - hope you feel better soon. You’ve made me appreciate my husband more! He has his faults - as do we all - but he does care for me ;in his fashion) if I’m ill. You need to have a chat with him when you’re fully well. Look after yourself!
dragonfly - I get sciatica from time to time and I have to say lying in bed is tempting, but not a good idea. He needs to do the exercises - see the NHS website. He’s probably worried about / for you too - but not dealing with it well. Get him up and stretching!

NanaandGrampy Mon 28-Jan-19 09:00:30

I’m really sad to hear a grown up is treating you like this Framilode .

I’m not the best nurse in the world but there’s no way I would treat my husband like this , or he me!

I’m afraid Grampy would get short shrift he tried it on with me. Quite frankly the house can go to hell in a handbasket if I’m poorly !

I agree with the other posters who said just deal with yourself and let him sulk but I too would say you need to talk about this not let it fester.

Get well soon.

Pittcity Mon 28-Jan-19 09:18:46

I spent a couple of days in bed last week with D&V.
DH and DS fed themselves, shopped and brought me water. Otherwise nothing was done. I was even left to clean up the en suite while DH used the main bathroom.
I picture him living in squalor should anything serious befall me.

JackyB Mon 28-Jan-19 09:19:03

While you're still in bed, try and figure out exactly what you want from him. We all know what you mean but a man has to have it spelt out for him. So - go for that sit-down and have-a-good-talk bur prepare your argument well and give him a list if necessary. Otherwise you'll just tall round in circles and end up cross with each other.

Remember the song "That don't impress me much" by Shania Twain? I have heard men say that they have no idea what she means. That explains a lot!

sodapop Mon 28-Jan-19 11:03:36

Sometimes this behaviour occurs because the person is worried or scared and can't cope Framilode
When you are feeling better you need to talk about it and explain what you need. I hope you feel better soon.

ariana6 Mon 28-Jan-19 11:07:01

I would read him the Riot Act. It's totally unacceptable to be abused - and yes, this is emotional abuse bordering on coercive control.
Tell him straight that his behaviour is giving you serious concerns and that you are considering your options going forward.
Stand up for yourself OP.
And get well soon.

Annaram1 Mon 28-Jan-19 11:14:24

Framilode, is he always like this when you are unwell? Perhaps he is afraid of catching your virus?

MissAdventure Mon 28-Jan-19 11:18:21

Selfish swine.
There is no excuse.
Passive aggressive behaviour is bullying; one of the worst kinds, I think, because it makes the victim so uncomfortable, and not sure, and gradually conditions them to accept it as normal.

kircubbin2000 Mon 28-Jan-19 11:25:44

Trade him in , it's never too late.

David1968 Mon 28-Jan-19 11:26:33

My first reaction is to quote a phrase I learned recently on another GN thread - LTB! But then I considered that perhaps Sodapop is totally spot-on here. If so, surely what is needed is some real heart-to-heart communication? Can you tell him, patiently and calmly, exactly how you feel, and ask for more support? (My lovely DH is brilliant at many things, and is always caring/supportive, but I know he gets fraught if I'm under the weather.)

CaroleAnne Mon 28-Jan-19 11:27:30

Dear Framilode. You really should discuss the problem with your OH when you are feeling better otherwise resentment will build up.
In the meanwhile concentrate on getting better and hope that it won't be long before you are up and about again feeling well and able to deal with the

Margs Mon 28-Jan-19 11:31:11

Gosh! I think maybe you're lucky he didn't stamp his foot and petulantly whinge "It's not fair - What about me!"

When you're up to it serve him a Full English Breakfast - uncooked!

Hollycat Mon 28-Jan-19 11:36:58

So sorry to hear you’re not at all well Framilode. My husband is very attentive and caring - for the first two days!! After that I am prodded to my feet like a sick horse. When I get up, still not well and creeping about, I am told to “go and sit down, I don’t want you to do anything”. But after about an hour that turns into “You’ll feel a lot better if you have a shower and get dressed”. When I’ve knocked myself out just doing that I am considered to be completely recovered.grin

gerry86 Mon 28-Jan-19 11:37:11

I don't want to sound ungrateful but my DH is just the opposite. If I'm in bed ill (very rarely, luckily) he's forever popping in and asking if I want a drink/painkillers/something to eat, or even just arriving with something when really all I want to do is sleep.

Telly Mon 28-Jan-19 11:47:59

It seems as if he thinks he has done his bit and now it is time you were over it! You really need to talk to him when you feel up to it. What would happen if you had a chronic condition? What do you do when he is under the weather? Being in a relationship is not a one way street.