I've been banned from my stepson's wedding.....

Me too Barmeyoldbat.
With respect to those who have criticised Phoenixbfh for mentioning the writing on the envelope.She may well regret doing so but if that was the straw that broke the camel's back then the camel's back was laden anyway so perhaps it is a good thing it has come out now rather than actually at the wedding.
I wouldn't apologise but if the lady felt an apology was necessary I wouldn't do it before the wedding.
You might get an invite.

As you are quite happy not to go, I think you should stay away and hope this all blows over.

I would object to no surname on a letter, and even more to this peculiar habit that has come into being of "uninviting" people. I am old-fashioned enough to believe that once you have invited someone you have to grin and bear it if the turn up and find it quite unbelievably rude that anyone would tell a relative or friend that they are no longer welcome at a function they have been invited to,

I'm sure that both you and these incredibly rude young people will all have a much better day apart.

When my Stepdaughter got married it was made clear that she would prefer it if I did not attend. My DH was so angry and upset about this (we had been married for over 25 years by then) that he said he would not attend. I persuaded him otherwise, as she is his only daughter and I knew he would regret not “giving her away” at the wedding. He did go, but hated that I wasn’t there with him. But as the years have gone by and grandchildren have arrived, DH and I have no regrets about his attending. We have put it behind us and all get along just fine. Good Luck with whatever you decide to do.

I love working with autistic children after working in mainstream. They tell it as it is and there is no mean side to them and none of the playground bullying. What an unfortunate thing for the OP to think and say.

I also wonder in what way the mention of the informality of the name on the envelope could have been meant to be ‘constructive’ ?

Artols you are a great example of a decent human being.

That was so hurtful but you realised your DH should be there for his child. Now, thankfully, you are all getting on but if you had been childish and insisted your DH didn't attend, that wouldn't be the case would it.

If only more people were like you.

Thank you breeze. At the time though, I remember hurtful words being said by all concerned, but I realised that why would I want to be somewhere when the person whose day it was after all, didn’t really want me there. Over the years it has made me realise that sometimes you simply have to “let things be.” Time really can make you forget (and sometimes even forgive!)

I wonder if they felt that your criticism of the name on the envelope was over-fussy and it got under their skin? Maybe they've bitten their tongues before but this was a step too far. I have a SIL like this - you'd think that WWIII would break out due to the silliest of transgressions can be very wearing.
All you can do is say sorry and bite your tongue in future.

If the invitation was hand delivered then just first names seems acceptable, but odd if it was posted. But their reaction does seem to be way over the top, think there is more to this than just the name thing.

I just think you have to let done things go. I doubt any ulterior motive was meant by putting Christian names on, why would it matter. If these niggling things get to you perhaps they are fed upwith walking on egg shells.

I think you are better out of the relationship with your Stepson x Send a lovely card and wish them well then smile sweetly xx

P.s. I couldnt be in a relationship with a man who didnt prioritise his children. I just couldnt respect him. If OP is fine with it then she cant really be surprised that dynamics with the children are strained.

I’m assuming your stepson would willingly accept a wedding present from you BOTH?? Or will he upset his father and reject it?

Agree with notanan2's P.S.

@Peardrop50
“You seem to me to be a very selfish and insensitive person.”
Where exactly, from op’s post, do you get this from? It is incredibly nasty!
It is not the op who said that she came first before dh’s son, it was her dh who said this. I think that he was out of order to say this, but why blame the op?

I do think op should apologise to ss, just simply saying that she is sorry if she upset him as that was not her intention.

However, attitudes such as Peardrops do nothing to help the situation. Maybe Peardrop had a “wicked” stepmother which has left her unable to see situations such as this clearly, or maybe she is just plain nasty.

Weddings can be stressful occasions. These days there are many mixed up families with all the divorces & remarriages. You can’t like everyone or the way they do things.

I liked Artols acceptance of the situation in which she found herself. I try hard to model myself on this approach, trying not to judge other family members by my standards & working to accept the way things are.

I would apologise profusely in the situation whatever happens next.

I think its really odd for a child to send an invite addressed to his father by his Christian name. I would comment if my children did that. It should have been addressed to
"Dad and (insert partners name)"
But lucky you not having to go. Families!

I think that there is something to be said for accepting that some people just cannot be in your life. There sounds like a whole backlog of hurts which have been stifled but as you say, if the relationship with your SS and his partner have always been strained, rejoice that you have accepted it is over and you no longer have to walk on eggshells. Why should you have to? If they resent you, let them get on with it.

I only say this because recently a rift was created in our blended family. I hate confrontation, like a peaceful life and do tend to bottle up my real feelings for the sake of harmony. I was grateful to a friend who after listening to my tale of concern, woe and all my hand-wringing and angst said quite bluntly. "Look, no more fake smiles for you, no more feeling uncomfortable, or having to try too hard to get her onside, and no more going along with things you find unacceptable. It is much healthier for you to accept you'll never see her again. Get on with your life, with one very difficult relationship gone"

It is difficult when it involves family members and split loyalties. It's hard, but as some wise person said, you can choose your friends, but not your family. It takes two to tango, two to argue, two to fall out. Sometimes it's futile forever trying to be the peacemaker and the one making allowances and amends, as I was.

Enjoy your day and wish your step family well but let it go and move on.

*It should have been addressed to
"Dad and (insert partners name)"*

I have never posted anything to my parents addressed on the envelope as mum or dad. Could be anyones mum or dad Theyre not my postie's mum or dad (I hope!)

As for the mums "poisonous" attitude to the OP: autistc or not, as a MOTHER if my DH told my children that they had been demoted to rank below a new partner, I would struggle to give my blessing to that relationship (not that my blessing would be required but you know what I mean)

I think that there is something to be said for accepting that some people just cannot be in your life.

Yes. As the DH had made it clear that the OP is REPLACING his old family, any chance of "blending" goes out the window

You say that you making the comment about surnames on the envelope was "the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back", which would suggest to me, as Anja said above, that there have been other incidents where you have commented on things, which haven't been well received either. I think it all depends also on how the comment was made - "it ain't what you say, it's the way that you say it".

Your OP is loaded towards your family and against your husband's family, so I'm sensing there was tension between you and them long before this wedding invitation.

I think it's just as well, all round, that you are not going to the wedding, as it sounds like the kind of family situation that could easily turn nasty, and you, being the "cuckoo" in that family's nest, would likely take the blame.

Treat yourself to a nice day of your choosing, and wish the happy couple well - from a distance.

When my daughter married she asked my husband, her step father to give her away. Awe dad and family were invited and attended and all was well. Her choice.

Also - I've been pondering on the names on the envelope thing. (I actually can't believe something so minor has caused such a rift!)

I think it depends on who wrote the envelope and whether it was handed to the OP's husband, or sent in the post.

If the son wrote the envelope, and delivered it in person, then as has been pointed out, he can't put "Dad and Mum" because obviously those aren't the recipients. I think it would be overly formal to write Mr and Mrs XXX if it is being hand delivered. Probably it would have been better to write Dad and (OP's first name). Or not even write anything. If it's being hand delivered, then it's clear who the envelope is intended for.

On the other hand, if the fiancee has written the invitations, then she can't put "mum and dad", or "dad and (OP's first name). And again, "Mr and Mrs" might be seen as too formal. So if she has written it, she will have addressed it to whatever she calls her fiance's father and step mother - i.e. their first names.

I think it if was posted, then no matter who wrote it, it should have been addressed to Mrs and Mrs XXX (assuming they are married, other wise Mr XXX and Miss/Mrs/Ms XXX).

I think the father may well have sewn the seeds of the son's resentment by telling him he had moved down the ladder of importance in his father's affections. Of course (to my recollection anyway) we've not been told the circumstances of this revelation, or how old the son was when it was said.

Cannot believe that offence can be taken about such a trivial matter.
Apologise if you can & if they accept it try to explain you are old school & that sort of etiquette is what you are use to, but that you now realise it really doesn’t matter at all.

I think some AC do resent step parents and this can be accentuated when they themselves have a partner and it can be 'us' with an axe to grind. The partner will believe what your ss has told her. Why wouldn't she?

I agree with notanan2 that the OP's husband didn't help matters by shifting the pecking order when he married and ensuring his son knew where he stood too. That would be hurtful.

However, it does sound as if there are all sorts of resentments on her husband's side since their marriage, or even when he found a woman to replace their mother. It's very sad that some children cannot accept that their parents move on and have a right to be happy. It has to be handled sensitively to keep everyone happy.

I am also of the mind that right now, it is the OPs and her husband's time to enjoy their lives together. You have to let others get on with their lives. In an ideal world everyone would be happy for them but step families can bring tensions, even if they are unspoken. It can make the 'treading on eggshells' relationship very difficult. Who needs it?

Phoenix FH
You could make it that you have plans to meet up with an old friend for that day and let your husband go and enjoy the wedding.lessen the problems maybe that way