I've been banned from my stepson's wedding.....

Why would you even want to consider going? You sound like you have a wonderful caring family yourself..there are so many positive aspects of your life, sounds like you have had a lucky escape

The poor boy. He went through the divorce of his parents which often makes children, at any age, feel insecure. He needed to know that he was still important to his parents. Then his father met and married another woman. A lovely new loving family but then his father announced that the new wife is more important than his own son. The seed of resentment was well and truly planted here. Then to make matters worse the new wife seems to feel that that is acceptable. Did you ever tell your own children that your husband is more important than them? I'm sorry to be so blunt but I am not surprised that your stepson doesn't want to acknowledge that you share his father's name. You seem to me to be a very selfish and insensitive person.

I m unsure why you would worry about lack of a name they are family so not speaking formally however it’s done now
I ve never in all my life heard of being uninvited what a strange concept you can’t take away something once given
I too don’t like at all the fact that your husband said he put you first over his children! No man would eve4 come over my own children I m afraid ( probably why I’m on my own ?)
Let it all drop it’s a very awkward situation though for all of you

At my Stepson's wedding, my DIL, who had fallen out with my DD over me, made it a thing to give all the parents and step-parents a little gift with the exception of me. I noted it and was hurt about it but I kept quiet. She is entitled to her feelings. Although I was a bit sad that she felt the need to so publicly display them, I knew I wouldn't make her like me any more by tackling her about it. Fast forward a few years and she is actually very thoughtful about me. Sometimes keeping your mouth shut is the best way forward...even over the way an envelope is addressed!!!

If you’re genuinely not bothered/relieved, then I would suggest sending them a joint wedding day card from your husband and yourself. At meetings afterwards remain friendly (and dignified). All sounds a bit ‘high pressure’ just now and probably best not reacted to.

If it was me I would ask my DH not to go ,perhaps this would be selfish but surely his wife comes first. Happy to say we would not be in this position as we have no step children but step granchildren and we all get on so well together. I could no see how this would ever change .

I do get some feeling of the OP doesn't really like the step family, for whatever reason and that's completely her right to not like certain people. It sounds like it's almost a relief to have it formalised by the wedding uninvite, so everyone can stop pretending. It's not a situation I'd like, but it may suit her!

Two views from our house!

My feeling is that you accept not going to the wedding and plan a lovely day with friends. If you go you may make things worse, be treading on eggshells, etc. I think your husband can go in his own right. You can have a diplomatic illness, or preorganised family event.

My husband, a widower with three children when we met, thought that no one should be telling anyone what to do, but he thought that your husband might have a talk with his son, on his own, to try to find out what the real problem is, and find out how it could be resolved.

Hope the day goes well, no matter what happens ?

They sound odd and you're best off out of it, in my opinion!

Blimey! Sounds to me as though there are plenty of eggshells on gransnet. I would hope that this group could accept someone's feelings of hurt, however they are expressed, without so much sniping criticism. I have thought about leaving a few times. This may well push me to do so.

At my SD's wedding I & DH'S ex's H were sat on the top table & were in receiving line but we all got along well.

SS hasn't married his long term GF but I can't imagine this scenario with SS as he "knows everything, he is right all the time" which has led to many clashes . Since DH died I have had no contact with SS & GC, his loss not mine.

When DH was alive he would not have willing attended any family event without me, DH had a strained relationship with his S even before I met him, it's no fun walking on eggshells, so enjoy your day, be happily uninvited & see what the future brings. I also would not put my name to any card or present, your DH's decission is his own & you need to support him either way attend or stay away .

Although it is quite common these days especially by the younger generation to drop titles from envelopes "ie" Mr & Mrs, it's not usual to drop a surname when you know it, especially as it was a formal invitation coming through the post. If it was given to you personally then that's a bit different. It seems there is some anger and resentment against you, and this is one of the ways they are showing it.
This "uninviting" thing seems to me quite rude to be honest. Other threads have similar stories to tell. What a cruel world we have become.
Probably with hindsight it would have been better not to mention the lack of surname on your invite, but I see were you are coming from as it looks like it was not an oversight but intended to provoke you into a reaction.
The ball is not in your court, but theirs, by trying to stir up trouble.
Don't rise to it, some people are never happy unless they are making someone else unhappy.

Phoenixbfh, your comment about autism shows breathtaking insensitivity and lack of understanding of autism and those who suffer from it.

Your husband is father for life , wifes can and frequently are replaced ...as you know .Why on earth would ANY parent tell their child of any age that a new wife takes preference .Honestly and folk wonder why they have family problems !

When somebody reaches out for opinions and advice then they lay themselves open to all different opinions ..however there are a couple of people on here who may take note note that harsh advice can be proffered sensitively ... face to face I bet you wouldn’t be quite so verbally aggressive .

Step parents are always a difficult issue.
When we married many moons ago,my DH had to invite his step mother (who did not like that his father had been married before and always tried to pretend the children from that marriage didn’t exist!) As well as his own mum who didn’t like new wife, and made it clear loudly and publicly very often! It was a complete minefield and very alien to me as an only child of parents still together!
Nonetheless although DH did not like step mother because of her attitude to him and to his younger brothers he made every effort and managed to pull the day off without incident!
I agree whole heartedly with those that say the comment of DH about step mum now being number one in his life (ahead of his children) is probably at the root of the poor relationship. I find the comment at best tactless and at worst cruel! Even if that’s true there was no need to state it and it was better unsaid. I loved DH (and he was my children’s father) but when push came to shove my children would always have come first and it was the same for him.

Autism does not cause rudeness. Rudeness is caused by bad manners. Those on the autistic spectrum can be blunt and say it as it is BUT they are no more inclined to be hurtful or malicious than those who are not on the spectrum. Autism makes it difficult to form relationships. It is also now coming to light that autism runs in some families so it may not be just the mother who has difficulties with relationships. I feel very sorry for those on the spectrum as I have seen first hand the terrible anxiety, bewilderment and loneliness it causes.

I’m not sure why you criticised the wording on the invitation, as most likely the reason for omitting the surname, it’s because it was his father and he couldn’t write mum & dad as you are not his mum. Writing a surname would have made very formal to his own father. You sound like you need to correct people for certain so called errors and perhaps that’s what he dislikes about you. Sometimes, people need to engage their brain , before opening their mouths. Life would be so much sweeter all round.

When you pointed out the 'transgression' with the omission of your surname, you said this was the 'straw that broke the camel's back' but I wonder whether this was actually said by your stepson. If it was, then it's clear that you were already skating on thin ice with him - my feeling is that if things were that bad then it was pretty insensitive to even mention it because you could have predicted the outcome - on the other hand, if he was simply tolerating you and waiting for you to put a foot wrong before excising you from his life, then it's good that you gave him the opportunity. It sounds to me as though you are better off by not having this stressful relationship in your life - as you say, your hubby is able to make his own choice about attending the wedding and you are OK with his decision either way.

The lack of surnames wouldn't bother me.but what the husband said to his own son about the wife being more important is shocking and sad . There was absolutely no reason for the husband's crass remark In my opinion

There no saying how you 'should' feel. If you are relieved, then embrace it and enjoy this new freedom you have been given.

Personally, I wouldn't have bothered about the surnames missing on the invitations, people just go with the flow these days and what's 'right' to one is not to another.

If you are happy about being uninvited, just be happy.

If I was on my second marriage and my new husband told his children that I now came first in his priorities I would have gone ballistic!!! I would have told him in no uncertain terms, that as far as I was concerned, the comment was wrong on so many levels. I would never want to come between any parent and their children. That comment to his young son must have been (and probably still is) incredibly hurtful. Imagine if your Mum or Dad said this to you when you were young, it's just so insensitive.

It was a bit petty to nit pick about first names only on the envelope.. I have both done it and received it and if I sent someone an invite and that was what they took from it, rather than the fact that I had invited them, I would probably regret inviting them too...

Two camps on this one. The ones who think poster was well within her rights to point out the lack of surname, that her husband was right to tell his son his wife comes first, that she should pamper herself at a spa for the day and quite rightly not be blamed for not liking anyone. She certainly sounds relieved that she’s got out of the relationship, doesn’t like DH’s family, and has DH on her side.

I’m in the other camp. I find it incredulous to be so picky about a name on an envelope. I find it horrid to tell a son that his stepmother comes first, over and above him. I am also suspicious as to ‘why’ her DH felt the need to tell his son that. There has been previous friction for sure. You don’t drop into a conversation one sunny day ‘Oh btw son, your stepmother comes first’ do you.

Also, poster is only considering herself in this situation. What about her DH. How is he going to feel having to go to his son’s wedding without his, obviously extremely important, DW? And the resulting family rift that is bound to follow such a situation meaning he will be torn forevermore that his DS and DW won’t be in the same room.

You also have no understanding of autism. I do. It’s a wide spectrum but generally autistic people do not understand the complexities of human emotions. So they must be forgiven for speaking/acting out of turn as it’s not their fault. But they most certainly are not ‘poisonous’.

So I am with paddyann monica and others on this one I’m afraid.

You should apologise for the sake of your DH.

If it was me I would book myself into a spa for the day or night as well and enjoy a peaceful pampered day and no street or friction.