My father is still alive

Silverlady, I wish I could give you a hug. This truly dreadful excuse for a father is better out of your life. For your own sake don't contact him, delete and block his number. Look after yourself. You were a child, his child but he was cruel. Have faith in your self, you are by far the better person.

Get help as fast as possible so you can heal the child that is still crying after so many years Allow yourself the privilege of growing after all this time of being harmed You are the only person (with he,p) who can change this, your father won’t
Please get some abuse counselling and perhaps join a survivors group you will be amazed at how freeing and empowering it is You will be a new woman with so much weight off your shoulders you deserve this and your father deserves no attention from you It’s sad to lose a parent but he should be dead to you now
Good luck

‘The greater the power the more dangerous the abuse’.
Edmund Burke.

I am bowled over by your input. Thankyou. Such sensible advice. I have blocked him from FaceTiming me yesterday and tbh have been having counselling for the consequences of my childhood (eating disordered) .... I wondered why I contacted him and like a poster said, probably looking for the dad I wanted and didn’t get and I’m always ...just always...looking for his approval and love ...well, that ain’t never going to come is it!!! It must b a gilded life where you spread such damage and never own up to it but think you are the god given one. I cannot afford any ore counselling so am off to look for a women’s group, good suggestion. However, there’s a part of me that wants to draw a line under this and just sort of forget the old bastard.

Katy k because you were all better people.

That's the spirit SilverLady! You can break free, every time you get the urge to ring, re-read this thread and talk to your support group. Blocking him from face-timing you was an excellent start, should have been done years ago, make sure he can't contact you in any other way, and fly into your new life, we are all wishing you well.

I do feel for you Silverlady. You are very hurt by your selfish father and he has blighted your life by his appalling behaviour. I hope you can find a way to find peace.

You are right in saying that parents’ thoughtlessness can affcet their children’s lives. Philip Larkin’s poem This Be The.Verse sums it up.

It is hard to move on but you do need to try and I wish you all the very best.

Silverlady, I had a similar father to you, and although we never forgot his behaviour when we were young, he proved to be a good grandfather to our children. Relationships are very complicated, and I expect you, like me, have clung to the moments when he made you feel happy, even if there weren't many of them. I wish you all the best, and hope that you can let go of the past and not let your dad ruin your future. You don't have to let thoughts of him control your life xxx

Oh dear Silverlady you haven’t had much luck with relationships in your life if I remember correctly. You were estranged from your sister and had a loveless marriage...do I have that right?

Have you thought of counselling perhaps?

What a cruel cruel vicious monster and even in old age he still has no love or respect. Can you imagine if you had been born of this day and age you would have on the at risk register and he would have been investigated. This horrible man doesn’t need your time or effort. I think I would make one last call and tell him exactly what I think of him or better still write him a letter.

This is tragic. For those of us lucky enough to have had loving parents and a loving marriage, it is heartbreaking to read of such cruelty. I hope he dies soon even though that won't be the end of the damage he has caused. As others have said, look after yourself and remind yourself daily that what happened was not your fault and you were unlucky not unworthy of love.

I am sorry Silverlady that you had an awful father during your childhood, Amazed that you are still in contact with such a villain.
My husband's father was not very nice. He was a womaniser who treated my Mother in Law and his children badly, he was a drunk as well, and a heavy smoker, yet he lived to the age of 98. My husband was from Trinidad and after MIL died he made the effort to visit the old man every year for 15 years, complaining every time he went. I am not sure why he went as he actually admitted that he hated his father. Yet when the old man died my husband and his sister gave him a wonderful expensive send off...

Tears in my eyes. I am so glad you are getting help Silverlady. I didn’t realise what my siblings and I were doing in running to help my mother whenever she called for us until my daughter said to me, ‘Mum, stop trying to make Grandma love you’. It didn’t stop us though and she had us racing to her side until she died in her mid 90s. I don’t think I loved her at all but I badly wanted her to love me.

Oh Silverlady you've had a horrible childhood, it must have been awful for you. You have survived and much of what you went through has cast a vary long shadow over your life. If I were you I really wouldn't bother to communicate with him anymore. That seems harsh but I'd put him out of my mind.
My dad was very bitter and bad tempered and we were all scared of him. He had an effect on all of us, more psychological than anything. He was all for himself, we were inconvenient. I try not to let it affect me but how could it not? I know I have more self-worth now but it has taken me over 60 years to gain this confidence.
I wanted to dance on his grave when he eventually passed away about seven years ago. for you.

My father was a Korean veteran. His behaviour was unpredictable, sometimes violent towards both my mother and sister and we all experienced a range of emotional abuse. We all understood that he had been damaged by his experiences in the war. I have had counselling over the years but the most effective help I received was from an art therapist after his death. I am not artistic which can be an advantage in art therapy as you are not trying to produce a piece of art but just using the materials to express how you are feeling at that moment. I had restricted my contact with my father in his latter years to limit his influence on me and my children too. I hope you find peace.

I have a narcissistic mother and until 15 years ago lived in dread of my dutiful visits. I had counselling and it helped to some degree but 5 years ago I had an ephinay and at the age of 55 managed to let go of all emotions towards her. I can't explain how, it just happened. I have had tremendous support from DH who calls her the 'wicked witch'. He didnt see her behaviour at first but over time she dropped her guard and he was stunned. Narcissistic people often appear lovely to many. But I no longer live in fear of what she would think. They cause so much pain. She is in her 80s now. I still see her for 2 short visits a year. But she no longer has a hold over my thoughts. I so wish I could have done this years ago!

Easier said than done to cut ties with an abuser but for your own sake please do it.

I should add to my earlier post that one of the most powerful things about art therapy is that you only share those insights you gain through the process which you want to with the therapist. I found in counseling that counsellors often, at best, seemed out of their depth with or, at worst disinterested when I shared a particularly painful memory leaving me feeling unsupported and out of control.

Silverlady79, I feel for you and hope you will find a way to enjoy your autumn years without your father keeping you in a state of constant winter. If you think talking to a good therapist/counsellor will be useful it might give you an outlet that you need and some time to concentrate on yourself and good relationships. I know ties with family, even rotten family members, can be hard to sever, but your dad has his life in Canada, so maybe leaving him to it and starting to live your own life to the full would be a good move. Sounds like your father still gets a sadistic kick out of hurting you - for your own sanity consider distancing yourself, cutting ties and not allowing him to inflict further damage. You are aware of his many faults and of the ways he has hurt you (and still does), so that could be the first step in making some changes and focusing on mending yourself. Unfortunately some bastards never change, and at 90 I'd say your father falls into that category. Please have a serious think about grabbing control of your life and enjoying it without that sadistic, cruel and threatening father-shaped cloud hanging over you. F**k his birthday today - make it (or tomorrow) your 1st birthday for a new you, new life. I wish you well and hope you feel able to share your thoughts, feelings and potential journey on Gransnet. and if it would help.

Silverlady79 you have been through a lot with this parent, and as you say there are many others who are also living with this kind of scarring. Can I suggest that you have a long and potentially enjoyable life left and that if you could totally rid yourself of your desire to communicate with this man and not be on the end of his snide remarks, you would be able to enjoy that life to the full and as you deserve. It might therefore be a good idea to give yourself the opportunity to offload all of this, to find you without the bad memories, and opt for some personal counselling. Good luck.

Silverlady79 Seems to me that one can love without liking and like without loving. Since this man doesn't fall into either category he has no right to be in your life or your head - look to the future, not the past.

There is a lot of good advice for you, SilverLady. Whatever you decide to do, I believe you need to forgive him first. That is a decision, not a feeling, nor does it depend on an apologyy. Then it is over. Forgiving him does not mean you have to have him in your life ever again. It is nothing to do with him or for his benefit, but everything to do with you and living the rest of your life in peace. I wrote the following sentence on another thread recently because it had such an impact on me..... forgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. These 'autumn' years can be the best of your life. Please make sure they are.

Silverlady. Mine was like this and I gave myself permission to cut him out of my life...as did my siblings. We basically cut all ties and began to heal. We will always carry the scars but by ending the relationship on our own terms...i.e. being in charge...we began to heal earlier. The abuser loves to be the one calling the shots and it sounds to me as if the man is still doing that to you. You owe him nothing.

You poor love - how awful this man sounds and is still making your life hell. I was married to a man for 17 years that was evil made my eldest child’s life a misery best day of my life was when he left. I do hope you will find some peace

I rang him today to wish him well, he said snidely, you're still the same girl aren't you in a vicious way. I said in a good way or bad. He didn't answer.

Can I suggest that his non verbal indicates that you being the good daughter that you are makes him feel the bad father that he is. And of course, he will blame you for his bad feeling.

As someone has said upthread, somehow you need to recognise that you really don't need his approval. The man is damaged and has tried to damage you.

Get help and rid yourself of your guilt. This is not your fault.