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My father is still alive

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Silverlady79 Tue 05-Feb-19 17:12:42

He is 90 something today. About 13 years ago, six weeks after my mum died (married 50 years) he upped sticks and left the village we all lived in. He went to Canada with a woman who apparently he had been having an affair with many years ago. I hadn't known my mum knew about it and stuck by him (and him by her)

He was a violent abusive intimidating father who delighted in throwing me down the stairs or hanging me against the wall. I have no feelings for him but do communicate with him. At the age of 63 I am very damaged and don't trust men. I just wish for him to pop his nasty little clogs and then I can wash my hands of him.

There are probably a whole load of us damaged in one way or the other. And that damage runs through us no matter our age.

I rang him today to wish him well, he said snidely, you're still the same girl aren't you in a vicious way. I said in a good way or bad. He didn't answer. Thankyou for reading, oh it's been so good to offload this - and I send everyone else who has been through the hell of a narcissistic cruel parent my love.

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Lily65 Sat 09-Feb-19 23:22:19

Wise words, nana58

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dbDB77 Sat 09-Feb-19 23:58:33

Silverlady please get help - don't despair - take care of yourself - you deserve it flowers

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willa45 Sun 10-Feb-19 13:22:29

I am feeling it’s not worth going on.

Silverlady,
Don't let feelings of guilt or fear continue to govern your actions.

Your guilt is perfectly understandable, but not necessary. It's normal to love a parent no matter how flawed he/she is..... You can love a bad parent and be angry with them at the same time. Loving someone doesn't mean we have to give them what they don't deserve and we shouldn't feel guilty over that.

You are likely suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). He can no longer hurt you physically and you know that. Yet you still suffer the emotional toll of being physically abused by someone who was supposed to love you and protect you. Wishing him dead is anger speaking but that is not a failure on your part. Remember, he's the one who failed you!

Even after all these years, the anguish he caused you continues to plague you even today....that is a textbook definition of post traumatic stress. A good therapist can help rid you of his toxic influence and heal you for once and for all.

Please get help as soon as possible and please come back from time to time and let us know how you are doing! You have a lot of people on this forum who genuinely care.

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Mapleleaf Sun 10-Feb-19 22:07:13

Silverlady, how are you feeling today? Please, please seek some support - you sound to be at a very low ebb. As another poster has just suggested, contact the Samaritans if you are feeling that you can’t go on. You know, you can - you are strong, but I dare say you aren’t feeling that right now. You are so much more than the man who is your biological Father, and you can beat his influencene. He is the one with the problem, not you, but his nastiness is wearing you down, and eating at your self esteem even though he is thousands of miles away.
Please seek support - go to your gp for the first step. There is help out there.
Take care, and keep posting here.

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