My father is still alive

?? exactly Camelot

Silverlady you have to be one to know one. People with normal families find it hard to understand but it goes deep. I have achieved more than my friends because you have an I will show them attitude. Maybe it is looking for approval. Just stick in there and remember there are a lot of us in that sort of position. I had a lesser person feeling which was silly. I do send all good wishes to you.

Mine was like that. I tolerated him for my mother’s sake until she had died, then I dumped him. But his shadow hung over me until he died. When they rang from his care home to say he had gone, I put the phone down, sat down, and it was as if a weight on my shoulders just lifted, hovered in the air for a moment, and then floated away. I’ll never forget that feeling.

Thank you debsfl when I look back I sometimes wonder how me and my siblings survived our childhood but somehow we did (well all but one of us).

I am new to gransnet and this has been such an insight for me my dad is 91 and still controls my mum who has dementia against the family he will not let me or my sister get carers in he is arrogant when we try to help her she is near late stage she is confused and has hallucinations he has always been a bully to my sister and me but not my brother who he thinks is marvellous there have been so many incidents of his nastiness over the years and we are don't want to see him but go for my mums sake

Sorry should have said and we don't want to see him

Ring him back, to thank him for reminding you that yes you are still that girl, in fact so much so that you forgive him for his pathetic attempt to upset & belittle you & to tell him that you are proud to be the person you are & thoroughly relieved not to have turned out like him ! Big hug & best wishes , you don’t need his approval & he doesn’t deserve your love or compassion , just your pity .
Hugs & best wishes to you.

Yes good post with advice Bridgeit. As least your dad is far away and you don't have to meet, maybe just stop contact with him.

This thread has really shocked me and made me tearful. You see I lost both my parents when I was young and I have always been jealous of people whose parents lived to be old.

Yet it seems abusive parents have caused great hurt to so many and it's shocking to read. You were the innocents but you are still suffering all these years later.

Silverlady79 and all who have suffered from abusive parents, please get the help you need to free yourselves from the chains that bind you to the perpetrators. Love yourself enough to seek professional help. No more contact, no more seeking approval from someone not fit to walk the same earth as you.

My earlier post should have read....
UNforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. Duh!

Silverlady79 Don't you dare speak to him unless you ring & tell him to get s"""d .He still has a hold over you.
Take some self defense classes it will give you confidence.

There comes a time in everyone's life when you have to shed the damage done by parents. No one teaches them to be parents and most are certainly less than qualified. He sounds a total nightmare. Get help and get this man out of you head. You life will be happier and don't bother calling him to wish him well. That's won't help you feel any better as he won't give you any approval for it and will probably just feed his ego. You need to get rid asap.

Silverlady, I wish you peace, and I don't judge how you feel about your father. Everyone is entitled to their own judgement of their parents.

May you have light in your life.

Life can be short, you don't need this person in your life.
Families support and help each other this man did nothing for your well being it's time to move on.
If you feel counselling could work for you see your healthcare professional.
Best of luck for the future

I feel so sorry for you i have lost both my parents but they only gave me love and care.Everything they did was for me.My dad was a bulider and did so much work for me.I can see his love in every brick he layed.

Just don't phone or call any more.take comfort in that

I would side with all the other ladies who have suggested getting a good councillor, they are worth their weight in gold and could help you to get this horrible man out of your life.

You are still young enough to change your life and have a happy older age. You might even meet a lovely man to share your later years.

Good luck and please don’t let this man ruin anymore of your life.

its time to let go. get a balloon and write all the things your father said nasty to you on a message label .and let it go. don't speak to him .just send a card now and then.....what he done was plain nasty and you should not feel guilty by giving him the boot......

I am feeling it’s not worth going on. I am so very tired of these emotions. A hideous dream last night where I fought him off and screamed out has bought me to the pit of despair and tearfulness. . I am63 and dreaming of still being chased by him. When is it going to end. Ablthough ive blocked him for some reason I feel guilty. I know, irs crazy!

Silverlady, I'm quite alarmed to hear that you feel like that.
You definitely sound as if you need some real-life help.
So many people here have suggested talking with a counsellor, or you could phone the Samaritans if you need to talk to someone right away.
www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

You deserve to be free of that horrible man.

Silver, I have sent you a PM. I would urge you to do 2 things TODAY.

Contact your GP and have a chat.

Find a reputable, registered counsellor. I'm going to be harsh not, you say you can't afford it but perhaps there are things you can cut back to facilitate this. You could go alternate weeks.

sorry about the word not......don't know how that appeared.

You owe this man nothing at all.
If you wish, continue to acknowledge Christmas and birthdays with a card, but leave it at that.

I too am very alarmed by the state ment(I can't go on any more

I too wished my nasty parent dead. I was fortunate enough to have years of therapy, which enabled me to think about how this had affected my life and to reduce the limitations I lived with. When she finally did die the therapy helped me to cope with the confusing mix of feelings that descended. I had anticipated the relief but not the guilt and the continued grief for the mother I never had.
I encourage you to find a therapist ( I think if you go on to the B.A.C.P. Website there is a helpful search tool) Some will have a sliding scale of fees it will be expensive and it’s unfair that we have to pay but, in my experience, it’s worth making a few sacrifices to live a freer life. My very best wishes to you.