Gransnet forums

MIL/IL threads etc.

(103 Posts)
Izabella Thu 07-Feb-19 22:41:26

Before I trudge off with my back pack (and so I may make a hasty getaway) grin I just wanted to make some observations.

I cannot believe the sometimes childish and self absorbed threads about trouble with in laws and life not being fair that have been on here over time. Throughout my career and travels I have seen the most terrible things in the world and people in absolute crisis. It makes me realise just how wars and terrible situations arise when human beings with so much, seem to find imagined hurt more rewarding than accepting that as human beings we are all different. These differences are rarely celebrated and I feel saddened.

paddyann Thu 07-Feb-19 22:49:27

With you all the way Izabella so many grans who think the world should revolve around them .I wonder did their mothers expect so much input in their lives? I know my mum and my MIL wouldn't have wanted to have a say in how ours were raised and were happy to spend whatever time they had with the GC .They certainly didn't bitch about each other ,were happy we had a support system that included them both.Maybe its not the younger generation who are the "snowflakes" its the mothers who raised them

Gonegirl Thu 07-Feb-19 22:51:57

I'm not sure what you are saying there. Do you mean that, because there is dreadful suffering in other parts of the world (which! btw, we all know about from watching the news and reading the papers) we are not allowed to have our own normal and natural feelings?

Why would it work like that?

Gonegirl Thu 07-Feb-19 22:52:38

That was addressed to the OP.

Nico97 Thu 07-Feb-19 22:59:42

Good post Izabella. My sentiments entirely paddyann

paddyann Thu 07-Feb-19 23:32:57

Well gonegirl I dont think it is natural to be jealous of your GC's other GP's .Regardless of where they live or how often they see the child or even how much money they spend on the GC.That child is not YOURS.You are being given the privilege of being a part of its life ...dependent on the parents.Itsthe parents who count .Its not up to you how its raised ,educated or anything else .

MissAdventure Thu 07-Feb-19 23:38:40

I can sort of understand being hurt or upset, but for the life of me not why someone would choose to walk away in case it upset them more.
How does it work that you're soo upset at not seeing enough of your grandchild, because you love them so much that you decide not to see them at all?
That's not love, as far as I'm concerned.

agnurse Fri 08-Feb-19 00:42:49

I agree. To me it smacks of a couple of things:

"But so-and-so gets to have/be/do/whatever this thing! Why don't I get to? It's not fair!"

"Fine. If you won't play the way I want, I'll just take my toys and go home."

How many parents have heard this story from their children? (I know my parents did and admittedly at times they did hear it from me.) What was your response?

BlueBelle Fri 08-Feb-19 06:13:18

I can’t believe how much jealousy and control some of these daughter in law/ mother in law threads hold so I totally agree with you Izabella They are pretty unbelievable and very very predictable
Some people are so shocked and make themselves almost ill because their child moves away/ sees more of the other grandparents/ aren’t needed so much as expected etc etc

Leave the young to lead their own lives, offer what you can and accept what is wanted and what isn’t and for goodness sake stop expecting it to be your life x 2

Madgran77 Fri 08-Feb-19 07:02:51

I find it interesting that Izabellas post appears so far to have been read as referring only to grandparents feelings of jealousy, childishness,not being fair, imagined hurt etc! I am not sure if she was only referring to grandparents or not! But my observation would be that yes we ARE all different and that I have observed the behaviours described by not just grandparents but also by those who are apparently speaking on behalf of parents of grandchildren!! I have also observed quite remarkable levels of intolerance from some members of both generations!

There again I have also observed great wisdom and kindness from many posters of both generations!! Bit like real life really!

tanith Fri 08-Feb-19 07:10:28

When I read some of those type of threads all I can think is it’s all about ME ME ME! and nothing to do with the child/children. My feelings My hurt pride it’s all very silly and childish as others have already said.

mcem Fri 08-Feb-19 08:13:57

Interesting that this thread appeared after I've spent a couple of days pondering on these threads.
So many of them. So much stress. So many egocentric posters.

Yes it does work both ways but it's predominantly grumbling grannies.
I've decided that if (god forbid) everything goes belly-up with either of my much-loved DiLs I shall not inflict my moans and demands for sympathy on GN.

The (same old) problems are presented. The (usually sensible) solutions are offered. The op returns, ignores the advice given so far but embroiders the tale of woe.
Occasionally we see someone post to appreciate the advice given but more often the op simply departs in a huff.

From now on I shall hit the Hide this Discussion button as soon as I see "Inlaw" in the heading?

Abuelamia Fri 08-Feb-19 08:16:23

Thank goodness for such a sensible thread. With you all the way Izabella and agnurse I cannot believe some of the pettiness and foot stamping witnessed over the last few weeks, over either perceived or actual slights. Love, cherish and enjoy your gc they grow up fast, don’t waste that time checking out what the other gps may or may not be doing.

Iam64 Fri 08-Feb-19 08:23:05

Izabella, I appreciate the way you connected what I see as self absorbed moaning to the dreadful life threatening events we see daily on our tv screens.
I don't say that counting our blessings should exclude us from having the odd grumble but the level of moaning entitlement seen on some posts is mind blowing.

Family life has always been the place where we learn how to live, how to make relationships. Reading some posts on forums would have us thinking maybe there's a better way to bring up the next generation. (By the way, I don't believe there is)

PECS Fri 08-Feb-19 08:54:39

Is it because there are people whose whole world is quite small so what happens in it carries greater importance? Or maybe some folk are either a) very focused on being in control, b) hooked on life not being fair or c) are incredibly immature in emotional intelligence?
There will, of course, be people with genuine cause for feeling hurt or badly done by but there does appear a disproportionate number on GN compared to my friends and acquaintances in RL.

Newmom101 Fri 08-Feb-19 08:59:35

I think sites like these are very unrepresentative of the general population though. People who come here are more likely to have family problems and are looking for somewhere to get advice/vent (like myself!). I also think there are lots of mother/daughter issues. I think it's a power struggle. And sometimes mothers/MILs who are used to being the 'matriarch' in charge, having to adjust to someone else being 'in charge', don't handle it well. My mom was one of those, she was a nightmare when I had DD and I'm sure would treat a DIL the same.

But she's always been like that, she sees her children almost as possessions, and her grandchildren as an extension of that. She's always said I 'had' to have children as it wouldn't be fair for her to not be a grandparent. When I had my first boyfriend and was getting to know his mom she told me (very seriously) 'I will share you but she's not having you'. She's just a controlling person by nature.

I think with male family rivalry we are less likely to hear about it as they're less likely to come to sites like this (as we know from mental health stats, men are less likely to share issues).

I think that when children get partners and then have children it's normal for there to be a period of things being a bit tense as people get used to the new dynamics in the family. Especially if an in-law is very different in attitudes to the family. But in most families these are resolved quite quickly. When there's longstanding issues I think it's more likely due to controlling or self-centred personalities.

Madgran77 Fri 08-Feb-19 09:03:31

Well "grumbling grannies" would probably predominate on a site for grandparents! But those who put the other side often seem to display the same characteristics!

I am amazed by some posts from both sides to be honest! But I also dislike generalisations. And there ARE some very valid expressions of worry/concern etc that are sometimes very unkindly responded to! But also wisdom and thoughtfulness from some as well

Urmstongran Fri 08-Feb-19 09:08:50

What a welcome & timely post Izabella! And such a good response BlueBelle. I’m with you all the way.

In response to your post Izabella I wonder if the fact that we have social media (texts, WhatsApp, Instagram etc) enables these moaners and ranters and actually gives a platform to vent which is something our grandparents and parents didn’t have access to.

M0nica Fri 08-Feb-19 09:09:54

Izabella you beat me to it! I was just wondering about a thread on this theme. Then PECS, you said my next approach, but better than I would have.

What does bother me is with all these 'vexatious litigants', is that I am worried I might end up suffering from passion fatigue and finding that next time someone with a real and difficult problem comes on board, I will skip over it thinking 'Oh God, not another', when this time that 'another' really and truly is in need of advice and support.

Luckygirl Fri 08-Feb-19 09:13:30

Having spent 30 years as a SW I always ask myself why someone is behaving as they are; and on the so-called "grumbling grannies" threads I guess that the OP feels vulnerable so lashes out and does the bossy act as a defence. Something must have cause them to think and behave like that. They seem so needy - such a shame as they miss out on so much joy with their GC. I find the posts very sad. And some beyond belief TBH.

lemongrove Fri 08-Feb-19 09:17:07

Excellent post on this subject PECS

megan123 Fri 08-Feb-19 09:25:58

There is awful suffering in the world and we see it daily on the television. Not sure how you can relate this to the people who are coming on here to let off steam, having a knee jerk reaction to something, and waiting for someone to put a different perspective on things. Are you suggesting that they think about that before feeling upset about something and posting on here.

I think people do get upset about some things others wouldn't, that is life and sometimes the smallest thing can get feel huge to someone.

I thought that was what this forum was about, to write and ask an opinion, maybe I was wrong.

Auntieflo Fri 08-Feb-19 09:31:00

Izabella thanks for taking the lid off this simmering subject. Like several other posters, I had wondered whether to say anything, but really was concerned whether I would have my head blown off.
We know our children are only ‘lent’ to us, and most of us do our level best in difficult circumstances.
I also think that some grandparents, maybe do have such a restricted life, that they need to be in control of their families, and cannot, will not, see the hurt they are causing.
Good points from the above posters. Thank you

PECS Fri 08-Feb-19 09:33:23

megan123 You are right of course. I have started threads when in need of a range of opinions to help me think about a problem. The concern is that some people only want to hear confirmation of their own opinion and get angry & upset if others speak honestly about what they feel might help. If you ask a question you need to be able to hear the answers!

March Fri 08-Feb-19 09:49:21

It's so sad. There's a few threads I've read when OP has made 'a silly mistake/little mistake/silly thing' and hurt her adult child and go on to say how upset they are that they have been treated like that.
Just say sorry! It's not a dirty word. If you've upset someone no matter how 'silly/little' it is for you, it might be something bigger for them.

Or the amount of threads where the OP is tearing shreds off somone then say something like 'I don't know what their problem is with me' maybe it's because they know how you feel about them.