Daughter’s will and how to deal with it

I think it's nice that they have included you in the invitation as well as your daughter, probably they sense she may feel a bit uncomfortable without her husband being there so have made it easier for her to accept and obviously want her to be there. You don't say if you normally attend other family occasions with her inlaws, but if you don't I think this is their way of putting her at her ease by having her own mum with her as well.
Rather than make an excuse not to go, I think she should be gracious about it and you should both go.
I expect lots of us have had to attend things that we would rather not have gone to, but sometimes you have to make an extra effort for other people.

I tjink she is being unkind but if she really cant cope with that kind of meeting May be she could say that you will be visiting that day and ask if you can go too. We all have to do things that we don't want to sometimes and putting in laws above herself on a birthday is one of those times unless she has a condition that makes social interaction a serious problem in which case the in laws need to be informed so that they can be understanding.

Sorry. Missed the but about them including you.

I think its a shame your daughter is reluctant to go to the meal. I think you need to clarify exactly why she doesn't want to go. You should not let her use you as an excuse and it would be a shame if you missed out on the event. If there is a valid reason for her not going then this needs to be explained to her in laws. Otherwise I agree with others, we all have to do things for our families which are not what we would choose but its nice to please others.

Rocknroll5me. You sound very reasonable to me. My mother used to use me as an excuse so it was the other way round for me. I would not allow your daughter to use you like this. Try not to get "heavy" about it but just say you don't really want to and you're trying to think of how to deal with the journey to the Seaside on Mothering Sunday as the drive both ways is now too much.

If you do what she wants, against your will, on this occasion she will ask you again, and again, and again.... I was horribly upset by my mother's manipulations which always involved letting down other people. I still am and she died 7 years ago! So don't let the bad practice start. If DD doesn't go to the party just go yourself! You can be friends with inlaws despite the children! I was such good friends with my daughter's MIL! Good luck!

My DD would be the same as your DD; her MIL is a very strange woman with a husband (not FIL who is deceased) who, the first time I met him years ago, was highly offensive. However, whatever she is like, I have encouraged my daughter to do what I consider is her duty but it isn't a happy relationship so I now advise her to be kind in her refusal of family invitations. I think she should only attend the most important ones and be gracious. I'm just not sure that gracious is in her vocabulary as she wears her emotions visibly!

Fountainpen it sounds to me like they wouldn't understand. They are sociable and expect everyone else to be. I feel sorry for DiL.

It might be rude and offensive for your SIL to miss the lunch if he was in town (though if this is for his step-father, maybe he's not so enthusiastic?) but it is not rude for his wife to decline the invitation in his absence.

Since there are no children involved, your DD is in no way obligated to visit her ILs without her husband.

And no, one does not become "part of the husband's family" on marriage. A man is supposed to leave his parents and start his own family. He and his wife do not just become an extension of his parents. They do not own their DIL.

Thank you all. She isn’t shy. She just is not sociable. She gives tea to her in laws every Sunday. I too think she should just do it.

I would tell my daughter that if she wants to be so inconsiderate as to refuse her parents'-in-laws invitation, that is her business, but that you intend to accept your invitation from them. There is no reason you both should be rude and inconsiderate, is there?

Perhaps I'm being dense, but what has the outing to the seaside to do with the lunch invitation?

I see her most days and will let you know how I get on. I haven’t had an invite yet btw. When the in laws had their 80th they sent us elaborate invites a year ahead. I must say I quite like their brass and sense of importance. DD is fed up with it.

It was on the Sunday visit yesterday that she was informed of their plans and that I would be invited...she messaged and phoned me to say can’t we go to seaside instead...?

I don't really go to my in laws without DH.

If she doesn't want to go, then no point forcing it. Just be polite and tell her to decline saying they'll meet up when DH has returned.

It is not a question of 'obligation', it is a question of courtesy, good manners and consideration of other people.

You might like it Rocknroll but daughter clearly doesn't. I wish she was brave enough to say no. The problem will crop up again. She needs to learn to be assertive.

They sound like very nice people. Their son is away and can't make the meal, so they have invited their DIL but sensing she may be uncomfortable on her own without their DS there, they've invited you, her parents. That's considerate and caring in my view. Considering how 'she' will feel. A lot of in laws would see the son being away as a good excuse not to bother with his wife.

I would go. They won't go away so it's far better to all get on and not rock the boat. It seems your DD doesn't feel as comfortable in their company as in her own families' company. You never do really do you. But you do have to consider your partner and to snub his parents would be hurting him.

But it’s a birthday lunch not a big party or big gathering Martha it sound like half a dozen family members round a table and she’d have her mum with her Surely even the shyest person could manage that even if you leave soon after the meals over its disrespectful to go off on a jolly to avoid it in my opinion

If she doesn't want to go, why should she. I doubt if she'll be missed. It sounds like it will be quite a big family gathering. She should say, "Thanks but I'll give it a miss this time".

Why do you want to go?

What gives her husband the right to insist that she goes? She might be married but he doesn't own her. Not in this day and age.

Im not a social butterfly and hate "forced" events but also would go. Its the kind thing to do since their son cant be there to make them feel like "that side" of the family care about his birthday. She could go on the condition that when he IS home next time, he goes without her?

What gives her husband the right to insist that she goes? She might be married but he doesn't own her. Not in this day and age.

Where does it say he has?

Somewhere the OP says he would have insisted if he was going to be there.

Perhaps you could go on your own as you seem so keen. But I know who I would support. Its not up to parents to tell adult children what they should do. She's not a child.

To be honest if she wants to "opt out" of being a member of her DHs family she can. But she cant have it both ways, if she doesnt want to be there for them she has to be prepared for them to be naturally more supportive and generous towards their other ILs and same goes for any children she may have: if she distances hetself from her ILs she cannot later be surprized if they later do more for other GC compaired to hers.

There are great benefits to nurturing a good relationship with your ILs. If you opt out of that dont expect then to not appear to favour their other ILs

And if she isnt interested in being there for them she needs to just say no thank you. & not pretend that she would go except for "excuse"