Daughter’s will and how to deal with it

& she also shouldnt expect her Dh to keep making an effort with you/your family/her friends if she wont make an effort with his.

If thats okay with her, fine! But she cant have it both ways AND he would not be wrong to be upset that she shows little interest in supporting the things that matter to him.

Why is your DD so against socialising with her in-law She? Does she not like them, or does she not socialise at all? I have no suggestions to make, sorry!

I'm sure your darling daughter would be horrified to read this thread.

What if something were to "happen" to the in laws they became very ill suddenly (or even worse)! at 80 odd she may not getting too many chances at "not wanting to go" if you get my drift.

Your daughter should surely make an effort with her in-laws.... there going to be a part of her life for a long while. You as her mum should be helping and encouraging her to overcome these quite debilitating social problems. Try not to encourage her negativity. They have been kind enough to invite you both and I think you should both go. Letting her ‘get away’ with this sort of avoidance is not helping her, in fact it could be enabling her to duck her familial responsibilities. I don’t know whether she has kids but this sort of thing is the stuff that gets picked up by them and copied behaviour. Laying up trouble for future generations.She needs help to ‘get over herself’ as they say these days....not molly-coddling. My husband is a disaster socially and has refused all but the most pressing invitations. My life has been stunted and blighted by his dislike of social occasions. I call it selfishness . If she makes the effort now it will be all the better for her and any future kids she has.

Daughter should be honest. If she doesn't want to go, then shr should say so.
You shouldn't get involved in giving her a fake excuse not to go.

Saggi mother is not letting her 'get away with it'. As I said she's not a child. Fair enough if mother doesn't want to lie. But honestly a small lie to stop her daughter having to go. What a fuss! She makes tea for the ILs every week so she doesn't have a 'debilitating social problem' as Saggi suggests. And keep in with them so that they will be generous to any grandchildren? That did make me laugh. I would hope they're not like that. I rarely see some of my gc but I treat them all the same. And I would not tell my grownup daughter or sons what to do.

Goodness. Your DD is an adult and can manage her own social life. If she doesn’t want to go she shouldn’t go. If you want to go, you should. It’d be nice if you’d do your DD the favor and let her make a kind excuse but it seems you either enjoy your daughters dislike of her ILs or making her feel uncomfortable and forcing her to be blunt and telling them she isn’t interested. It’s troubling you feel you have any business telling a grown woman who hasn’t asked for your advice how you think she needs to interact with others.

I would just go to the birthday lunch and leave it up to your DD whether she goes or not.

I'm the least sociable person ever; I avoid, at all costs, any forced social activity. But I'm honest with people. If I'm invited and I don't want to go, I just thank them for their kind invitation, and say that I won't be able to attend. I don't lie about it by making up an excuse; that's what immature people do. And I certainly wouldn't involve anyone else in the deception. Time for your daughter to grow up, accept the way she is about these events and deal with it like an adult; don't lie about having to be somewhere else.

An invitation is not a summons. I wouldn't agree with lying for DD, but advising her that if she doesn't want to go, she should just tell them it doesn't work for her. She doesn't owe them an explanation.

One thing I think is being overlooked here is that I believe it's DD's birthday. Why should she have to give up HER special day for something she won't enjoy? Her birthday is about her. I recognize that SFIL has a birthday too, but I doubt it would be entirely ruined just because ONE person didn't show up.

My husband is high-functioning autistic. We don't attend most large extended family events, mainly because I know he won't enjoy it and it will be too much for him.

agnurse The OP states that it's the step father who is celebrating his birthday; it doesn't mention OPs daughter's birthday at all. So the celebrations are nothing to do with "her special day"; she's simply been invited to attend, that's all. And if she doesn't want to go, she just needs to say so and stop with the subterfuge.

'Enforced sociability' - what does that mean? Does it mean they force her into being sociable somehow, make her feel guilty if she doesn't socialise with them? Not clear on this... but all I will say, as someone who dislikes groups of any sort, who is no longer sociable and happy to be so, that we all have a right to be as we are, trueto ourselves. I know only too well how awful it is to be forced into social occasions, to act as others expect you. When you get to a certain point in your life and decide for once, to allow the real you to come out, you feel so much better. And if those around you don't like how you live, that is there problem and not yours. As someone cleverer than me said, be yourself, everyone else is taken.

Thanks all again. Especially Gonegirl and annepl. Well when I met DD yesterday afternoon she had already decided that I could/should go but she was going to be busy. She totally understood all the sides, and thinks I am mad going. Her main concern is that I will be throwing myself into the company of his relatives at a carvery. Something I hate, not having eaten meat for 18 years. My link with him is very tenuous... there are no grandchildren. I told her I would feel uncomfortable not going if I was invited. I have not heard directly from them. I think this is all the invite I am going to get...oh gawd. Sil’s mother was not at all phased that he was not going to be there but expected DD and me to be We think she likes to be represented at meals as her husband always gets his family to attend. So no prob now with DD and I will decide in time whether or not I will go.
(Perhaps on my birthday I could invite them to vegetarian restaurant and say don’t worry there is a meat eaters option of shepherds pie. )

Mom. Shepherds pie. Now you're talking. ?

Oh God. I've just remembered. I'm supposed to be setting up a big pub lunch for the family for this Sunday. Haven't got round to it yet, probably cos I cba (can't be arsed).

Granny is beginning to let the side down in her later years. ?

Well I'm glad it's resolved without you having to lie Rocknroll. And hopefully your daughter can now handle future similar situations.
I'm sorry I was a bit rude sometimes. I think because of my own daughter I got a bit emotional.
Its a pity about son in laws mother not having family there but it's not your or your daughter's responsibility (imo).
I do hope you have a good time if you decide to go.. I'm sure there will be a vegetarian option. You could enquire with the restaurant.

Glad to hear this has been resolved, Rockenroll! I so know how you feel. It just seems kinder and, well, more "politically" wise to go if invited to ils. An invitation isn't a summons, however, as agnurse pointed out, so no one has to go. Some women just aren't comfortable around their ils without their dh there. That might be the case with dd. If I were you, I'd think twice about attending a meat meal, unless I brought my own food or was assured there would be vegetarian options. It;s/not like you have to give them a legnthy reason or anything like that, If you go, though, I hope you have a good time!

I think we come from an era when you did your duty and didn't question it. Young people today have been brought up to listen to their own instincts and we've given them their voice to say that they don't want to do it. I'm not sure which is the better way but I am glad you have got it sorted, Rocknroll5me.

Of course she doesnt have to go. Its a bit of a cop out to be "busy" and TBH people respond better to "no thank you, Im not good at parties but hope you have a lovely day" but whatever.

I do hope however she isnt going to have double standards about this when it comes to her DH and her own family and friends, and also her expectations of what her ILs will do for her and her DH.......

I'm not saying your daughter is depressed but it definitely could be a reason for her not wanting to go out to a gathering. It's much easier to just stay away. Also if she doesn't want to go why should she feel forced into it. That won't make a happy lunch.x

I agree with you Luluaugust ,people do seem to take against in laws straight away nowadays, & on mumsnet they can't abide their mother in law no matter what!

Rocknroll the seaside thing. Can you not stay over at daughters?

Hi all. Well last night I received an ansaphone message from d’s MIL so I think that is the invite so I will ring after breakfast. I will probably accept. It’s not that far away and not for very long ... there are far worse things. Thanks again for your advice.
And the seaside thing? well with hubby being away she’d have the land rover for all the dogs and we could go to our favourite dog beach in the north east and then have fish and chips in Saltburn. (I eat fish) I’ll think of that as I smile at his relatives who will wonder why I am there. I fear I am not old fashioned enough and therefore will go. I could ask her if she would mind if DD and I didn’t go so we could go out.. see above......these people are so tough they got thrown out of their bridge club ! It’ll be OK. Bless you all