Feeling lost

Maybe give it another try before the final decision

I have known someone who was glad she divorced (and we were all glad for her - she was married to a selfish, self-centred man who seemed to see her only as someone to provide services for him, and with no needs of her own). I also know someone who says it was the worst thing she ever did and that it would have been better to try to inject some fun and novelty into her marriage (3 years on, she's very lonely). But the choice has to be yours (and his).

Could you not separate and live apart for a while, or is that out of the question financially?

I was married for 3 months short of 40 years.
I simply wanted the single life again after our children left home and his working away so long and so often made me self reliant. I enjoyed it being just me and the children.
No bad feelings, we are good, loving friends who still meet up 2/3 times a year with our AC,GC and GGC. Neither has married since.
You need to do what your instinct tells you. Life isn't a rehearsal.
Good luck. You can do it.

Hello Star Turtle
I am a couple therapist and as other posters have suggested, it might be worth giving couple therapy a try.
It isn’t always about staying together, but can help to think about the best and healthiest way to part.
Good luck.

How about relate counselling? It sounds like you're not at all sure separation is right for you long term

Starturtle Yes it is scary at first but after years, in my case 13 on and off and even after divorcing twice going back. In the end enough was enough, after selling up and moving the relief was wonderful. If a relationship works it works, in my opinion. We divorced in 2006 and the final contact was 2013, six years later I have since moved again but it has been a wonderful six years of adventures ie making new friends taking up new hobbies and never imagined in a hundred years my life in retirement was going to be that good. In 2017 I met the 'love of my life' who is everything I I ever dreamed of 'best friend' took up my hobby so he could share that as well as retaining his hobby. We both love dancing and that is something I have loved since I was 15. I honestly wouldnt be any happier if I won the Lottery. Go for it Starturtle life is too short and enjoy the adventures.

Just what I was thinking, Gonegirl. You both have feelings for each other. Can’t you just live together, in separate rooms, maybe. Given the chance, I would have done that when my husband left me.

So what is the nature of the problem here? No longer feel passionate love? Normal as a relationship matures. No longer have shared interests? Doesn't matter - make new friends to share new interests with, then go home to your "best friend". No longer feel like sex with this particular man? More complicated, but some people lose sexual interest in anyone they live with for any time - which is actually an instinct left over from our animals selves which prevented too much inbreeding. Or maybe he just got fat and unattractive. Or maybe he feels the same and is quite happy to go on living with you as just friends.

I hope you have explored everything.

Did not see the word love come into this. When I married I was' in love', but not the kind of love you would have for a parent or child.
I am sure I am not alone in believing that this initial kind of love does not last.
As the years go by, still loving the person you married, but not quite in the same way when you first married and you begin to see 'issues' arising that you would have ignored in the early years . It takes love, not passionate early days love when you couldn't wait to see him kind of love but to accept what your partner may have become or maybe they were always this way but which you had ignored during your' in love' years.
Can you see yourself in the future without your husband ?
I am of the opinion you need an appointment with Relate and on your own. You will then have a clearer picture and whether still determined to make the break.

Gone girl there is a very good saying. A friend is better than a lover...if he was your best friend. Then don’t lose him..loving someone does not mean having a sexual relationship so unless sex was the problem! You can love him with the deep love of a friend....let’s face it. Women of a certain age are not sex mad...men ...now they are a different species (haha) I am not suggesting that you are of a certain age because you were married for such a short time but a friend would be very easy to live with

NOT a vote for Relate here. In hindsight I think I would still be with the love of my life if only the counsellor had asked the right questions and reminded us of when and how and when got together etc . He offered nothing constructive. It was 35 yrs ago so yes I guess things will have changed.

My gut feeling is that if you’ve tried living apart and got back together several times and it still hasn’t worked, then you’re not meant to be together. I divorced my husband after not far short of 30 years together - he actually left me, but I did the divorcing. It is very difficult but the hard times are temporary and I’ve found that with the support of true friends and of close family members it’s possible to move on and be happy as a single, independent woman. Make sure your finances are in order and perhaps spend some time renting until you decide where you want to be. It’s also important to get to know yourself again. I know from experience that it’s far better to be happy on your own than with someone you’re not truly fulfilled with. All the best and let us know how things go.

It's not necessarily going to be the right decision or the wrong decision......but it will be a decision. The indecision of splitting up and getting back together is living in an unreal and distruptive life of highs and lows.
In the end it is very hard to see things clearly especially if you are still friends. Being 'friends' doesn't necessaily mean you have a happy marriage. Immediately I divorced and the tension went out of the awful few years beforehand we became much better friends......but I definitely didn't want to be married to my ex husband.
Good luck with whichever decision you make.

Zarina I have been married for fiftyfour years, with no sign of divorce in the near future.

You have the wrong poster there.

But I do agree wholeheartedly with your post. My old feller is my best friend.

I was in your situation 2years ago and feeling exactly like you are to. My friends told me to keep reminding myself why we made that decision because if you go back those issues will still be there then your only prolonging the inevitable. We are all scared of looking ahead especially if it’s on our own but trust me no one was more scared than me. I’m now so glad I didn’t go back he would still have me back to this day and that’s what plays games with your head. Baby steps and you will look back and realise it was the right thing to do. I wrote myself a list of things I wanted to do/ achieve in the first year and that helped keep me focused. You can do this if that’s what you want. The big wide world is not as scary as you think.x

Change is often scaring, but you can go ahead a make a new life for yourself.

Please consider why you have chosen to split up and whether if your husband came back he would be willing to change the reasons for your splitting up. If not, can you continue your marriage as it was?

If not, try to find a way to start being on your own. Good luck.

It will help if you are remaining civil, can you still be just friends for support ? Take one step at a time, sorting the house out etc, make yourself lists and targets, and get your family and friends to help you cope with the changes. Once the practicalities are under way, write yourself a bucket list and follow your heart and your dreams. See if there’s “over 50’s Meet Up” groups in your area, they do loads of different things. Look online at all the holiday Companies that cater for single women. I loved owning my own place and being able to decorate and buy what I wanted, do whatever I wanted etc It’s your life from here on out so make the most of every single minute and welcome your freedom and independence.

So is mine, gone girl but it also means I have to take onboard a lot of ideas of former years
He was efficient in his professional career but , on retirement, finds it difficult to accept that I am not staff and, therefore, there to be instructed
Systems have changed. We moved so much that I was unable to take on any long term graduate career. I must pretend to accept his instructions and he feels responsible for keeping me. Autre temps, etc

I agree that it might be worth giving it another go -if he's your best friend that's a very big plus. People do change, of course. ~But I think it's so often the case that both partners regret splitting eventually. Old cliche - marriage needs working at - but probably true. All the best.

do you want him to hold you or do you no longer want his physical contact

If he is willing to come back, and you seem to be having doubts, then perhaps this isn't the right decision. Life is ever changing and almost always requires compromise.

My suggestion is to talk again with each other, with honesty.

Are you still in love with him. Would you be happy to live without him? I would live apart for a while and see how things go but if there's no physical contact and you only see him as a best friend then it's time to part.

what does your husband think? have you asked him? is there any chance he would stay? you sound unsure .if not is there a friend or relative that would be company for you. I cant really say what to do ,as I kicked my verbally abusive partner out after 6 years having known him for 12. get some advice .counselling. would your husband go to...