Future daughter In law

I believe some bakeries only produce 6000 cookies a day?- do you own one is that why they asked for this?

Having just seen my son get married to a wonderful woman, I can say that my experience was a good one.

I was asked to contribute, but I did so on my terms. I decided what I could and could not provide and when the request became too much I simply said it was not possible. There was no quibble, just understanding.

I suggest you tell them what is possible and what is not. If you give, you should give willingly and not be resentful.

It seems to me that from your post that whatever you do will not be enough, so you decide what you want to do. You will at least be happy with what you provided. xx

I think you have 3 choices :

1. Lots of parents love to be involved in helping to organise a wedding . A willingness to pay something towards the wedding needs to " qualify " you for some input and involvement . Saying things like " need to know " basis and not telling you the expected numbers of guests sounds rather like your involvement is not wanted.

2. The story so far suggests that this is all proving quite upsetting for you. To avoid further distress you could offer to agree to pay a fixed sum with no strings attached - ie they can do with it what they like but they need to know that you are not getting any more .

You don't say when the wedding is expected - maybe there is time for positions and attitudes to change ?

It will be hard for you to back out of the specific request for the cookies but unless " hostilities " don't improve maybe you should consider rejecting any further requests and point out how hurt you feel by being excluded.

I get on with my DIL (wife of eldest son) but my middle child ( nxt eldest son) has moved in with a woman who we dont know so much( who seems a bit 'flaky') and shes already changed him from being a ' close to his family' type of guy to hardly bothering to ring/ txt/ visit any of us, even his siblings to whom he was very close previously- i shudder to think what will happen if he decides to marry her

I'd get a baker to do 6000 cookies and give the family the bill or go halves. That is far too much to ask of anyone. Good luck

For my DDs we allocated a sum (allowed for inflation as time difference between weddings) and let them get on with it. The amount would have funded a small wedding, medium if added to by the happy couple or sizeable if matched by the in-laws - or they could have eloped and used it towards a deposit. I was happy to help with making the cake, prepping favours, advice where asked etc but gave no more money than that promised. I don’t know why more people don’t do this - avoids being an interfering mother of the bride and the couple having to keep coming cap in hand for extras- also they get the day they want!

I should also point out that my sons girlfriend makes sure that they DO bother with her family, on a regular basis, having them round & meals out with them etc.

You don't mention whether you have agreed to pay anything or not. Nowadays most young people don't expect the parents to pay, and honestly in our culture it has always been the bride's parents who paid, not the bridegroom's.

If you are going to bake anything, you need to know how many people will be at the reception.

I think I would have a quiet word with my son and let him know that I was hurt by his future in-laws' attitude, but don't comment on his fiancée's rudeness.

A lot of couples these days do pay for a lot of, if not all, of a wedding as parents of the couple dont have as much 'spare cash' as they used to- or they contribute what they can- also means the couple can have whatever they like if theyre paying for it themselves

Im sure armed with all this gransnetters advice you can hopefully find a middle ground- try to have a lovely day whatever you all do.( oh and as a bunch of flowers is usual for BOTH mother of bride AND mother of groom,suggest you either both do without if theyre saving costs- or you BOTH recieve a small bunch rather than a big bouquet??)

"Mother son dance"?
What fresh Hell is this?

USA? Very probably. I'd just let them get on with it and let bride and your son pay for the shortfall.
Personally, with their attitude, I wouldn't pay for or bake anything. It's 2 people getting married, not a hundred other people who are only there for the food and drink.

Nannan, I was not being rude. If you look at some peoples comments there are some rude ones, such as Maxdecatt saying Mommie should tell them to get stuffed. You did not complain then, so why pick on me?

Dear Mommie6. I'm so sorry to hear how horrible these wedding plans are for you and how rude and selfish your future D-I-L is being and her mother. As for the "need to know basis'' expression, that would have pushed me over the edge. I think you can safely say that you are either fully included and given all the facts and a meeting held to discuss the plans or you are not prepared to pay anything at all.
When you said "get a dress" was that for the bride? Because the MIL does not buy the Bride's dress! Only under very different circumstances might it happen. This Bride-to-be has a family, she goes to them to buy her dress! These can cost £1,000 in the UK. Please - please do not agree to pay for anything, not to bake one cookie, until you are included in all the arrangements. And 1,000 cookies? Are you a professional cook/caterer? If not, tell her to go to one. The extent to which they are using you to fund this grand event makes it quite reasonable for you to be involved in the arrangements. And please learn to say "NO!" your son or not, you must start as you mean to go on. This girl is a very spoiled and 'entitled' girl. Show her now you are 1) not her wallet, 2) you are your own boss and 3) she/her family cannot order you around. Be commanding. Speak like a CEO. Have authority in your voice. Do not let them bully you. Make them aware that you are a person of stature with whom they cannot meddle and whom they treat with respect or do not get anywhere. If you do not feel like this (not many of us do) just pretend to be an important CEO and important authority figure type. People treat you how you teach them to - by the messages you give out. Do it calmly and quietly but very firmly. You do not take orders from them or anybody! It will be happier for you in years to come if she learns this from the beginning.

Btw, I am a widow. My three daughters and their husbands paid for their own Weddings. All I did was get my own outfit and buy their presents. They did not ask for a thing but I did bake cakes for my middle daughter as she did all her own catering. So you should not feel at all obliged to find all this money. Most young people fund their own Wedding these days. It is partly why they live together first and marry later! I realise that is not what everyone can do, but it does tell you that today, very many young people do not expect their parents to pay for their Wedding.

Does she say "Please? Thank you?"

Weddings, eh?!

I know it is ridiculous but I am still smarting fifteen years after one of ours....

We were very happy to be pay for the usual: dress, catered marquee wedding (big do) with drink overflowing but expected the 'other side' to pay for the standard car, flowers and photographer. Considering the scale of this event, it was relatively little but nope, not a penny was offered or given.

The smarting comes from the fact that the wedding was held in 'the other side's enormous grounds (OK, they contributed their garden!) but guess who was thanked during the speeches for the lovely affair and who took all the credit - whilst doing nothing and paying for nothing? Not us. Prepping things the day before - nope, it was me whilst they and their house full of guests scoffed our wine (stored in their house for the wedding) in the run up to the day - without asking. Grrr. Even picking up glasses etc., left around acres of grass the following day(s), barely one. Oh, wedding photographer? No, not a bean towards that, either.

I know you'll tell me to get a life but I can't tell my daughter or her lovely husband how upset I was (and still am). A third world problem. I know I need to let this go but it really does rankle.

I bet I am not alone and there are others who feel just as used and if Mommie 6 doesn't want to feel as I do years later, she should sit down with the 'other side' and try to discuss who should do what, pay for what and ask exactly how she is expected to make 6,000 cookies just before a wedding!

Mommie6 could speak directly to the other mother and try to form a relationship with her (although I did and it didn't work). Perhaps she'll be successful....

Will anyone be able to dance after 6000 cookies I am hoping that was a typo.

Btw, if you don't know how many people are attending, you don't know how many bags to get do you.

Not sure about this post.

sarahcyn

In Britain its traditional for the Father of the bride to pay for the wedding and associated costs. That's what to tell her and her Mother.

6000 cookies? Blimey!

Do they not realise you may actually have a life where there are other things that definitely take priority over endlessly baking bluddy cookies?

And sounds overall a bit pushy, IMHO.

Dear Nannan2. In my experience this is what is commonly now called a "red flag" for a certain type of controlling person who separates their partner from his/her family and friends. Your son might be experiencing other changes in his life and losses of control over his own decisions and what he does etc. I would advise that you just keep in touch with the same kind of messages and phone calls as always. Do not suggest that you are worried. Maybe say you'd like to see him as it's been a while, because that's a normal thing to say. But even if he never answers keep your messages going to him. He needs them. My experience is not merely personal, I was a Psychologist and Counsellor.
If there is nothing to worry about, despite the red flag, then your son still needs your messages! Wishing you much good news soon!

Mommie6. Sorry! misprint - 6,000 cookies!!!!!! I am recoiling .

No!

Well, Mommie6, you haven't come back yet but I hope you get the gist of the general feelings here. You are being taken serious advantage of by some very rude people. Keep hold of your wallet until you are given proper information. If they insist on this "need to know" nonsense, keep your wallet firmly shut!

Mommie6. Sorry again. I find myself confused! Not unusual for me though!
How was it that you were snubbed by the wedding party when going to the Shower?
I think many of us are puzzled concerning the background. Honestly I'm not being nosy! I want to try and help but keep realising that the circumstances are probably different from those I am imagining. Is the date soon? Do you live near the In-Laws? How did you see the wedding party at the shower and who were they that snubbed you? The bride, her mother and mother's friend? I am not quite sure why they are "the Bridal Party". Where were you at the time?
I apologise for being rather slow at understanding. It sounds very horrible for you. When you say "we" is that your husband and you, or your son and you?
I think you need some support. Your son, difficult though it may be for him, might have to speak up for you. They seem to be bullying you.
A bit more background, if you would be happy to give it, would really help us to think what you could do.
I am so sorry you are having this happen to you.

She sounds very spoiled and disrespectful to me.
Ensure no money is given until you know how it will be spent or tell them that parents do not pay for sons' weddings only daughters'.
By all means make a contribution if you can afford it but I would cap it and make sure there is not a constant flow of cash.

Also 6000 cookies - tell her to get cooking!