I miss my DiL

My MIL and I had an ok relationship but she lived 70 miles away so did not see her much . When she was widowed she moved to live nearer her son (ex-DH) but it was my adult daughter who helped her. She was often at DD's house and we became good friends. She spent her last Mother's Day with me and my DD plus she never like the woman Ex left me for!

Reading this again, BabyLayla - how lucky XDIL is to have a XMIL who appreciates and cares about her so much! She may be very busy, though, as you say, especially adjusting to her new life. Or she just may not be ready to be around anyone who reminds her of DS right now, sadly, not even a loving XMIL/you. Or she may feel she has to loosen the ties since she hopes to meet someone new eventually. Or... no way to really know. If she doesn't accept your offer to come to dinner or just doesn't respond, please don't take it personally. It's not about you, surely, but about where she is mentally and emotionally right now.

Glad you got to talk to one of the GC, and that XDIL isn't trying to prevent that! Hope you continue to have a relationship w/ them even if XDIL, herself, pulls away. And, no doubt, DS can facilitate your relationship w/ the GC too. (I realize you can't expect too much now, concerning the GC, since they are older and busy w/ their own teenage lives.)

You are certainly allowed to have friends and she can very much be one of them.
When my brother and SiL split up, my mum always kept contact with her DiL - they had a lot in common, came from the same village so knew the same people even if a generation apart!
Unfortunately my brother and second wife (who used to be my SiL's best friend) will not attend any family function if my ex SiL will be there so she stays away and we all miss out, including her 2 daughters and grandchildren!

But yes, in your story, Niucla, it sounds as if the sons are being bullies. It's one thing to express a wish that Mum stay away from XDIL, another to threaten her over it. Horrible!

Ladyjus, it's beautiful that XDIL feels comfortable enough w/ you that she would even bring her new man on a trip w/ you! Bravo to all 3 of you! I trust DS was ok w/ this, too, and didn't resent it?

Speaking of MIL, I had a checkered relationship w/ her, overall. But if DH and I had ever gotten a divorce for any reason, assuming I would have had custody of the GC, I would have kept in touch w/ her for that reason. I wouldn't have done lunch w/ her or anything like that b/c we never had that type of relationship, anyhow. If I became serious about a new man, I may have limited my contact w/ her, depending on how he felt about it.

By the same token, if DD and SIL ever got a divorce, the degree to which my contact w/ him and his relatives would continue would depend largely on how my DD felt about it. And I know that even if she were ok w/ it, that might change once there were a new man in her life.

In fact, I'm sure many otherwise lovely XMILs drop their just- as-lovely XDILs b/c DS would be upset otherwise or so as not to hurt their relationship w/ his new partner. They may not like it, but they have to focus on the current situation. I understand it can be sad, but it doesn't really surprised me. It's great when it can be otherwise, but often it just can't.

Your son has done the dirty so keep in touch with her. Let her know how loved and special she is as I am sure she will feel so down at this present time.

"When my ex eventually came to take the kids our he took them to visit his parents and she had cut me out of all the pictures, so as not to offend his new partner!"

Linsylou, I get that this may have hurt you, but I think it's understandable. Your XMIL needed to focus on her relationship w/ her DS and his new partner and make sure she didn't offend her. Having pix of his X around her home would not be the way to go. Perhaps it would have been better if she put the pix away, even if it meant not having any pix of your GC around for a while? But she probably didn't want to do that.
Do you have pix around of your X or XMIL for your new DH to see? I bet not. Divorce is bound to bring changes, both big and small, and some unexpected. Removing pix is very likely to be one of them.

I guess I relate to this issue especially b/c when I married my DH, apparently, MIL threw away all the pix of his X that they had in the house. DH was angry b/c he felt it was part of his personal history, and I get that - but I loved her for it! MIL and I had our issues over the years, but I was grateful to her for that one gesture.

I had an amazing relationship with my ex mil, when I left her son, she invited me and my young son to live with her, which we did for 6 months until we got on our feet. We remained close for the next 29 years until she died of cancer 2 years ago. I sat with her just before she died and the last thing we said was that we loved each other. I miss her every day. I hope you are able to maintain your dil’s friendship BabyLayla

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Where there are grandchildren, I have, in the past, kept in touch, through cards and presents for all at Christmas and birthday presents and cards for the children; light Facebook contact and the occasional phone call and meeting. I accept that there will be little, if any, acknowledgment of these attempts and that arrangements made may be broken through lack of commitment. I struggle at times when parcels are returned because the ex had not bothered to collect them from the post office. I do it so that the children know we care and because we (had) liked the ex....who it their parent after all...

Definitely an idiot ( I’ve even bumped into friends of his who agree) however he is my son and I love him although I don’t like his behaviour very much.

I’ve felt much better for posting, Thankyou all for listening and responding.
I did text earlier inviting her to dinner but had no reply, she’s possibly working but I had text chat with a GC so cheered me up.
I will always be there for her and so hope she starts dating and meets someone wonderful, she deserves to be valued,

Golly, I don't know if we could untangle the family dynamics if my son and daughter-in-law ever broke up (so it's never going to happen). I'm good friends with daughter-in-law's mother and I work very closely with her step-father. Also, my younger son went to school with, and is a good friend of, my daughter-in-law's brother.

I'm glad that you've been able to continue the relationship BabyLayla, but I suppose it's inevitable that you won't see quite so much of your daughter-in-law as you'd both like. Seems like she knows you care and that's all that really matters.

Don't lose touch with her. What a wonderful mil you are - unlike mine who dumped me as did my first husband.

Have chats, meet up, do what you want to do. It must be so good to have a dil who is also a friend. Xx

I’m very soon going to be in this sad situation.... my daughter and husband are splitting after 12 years. I love him very much and he has no parents now and his only sister lives 300 miles away. This Easter passed I sent my daughter and son in law a joint text message inviting everybody for Sunday lunch and they both answered in the affirmative . A great day was had by all.... especially the kids... oh and he cooked the lamb and brought it with him . I did all the veg and puds. He’s such a good cook. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is there is no reason not to stay in touch with your daughter in law... I will continue to see my SIL... and my daughter agrees. These things can be worked out. Also I promised his mum when she was dying that I would treat him as one of my own .... and I always will.

It's great to read so much praise for our lovely daughters in law.

Why don’t you contact her and say exactly what you have told us. Sounds like your son was an idiot.

Get in touch with her there is no reason you can’t still have a friendship with her.

Why can’t you invite her and the children for Sunday lunch.? My ex had a rather public affair which ended our marriage but my mother in law and I still saw each other for meals, trips out etc. Many years later when she died my ex thanked me for not losing contact with. He said it had meant an awful lot to her.

Keep in touch, good relationships are hard to find and you are still grandma to the children. It will make it easier in the future to still be part of their lives if you have a good relationship with their mum. I miss my late ex-mother in law

I could have written the OP myself. I don't live close enough to see DiL often but she still calls me her MiL and keeps in touch with news about the GC. I wished she could have been with the family for our Easter Day get-together, but both she and my DS are in new relationships and my DS was there with his new partner whom I like very much, but she isn't my DiL.

my ex mil remained on very good terms with me, when her son left me with 3 small chilldren and went off with someone else. I was always very grateful for the contact, and made a point of inviting her round to see her grand-children whenever I could. She even came to my wedding when I remarried! So, for your both your sakes, I hope you can remain in touch with your dil.

Is your son loving and attentive to you? Do you feel you'd have too much to lose if your son turned against you for keeping in touch with his ex? Could you actually ask him how he'd feel about it? Lots of families cope with these extended relationships. I am still in touch with my grandson's mother, but in my case I had nothing to lose anyway since my son is estranged other than two brief "thanks." texts a year when I send him his birthday and xmas gifts.

I have been in your position. I first met elder son's wife when she was 16.- they did not get married until they were in their late 20s. & separated after 11 years of marriage having had 3 children.
I really loved her & I was devastated by the split. His fault entirely.
However they managed to stay on very good terms & I still see her. they live about 30 mins away so I have the children to stay a lot- well not so much now as eldest is 14 but I kept contact all the time. I buy her birthday & Christmas persents & we still get in really well.
It can be done. It does help that she & my son have put their differences aside for the children & they both have new partners although not living with them.
Ring her & ask her to call you when she has time for a coffee. Don't be afraid to tell her you miss her she probably misses you too. She can only say no.
Good luck- I do hope it works out.

I stayed in contact with xdil (no children in the marriage) as I loved her very much. Son had no problem with it but dil2 did and constantly tried to bully me into cutting contact. I refused and state xdil is now put in my 'friend' status and as such is nobody else's business. I understand dil2's insecurities and jealousy and try to re-assure but I will not end friendship with xdil on this basis.

I have a good relationship with my SIL that was. We lost my daughter 9 years ago. He is now married to a lovely lady who is a great Stepmum to my two granddaughters. They live 300 miles away so I rarely see them,There were some marriage problems before we lost my daughter,so he could have been difficult with me,although not my fault. Luckily this isn’t the case.