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Mega grumpy husband

(155 Posts)
kiki2 Sat 04-May-19 10:56:01

My husband of many years is very grumpy and miserable most of the time ; I am now retired and he is always around but doesn’t seem happy to have me for company.
I find it very hard and at times, want to leave as it is so bad.
I don’t feel loved or respected, he puts me down a lot , does not respect my feelings and emotions and doesn’t seem to have any emotions himself.
When I talk to him about it , he denies it , makes some effort but a few days later , we are back to square one.
I am scared of the logistics of leaving plus I don’t think I can afford to , I also worry about what my grown up children would think and whether they would give me the cold shoulder.
There is also an age gap between my husband and me and I don’t think that helps ; he is ageing badly in my opinion , he has bad arthritis in his wrists but won’t seek medical help , just moans about his condition,
He is obsessional about his main hobby , bellringing , but doesn’t seem to care about me.
I am not from this country originally and I miss my family and country but he doesn’t seem to understand that either .
I do feel at the end of my tether and don’t know what to do ; as I said earlier I have tried many times to talk to him but he denies his behaviour.
Any advice would be appreciated , thank you .

notentirelyallhere Sat 04-May-19 12:52:32

How does anyone know what would be 'worse'? The challenge when you post is to express what you're feeling in a few words. Kiki has said she's not a native of this country, maybe she's a little stressed at expressing herself. If someone comes on here with a problem, lashing out because you yourself have a problem isn't going to help anyone. There are often kind and helpful threads that develop from a post that is a request for help, quite why Kiki has come in for wrath I really don't know.

Luckygirl Sat 04-May-19 13:03:30

I really do think the answer for you is to develop your own life. Do things that bring you joy and satisfaction. You cannot change your OH, so just live your life as you wish.

I really do think that being with one partner for life is a big ask. When that idea came in people died sooner!

People move on and change, and you just need to be true to who you are and do what you need to do.

My OH has changed enormously, particularly recently, and I am currently at home with him most of the time because he is so disabled and ill and cannot be left. He has no conversation other than his sorry situation and pains etc. and, whilst I am sympathetic, I do need to break free a bit so that this does not fill my every waking moment. I do take every opportunity to pursue my own interests that bring me some fulfilment. I run a choir, which meets at my house; I do some design work on the computer; and when the carers are here, or a DD, then I get out and about, even if it is for a brief period.

You do not have to feel shackled by his choices; I am a bit shackled as he cannot be left on his own, but you are not in that situation and can get out and about. Seize that opportunity - you do not know what is around the corner!

Gonegirl Sat 04-May-19 13:05:07

Have you talked to your adult children about this? Perhaps they could visit more, or take you out sometimes. Contrary to the opinions of most on Gransnet, I do believe that our offspring have some duty of care towards us. I don't mean you should expect to come first with them, but they could give you a helping hand.

EllanVannin Sat 04-May-19 13:11:44

Having a sense of humour helps in many ways. My late husband was the worlds worst at times for his moaning and grumpiness but we laughed our way through it.
I appreciate that people are different and have different views about life in general as well as being humerous with it but it does take the strain away from being stuck with an old grump. I wish he was still here, grumpy or not !
Just ride the storm.

Beckett Sat 04-May-19 13:15:47

Anja You are obviously having a difficult time and you have my sympathies but how does making someone else feel bad improve your situation. No-one is saying "there there never mind" others have shown sympathy and come up with helpful advice.

Gonegirl Sat 04-May-19 13:19:58

Oh for heaven's sake. Are we all going to have a go at anja now. Surely different peoples can put up different replies. There was no rudeness involved. Just a different opinion to most.

It's called Gransnet. hmm

Gonegirl Sat 04-May-19 13:20:39

Find entertainment somewhere else.

Beckett Sat 04-May-19 13:34:13

"There was no rudeness involved" Really, how about

"you don't sound like a bundle of laughs yourself" or

"Do you both a favour and either stop nagging him and try to understands how he feels or get out of the marriage and find someone younger and more to your liking"

Gonegirl Sat 04-May-19 13:39:30

Pretty mild I would say. But hey! [shrug]

kittylester Sat 04-May-19 13:51:28

I agree gonegirl!

And, I do wonder about someone new who comes looking for advice but fights back if they dont like the response from someone whose circumstances they can have no knowledge of (not just anja or this thread) it happens a lot.

Coolgran65 Sat 04-May-19 14:01:56

I would suggest first op should get herself to gp as she sounds a bit low.
Then have a civil chat with dh and tell him you are going to talk with dc about your situation and emotions.
Then talk to the children. Have they noticed how their father is. Tell them she’s at the end of her tether..... see what their opinions are. They may be supportive and have suggestions to help.
Then a trip back to see family and just ‘be’. Not doing much but having time without her husband. Think on what dc have said.

Day6 Sat 04-May-19 14:03:20

Kiki2, if your husband doesn't like you having company (sounds very selfish) then I think you have to find it outside the house.

I imagine divorce would be a huge upheaval and a financial strain, so if I were in your shoes I would make the most of my life. It doesn't sound as if your husband is open to suggestion, is set in his ways, and in pain. He may have reason to be grumpy as chronic pain does take its toll. Be as good a companion to him as you can be, but do find things to do alone, out of the house.

We cannot put our lives on hold or be controlled by another, especially as we may not have much life left to live ourselves. Seize the day and change how you live and if possible, try and get your husband to join in things with you, even if it's only sitting in the garden together, enjoying a cuppa and birdsong. Little things can make life together more pleasant. You might have to be the driver in making that happen.

kittylester Sat 04-May-19 14:18:45

That is all very well but some people have little, or no, option but to put their lives on hold for their other half. There is plenty of evidence of that on here.

EllanVannin Sat 04-May-19 14:30:33

Having a good friend or two brings you out of yourself and makes a big difference to your life.

FlexibleFriend Sat 04-May-19 15:59:41

Your husband sounds like my Ex, and it was the thought of him retiring and being around all day that prompted me to seek a divorce. He was very moody and we had developed very different hobbies etc. but all he ever talked about was whether we'd have enough to live on when he retired. He was beginning to drive me crazy and once I was diagnosed with an auto immune condition he started talking about taking early retirement to look after me and I honestly couldn't think of anything worse and blurted out if I need a carer I want someone I like, someone who's kind and actually gives a shit about me. Ooops once said it became obvious that was it and I started divorce proceedings. It's never easy but it's not as hard as people think and tbh I'm better off financially now than I ever was with him. I have no idea how but I am. I've saved and spent far more on the house in the past 4 years than in the ten years he was here. He was tight and hated spending anything and every purchase was a battle. Living with him made my illness worse and I feel so much better on my own in control of my own destiny. So if you really want to go your own way start to get everything in place and go for it. Life is too short to be miserable.

whywhywhy Sat 04-May-19 16:06:50

Life is too short so why the hell do we have to put up with such partners/husbands? If you have to stay with him then start new hobbies, join a group even if it is zumba/weight loss groups. Have a life that isnt 100% him as that is so draining. I know, I have been. Take care and remember you are not alone. x

whywhywhy Sat 04-May-19 16:07:35

I meant to say " I have been there"

grandtanteJE65 Sat 04-May-19 16:12:49

Poor you. Even the best of men tend to become grumpy when there is anything wrong with them, and loads of hale and hearty men become grumpy when they retire and feel that they no longer are useful members of society.

No one should put up with anyone putting them down all the time. Your DH can apparently make the effort to be nicer for a couple of days at a time, but no longer.

In your place I would take the advice to go away for a while. If visiting your family in the country of your birth isn't possible, book yourself into a B&B somewhere and enjoy a week without sour-puss.

Perhaps you could visit one of your children? If their father has always been grumpy, they probably will understand very well why you need to get away.

And please, don't let yourself be hurt by the comment about "what happened to in sickness and in health" If we must quote the solemnization of holy matrimony your husband promised to love and cherish you, didn't he? Mine did! Sounds as if there is not a lot of that going on in your neck of the woods!

Citizens' advice should be able to help you work out the financial aspects of divorce and whether you have grounds for one. Ask their advice. It does no harm to know whether you can afford to leave, even if you decide to stay.

Lily65 Sat 04-May-19 16:18:22

I think I'll put my anorak and school bag down and chant " Fight Fight".

Or I may enquire as to.....has your husband always been like this OP? Would he consider a health check? Would either or both of you consider counselling?

Anja Sat 04-May-19 17:19:08

Thank you Gonegirl and others who take a wider view..

Can I remind the OP she asked for ‘any advice’ not just what she wanted to hear.

We once had a very active poster on the site, who sadly was removed (or hounded off?) she too took a lot of flack when she didn’t give the standard response of syrupy sympathy.
I, for one, found her quite refreshingly honest, if a little abrasive ???

crazyH Sat 04-May-19 17:35:47

Kiki, he is obviously unhappy about something . Towards the end of my marriage, my husband was unhappy about everything, the way I dressed, the way I looked, the way I walked. Basically, he was unhappy with me.
In your case, I feel he is insecure in himself especially because of the age difference. You say he has arthritis in his hands. That makes him feel old, I'm sure.
He needs reassurance from you.
I am also from a different country and during the early part of the separation, I also felt like going back. But those are all pipe dreams. The family and friends back home would have moved on and made their own lives.
In any case, if you are thinking of leaving, first talk to the CAB. You need to make sure you are financially secure. You will have to leave your emotions to one side and get practical.
Don't worry about your AC. They will want the best for their mum and dad and to be honest, they have their own families and own problems.
I wish you luck, whatever you decide.

Gonegirl Sat 04-May-19 22:59:05

anja grin

BradfordLass72 Sun 05-May-19 07:37:28

Kiki Did you know there's such a thing as 'Bellringer's wrist'? It's when the tendons become inflamed and its quite painful.

It may be that your grumpy old bloke is trying not to face the idea he might have to give up the hobby he's obsessed with. Having been forced to give up my own passions in life, I know just how bereft one can feel.

It's very unwise to do nothing about it but that's his choice. If he prefers pain, so be it.

As others have said, if there's any chance you can get away to see your own family, please try to do it - and talk things over with your children, they may not be as unsympathetic as you fear. A break away from His Grumpiness would probably help you both.

Most of all, try to get yourself back on track with good health care and getting out and away from you husband for the day. You need to look after your own well-being and then maybe it'll be easier all round.

And please don't take any notice of the grumpy old posters here. They have their own problems and frequently forget the idiom, 'If you've nothing nice to say, say nothing.' grin

gillybob Sun 05-May-19 08:21:40

And how does her husband feel gillybob? There are always two sides to a story

Well we don’t know how Kiki’s husband feels do we Anja because he has not posted. Shall we now all have to wait for the other side of any story or situation before we are taken seriously or offer sympathy ? We can only go by what the OP has said which is that he makes her feel unloved etc. He is also obsessed with bell ringing and yet complains of pains in his wrists????

I know others have things so much harder of course they do and I’m not trying to suggest otherwise. Unless of course we should now ask for the other side of their stories too?

Lily65 Sun 05-May-19 10:04:26

Bellringers wrist!!!

Oh dear. I wonder if there is trainspotters tendonitis or shed shingles or car shiners shingles.