Mega grumpy husband

I think it stand to reason that any activity that puts an extra strain on the wrist ( now now, cut it out ) will make an already painful wrist worse .

Gillybob I swear they can't help their obsessions. If they've got that kind of nature, like mine has, (model airplanes) it's cruel to deprive them of it. That's why I feel more for the DH here than for the OP.

Lily65 in hot weather there is definitely a model airplane flyer's red face.

And in wet or windy weather there is the same blokes' grumpy face.Sigh.

gillybob

A while ago, on another thread, a GN spoke about a person who was concerned about their spouse, but the spouse refused to see the GP. This person, quietly & in confidence, asked the GP's surgery to send the spouse a "routine check-up appointment ". This resulted in the spouse seeing the GP. Worth a try?

Very unkind Anja. We all have our crosses to bear and some of us are going through difficult times but being harsh with someone whose difficulties you perceive as being less than yours helps no-one.

oh gosh, how brave of you Kiki2 to pose this question

I can only say my circumstances, married 50 years next January, both English, does that make any difference I wonder? how long you been out of your birth country Kiki?
not shaken that culture off? just wondering

my husband can get miserable, I need a bit of company, he doesn`t need company, though I see him brighten up when people come to visit!

he has lots of medical problems, so I have to make allowances for that... but I get out on my own, the only way I survive,, and when I go out for several hours, he seems perkier to see me! either he appreciates me coming back to him LOL or the break for both of us is needed?

I don`t think anyone can tell anyone else what to do... but it is good to share (something I am not very good at myself!) and listen to others opinions, then we have to decide for ourselves.. that is how I have dealt with "problems" over the years.

I used to do a very small amount of bellringing...can`t you join him? obviously not, else you would have already.anyway Kiki, perhaps you will let us know what you decide,,, your decision, with these comments here, could help others.. well that is what I think.

The world does not revolve around men and what they want, your world should revolve around you. Yes it must be lovely to have a man who is kind, considerate and caring, then you can share your worlds together, however, if he is not, do not enable him to drag you down. Live your life, do what you want, when you want . Go and see your family, plan days out with friends etc and def let your AC know of your problems too. You have tried to talk to this Grump, now let him know that actions are speaking louder than words and you will not allow him to drag you down. You control your life, not him.

Unfortunately Anja it is not that easy to find somebody younger!!! Otherwise we'd all do it. I have tried and I am quite young and attractive but can I find a toyboy? Would I really want one?

I think you need to ascertain what sort of arthritis he has in his wrists - which has probably been caused by bell ringing - I too have arthritis in my wrists - it is rheumatoid arthritis and there is very effective medication for this - I also have osteoarthritis in knees and hips - operations have sorted this mostly. It might be sensible to see the GP and then be referred to a rheumatologist - originally The doc thought I had carpel tunnel but very soon it was found that was wrong. With pills the swelling and pain is much better. Also, take a trip to your own country- I agree with a previous person

Bellringing does not seem like the ideal hobby for someone with arthritis. Is he making it worse?

Oops! should have said I am quite young and attractive for my age, I have been told!! Whatever happened to modesty?

I am in a similar position myself only my children are still young. I am not sure if I sure leave now or wait til years down the line when I am in exactly the same situation as OP. My thoughts are with you Kiki2. I don't think people change. They go very quickly back to their default mode.

I agree with mumof madboys. Problems are relative and what is a serious problem to one can be seen as not so serious to another.
I would like to send you my best wishes Kiwi2 and hope that a resolution is found. It must be unpleasant to live with a partner who undermines you despite his physical condition.

I fear grumpiness is not an accepted grounds for divorce and also that divorce is very much harder, both emotionally and financially than portrayed in the media.
I am not saying “suck it up” but perhaps you need to develop much more of a life of your own both to get you out of the house and keep you cheerful when your GOG (Grumpy old git) is around.
Do you have some good friends to cheer you up? Do you have any hobbies or interests of your own?
Of course if it unbearable you may have to take steps, but if there is the possibility of a modus vivendi I would give that a try before anything irrevocable.

Quote 'he is always around' Not, I might add, unusual if H lives with you.! I had different interests to my H before and after retirement as many couples do but I respected what he did as he with me. So pick yourself up dust yourself down, don't tell him what he should or should not do, and go find your own interests. If his pain is that bad let him decide whether he wants to continue bell ringing.

When I read some of the "abrasive" and "refreshingly honest" (to quota Anja) responses on here to someone who is feeling upset and doesn't know what to do, it reminds me why I would never post anything too personal or close to my heart on here.

This would not be because I would want everyone to agree with me and say "There, there" as another poster has suggested, but because it's clear that many people have no empathy with, or sympathy or kindness for others.

There is the "share - check - share" counselling protocol whereby a person shares a small confidence and checks the sort of response they get before sharing any more. Various posts on GN elucidate that risk, and I suppose this is what you get on an open forum - some people are kind and others are not - but unfortunately, if a person is feeling vulnerable, sometimes that one harsh post negates all the kind helpful ones.

Just sayin' .....

GOG! I love that!

True Sparklefizz and that one harsh post is the one that is remembered rather than all the others.

Only because people keep harping on about it!

Where are you from originally and how big is the age gap?
You have surely made friends here during your marriage and at work so it might be an idea to take yourself out more.
Perhaps a trip 'back home' could be arranged if your husband is able to take care of himself while you are away.
The first thing IMO is to join some outside activities and by that, I mean outside the home.
Cultivate a circle of friends to visit places of interest or meet for coffee and cake.
Put an advert in your local paper or a card in the library asking if there is anyone in your area from your 'home' country who would like to meet up. You could exchange experiences of fitting in and the homesickness you now feel as your husband seems to be getting in your nerves.
This is to be expected when you are both retired, especially as one gets older and medical issues start to increase.
Get out from under his feet and create your own life if he won't join in.
I wish you well and hope you find a solution which suits you both.
He's probably feeling his age and hates the fact that his hobby has caused his painful wrists.

You have 4 options:-
Try and improve your lives with counselling or threaten to leave and see if he changes.
Stay and put up with the situation as he is probably unlikely to change
Look in leaving and starting again either here or possibly look into returning to your home country, if you miss it so much,
Live separate lives but continue to share the same household. So, different bedrooms, finances, meals, washing etc. i.e. he would have to attend to his own stuff and speak to each other as little as possible.
Write down the pros and cons of each situation and plan ahead.

I felt sad when I read this and even sadder when i saw the first reply. If someone comes on here and pours their heart out saying they don’t feel respected, loved or cared for, adding that they miss home and are considering leaving then they are calling out for help not just having a random moan. I feel readers should consider how they answer as their reply could actually make a difference to the poster’s wellbeing. I feel if you cannot offer a little support or a kind words then jog on and dont reply. I feel there has to be some responsibility in answering these post . And no I don’t expect the poster sounds like a bundle of laughs , with a little empthy it's clear to see she is very sad and low and I can see nothing that suggest she had nagged her husband she tried to talk to him not the same thing. kiki2
I hope you can find a way forward, could you encourage your husband to seek medical advice? Perhaps he is depressed? (not making excuses for him ) as for help with arthritis I think there is some help out there because my sister gets a lot of help. Wishing you the best every one has a right to feel respected.

I also think Anjas response harsh, and on the point of their being two sides to every story. My dad always said there’s three sides to every story
Yours
His
And what is actually happening
It’s about trying to understand what each other see and feel about the situation and looking at it carefully together.
I know that’s easier said than done and wish you well

kittylester - it isn't just because people "keep harping on about it". Believe me when you are depressed, as I think the OP is, what stays with you are the negative comments.