Mega grumpy husband

I don't know Maw I think grumpiness can be grounds for divorce when it leads to unreasonable behaviour as it did with my ex. He went overboard about any money being spent on anything. So when things like the dishwasher broke he'd insist on the cheapest possible replacement even though we had ample money. Then of course he'd complain non stop when it broke down after just over a year and need replacing again. Of course that was my fault I was using it wrong, too often, etc. you name it. We'd go through this nonsense every time something needed replacing. I'd choose a quality item and he choose a cheap one. Obviously life didn't start out like that but it becomes extremely draining to be blamed for every little thing that went wrong. Divorce was the only answer in our case because not only did I no longer love him. I hated him and everything about him. I couldn't continue living with a man I hated when I knew how good marriage can be even with the normal ups and downs but mine had become a living hell all because I'd become ill and taken early retirement. He'd become obsessed with working all the hours he could and saving as much money for the future as possible, he'd forgotten to live for today. All we ever did was argue or avoid each other. Bugger that.

Actually, Beckett, I don't think you need to be depressed to find yourself remembering negative, or unkind comments.

However hard I try, there are some things that have been said to me in the course of my life that have hurt very badly and which, try as I will, I cannot forget. I don't think about them all the time, but when something crops up that reminds me of the episode it still stings.

I'm fairly certain most people remember remarks that hurt them far easier and far longer than all the nice things that were said.

I think we all need to remember when we post here, that readers cannot hear our tone of voice, so what we write may just hit harder than we ever dreamed it would.

One unhappiness is just as valid as another! I'm sorry OP that your husband won't seek medical help - a kenalog injection can afford a lot of relief for weeks at a time. Like others, I think you should try if it's practicable to visit your family by yourself. Otherwise, join some clubs or societies and just enjoy meeting like minded people. Also, could you talk to your grown up children about it? You might be surprised at how supportive they'd be if you do decide to leave. Life on ones own can be lot less lonely than life with someone one dislikes.

Seems to me that there are some quite hurtful and unnecessary comments in response to some one who is in need of some support and positive suggestions. I sincerely hope that the op is able to pick up on the more positive responses.

How sad that you are stuck with not feeling able to speak your mind. Perhaps a visit to your family will give you both the space that sounds like it’s needed. It’s ok to tell the one you love that you are worried about them and how it makes you feel when they are unkind. Find some things to do , build up your confidence and get some leaflets on arthritis leave them out for your husband. Ageing gracefully doesn’t happen to us all. Wishing you all the best

Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me.
Ah, but they do, and they hurt a lot more and a lot longer than sticks and stones. I still suffer from nasty comments made about me many years ago.
If you can't say anything nice, just shut uppa da mouth!

That sounds awful OP and you should not have to put up with any of that behaviour. I echo what the majority have said (and I’d completely ignore the tiny minority) and focus on yourself - find hobbies and interests outside the home that make you feel good about yourself and if possible visit your family abroad to give yourself some breathing space. Then you can decide whether you want to live the rest of your days with this man or whether you’d be happier on your own. You would find a way to make a separation work financially and your children would come to accept the new normal (if that’s what you decide to do). Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I think it's quite worrying that the OP says her DH is "not ageing well". We can't help how we age, and we certainly don't know how it will be before it happens.

The more I read the OP the sorrier I feel for the husband. I think perhaps there comes a point in later life when we can't always be nice to order. I think the age gap has a lot to do with this. No one can understand this ageing business until you are living it.

kiki2 I'm sorry you didn't initially get the support you deserved, the old saying is a good one "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" - I don't understand what compels someone to feel the need to respond in such a way that is certain to cause hurt. You reached out to us all on Gransnet and didn't deserve to be 'scolded' by doing so! These are for you x

Now just a minute.
Would those who are claiming unkind or intolerant responses care to quote what they are criticising?
There have been some practical alternatives suggested as an option to try before plunging into divorce,since, as OP has indicated, she is unsure how she would stand financially.
Perhaps I have missed anything else, but if an opinion or advice is requested it is not unfair if these cover a wide range.

Visit family, some time for yourself will be so good for you. A good way to get a new perspective as feeling worn down is relentless at times.
Take care Kiki2 ?

Oh for heaven's sake! No one "scolded" the OP! That's ridiculous.

What would be the point in that?When you post on a forum surely you are looking for honest answers. Or does everyone really just want a pat on the head and a "there there dear. You are, of course, in the right"?

Perhaps it just might be a good idea to encourage the complainer to think about their situation again, in a slightly new light.

I missed a bit out of that post. Never mind. The idea is there. ie see it from the other person's point of view.

Kiki, if you are short of money, perhaps contact your family and ask if they would help you financially to go for a visit? It would do you both good. Also, lots of hobbies don't cost the earth. Good luck from another wife of a mega grumpy husband x

Anja's response no doubt felt cruel but it's true.

That’s just your opinion Alexa - that doesn’t make it true.

I agree with Alexa.

Indeed.

SirChenjin, everything I opine on gransnet is unverified and impressionistic unless I name a reputable source which I did not in this case.

You’re absolutely correct - no reputable source was used in the formation of your opinion.

Oh for heavens sake-these are all our opinions.
We all come with different degrees and types of life experienc and our opinions are going to be as varied as our experiences.

It's interesting how the context of an utterance can alter the meaning

Absolutely - there’s all types of opinions on here drawn from a range of experiences, and the vast majority of them have been hugely positive and constructive. It’s wonderful, don’t you think, when women come together to support each other through difficult times with as much kindness and support as possible.

I think that some of the responses on here have been really toxic and bitter
...it's heartbreaking and soul destroying to live with someone who is grumpy,nasty, detached..yes everyone is entitled to reply...give an opinion..but you aren't in the shoes of the poster..so hold the venom...

I give up.

I saw no venom, frankness, perhaps and a pertinent question or two, along with some very reasonable suggestions.
I fear those who are seeing toxin and venom are stoking the flames - to mix my metaphors.