Gransnet forums


Over sensitive?

(59 Posts)
Anne107 Thu 09-May-19 08:03:38

I have to have cardio angiogram with possibly 3 stents this Friday- i was supposed to have this last week Friday but after waiting all day in ward with two other ladies we eventually were sent home due to the amount of emergencies of people coming in with heart attacks. My son had arranged to collect me from the hospital although I still would have no one staying with me overnight. He only lives practically across the road with his wife and three children who I adore but always feel I must make appointment before I knock or wish to see the grandchildren- I can accept that - but I feel hurt he was unable to collect me this Friday. He said it was difficult- I was speaking to him last night and he was saying he had yesterday off & has today off and Saturday off but could not get Friday off - I cannot help feeling hurt. Mind you the hospital have now arranged for me to stay overnight which in a way I am relieved as at least there are staff there to keep eye out. I know it’s not a major op but still feel hurt - do you think I am overthinking/ over sensitive?

Grammaretto Thu 09-May-19 08:16:24

You poor soul! I wonder if you can ask a friend to assist? Maybe you've played down the importance of this so your son's family have thought of it as an inconvenience rather than a frightening and potentially serious procedure.
I would be just as upset as

Buffybee Thu 09-May-19 08:24:14

I presume that if you are staying in hospital on Friday night that your Son will be able to pick you up on Saturday.
I do think that you are being over sensitive.
My Son and Daughter would do most things for me but sometimes because of work, they can't do and I accept that and deal with things myself.
As far as the having to knock on their door or making an appointment to go across the road to their house to see the Gc, I think that is fine, just give them a call to see if they're free at the the moment or if you can come around some time today to see them all.
I would prefer to do that, than walk in when they're all very busy or getting ready to go out.
Wishing you good luck with the operation on Friday and a very speedy recovery. flowers

Maggiemaybe Thu 09-May-19 08:27:11

It sounds to me as though it’s out of your son’s control. It’s not always easy, or even possible, to get time off work at short notice. I’m sure he’d have the time off to help you if he could, and this is no reflection on his feelings for you. Try not to dwell on it. Best wishes with the op. thanks

Eglantine21 Thu 09-May-19 08:28:08

If work won’t give him Friday off I don’t really see what he can do, other than risk his job or make things very difficult in the workplace at least.

It isn’t a measure of how much he cares but what he can actually do, what his employer will allow.

Perhaps if you can see it like that it will take some of the hurt away.

sodapop Thu 09-May-19 09:04:19

I think you are feeling vulnerable at the moment understandably so Anne107 so seeing hurt where none was intended. I would always check first before calling in on my family like Buffybee. Your son has work committments and is trying to help.
I hope all goes well for you and you have a speedy recovery.

Doodle Thu 09-May-19 10:00:10

anne it’s really nice you live so close to your family. I live quite close to mine too but would hate the thought that they would just pop in without warning. All families are different. Some are happy wandering in and out of each other’s homes. DH and I like to know when we are expecting visitors. We hardly ever just drop in on our children but would usually be invited or phone first.
I think as others do, you son cannot just take a day off work like that. People have commitments they can’t always drop and you don’t know what his plans are. Also, perhaps they assume that living so close to you they don’t need to stay overnight with you but could pop over if you need them. Hope everything goes well with your op and you make a good and speedy recovery 😊

annep1 Thu 09-May-19 10:01:37

I agree with grammaretto. We tend to play things down a bit in case we worry our children and then are hurt at feeling negkected. I think too, that our children don't see us getting older and having serious health problems. My son rings and asks jokingly "So who's not well today?"
I hope all goes well for you Anne107. Personally I would prefer to stay overnight. I think we are sent home too quickly nowadays after all sorts of ops/ tests.

nipsmum Thu 09-May-19 10:08:52

Unfortunately there are laws that say you must be allowed time off for parental duties but that does not cover duties for your mother. I'm sorry you require this medical treatment but if you have stents put in the hospital will probably keep you in more than overnight. If no one can pick you up on discharge they can arrange a taxi for you to take you home. Independence is a great thing to have as everyone is so busy now.

polnan Thu 09-May-19 10:16:24

oh Anne, sounds a bit like me... my gks live approx 6 miles away, and I wouldn`t dream of just popping in, particularly if just across the road.... I don`t like anyone just popping in, though our eldest gs, a dear soul, nearly21, he just popped in the other day, but I think that was because we had put him off coming a week or so previous! I appreciated him taking the bull by the horns as it were.
and I so agree with most what everyone else has said. we do tend to minimise to our kids our aches and pains, I know I do... and why should we burden them with how we are feeling...

wishing you well, and praying here for your op on Friday. glad the hospital keeping you in overnight.

dianne2265 Thu 09-May-19 10:16:46

If your son has Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday off already chances are that he has already requested Friday off but work are short staffed, I know this happens where I work. I would prefer to have all my days off as a block rather than 2 days off, work 1, then have another off so I think it could be work rather than him. Good luck for the op and I hope you are feeling better soon.

discodiva Thu 09-May-19 10:19:52

Please don't be concerned about the stents being fitted. My husband is going through the same procedure next week and I have friends who've already gone through the same and its quite routine and usually doesn't require an overnight stay but even if you are sent home, your family are still close enough to be on call. So please don't worry.
Regarding calling in on your family, my mother in law had a terrible habit of dropping in when she liked, which annoyed me because there were times it just wasn't convenient, so calling ahead is always more preferable.

Annaram1 Thu 09-May-19 10:31:37

Obviously your son has made an effort to try to get Friday off, and work commitments mean that he can't do it.
I am glad you live so close to your family, but it is always best to ask first before visiting. I was a little peeved when my son and 18 year old granddaughter popped in the other day and I had not tidied up or anything as I had been looking at Gransnet instead!
Good luck with the op, and it is good that you c an stay overnight. I have a friend who had stents put in 10 years ago and he is fine, so don't worry.

optimist Thu 09-May-19 10:50:33

I am wondering if you ever worked full time? I did, as a teacher. My parents just didnt understand and often asked me to collect them from places, accompany them to appointments, or deliver things for them. I know they were disappointed when I didnt, the best I could do was order them a taxi.Of course eventually they died and I had to continue with my career to support my family, and contribute to my own pension.

EllanVannin Thu 09-May-19 10:53:46

I gather the reason for the stents are that there's been a heart attack ? I query this because over the past 3 years 3 of the male neighbours each had heart attacks which resulted in immediate admissions to hospital where stents were duly fitted without any appointment, naturally, because each case was a matter of life and death.

Dillyduck Thu 09-May-19 10:59:14

As we get older, so do our children. My son is now 42 with a child of his own, his work is physically demanding. He works antisocial hours and is on call at times. Although he lives with me (really good reasons why this suits us both)
I always make my own arrangements for everything. IF he then decides that he wants to, and is able to help me, that's great, but I don't expect it.
I spent 30 years running around after my disabled mum who seemed to think I should do everything she couldn't, as well as caring for my other son with severe learning difficulties. She never saw me working until 1am at times to catch up with my work. I was a widow, self employed, if I didn't work I couldn't pay the bills.
Enjoy what your son can do for you, don't complain about what he can't. Getting home from a hospital is so easy. They will have details of local taxis!

chris8888 Thu 09-May-19 11:03:17

Glad you are now staying in hospital overnight l wouldn’t llike to be aline either.

Alexa Thu 09-May-19 11:05:50

Anne107, You are normally but not overly sensitive.

Your son is obviously not generally neglectful, cannot get off work on that day, and doesn't know you feel a little let down by him. Your relationship with the family seems to be very sound.

Best not say anything to him now about it. You did well to write to the grans instead. I am sure it will all blow over very soon.

seadragon Thu 09-May-19 11:14:56

I had a similar experience in 2016 but it was my sister who planned to collect me (a 4 hour round trip for her) but when the hospital kept me in overnight, she could not rearrange so I had to get a taxi and a train. Fortunately my husband was able to come over from the isles to accompany me (I'd told him not to bother when I set off as I'd 'be fine') but had no car. However we requested assistance at the station which meant our luggage was taken care of and we were taken on to a quiet platform and to a convenient seats. I had to have 3 stents (big surprise) but am fighting fit now, thanks to the wonderful NHS. I completely understood my sister had other commitments but I still felt very frightened and vulnerable.

Sparklefizz Thu 09-May-19 11:19:32

Goodness seadragon, what a trek for you in vulnerable circumstances!

Paperbackwriter Thu 09-May-19 11:42:54

I think we feel extra-sensitive when we have health issues that are being dealt with so I totally get how you feel, even though as others have said, your son is probably doing what he can. I'd have been more worried about you being home alone all night only hours after the surgery so am glad to hear you'll have that time in hospital. I too wouldn't just drop in on my children without a phone call first to check it's convenient. After all, it's not just your son's home, it's his wife's too. Good luck - I do hope we get to hear that you're feeling a lot better when you get home.

Sparklefizz Thu 09-May-19 13:07:55

I think you are being over-sensitive, perhaps because you are stressed.

You're very lucky to have your son and family almost opposite. Many of us would wish for that! But I don't think you can expect him to be available for you at any time you wish it when he has a job, a wife and a young family.

I am not sure why you threw in the extra comment about having to make an appointment to see them. Isn't that what most respectful parents do? I think having high expectations of treating adult children's homes as one's own is one of the causes of alienating daughters- or sons-in-law. I don't mind if my AC turn up here unannounced but I wouldn't dream of doing the same to them. I even make an appointment to phone my daughter as she has an extremely busy life as a single parent with a fulltime job and children. Much better to phone/call in when you're expected and can be welcomed surely? I don't think that's anything to be offended about.

I wish you all the best with having your stents fitted and hope you soon feel the benefit. flowers for you.

Pix5 Thu 09-May-19 13:08:58

I do think you are over reacting and some. I've had this procedure on my own twice and come home by cab. I prefer my husband to stay home and look after my dogs, so I don't have to worry. These are minor procedures nowadays, try not to worry.

dizzygran Thu 09-May-19 13:14:48

Sounds as though your son does help as much as he can. Its not always easy to get time off work at short notice. As you are staying overnight hope this helps. Maybe arrange a taxi or ask a friend or neighbour to pick you up. Hope your procedure goes well. The hospital might be able to arrange transport - most have "friends who transport patients.

moggie57 Thu 09-May-19 13:21:54

havent you got a friend to be with you...?? your son has busy family. but then again he could have changed a day to be with your (family crisis) most companies are compassionate.