I honestly thought I was done with all this. I have spoken to my friends and son and they give different advice, so, I'm putting it out to you...you really helped me in the beginning and, sorry, but I'm back. sigh....maybe I should just grow up, but, feeling so f***ing pissed off now. My brain is in over time.
Since moving I've been so much happier trying to get on with things and living my life, I am happy. Then, I get two texts, not messages, texts, why I think that's relevant I don't know. Both start - Cas, hope you're well. I have post should I give to neighbour? He signs it his name (jerkface) with an x (kiss). ugh
I only ever answered yes. No other words, no conversation. So what's with this nicey nicey crap?
Our neighbour who is on my side because, he did witness some stuff, said he would get me my post as I don't want Ex to know where I live. I totally trust neighbour. We stay in touch now and then and he hates jerkface. I know names are immature but right now, don't care.
So last night, all nicey nicey again, I get a message of a picture of a jar of sloe gin we made last autumn and he asked if I wanted him to bottle it and send it to me. Then says he's selling up! I did not answer. I'm not going to answer.
If I'd wanted that gin I would have taken it. I don't give a rats ass what he's doing so why is he telling me this? Is it a stupid reason to let me know what he's doing? There's no need to even talk to me especially after the way he was the final day I moved out, I had been ordered to be at HIS house for 12 noon, and then he read out all the accusations then wouldn't let me fight my corner and made me leave. Rubbing it in my face perhaps?
I have three emails I've started to him fighting my corner. My son says let it go mom, leave him to it, let him ruin his own life. You'll only make it worse. My other friends say send an email and include her too so she can see how much he is lying because it's stuff she will recognise etc.
I'm torn. I know better, leave it. But there is a part of me that is so angry with the stuff he has said. Plus, the police he said he contacted is only his ex's brother in law and he said they sat around the kitchen table discussing me. Sake! I was never bothered by the police anyway.
Anyway, I've said before, what people think about me is none of my business, but in this case, I'm really mad. I can see why I'm mad, I'm hurt, and a lot of other feelings that I don't even have words for! I feel I just want to get him back. I want to hurt him as much as he's hurt me.
I guess I'm wanting someone to tell me what to do. I'm like a little kid who knows better but can't decide. Once again I'm all over the place.
I was thinking of just messaging him and asking him, nicely, please don't contact me again, then block his number.
Someone, please, help, my mom isn't here any more and I really need words of wisdom and some kind of guidance. I haven't gone to relate because I can't afford it.
AND, I'm not going to cry again.
Thank you.
hmm, I think I've answered my self, but I'm putting this out there anyway. I really trust you. x
Gransnet forums
Relationships
I think I should really consider leaving
(118 Posts)Here I go. I don't know if I just need to write this down or am looking for some kind of reassurance. My BF and I met Nov 2017. Both 59, we're now 61. We have so much in common it's crazy. Walking, cycling, gardening, he's funny and we laugh a lot. At least we did. After 7 months we moved in together. It wasn't taken lightly, he was afraid his mortgage was going to go up a lot. We looked at him selling the house and it didn't sell. So when it came down to it the last resort was I would move in. My lease on my flat was up anyway so hey why not. We're old enough now.
So it was pretty great in the beginning, for about 3 months. Then, he took the loving away. No holding hands, hugs, and the sex was gone. He takes viagra which I said doesn't bother me in the least. I would try and talk to him about it and he'd get mad and defensive. I said I'd go to the doctor with him, ya know, moral support. Nope, he got really mad one day and said if he never have sex again it wouldn't bother me. If I wanted to find someone to have sex with that's fine, just be home at night. Are you friggin kidding me? Never gonna happen. So we plod along, I go in for hugs and kisses and well that's fine, I can live with it.
So, then I discover, he met up with his ex. I asked him about it and he got mad. I asked him why he lied and hid his meeting with her. Said they met for coffee. He said because he knew I would react like this. I said would it not have been better to tell me? No I wouldn't have been happy but I would know and I would accept it. I would never say who someone can and can't be friends with. However, he told me about her and I asked his a few times why on earth would you want to be friends with her? If I had known he was still hung up on her I definitely would not have moved in.
It's almost a year since we moved in together. He contacts her in almost a desperate way. The met up again last week and I found out by accident about this one. We had a blow out and we calmed down. Hmm. But, now it's like he has 'permission' to contact her, but he is still keeping it from me. Yes, I can read their messages and they do flirt. I just keep telling myself, well you're here, she isn't and they're only talking. Oh, and he claimed to really dislike her daughter who is now 13 and says he is concerned for her, she has autism. That he meets up with her to hear about the kid. The kid is fine, I think it's an excuse to see the mum. sigh. I don't know.
Now the ex and family are off on a holiday and he is liking their pictures and oh gawd. I don't know.
Plus, he made a stink about sex again, geez, it's like ya can't roll over in bed and hug him and he says all you want is sex. Well, yeah, once in a while would be nice. But, no I just want a damn hug! So big argument, I am now in the second bedroom which is now mine. He is happy as Larry. Talking to the ex, me in the next room. He still plans for our future retirement together. He is really in debt too because when he was with her they were so irresponsible with money and now he is paying for it. They went on all these expensive holidays, which is great, only think is all on credit. She apparently never reached into her pocket.
Anyway, there is more like we'll be looking through Netflix for a movie and I'll say how about this one, he says naw not interested. I go down tonight to get a cup of tea and he's watching it! This isn't the first time he's done that.
I wonder if he actually even likes me. Gets my rent. We have dinner together, go the pub together. Although I go to the gym and am in pretty good shape, he is getting a bigger tum all the time.
Sorry for the rant and the length. Thank you all for listening.
I think it's time for me to go.
Sweetie ... you KNOW you are better than this.. block his number... forget ALL of it ....fill your life with YOU...
You have already done all the tough stuff.. you dont need to carry this c..p forward.... this is your time now...let go of the past... and all that was in it.. and make the future everything you want it to be.
You are immensely strong and powerful.
X
Ignore him if you respond he will have got a reaction from you. If you tell what you again he is winning, just blank him that is more annoying then getting a reaction. He treated you appallingly move on let him do whatever it is he is no loss to you.
Good luck x
If I was in your position I would rent a flat, and start spending a few nights a week there. See how you feel about him once you gave some space. Sounds to me like you are his back up plan in case it doesn’t work out with his ex. Sounds like they could be having an affair. I’d want some distance.
Thank you! I have blocked him from Facebook and messenger and texts. I've also deleted the three emails I had started.
Funny how I feel so much lighter now.
Thank you all again.
me x
Stay strong Cas....
The future is all yours..
X
Thank you Gran2028. I honestly cannot believe how much better I feel. Doing something as simple as 'blocking' him. x
I can understand you wanting to get back at him but if you do you are just showing him that he still has control over you. Hard as it may be let it go and as you have now blocked him that should be easier.
Ignore him and you win as he will no longer be able to and he can still pull your strings.
Well done Cas. ???? Blocking him on all media is absolutely the right thing to do. Listen to your son, he is giving you very good advice, ignore the friend's advice. Do not communicate with the creep in any way. He is a expert manipulator and user. He is trying various approaches to see which bait you will take.
Do not waste your precious time time and energy wondering if he's contacting you because, maybe, the new relationship is not working out or maybe he is keeping you on the backburner "just in case". Who wants to be someones spare part? None of it is your problem.
You finally got yourself out of the mess with him, keep focused on making the next chapter of your life a good one - a chapter YOU are writing for yourself and not being dictated by a creep. Stay strong and focussed. Good luck.
Thanks SueH49 and Apricity. I appreciate you. I really do feel so strong right now.
He can think what he wants. I'm no back burner woman and I'm pretty sure it's just his narcissistic ways, he doesn't really care about me. He really thinks the world revolves around him and everyone is watching. ugh
I was looking in my photos on my laptop and there was a couple of pictures of him that I had missed deleting and hand on heart, I felt physically ill when I saw them. Needless to say, those two pics are gone!
Walked this evening in the rain and it was so nice looking around my new neighbourhood. Pretty happy. xx
Well-done, Cas!
And kudos to DS, as well! He is very wise and clearly in your corner.
Glad that your former neighbor is on your side, as well. But I would toss any posts from your X, unless you feel it is important for some reason (financial matters, for example). This is a true case for going NC (no contact). I'm glad you're doing it.
I'm a GN who has just read this story in the Forums. Wow, Cas, you are amazing! An inspirational account, and especially inspiring for anyone who may be going through something like this. Hold fast and be positive - you are a strong woman! Wishing you very happiness in your new life.
That should be every happiness!
Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
I know how you feel about wanting to get back at him for all the lies, etc. I felt the same about my (now ex) husband, who told so much rubbish about me to anyone who'd listen. However, the best thing to do - which I've done - is to live your life and be thankful that you're rid of him. These people don't change and you're so much better off without him dragging you down. Life is short - live it! Wishing you all the best.
it hurts them more when you don't respond.... block, delete and totally ignore and carry on with the new life you have created for yourself
Thank you again everyone. I truly appreciate all of you. xx
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