I think I should really consider leaving

Well he is taking the viagra, but not using it with me. I don't think he is sleeping with anyone, but who knows. I know he looked at porn and when I confronted him he blatantly lied to my face. So I know he has desires for sex. I guess just not for me. I suggested we look together and have some fun. nothing.....

Oh God, get out for your own sanity. He's a lost cause.

There doesn't seem to be much going for you in this relationship - and, apart from the fact that he appears to be misleading you with regard to his relationship with his ex - if he is irresponsible with money you may be at financial risk too.

I think I would cut and run as soon as practically possible.

From what you say cas58 this relationship is not working as a "couple like" relationship for either of you. Can you adjust your view and expectations of the relationship to be more that of the lodger he appears to see you as and make your plans to leave? Is there another bedroom you could move to in the meantime?

This man clearly does not want to be in a relationship with you and probably doesn't know how to deal with how things have developed. The meet ups with his ex may be partly a way to get out of the house for a while - a great avoidance strategy. You had only known each other for a very short time when you moved in together and it was probably far too early in the relationship to do that. We all make mistakes, the important thing is to recognise that we have got it wrong, learn from it and move on.

Obviously you need to have some money and job security to enable you to find your own place and will need a little time to do that. Definitely time to be planning your exit. Good luck.

Sex need not be limited to relationships that are also companionate relationships. Cas58 might have two relationships, a sexual one and a companionate one.

Or she might also have casual sex when she so chooses with someone other than the man she lives with.

It's a myth that sex must be limited to marriage or a romantic relationship .

So you have your own room and you pay rent. That's a lodger in my book.

Today we're working on our allotment and when we stopped for lunch he said, if you want to go I'll give you £1500 and help you move or you stay and like we are now and he will reduce my rent to £350 from the ££415 I pay now. Said I'll think about it. I was stunned and needed to think. So later this afternoon after all the others in the allotment left and I'd had time to think I asked him what did I do for him to not love me anymore when he used to. He said last year around March we had dinner with my friends, married couple, because I wanted them to meet him. I was so excited. Apparently when I went to the bathroom my friend said she was glad he'd met me because I can be quite full on. Meaning I should calm down now (I'd been single for about 15 years). I said so you've listened to someone and decided not to like me anymore!! He said no, but, well he said you'll talk to anyone.....I said what? I'm friendly, sociable and you don't love me for that? No, well he says then I said so you want the quiet demur type then. He says if your referring to my ex, I said no, but since you brought it up.... He said I'm not sure how to say this, just say it, you're not my type! WTF!! So for the pasty 18 months you've been stringing me along! He said well you've been stringing yourself. NO I HAVE NOT AND YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL. You lied to me. Then I packed up and we came home. I can hardly speak to him. how why what the hell. I told him I'll be out by August. That'll give me time in my new job and to save more so hopefully I'll get out of here with a couple of thousand under my belt.
I am so heartbroken. I know I will be fine. I'm so embarrassed.

Thanks for sharing, cas! My heart aches for yours! No need to be embarrassed though. You've done nothing wrong that I can see.

I might be a little mad at that "friend" for talking like that behind your back. Maybe she was trying to give your bloke a compliment. IDK. But, IMO, this is just a lame excuse on his part. I don't believe anyone falls out of love b/c of one comment from a 3rd party.

Sorry you're hurting, but glad you're leaving andit's all out in the open. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but once you're out, I'm sure life will get much better.

Lots of hugs!

Rejection hurts, especially for such a strange reason. He was looking for an excuse. He's an adult yet needed a comment from your friend to make up his mind? Hardly seems likely. Just when was he going to tell you?

There's a life out there waiting for you to catch up and people who welcome someone who's friendly and gets on with people. Think about going sooner rather than later and don't spend time in a house where you're not welcome. Hugs! Be brave!

you can do better leave him to his ex find yourself a man who will love you

Take his offer of the money as you'll need it for a deposit and agree not to pay him rent till August. Hold your head high..and plan for your leaving date.

Listen, some people just don't click, you need not be embarrassed.

Joyfulnanna's comment is good..... don't pay any more rent.

Run like hell!! Just what is stopping you. Once you get to the spare bedroom then the next step is out the bloody door! Come on girl, we women should be strong. You have rented before and it will work for you again. Let him stuff his debt where the sun doesnt shine. He is just a sly little weasel and should be kicked in the nuts. x

Taking Viagra yet no sex with no. Come on - wake up and take whatever you can get, then get out. Let us know how you get on.

I should say no sex with you not no. sorry. x

Thank you all again and again. I've already started requesting information on places. Closer to work, and I WILL keep this job. It's going to put me about 20 miles away from him, another city altogether. I'm actually quite excited about it now. Things may be tight for a while, and, yes I've rented before and I'm ok with that. Before all this I lived alone, I did get lonely, but I was happy. No family here, all in Canada (son in Japan & he backs me on this, good lad) so I am alone. sigh. Very very good friends though. Still I wish my mom was here. I.AM.ALRIGHT.
Love to all of you. x

Cas58, you go girl. The next chapter of your life is waiting to be written. ????

Just go, he sounds a nightmare, rather on your own than living like this. Good luck xx

www.snopes.com/fact-check/seafood-revenge/

UPDATE: Last I was in my room or as I like to call it, my 'private quarters' watching TV and he messaged me - £315 a month if you stay!
I couldn't even answer him. Money has nothing to do with this. Thanks to all of you I do realise there isn't anything here for me. I think I always knew.....just needed that boot up the butt to get me going.
Funny how it feels like a monkey off my back, feeling light, not quite happy but getting there. Oh man I never thought at my age I'd be going through something like this.

Oh Joyfulnanna! That was hilarious! But, I think him being in in own company will be enough. He is bound to be a lonely old man. x

Just a bit of fun Cas x
If you think he's not going to help you with a deposit, tell him you need to save up to move out. How on earth does he think you're going to do that if you're still paying rent. Tell him to put himself in your shoes.

There are a number of parallels with my ex-husband here; I could almost have been reading about him in parts. My advice to you - we’re about the same age - is to leave and get a new, peaceful life for yourself. I’ve been divorced for almost 2 years now and although I’ve had to start again in a lot of ways, I can honestly say that it’s high on the list of good things I’ve done in my life. You deserve so much more. This relationship is doing nothing for you apart from causing you anxiety and stress. Get out while you’re still young enough to begin again. You could have another 30 years of life. Do you really want to spend them with this man who is dragging you down?

Everyone's said it but I agree - GO! This relationship is dead in the water and you deserve much better. You'll never find true happiness if you stay with him. All he's doing is making you miserable and destroying your self-esteem. Plan your escape now and good luck. Happy days will be yours again, you just have to be brave and make the move.

cas58, you can choose to go because you are financially able to go. Obviously you don't enjoy the set up where you are and that you and the man are each intransigent is clear.