Is it over or just a blip?

Good advice HildaW
Sounds like the OP is depressed and it’s impossible to act if that’s the case
It would be a good idea to speak to your gp

my heart aches for you. your post echoes the loneliness we have all felt at some point. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to switch it on. Get yourself out. join a group to stat with. The WI or local group. A craft group maybe. Just to meet people to start with. your local library or community hall will have details. Keep a link open with your daughter. Jut le t her know that you would love to meet for coffee or lunch when she ha time. hr partner does sound a problem - best not to mention him other than say he would be welcome to join you ( keep your friends close and your enemies closer).

men don't tend to like bank holiday days out. Explain to your OH that you feel the walls are closing in - perhaps a trip to a garden -somewhere open and green might appeal to him next weekend. If he has a hobby perhaps you could find something mutually interesting. He might well be feeling low too. if you could find a few interests of your own this would help. How about volunteering at a charity shop or helping with reading at a local primary school. Join a walking group or a senior keep fit group.

Don't give upon your marriage. You have to work at it. Talking's a start.













don't give up on your marriage

I'm really sad that your username is "Unwanted". You will always be wanted and there may be a time in the future when your DD will need you. It may not be immediatley but something will happen and she will need you both.
Now, regarding the situation that you find yourself in right now. You say you don't drive - is this due to a medical problem? If not and money allows it is never too late to learn and this will give you some independence.
Also, you say that you don't have any friends - is this because you are shy? It can be difficult but there comes a time when you just have to push yourself forward a bit. Why not join a group that doess something that interests you? There are quite often book clubs, knitting and natter groups that run during the evenings if you are still working etc. That way you will be able to do something that you enjoy and meet like-minded people.
I hope that you will start to feel better xx

1st I would get a message somehow to your DD saying you do not wish to interfere but you miss her terribly and will always be there for her. 2nd your DH needs to know how you are feeling, could you show him this post and all the responses ? Some men are more responsive than others., but having a man who won’t listen or acknowledge your feelings is not a good thing. Try to avoid pills if you are depressed CBT may help. Try to fill your life, go places and meet others with similar interests, there are lots of lonely ladies out there who need friends. As others say don’t do anything drastic until you start to feel a bit more positive. I wish you well ?

Unwanted, if you are new to Gransnet, welcome.

For now I wouldn't do anything rash as you have survived 32 years of marriage and leaving the marriage now is unlikely to make you feel any better or solve your current problems. You are both missing your daughter and probably worrying about her and what you are feeling is akin to a kind of grief, a loss. If you can summon the strength it has to be worth at least trying to talk to your husband - if he won't talk maybe he will listen, to you!

If you are in a position where you don't have to watch every penny then I agree with others that you should try to get out or find an interest, a hobby, somewhere or someone to visit etc. Even if you just buy a newspaper or puzzle book and go to a coffee shop and 'people watch' it will give you a break from the house. You never know, someone might strike up a conversation with you - even if you don't make friends to the extent of sharing life's problems you may make a 'coffee shop friend', someone to have a coffee with, pass the time of day with and discuss general if not personal things, to 'people watch' together!

If you think you are depressed talk to your GP as they may be able to help. They are aware people can feel lonely in a relationship, family or group as much as they can when alone.

And remember Gransnet is a good forum to ask for help or advice, to seek support, to have a few laughs, to share life circumstances etc. I hope you feel better soon

Sorry, but your husband isn't a mind reader!
It sounds as if you just asked him what you'd be doing and he just assumed that the usual shopping etc was what you wanted, and that you were asking what he was planning to do that day?
Is there any reason that you couldn't have suggested that you went out for a pub lunch or something or still can't?
Maybe he is feeling sad and missing your daughter just like you are. Maybe you both need to stop waiting for her to walk through the door/ call you and make a life for the two of you, but still being prepared to be there to pick up the pieces if needed.
Maybe write to your daughter and tell her how much she is missed and you would love to see her (even if you have to put up with the bf for a few hours) If there is no response I am afraid that you will have to get on with your own lives.
Right, so for the rest of this week, I'd suggest that you either decide to spend a day or two out on your own by bus/ walking or tell your husband that you are sick and tired of those 4 walls and that he is taking you somewhere - even a picnic to a park, day at the seaside or somewhere that you both might enjoy, if only for an afternoon.

Have you the means to stay in a hotel for a few days? Don't make it as something against him, just say you are fed up being in the house and need a break. Sometimes a clear head will help make decisions.

Take one step at a time to develop a simple weekly structure where each day you do something you enjoy. i.e bit of gardening, watch a TV programme, take a bus to a matinee at the local cinema, go out to a class yoga, U3A etc. Hope things improve for you.

Why are you punishing your husband by sulking and crying like a child?
You need to grow up and talk to him as an adult.
I hate people who are passive aggressive and expect others to pander to them. My mother was like this sometimes too.

Tell him you need to talk and then be open and honest with him about how you feel.
He deserves your honesty not your moodiness.

Hello
I have just read your very sad message and feel for you. It does sound you are missing your daughter very much. Were you both close? I can really understand how you feel our son lives in Tokyo. He married a Japanese girl. It’s been extremely difficult and I have tried n tried to get on with her. Sadly she really doesn’t want to know. I miss my son and I have two small grandchildren who I barely see and there are many days when I get down over this situation. I really push myself and try to do things I garden and have contacted a few old friends it’s also surprising if you just try to get out you will meet people. One reply said go for a walk which I agree with you will be surprised at how many people you will meet maybe people who regularly walk their dogs people taking young children out with them I do hope you begin to feel better soon. Sometimes your local church welcomes people and organise coffee mornings and ladies monthly lunches. Maybe offer to do some voluntary work for a local charity. Hope all goes well for you and you begin to feel better very soon

Bit harsh Craicon

Maybe someone in this group lives locally to you, and could meet up for coffee or lunch. Just give us a rough idea what area you live in, and we may be able to support you.

If not chat away on here. I really think you need some help, so please go see your GP, and communicate with your husband. Good luck.

Stop saying you are lonely and have no friends. You have to go out and find them. The best thing I did when I retired was volunteer at my local National Trust one day a week. Lots of new friends, social events, meeting up, lunches, coffee etc in the cafe. Also join a choir, poetry group, book group at your local library. Anything that takes your fancy. If you find it's not right for you just leave.

How about emailing your daughter saying - missing you, can we meet for coffee at ? Nothing to lose.

It sounds as though you may be depressed, that’s a lot of years to throw away. Try seeking help from your GP, counselling or even marriage counselling may help. If you re not able to articulate how you feel, try writing it down so that he knows what your issues are. He may be feeling the same, remember the Pinacolada song xx

It does sound as though you need some help here. If you were my friend/family member I would encourage you to speak to your doctor. I can guess you wouldn’t know what to say or where to begin .... doctors are trained to help you communicate this to them. It’s not all about pills these days as more and more doctors are now into social prescribing such as U3A. Have you heard of U3A for us older folk? They really do have something for everyone, all run by volunteers and the list of topics is endless: history, choir, writing for Pleasure, walking groups, craft, fitness, book groups- you get my drift! It costs between £25/£30 for an entire year and you can join as many groups as you like - if you don’t like you don’t go. Simple. It’s such a lovely setup to make like-minded friends so that you’d feel less isolated. Please don’t give up on your life or your husband. Perhaps if you can gain a little more faith in yourself you’ll have the confidence to talk to your husband (in small chunks) about the issues that need looking at and addressed. Good luck x

You asked if this was the end of your marriage and I would say that would be a mistake with all the recent trauma in your lives. Are you depressed? Maybe a visit to your GP and a chat about your situation may help. Talking to your husband and telling him how wretched you are feeling may also be a good idea. But underlying everything else is the absence of your daughter. Is her new partner controlling her? It does sound as if he wants her for himself, an unhealthy relationship but presumably her choice. Could you write to her, perhaps at her work, in case he reads her post, and tell her quite honestly how very sad you are about the situation. I do hope things improve but try improving communication with your husband and daughter before you pack that bag. The grass is most likely the same colour on the other side of the fence.

I am saddened to see a couple of harsh posts here. Many people are lonely.

If only we could just " join things" and it would go away. A bit like Weight Watchers but for mental health.

I feel OP may be depressed. First phone call is the GP. Second is a reputable therapist. After this has bedded in try something very low key.....a yoga class. Nod and smile at the others, that is all that is required. Once feeling more confident branch out and try an hour or two volunteering.

You say you are not good at speaking-up and just kept quiet and went to bed. From your husbands point of view, that could seem like a moody, sulky wife, making him unhappy! Communication is crucial. You can’t expect your husband to know what you want, if you don’t tell him. You are as responsible for making the marriage happy as is he. You need to talk.

this calls for a good old fashioned talk .yes eye to eye .face to face. tell him how you feel !!! .how is he to know what you want when you dont tell him.write a list of things that need to be done.if you feel like exploding hit a pillow or go out for a walk...clears your mind and the air. but you need to talk to him...then i think you need to see a councillor to taslk out your own problems. dont go to bed .get on with the little jobs .it doesnt reallly matter if he doesnt want to do what you want to.... does it ?

Craicun I’m so sorry about your mother, however, this poor lady sounds very depressed. If this is the case telling her that she should have pulled herself together and spoken to her husband is neither kind or helpful. It can sometimes be very hard to articulate exactly what the problems are, and retreating to a safe place ie your bed can be all you can do. I hope she can get something helpful to move forward from all the lovely advice given by other posters, and I wish her better days.

I feel so sorry for you yet you say you cannot speak up yet it is making you ill. You need to talk to your husband and not go along with everything that he decided for you both to do. Tell him that you have a life as well and you want to do your own thing or at least get your say in what you both do with your days. Can you get about during the week? Maybe join an exercise group, knitting circle, swimming etc. Just try and get out of the house more and do your own thing. This thing with your daughter isnt helping either. It sounds like she has got involved with a total control freak. I havent spoken to my daughter in 4 years and it hurts like hell. Try and write her a letter and explain how you feel, maybe she will get in touch then. Best wishes and keep strong. x

Ah, the old running away fantasy. In dark times in my life I have indulged in the most elaborate running away fantasies. These have included very detailed plans for trips to distant parts of the world, starting a new life elsewhere...blah, blah. None of it ever happened but they were fun distractions at times.

You know you have to sort out out the boring day to day stuff, persevere and talk to your husband and acknowledge the deep hurt caused by your daughter's actions and the impact on your own lives. One of my life rules is to never make a big move or change when you are down and not sure where or what you want to do - it will generally be the wrong move. Wait a bit, think things over and then consider what may be next. There's a lot to be said for the old adage of taking time to smooth down your feathers and seeing what's around the corner. Good luck.

Do you still love him? I have not heard that talked about much.

The impression that immediately comes across is that you are suffering a reactive depression, and you can't cope with that on your own, you need professional help. As others have said, do make a GP appointment your first priority.

You are both effectively bereaved, you have lost your daughter but still have to worry about her, and now is not the time to be taking your distress out on each other. With the way you are feeling, I am guessing you feel you have to work at getting through the next few hours. It is exhausting fighting feelings, and if you possibly can, let go, let it all wash over you, you won't sink, I promise you. The bad feelings, such as being unable to take a deep breath for the pain, will pass, they will not be constant. They will come back, but you know they will pass, and eventually you will come through. Talking therapies will help you through, so do ask your GP for help. We are all willing you on to get better.

Your daughter's separation has created a vacuum in your life that you are now unable to cope with. I am not a psychiatrist, but you sound like someone who is very depressed. With regard to your DH...he is likely suffering with this as you are, albeit in his own way. The shopping excursion may have a way to cope with his own grief as well as an otherwise long weekend.

How was your marriage before your daughter's estrangement? Did you spend a lot of time with your daughter or did you and H spend more time together? What kind of a relationship did you have when you were first married? Did you and H talk about your own issues? What about later? Is D your only child? The answers may hold clues to what's missing in your life and the source of your unhappiness.

You may need outside help in the way of counseling, but first you and H need to have a very kind and honest conversation. You need help with what I suspect is deep Depression and you both need help to cope with your daughter's separation. I suspect that if you do it together, you both have the power to fix whatever it is that's broken in your relationship.