Is it over or just a blip?

I was going to make the same point as jaylucy. He is not a mind reader and you do need to find a way to let him know but this does seem deeper than that one incident. Make an appointment to see your GP as soon as possible and try to tell your husband that.
Could you put it in writing. It seems strange when you are living with someone but communication in any form is better than none. I wouldn't mention that you are thinking that your marriage may be over as that would probably put him on the defensive. Let him know that you are still finding the situation with your daughter difficult and that you needed a day away from your worries and your home to help you cope and you are upset that he didn't realise that. Tell him that you have made an appointment with your GP.
If you are clinically depressed, doing even the simplest thing can be very difficult, but forcing yourself to start is the biggest hurdle.
You may not be emotionally strong enough to deal with a marriage break up along with everything else so I would put thinking about that on hold until you start to recover.

Unwanted, you have been able to explain your situation to us here, so please, print out what you wrote, or write it down again and give it to your husband to read.

Lots of people find it hard to talk about feelings, but yours need to be discussed with your husband.

Next: the no transport issue. I take it you only have one car and you are not on a bus route. Can you ride a bike?
If you can buy one NOW, either new or second-hand so you are not stuck at home when your husband has the car.

If like me, you no longer feel safe on two wheels, you need to look for a cargo bike. They are more expensive, but somehow or other you need to be mobile.

But get through to DH somehow, crying all the time is a sure sign something is badly wrong. Only you can decide whether your marriage is over or not. To me it sounds as the pair of you need help communicating.

Now might be the time to start talking seriously of moving,

Ring your GP, crying all the time needs to stop and only he can say whether it is caused by a depression or the menopause. but he should be able to help you.

Oh you have so much going on no wonder you are down. Don't think you can just pull yourself together, it isn't that simple and anyone who says that that's all you need to do doesn't understand what it's like to get as low as you are now. Doing things can help eventually , but like others I'd suggest that you went along to the docs and asked for help. Or your area might have a wellbeing service that you can self refer to. I put off and out off taking antidepressants when I was in a hole a few years ago in a difficult impossible situation. I thought I could pull myself out if it, but ended up hardly being able to get out of bed or do anything other than keep myself fed and in clean knickers. It takes time for the tablets to work and in the end I had them increased to a fairly high dose and they got me to the state where I could begin to work out how to deal with the situation I was in. I also was lucky enough to get counselling and benefitted greatly from a support group and a recovery course. I wish I'd not waited until I was so low, I'd be further along in my recovery but I guess I was afraid of getting hooked on tablets, in the end I started cutting them down myself, gradually, and had no bad side effects. It's hard to know what to do for the best when you are so down, if you did leave him now you'd be in the same situation but on your own and with all the trauma if divorce to deal with, and honestly it is not an easy thing to navigate. You may end up doing that, but you'd be in a better place to deal with it. Maybe now you just need to tell your husband that you are feeling down, and that you want to get help from the docs, what do you think he might say if you told him that
It is so sad to hear about your dd, obviously none of us here know what things were like before, but if the man she is with is encouraging her to cut off contact with family and friends it might be because he's abusing her, this is one if the things that abusers do, cut their victims off from those who could help, there may be lots of other things he's doing that she doesn't recognise as abusive, cutting her off is just one tactic abusers use. She may need you in the future
It's hard when you have no friends, and going and doing any of the worthy things people are suggesting won't get you friends that you can have heart to hearts with quickly. Your local vicar is there for everyone and asking if you can have a chat might be helpful, they can listen and sometimes just having someone who will listen is really good, he it she can't meet you every week, they have everyone in the parish to look after but there might be places they could suggest to find people to talk to.
You say you're off this week. Can you think if one thing a say that you could maybe do that you'd not normally do, that you could cope with. A health walk perhaps or maybe just buying a plant and potting it up when you get home, or just a coffee out, or just put some favourite music on or pick up the knitting needles and start something or just sit in the garden and listen to the birds. It won't make things better but for a few minutes it might make make things feel a bit better. If nothing 3lse get a docs appointment

Hi, I think you've received some great advice here but I do so empathise with you - there's nothing worse than being in a relationship but feeling totally alone. Our daughter too has behaved in a very similar way to yours and is refusing all contact with ourselves and her brothers and sister. What saddens me is that they've now hardened their hearts against her and I doubt they will ever fully accept her back into the family so talk to your husband about what has happened and agree on a course of action which might change over time - everything does. If you know where she lives, send a little note once a fortnight - I leave a message on my daughter's phone, just so you feel that you have taken some positive action. It's important to do that, otherwise the over controlling partner will be given far more power than he should have.

The other thing is that you have access to so much by having access to the internet. One of the things I do is genealogy and the internet is great for finding things if that's your thing but there is so much other stuff to find and discover. Once you are absorbed in something else, the loneliness will recede and be clear with your husband. Tell him you want him to listen or you will have to take drastic action. I've just tried that and so far, so good. Shopping on a Bank Holiday may well become a thing of the past. Good luck.

I’ve had a similar situation with my oldest son. And to be blunt, it absolutely broke my heart, it was on my mind constantly. I think until it happens to you, you just don’t know how awful it is. We are 3 years on now. And coping. I do think I should have gone to counselling. It didn’t affect my husband like it did me.
It still makes me so sad. But his new in laws are his family now. His choice , not mine.
Wedding cause so much trouble, when they should be happy and joyous for everyone.

I too am in a similar situation re oldest son. We have been estranged 8 years. I know where he lives, have written to him, emailed him, text him - all to no avail.
My main issue is do I remove him from my Will. If he doesn’t care about me why should I care about him. Difficult decision. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Granless, removing from the will is not to be taken lightly and I have no wish to go into personal details but I'd see it as a very last resort. There is absolutely no recourse once a person has died and even if a relationship has really broken down being 'cut out' is very final. You many choose not to leave any of your monies but do at least leave words of some comfort that can reflect your true feelings even if the child no longer wishes to be in contact.

Hello, Granless. I'm sorry, I don't have any advice to offer for your predicament. May I suggest you start another thread with your question as it's in danger of being overlooked as people respond to the first poster and might not read yours? I hope someone will be along with advice for you.
Unwanted, I am so sorry to read of your sadness and do hope that the very good advice proffered so far is helpful for you. I would second HildaW's advice, and seek advice from your GP as I agree you sound to be in a very low place given all that has happened and it is possible you could be depressed, but even if not, talking it through with someone neutral could be beneficial. Take care, and come back on here if it helps.

Dear Unwanted. It sounds as if you are grieving over the loss of your daughter. Please find someone you can talk to about it. But also do send some messages to your DD hopefully that her partner cannot intercept. You may not hear anything but she may turn to you at some point when things change.
Do try to talk to your DH. And do some things that you like even if it's on your own.
All best wishes.

OH had other ideas and that we should go shopping and we had things to do

I expect your OH is also distressed by the recent hard months and had set his mind on things he felt he wanted to get done during the bank holiday.

Choose a relaxed time to tell him how you have been feeling and ask him to do something with you, that you would both like.

Speaking to your GP could be helpful too, as others have said.

P.s.
You say you can't tell your OH what's wrong.
Write a letter and give it to him.

Maybe his suggesting going shopping was his way of trying to do something for you? X

1. This is just what Relate are there to help with you can go alone (I did) and he may join you later (my husband did).
2. You don't have to do everything together. I used to say "I fancy a day by the sea would you like to join me?". Sometimes he did. sometimes he didn't. But I went anyway.
3. And yes, as suggested elsewhere, join something on your own, on a regular basis where you will meet friends.

When my husband died of course I was sad but I was used to going out alone and had a network of friends who supported me.

Unwanted,

Your post was very sad, I agree with a poster who said going to bed you must of felt very low. I know this as a couple of years ago with empty nest and my Mam dying I used to do the same. I now look back and realise I was very sad. Can you see someone at your surgery about quick referral for counselling or just someone to chat to. The pain you have suffered of estrangement is grief and needs to be worked through. One day your daughter will realise and she will be back once she has realised what has happened to her. I don’t understand why any person encourages estrangement from people like this. I also think your husband must feel sad too. My daughter has a boyfriend now and I worry about this also and what you are going through.

I see a lady for counselling and it helps a little.

You must talk to your husband Unwanted and tell him how you feel. As others have suggested, perhaps writing it down would be easier for you.

Losing an adult child through estrangement is a truly awful experience. It's called a 'living bereavement' because there's never a final goodbye. Those of us living this nightmare struggle with grieving for a child still living and learning to accept the horrible realisation that in all probability, we'll never see our AC again.

Your husband and you need one another, just as Mr. S. and I did. You have both lost your D and that is why you are the best person to support him, and he you.

Granless the subject of wills is a difficult one in the best of circumstances let alone when it's about whether or not in include an estranging child.

We took the decision some time ago to dis inherit our ES; we've been estranged 6.5 years. It didn't seem appropriate for him to be a beneficiary of our estate when he's made it absolutely clear, in words and deeds, that he wants nothing to do with us.

I'm sorry you had a rubbish B/H .
Not quite the same, but for communicate you considered joining a few clubs . We moved to a new area so had no friends , and my oh was still at work ( also in my opinion ) it's never a good idea to live in each other's pockets. I joined the WI. Ok they usually only meet up once a month, but ours have a good few sub groups so I can choose to go a walking group, book club , various crafting groups , a social group ( visiting NT properties, theatre trips etc ) and a food group ( trips to cafes, afternoon tea, meals out ).

I thought the advice of the poster who suggested volunteering was good. When I was on my own a lot on bank holidays as husband was away alot for work I thought if I was going to be alone and not enjoying family time then why not help make other people's time better? I helped at the local hospital. They usually welcome people to run the shop, go round and get requests for hospital radio, and then I was a DJ for some years. Also I helped at Crisis one Christmas when I was going to be alone. You can also help in schools, listen to children read maybe? They need more adults to do that with slow readers. You meet nice people when you volunteer. Someone suggested National Trust houses. That sounded like a whole social scene.

You do not share your age unfortunately. I believe it's never too late to learn, have you considered learning to drive, or even ride a bike. If you could get into the nearest town (even by bus) the coaches run loads of cheap journeys and this would also be a way of making possible new friends.

I’m so sorry for your situation. I have suffered from anxiety & depression for many, many years. It sounds as though you are depressed but I think your husband probably is too. I believe that both of you have been deeply affected by the situation with you DD and instead of sharing your feelings you have almost retreated into separate corners to lick your wounds. You need to see your GP about the depression. I would guess your DH is worried sick about you but doesn’t know how to help you. Maybe you could go to the GP together? Please don’t make any decisions until you’re feeling stronger. Let us know how you get on ?

Smileless2012 - I want to go with my gut feeling and cut son out of my Will, my heart is finding the decision difficult.
Thank you for your input.

Unwanted - there has been a lot of positive input here. It seems to me that communication has broken down and neither can’t or don’t want to address it. It, of course, is your decision as to what you do about it but think hard and long. Sometimes hard decisions have to be made.

When you say you are at home this week does it mean you usually work? You really must tell your husband what is bothering you. Men don't think the same way as us so he won't understand if you don't try to explain. My husband never suggests we do anything and it drives me mad, so I sometimes think any suggestion would be better than none. He's hurting too and doesn't know how to handle things. At least he seems to be trying. Would moving away solve anything?

I think Hilda has made some valid points here. It is quite possible that difficult family experiences constitute a type of trauma that has made you react with a bout of depression, please get your husband to take you to the doctor, as he is clearly worried about you I am sure he would like you to get some help. My husband won’t go anywhere on a bank holiday as he says the traffic is always bad. I am lucky enough to be able to drive so I go Garden visiting, sometimes with a friend, but often on my own.

You need a hobby, something to keep you occupied and something to get up for in the morning. Spread your wings if you can, perhaps to a gallery by bus if not shopping. Feed the birds in your garden and get involved with them. After a few years you will find them compulsive. Don't just fill up feeders and throw seed to them. There are suppliers of wild bird food which sends live mealworms one a week for six weeks in varying amounts according to how many birds you feed. They bring you their young in turn and feed them on the ground when they are fledged. To see all those little ones waiting for their meals is so delightful and interesting and you can get involved as much or as little as you want. There must be an RSPB local group near you (or the equivalent if you do not live in UK) and you can make new friends. It is like having pets without the worry of vet bills; like enjoying grandchildren and able to give them back! Wildlife is interesting because they do what they like and you watch to see what they will get up to next, but you can get the same in all sorts of things if you join craft groups. Your local knitting etc. shops usually have connections and there are many adds in shop windows for all sorts of groups. Be positive. Life is so short, believe me. I am widowed, disabled and housebound. I am unable to walk far and I live in a town where the pavements are too narrow for my power wheelchair and the shops to old to have access. You have to make the most of life and enrich it before it leaves you. You never know: when I was 46 I got up to go to work one morning and my legs gave way.

Granless, we took the decision to disinherit our son. Not straight away, I left it a year, upsetting as it was, I just couldn’t have him inherit along side my other children, when he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with us.

Thank you to everyone for the comments and advice and l do appreciate it. I have talked to my OH and have cleared the air. I don't have many days like this but when l do they are really hard to deal with and l just wish l was one of those people who could shout and scream to get it over with but l am not. I know that we are both grieving for our DD and that will never go away but she has a much better family now (her words) and we have to learn to live with that. We were all close until he came on the scene and she changed within weeks of going out with him. We did try to like him and invited him to our home for meals we even had him and his mother to ours for a meal Christmas Eve so we could get to know one and other but little did we know that she was asking our DD to move in with them. So l guess between them they turned her against us. I spoke to the mother the day our DD left and she said that it was time she rebelled after all she ran away from home at 16 to live with her abusive ex (she even gave her son her wedding ring which he in turn gave our DD and didn't see any wrong in that. That was the reason l went to see her) and her own DD's left home as soon as they could although they are now all the best of friends.

We have talked about moving almost every year since she left (6 years now) and have even looked at houses but as yet we haven't been able to make the move. I often think it would be the best thing for both of us to make a fresh start somewhere else that doesn't remind us of her every day. Then just maybe we can get on with out lives without the elephant in the room - probably not the best way to describe it but as it always there we never stop thinking about her.

It is almost the weekend and work is just around the corner (I work in a school so my days are always busy).

I have tried to find local groups but there aren't many in the village and the ones that run are usually in the daytime when l am at work and tend not to run in the school holidays. I find it really hard to talk to people as l never know what to say, l have always been shy and that hasn't gotten any better with age. Buses go to the nearest town which isn't that great and because l work locally another car would be a waste and OH needs his car for his job so can't use that either.

Thank you all again for listening to me and your kind words.