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daughter and mother in law

(87 Posts)
moggie57 Mon 17-Jun-19 21:40:06

my daughter is getting baptised at church this week, si caually asked her whether mother in law was coming.she turns round and says what makes you think she wont be here after all she is my mum.!!! (actually i'm her mum not mother in law) my d has changed since she married husband ,who recently passed way nearly 2 years ago from heart problems,and rightly so she was upset at fathers day service yesterday. but she is always saying things that she knows will upset me. the more i speak out the more upset it makes me ,so i say nothing. yesterday i said i was only asking.i actually said thats great and left it at that. but its gs birthday on friday and in a nasty voice she said WE are celebrating gs birthday at my mums. really says me .i'm your mum ...not mother in law. frosty looks .then in afternoon our community had summer fayre ,and she avoided me most of the afternoon till i made a point of calling gc over to play bagatelle,,,frosty look and says they do as i tell them not you.. so upset that i have made appointment with our pastor ,just really had enough of her nasty remarks.......i have to pussyfoot around her,....she really has changed .she not the d i bought up. dreading her baptism and her testimony...but i have to bite my tongue..

Jaycee5 Tue 18-Jun-19 11:50:30

I agree with people who say that it is probably the shared connection with her late mother in law that is at the heart of it. Maybe you have unintentionally said things that made her feel that you didn't understand.
I think you need to look for other interests and let your daughter come to you as much as possible. Don't invest too much emotion in the relationship as it sounds as if it will help you. It is very sad but there is no easy solution and you must protect your own mental health. See your doctor and don't resist if he suggests medication any more than you would if offered it for any other illness.

BazingaGranny Tue 18-Jun-19 11:51:05

When my daughter got engaged and then married, she discovered that her MiL wanted to be called ‘mummy’ by all the DiLs and SiLs, I found it rather strange and quite hurtful. But in many ways nothing to do with me.

Another thought, if your daughter is being baptised now, as an adult, is she joining the same church as her MiL? This may be very influential on her feelings and actions.

I hope it resolves, please don’t leave in haste, hurtful though it feels at the moment 🌺

Bbbface Tue 18-Jun-19 11:54:48

You asked whether her MIL was coming to her child’s baptism? Clearly very close to her.

Ridiculous question. Would have irritated me too.

Sounds like you need to think before speaking a little more

Bbbface Tue 18-Jun-19 11:56:12

Sorry your daughter not grandchild being baptised.

Of course her very close MIL would be coming if she’d invited someone (you!) she doesn’t seem especially close to.

NemosMum Tue 18-Jun-19 12:21:44

Sounds to me as though your daughter is very immature. Not sure what you can do about her hurtful behaviour, other than to stay dignified. By all means talk to the pastor if that is your source of support. I hope it settles down.

Ironmaiden Tue 18-Jun-19 12:47:04

Bbbface was it necessary for you to be so unkind? Having a bad day?

Tillybelle Tue 18-Jun-19 13:05:49

Dear moggie57. Oh how sad this is! You are obviously in such terrible pain and I know too how much our daughters can hurt us. I really do not think they actually mean what they say. I am sure your DD is depressed and, as you say, is still grieving. I have been through a similar thing with one of my own daughters in particular. At the time it ripped me apart but looking back, although I am not entirely recovered, I honestly think she was taking out on me all her anguish and grief. It is true that sometimes we take out our worst feelings on those we feel safest with. That is why us mothers get such terrible treatment. It is not much comfort to hear it. But the fact that she says hurtful things to you and not to her MiL actually is because she loves you in such a close way and is closer to you than she could ever be to her MiL. Indeed, after losing her DH, this closeness may even frighten her.
I am retired, but I am a trained and experienced Psychologist. I do not often say this but I would like you to think about whether your daughter, when she says horrible things to you, might be projecting her own feelings on to you. Projection is when we have horrible and painful feelings which we cannot bear or do not like and without realising it, we 'project' these feelings onto someone else by saying horrible things to them. Thus your daughter hurls her grief and distress, all the horrible feelings inside herself, onto you. This is so common after a terrible event such as a death. She is in effect, "taking it out on you". She is doing this unconsciously, and it is not deliberate. She thinks she is actually angry with you but really she is terribly upset deep down and you are the only person with whom it is safe for her to feel those feelings. She needs someone to throw all her misery at. But who can she do this to? Not her child! It would destroy him! Not her MiL - she might stop liking her! Who is there in the world to whom we can rant, rave let out our utter misery, and yet they still go on loving us? Our mum, of course!! That's the crazy part! - she can only do this to you because in the whole world you are the only person she really loves and who she knows really loves her back! And now that she has lost someone who should never have died - well, as we know, she has learned that people can die and she's terrified of who she might lose next!! We all fear this deep down. But she probably has this fear nearer the surface.

I am so sorry to say to you that I would like you to stay there and just take it. Obviously you have to say something, but try and make it neutral. It sounds as if you are already good at this. Just nodding and saying "OK, I'll try". or whatever is appropriate. Most importantly - don't take in a single word! Let the words just fall off you like mist evaporating. But just be there because you are her anchor, safety net, rock, whatever analogy you like to use that signifies strength and security. She needs you. Try very hard not to fight back back. Simply love her. Imagine this is a toddler before you who does not understand a world which has stolen her most wonderful love, for the indescribable grief must have rendered her as helpless as a small child. I can't imagine what it must be like for her. The actual things she says are all rubbish as you know, so don't try to make them right with explanations. She is just like a two year old who cannot deal with her feelings. But fortunately she has you! If she did not have you these feelings so easily could turn inward and she might become suicidal.

So how do we build you up so you have enough strength to cope with this? First, do not ignore good nutrition. I am such a hypocrite - I confess - because I do not eat well. But try and eat as well as you can and if necessary take a vitamin supplement.
Then remember to love yourself. This is essential. It is not airy-fairy nonsense. If we do not love ourselves enough to treat ourselves well then we aren't a lot of use to others! There may be some YouTube videos or meditation tapes about this. Indeed meditation, with relaxation may be very helpful to you. You say you are in touch with your Church Pastor so I understand you believe in the Love of God the Father and you know we have a best friend in Jesus. So please remember to ask Him to help you, especially at those times when she is hurting you the most by appearing to favour her MiL.

Regarding her MiL, It is not surprising if this lady has been a bit possessive of your daughter since she lost her son. It is a delicate position for you. This Granny will probably cling to your Grandson a bit more than normal, having suffered the death of his father. I would tread very carefully and ask God to give His divine Love and help to deal with your emotions when this other Granny seems too possessive. It is very hard for you, but it is one of the most generous and kind things you could do, if it helps to heal this poor mother's grief at the death of her son.

Back to you - I am concerned that you are struggling on alone here. I don't like to hear you say you have thought of suicide. Please don't do that. It really is not the answer. I have had to deal with two people close to me who did it and I promise it really would be terrible for your grandson as well as many other people whom you probably can't think of at the moment.

You do need to talk to someone as i'm sure you know so please make an appointment to see your Doctor and say you need a double appointment. Tell him/her about your suicidal thoughts and pour out all your anxieties, burdens, distress about your daughter's words, and your mild autism. Autism is part of my family and my father had it mildly and my children are convinced I also have it! So let's shake e-hands! I think it makes us super-special!! It could mean your daughter is affected to. That might make processing her husband's death very hard as you know.

Will you keep in touch with us and let us know how you are? You are doing extremely well even if you don't feel like it. Believe me, these things do not go on forever!

Sending you lots of love and prayers, Elle flowers

grandtanteJE65 Tue 18-Jun-19 13:13:15

I agree with all the others, your daughter's behaviour is hurtful, extremely so.

May I just point out that calling ones MIL mum used to be the done thing. Of course, if your daughter has always called you Mum rather than Mummy or Ma, I see why that would hurt you, but otherwise it isn't really in itself something to be hurt by. My mother was mortally offended when neither my BIL or my DH would consider calling her Mum, times change.

However, it's not just the name, but the fact that your daughter seems to be closer to her MIL than to you that is the really sad thing.

I don't know how you solve this, but I do think you should tell her quietly that you are happy she gets on well with her MIL, lot of women don't, but you feel left out and you wonder what on earth you can have done or said to cause her to treat you the way she does. Sadly, saying this may get you nowhere, but I think you should tell her quite honestly how you feel.

Gonegirl Tue 18-Jun-19 13:14:29

It's just weird. There must be a back-story. I think we never know half of some of these situations that crop up on here.

Just out of interest OP, are you in America? (not that it makes any difference, I suppose)

fizzers Tue 18-Jun-19 13:42:14

why not ask her why she does this? there has to be a reason behind it

Tillybelle Tue 18-Jun-19 13:42:28

Dear chris8888. How kind of you to speak with support to this suffering lady of your own so sad experience. I can see how having to experience such a untoward death would very easily make anybody impatient and cross with people especially if they say stupid things. I was bereaved by suicide and sometimes I was a bit short when people said "know-it-all" things about suicide. For example in a small women's group where we took turns to give a talk each week and one woman always had the last word. She said something wholly inaccurate on the subject. I corrected her! I was a bit shocked by myself but too bad!

I am terribly sorry to hear that you lost your daughter so young. I lost my husband but even when the Policeman was still holding me up (my legs gave way) I remember having this thought that it would have been worse if it were one of the children.

During my life I have met people who have lost children, through illness mainly but some through accident or crime. I never cease to be amazed at the strength of the parents, in particular the mothers, who keep going, often for the sake of other children. You are a very special group of people indeed.

I do not know if it helps - if not please just ignore me! But I nearly died once. The Doctor thought I was dead and that my new-born first baby was dead also.

I had a Near-Death Experience or Out of Body Experience as they are called.

I can describe it at length but maybe not here. But I do want to tell you that it completely changed me. I know we do not die. I have no doubt at all. I went towards the bright light and I felt the amazing love of the people who all knew me. I was sent back because my baby lived. The Doctor started her heart.

I know your daughter lives on, with many loved ones who were watching her before she went to them and knew her already. She is happy. It is true, there is no more pain and no tears there. You will see her again.

Bless you. flowers

pinkjj27 Tue 18-Jun-19 13:42:39

Please don’t take an over dose Please seek help now.
I think you both need support I too lost my husband and it does make you go through all sort of emotions and question relationships but it sound like there is more going on.
Can you get family concluding through your pastor?.
I am not sure what a real nanny looks like or is meant to look like. I am young and funky and childish but happy and proud of who I am. Be confident in who you are and as long as you know that you are being the best person you can be, you can then put things into perspective and realise that the problem is hers and not anything you have done or the way you look . Once you feel sure about yourself you will feel more able to support her.

And I am going to say this again Don’t take an over dose seek help or come back here to feel listened to.There is room for you here.

Survivor Tue 18-Jun-19 13:48:24

Speak your mind without emotion or anger setting boundaries for behavior you find hurtful. You have a right to your own thoughts and feelings and don't need your daughter's permission to have them. Address the issues as they arise in a calm and clear manner so she understands how you expect to be treated. It's okay to stand up for yourself, sometimes people change and we can't control that, only our reactions and responses to which you are entitled. Hope it helps.

pinkjj27 Tue 18-Jun-19 13:49:56

if you read the 2nd post The op says he feels like killing her self which is a cry for help. She not in a good place and a place I have been before.Some of these replies are a little harsh and might make her rush for the pills. Why cant we just be kind or stay quiet.

Tillybelle Tue 18-Jun-19 13:56:37

regarding asking what the reason behind it is -
I think she may not know or will find a reason but it probably isn't really why she does it. I suspect it might be the flood of grief and possibly depression following the loss of her husband. I hope she is being helped.

You're so right - it is difficult here - we can only suggest what comes to mind because it isn't possible to know much of what is happening or has happened. I think people who write in are good at knowing what is suitable for their situation and what is not. Having lots of people writing back at least gives a lot of experience so there may be one or two answers/suggestions that are helpful.

Just putting forward support, sympathy, our own experience and suggestions for what might help is all we can do. The OP will make up her mind what suits her.

Tillybelle Tue 18-Jun-19 13:59:55

pinkjj27. So well said!!

Oh how I wish this was the first rule! You wrote:

just be kind or stay quiet.

jenpax Tue 18-Jun-19 14:17:48

I found your post a little confusing so am not entirely sure I have grasped all the story. However you mentioned a pastor, if he or she is a shared minister for both you and daughter it might be worth asking him or her to facilitate a mediation session for you both where you can both say what’s in your hearts in an honest way. As a Christian your daughter (and I presume you are also one?) are supposed to be loving and ready to forgive so that if you have hurt her albeit unintentionally maybe the pastor can help you both see common ground?
You mention that you have mild autism and I wonder if you have had any support with this? As others have said people who are Autistic can be a bit blunt and I wonder if something has been said and caused upset?
Do do please seek help too from your GP or at the least call The Samaritans as you sound severely depressed and talk of over dose which is very concerning.

pinkjj27 Tue 18-Jun-19 14:31:03

Sorry op you 2nd post upset me so much I rushed to reply I of course mean Counselling. I have said it before but I do wish There was an edit button on here

pinkjj27 Tue 18-Jun-19 14:31:51

I mean your post not you see edit button needed

agnurse Tue 18-Jun-19 15:35:16

This does sound very hurtful and I'm sorry.

I would suggest that you back off from her for a little bit. As PPs have said, it may just be that she has bonded with MIL over their shared loss and she is trying to ensure that MIL maintains a bond with the family.

Please do not end your life over this. You need to create a life for yourself beyond your daughter and her family. I would strongly encourage that you see your provider to discuss this. (I know that you're seeing your pastor, and that's a great start, but not all pastors are necessarily equipped to handle mental health issues. This is why you may benefit from seeing your provider as well.)

Riversong Tue 18-Jun-19 15:37:01

Take a friend with you on the day so you don't feel so anxious and leave it for a later occasion maybe over a lunch when you two can sit down and talk together . But don't let her put you down. Leave the door open for her to visit you and you get on with your life.

blue60 Tue 18-Jun-19 16:26:14

I hear you. Now, my lovely, please do not contemplate suicide. It will achieve nothing.

You can get through this, with help and support, and everyone on here are here for you if you need to share your feelings.

I can empathise with your situation, and let me tell you it will pass.

I cannot say much more, except to take care of yourself and reach out whenever you need to. xxx

Johno Tue 18-Jun-19 17:28:54

For me.. my self-respect comes first regardless of how anyone else feels. When you assert your respect for yourself you soon see how others treat you with respect. Otherwise you conform to a sort of blackmail and that is not good. I always tell people where I stand, upfront and honest (without being nasty) you can not control what others do but you can control how you react and how you feel about it. Your daughter stands logic on its head, that does not mean you have to do it or agree with it.

Flowerofthewest Tue 18-Jun-19 17:35:44

She sounds spiteful and cruel. Could you write her a letter or even get mil on side

Greciangirl Tue 18-Jun-19 17:36:33

Does she really deserve to be baptised with an attitude like that.
My Dd is often sharp with me, but that’s because I know she is sometimes stressed .
It hurts at the time, but she can also be kind, so I tend to ignore it.
If she steps over the line too far, then I will let her know.