moggie57 I'm just signing off for tonight but wanted to say "hang in there". Things will change in time, believe me. I too have felt very much like you at times in my life. Life does not stand still, changes come in and new things appear and one day you will be so glad you are here. You may hear a piece of music or see a colour of feel the sunshine and know that at last you do feel better. You will get there. There are so many of us holding you up right now, and we are not even all in one place but dotted around the globe! Isn't that amazing? All of us holding you up Moggie?
I know people here are saying your daughter is not being Christian and so on. Please do not fall into that trap. She is lost in the dessert right now. You too - you just can't find anything to hold onto to help you cope with that feeling that life is too painful and too hard. But remember the first Beatitude? "Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven." I didn't "get" this for years until I read 'The Message"; "“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule." When you are right at the end of your tether and don't know how to cope, then you are kind of empty inside, so - that leaves loads of room for God! Just ask him in! Fill up on Him. Ask for His help and blessing.
If people read this and say "Where was God when he let you get so low?" Please don't fall into that trap! The Devil is the guy who pulls us down low. We all know where the Devil likes to be! That's where he wants to all us! And if he can get us to blame God for illness, bad luck, feeling depressed, being poor, all the terrible things that the world contains, then that is the Devil's biggest game - making us think God invented them! The whole point of this world is that we live here where the Devil lives and he is powerful. But one moment asking for help from God, one moment asking Jesus to com and help us and the Devil is powerless!
I know you won't mind me saying this because you said you are going to talk to your Church Pastor.
I wanted to ask you if you would mind just sending us a short message saying hello. We would love to hear from you. We don't know where on the globe you are so the time zone may not be the same as mine. But whenever you can, please Moggie57, a short message would be so welcome.
I am preparing to just eat something then get off to bed. We were told there was thunder on the way. It's raining but no noises yet.
This was the end of my message but I am going to cut and paste the first part from where it was to here so you can read my feelings about what is happening in your family and finish with those. I should say - I have had a lot of people die. My husband committed suicide - so please do not do it! My three daughters - well, they are adults now. They were 8, 15, and 19 when he died.
I'm just signing off for tonight but wanted to say "hang in there". Things will change in time, believe me. I too have felt very much like you at times in my life. Life does not stand still, changes come in and new things appear and one day you will be so glad you are here. You may hear a piece of music or see a colour of feel the sunshine and know that at last you do feel better. You will get there.
There are so many of us holding you up right now, and we are not even all in one place but dotted around the globe! Isn't that amazing? All of us holding you up Moggie?
Dear moggie57 I am sure your daughter has had a regression of some kind - like a breakdown - and is "sounding off" saying all sorts of crazy and ridiculous things. When children are toddlers they go through a terrible stage of testing their parents to find out where the boundaries are. They feel terribly insecure if a parent allows them too much lee-way. But if a parent is too strict they become too frightened and do not dare explore.
They test the boundaries to find out where they will be held and stopped - where their parent will stop them and say "No". Then they feel safe. So your daughter now she has to look after her son all on her own, that's probably what she thinks in the small hours of the night. She feels as if those loving arms that held her safe have let her go. She is free-falling in the darkness, lashing out screaming to find the boundaries again to know when she will hit the sides, when the safety net will catch her - is it still there? Has the world thrown her out? She is flailing around - completely unmanageable.
You - her poor dear mum, are everything to her. You are the only permanent thing she knows in life. But life has just broken and she needs to test you and see if you are breakable. You are the safety net, the punch bag, the edges of the world that has let her down and cast her out! Now she is testing you.
It's the only way she knows to find out if she is worth loving any more. She doesn't love her late husband's mother! Not "like a mother"! We know that because she doesn't love her enough to treat her badly! She finds it a comfort to be with her because she brings her closer to her dear departed husband. Being in her house is like their courting days. It brings him back. If she keeps near his mother she can keep a bit of him alive... for a while,,,
But she does not love her like we love our mother! She is too polite to her!! Since when was a girl polite to her mother? OK the queen when in public... The mums we really love are the people we, well, we're awful to them aren't we? Us girls? I mean, we take them for granted for a start. We don't say "Thank you for taking me to school and making me say please and thank you and clean my teeth..." Our mums are the people we treat badly when we are difficult toddlers, the person we tell "I hate you!" when we are sulking little girls, our mums are "The stupid cow!" when we are awkward teenagers, and "Oh Gawd not mother again!" as moody young women we lift the phone...
and then - when the unimaginable worst happens, and we have the most awful pain inside us that we just can't bear - we screech it out at ... our mum! Not anyone else. No-one else loves us enough. Everyone else would go away and dump us. Even our mum's friends tell our mum to walk away from us, they tell our mum, we've hurt her enough, save yourself, let her go, she's and adult,...
But to our mum, while we scream the loudest primeval scream we can invent, the nastiest, horribles things at her, .. she stares at us.. because we are just her little girl. Her little baby who had this perfect baby boy. Who was such a perfect baby girl herself, yesterday morning, and then a bride to a lovely man in the afternoon, a man who got sick at tea time, his heart, and died at bed-time and our little girl, screaming great gobs of cruel mouthfuls of killing words at us, our bay daughter is ... a Widow!
You know you won't abandon her. You simply can't. Even though you could really do with a rest. But you will never let her go. She knows. Just don't listen to the words. They are the only way she knows of saying to you "Mum it really hurts. It hurts so much I can't stand it." Hear her pain - she's trying to throw it at you, hear it and say, "Darling I'm so sorry - I love you so much."