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daughter and mother in law

(87 Posts)
moggie57 Mon 17-Jun-19 21:40:06

my daughter is getting baptised at church this week, si caually asked her whether mother in law was coming.she turns round and says what makes you think she wont be here after all she is my mum.!!! (actually i'm her mum not mother in law) my d has changed since she married husband ,who recently passed way nearly 2 years ago from heart problems,and rightly so she was upset at fathers day service yesterday. but she is always saying things that she knows will upset me. the more i speak out the more upset it makes me ,so i say nothing. yesterday i said i was only asking.i actually said thats great and left it at that. but its gs birthday on friday and in a nasty voice she said WE are celebrating gs birthday at my mums. really says me .i'm your mum ...not mother in law. frosty looks .then in afternoon our community had summer fayre ,and she avoided me most of the afternoon till i made a point of calling gc over to play bagatelle,,,frosty look and says they do as i tell them not you.. grrrrrrrr....am so upset that i have made appointment with our pastor ,just really had enough of her nasty remarks.......i have to pussyfoot around her,....she really has changed .she not the d i bought up. dreading her baptism and her testimony...but i have to bite my tongue..

ayokunmi1 Tue 18-Jun-19 19:03:51

No shes treating her mum.like shit and why is this right
Again stiff upper lip she maybe not be well, trying to find a bond with her in law .all thats pants shes disrespectful and thats it.You need to say it just as it is you need to tell her to be mindful of her behaviour towards you. What makes her think she can be this nasty to you.Stand up for whats right tell her how you feel if necessary let her be .

sharon103 Tue 18-Jun-19 19:30:57

You say moggie that your daughter changed when she married her husband so it's not just the bereavement that caused her nasty behavior toward you.
I'm not the kind of person to 'wonder why', if my daughter behaved in the same way to me, I would be asking her why and you don't have to pussy foot around her. You deserve some respect. Regain your self-esteem.
I understand at this time you feel so worn down. I would get some help from your GP. Take a step back until you feel better but in the meantime find some outside interests you enjoy if you can. You look after you. flowers

sharon103 Tue 18-Jun-19 19:35:45

Agree ayokunmi1 I would never let any of my AC talk to me in that way in the first place and they know it.

cassandra264 Tue 18-Jun-19 19:53:52

So sorry you are going through such a bad time. I think you should get some help from your GP too and maybe a referral for counselling. This is likely to help you feel much better about yourself and understand more what is going on generally. Then you will cope better; it will be easier to assert yourself to your daughter; and you can then be open to her about what you think needs to change between you for the relationship to improve.
Lots of love and good luck flowers

Tillybelle Tue 18-Jun-19 20:09:33

moggie57 I'm just signing off for tonight but wanted to say "hang in there". Things will change in time, believe me. I too have felt very much like you at times in my life. Life does not stand still, changes come in and new things appear and one day you will be so glad you are here. You may hear a piece of music or see a colour of feel the sunshine and know that at last you do feel better. You will get there. There are so many of us holding you up right now, and we are not even all in one place but dotted around the globe! Isn't that amazing? All of us holding you up Moggie?
I know people here are saying your daughter is not being Christian and so on. Please do not fall into that trap. She is lost in the dessert right now. You too - you just can't find anything to hold onto to help you cope with that feeling that life is too painful and too hard. But remember the first Beatitude? "Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven." I didn't "get" this for years until I read 'The Message"; "“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule." When you are right at the end of your tether and don't know how to cope, then you are kind of empty inside, so - that leaves loads of room for God! Just ask him in! Fill up on Him. Ask for His help and blessing.

If people read this and say "Where was God when he let you get so low?" Please don't fall into that trap! The Devil is the guy who pulls us down low. We all know where the Devil likes to be! That's where he wants to all us! And if he can get us to blame God for illness, bad luck, feeling depressed, being poor, all the terrible things that the world contains, then that is the Devil's biggest game - making us think God invented them! The whole point of this world is that we live here where the Devil lives and he is powerful. But one moment asking for help from God, one moment asking Jesus to com and help us and the Devil is powerless!

I know you won't mind me saying this because you said you are going to talk to your Church Pastor.

I wanted to ask you if you would mind just sending us a short message saying hello. We would love to hear from you. We don't know where on the globe you are so the time zone may not be the same as mine. But whenever you can, please Moggie57, a short message would be so welcome.

I am preparing to just eat something then get off to bed. We were told there was thunder on the way. It's raining but no noises yet.

This was the end of my message but I am going to cut and paste the first part from where it was to here so you can read my feelings about what is happening in your family and finish with those. I should say - I have had a lot of people die. My husband committed suicide - so please do not do it! My three daughters - well, they are adults now. They were 8, 15, and 19 when he died.

I'm just signing off for tonight but wanted to say "hang in there". Things will change in time, believe me. I too have felt very much like you at times in my life. Life does not stand still, changes come in and new things appear and one day you will be so glad you are here. You may hear a piece of music or see a colour of feel the sunshine and know that at last you do feel better. You will get there.

There are so many of us holding you up right now, and we are not even all in one place but dotted around the globe! Isn't that amazing? All of us holding you up Moggie?

Dear moggie57 I am sure your daughter has had a regression of some kind - like a breakdown - and is "sounding off" saying all sorts of crazy and ridiculous things. When children are toddlers they go through a terrible stage of testing their parents to find out where the boundaries are. They feel terribly insecure if a parent allows them too much lee-way. But if a parent is too strict they become too frightened and do not dare explore.

They test the boundaries to find out where they will be held and stopped - where their parent will stop them and say "No". Then they feel safe. So your daughter now she has to look after her son all on her own, that's probably what she thinks in the small hours of the night. She feels as if those loving arms that held her safe have let her go. She is free-falling in the darkness, lashing out screaming to find the boundaries again to know when she will hit the sides, when the safety net will catch her - is it still there? Has the world thrown her out? She is flailing around - completely unmanageable.

You - her poor dear mum, are everything to her. You are the only permanent thing she knows in life. But life has just broken and she needs to test you and see if you are breakable. You are the safety net, the punch bag, the edges of the world that has let her down and cast her out! Now she is testing you.

It's the only way she knows to find out if she is worth loving any more. She doesn't love her late husband's mother! Not "like a mother"! We know that because she doesn't love her enough to treat her badly! She finds it a comfort to be with her because she brings her closer to her dear departed husband. Being in her house is like their courting days. It brings him back. If she keeps near his mother she can keep a bit of him alive... for a while,,,

But she does not love her like we love our mother! She is too polite to her!! Since when was a girl polite to her mother? OK the queen when in public... The mums we really love are the people we, well, we're awful to them aren't we? Us girls? I mean, we take them for granted for a start. We don't say "Thank you for taking me to school and making me say please and thank you and clean my teeth..." Our mums are the people we treat badly when we are difficult toddlers, the person we tell "I hate you!" when we are sulking little girls, our mums are "The stupid cow!" when we are awkward teenagers, and "Oh Gawd not mother again!" as moody young women we lift the phone...

and then - when the unimaginable worst happens, and we have the most awful pain inside us that we just can't bear - we screech it out at ... our mum! Not anyone else. No-one else loves us enough. Everyone else would go away and dump us. Even our mum's friends tell our mum to walk away from us, they tell our mum, we've hurt her enough, save yourself, let her go, she's and adult,...

But to our mum, while we scream the loudest primeval scream we can invent, the nastiest, horribles things at her, .. she stares at us.. because we are just her little girl. Her little baby who had this perfect baby boy. Who was such a perfect baby girl herself, yesterday morning, and then a bride to a lovely man in the afternoon, a man who got sick at tea time, his heart, and died at bed-time and our little girl, screaming great gobs of cruel mouthfuls of killing words at us, our bay daughter is ... a Widow!

You know you won't abandon her. You simply can't. Even though you could really do with a rest. But you will never let her go. She knows. Just don't listen to the words. They are the only way she knows of saying to you "Mum it really hurts. It hurts so much I can't stand it." Hear her pain - she's trying to throw it at you, hear it and say, "Darling I'm so sorry - I love you so much."

PamGeo Tue 18-Jun-19 20:18:10

Oh Tillybelle, I'm not religious but even I thought that was lovely and supportive, how can anyone follow that with kindness and love for this lady who is religious and therefore won't object to what has been said.

sharon103 Tue 18-Jun-19 20:44:24

Tillybelle, in my honest opinion your last post reads too deep. If I were depressed that would send me down further. Good intentions I know. None of us know the reason for daughter's behavior.

Onestepbeyond Tue 18-Jun-19 21:46:42

Get yourself a new Daughter! adopt one and put her first get rid of this nasty non-daughter

dizzygran Wed 19-Jun-19 09:07:12

So sorry for your pain. Perhaps you are relying too much on your daughter for your social needs. Try to broaden your own circle and activities. It is unusual for a DiL to refer to her MiL in this way - I wonder whether she is also on theautistic spectrum. Try not to wear your heart on your sleeve and resist saying anything in retaliation. Your daughter is trying to find her feet and independence. Be supportive, but remember you are not a door mat. Show that you also have a life of your own. Sending hugs

moggie57 Wed 19-Jun-19 12:04:36

no she deft my daughter.....i know she gets on really well with mil..and she calls her mum .and yes i can see that mil is so very upset at losing her son. but she said she was coping well,and was ok with her son not being in any more pain. many years ago we did have a falling out. though i have forgiven her but i dont forget. we never got on that well anyway.its not her thats at fault .i dont think my daughter realises the things she says are really hurtful.which i am going to suggest tomorrow that she gets some more counselling.

moggie57 Wed 19-Jun-19 12:10:05

thankyou sharon. have seen the dr's today .he didnt recommend anti depressant as i got mild epilepsy and this doesnt help. but am going for ENT and head scan. see if theres any thing else making me so spaced out.somedays i cant think straight. maybe she embarressed that i am like this.i think i will get her and me some councilling to find out why she is so nasty to me.if i speak out it makes me upset .just the way i am....she knows it upsets me. it like she likes what she's doing.

moggie57 Wed 19-Jun-19 12:11:21

thankyou sharon. have seen the dr's today .he didnt recommend anti depressant as i got mild epilepsy and this doesnt help. but am going for ENT and head scan. see if theres any thing else making me so spaced out.somedays i cant think straight. maybe she embarressed that i am like this.i think i will get her and me some councilling to find out why she is so nasty to me.if i speak out it makes me upset .just the way i am....she knows it upsets me. it like she likes what she's doing...

moggie57 Wed 19-Jun-19 12:17:21

i already do a lot . i work voluntary for salvation army charity shop. i go out days with my brother. or go walking...i dont rely on my daughter for anything .because if i ask to visit her .i get the answer we busy. or the gc have an after school learning club.so no day is free for her. / then other days gc have girls and boys brigade.before during summer holidays i had gc on tuesdays all day ,this has now stopped as they are busy..........i really need to sit down with daughter and ask her why she so nasty.

moggie57 Wed 19-Jun-19 12:27:25

many many thanks tillybelle for the uplifting words.i can understand the anger bits as i felt like that mum died. i just never seen it that way...she doesnt do it to mil..as they both share the same grief.but i think my daughter needs some more councilling. being baptised means loving god/jesus and bring her into the church family.i'm just dreading her testimony....i wonder if this week i can sit with the other members of sil family. not going to be pushed out this time. need to stand firm.thankyou to everyone for your kind words and some i dont agree with. my daughter is mine and i love her lots .i could not turn away from her.

sharon103 Wed 19-Jun-19 13:53:17

Wishing you well Moggie and I really hope things work out well for you eventually and glad to hear that keeping yourself occupied most days. Hugs and flowers

Tillybelle Wed 19-Jun-19 15:22:13

God bless you moggie57. It's so good to hear from you. I would try to prepare yourself for your Daughter's Testimonial to have a lot about her MiL in it, I think she is going through a kind of "Craze" on her! Don't repeat that please! I really do to mean to demean her relationship with her, but I am sure that both of them feel closer to their man who died and feels a link to him when they are together. I was very close to a man - not in a Partners or going out together way, indeed I believe he was a non practising gay guy. Anyway he died terribly suddenly. In the months after his death, his mother, with whom he was living at the time of his death and who was a widow, kept phoning me. She said that talking to me made her feel closer to him and I brought him back for her because I knew him very well. That is why I think your daughter is so close to her late husband's mother and the late husband's mother so close to your daughter. Both of them feel they can bring him back through each other. It may take several months but it will slowly fade. Gradually they will loosen their attachment and need for each other.

I wholly agree that your daughter would benefit from Counselling. Who wouldn't after their young husband died? She definitely would benefit. I expect you know that at some points, not at the very beginning but a little way in, people can, while in counselling, become difficult. So just hang on and let it pass. There are some rocky things to work through, especially with such tremendous grief.

I shall pray for you, especially at your daughter's Baptism. Again, just in case the seating arrangement is made difficult for you I would try and find a friend who can support you. Be prepared that it might be hard. I too have been through a similar very hard ceremony in Church and I can simply say, you will get through it, it won't last for ever! People will know you and love you and everybody will know the very sad background. I cried all the way through the ceremony I mentioned even though I did not want to but I couldn't help it. I do hope yours does not last too long! Just try not to expect too much and be prepared if things don't work out how you would like.

It is so good to hear from you!

I shall keep you in my prayers and your grandson and daughter. Trust in the Lord, He will hold you and will understand the pain.
With Christian Love, and Prayers, Elle x 🌈✞ 💐🌺

nanee Thu 20-Jun-19 08:38:50

I have good reason to empathise with both of you. It sounds like you may be suffering a little from misunderstandings. Your daughter must be under bearly tolerable stress (been there myself). She probably is under pressure from the inlaws and just sees you as adding to it. Try and make sure she knows that you're there for her, but accept a back seat if thats all she can offer you for now. Maybe the priest should sort this out, but she'll not thank you for interferring when she is trying to be strong. You all need to be strong for the children, but I cant see why you shouldnt have equal inclusion. Maybe there's something she or you are not saying, due to stress, but try not to leave it too late?

paddyann Thu 20-Jun-19 09:01:35

doesn't "respect" have to be earned sharon and that goes both ways .The OP clearly had issues with her deceased SIL ..in fact I think I remember a previous post by her saying so.Maybe this is the fallout from that time and her daughter is clinging to the woman who loved him as much as she did .We only know one side of the story ,she already mentioned a falling out and that although she has forgiven she hasn't forgot ..maybe she doesn't act as if she has "forgiven" if she hasn't put it behind her and supported a grieving young mum and child UNCONDITIONALLY ..as any mother should .I hope the baptism isn't a search for peace because religion may not be the way to go to find it but I wish this young woman only well.I cant imagine how I would hav ecoped widowed young with a wee baby

moggie57 Thu 20-Jun-19 10:23:18

todays the day i see my pastor. will tell him all that you told me.. am really nervous because i know how my daughter is going to react. she will say that i'm always getting at mil .when actually i'm not .it was a simple question whether mil was coming or not.my daughter wont let me do anything for her .even hold her hand or cuddle her.anyway must get dressed. chat later / xxxxx

Summerlove Thu 20-Jun-19 14:14:19

Good luck today moggie. I hope this helps you find peace

Starlady Fri 21-Jun-19 00:08:58

Moggie, so good to hear from you again, and to see that you have been to your GP and are seeing your pastor. I'm glad, also, that you're honest enough with yourself (and us) to realize that DD may not be comfortable with the "spacey" thinking or with the way you sometimes talk to yourself, etc. Also, I agree with those who say her attitude may have been affected by the fact that you had issues with her beloved H when he was alive and have had issues with her MIL whom she now feels close to.

In fact, that may be why she misinterpreted your question about MIL. You said something like, "Is MIL coming?" but, possibly, DD heard, "I hope your MIL isn't coming!" No one likes to have to watch their words, but, maybe, for the time being, it would be wiser not to mention her MIL at all, unless DD mentions her to you?

Starlady Fri 21-Jun-19 00:11:25

Also, I hope it's not insensitive to ask, but does DD still call you "Mum" or "Mummy?" Or even "Mother?" Maybe she's just trying to suggest that MIL is like a "second Mum?"

Starlady Fri 21-Jun-19 00:21:23

I'm afraid if you ask her why she's "so nasty," she'll just deny it or get mad. IMO, it would be better to ask her why she calls MIL her mum and why she excludes you from things.

Please be cautious if you do this though. You may not like or even understand her replies. And it would be very natural for you to want to defend yourself/argue with her, etc. I just hope you decide to think it all over instead and run it by us to see what we make of it.... Just a thought...

moggie57 Sat 22-Jun-19 10:37:37

ok update on how things went. they didnt.pastor didnt show up .he didnt reaslise i wanted to speak to him in prayer room. anyway have now found out that my d and gc are at mil in kent today. she said WE are celebrating gs birthday in kent....i said had a lovely time.(biting) back a retort.. then sunday the day my d batism is. i asked my d what she was doing after the service. thought i might take her and gc to lunch. NO says d WE are going to lunch. (mil and husband and other siblings of husband)what about me ? she said its family only!!! i'm family says me. no she says its not her arrangement. i did speak to my pastor on the phone. told him what was happening. can see me breaking down in church .i want to go as its my d getting baptised .i only have her.pastor says i need counselling with my daughter .i agreed .thursday evening was nice as i went home with gc for a few hours . all i was offered was a cup of tea.was there for about 2 hours in all.. she had she known i was staying for a few hours she would have had dinner for me. i said a sandwich would be ok. oh says she .no bread.. oh says me. a biscuit maybe. not in front of the children. so i didnt get any food.am wondering what to wear tomorrow as gd was saying she was wearing a dress. troble is i dont like dresses .so just plain black trousers and a nice top, d says a dress please....i cant afford new clothes. so it will be trousers after all.i should be able to wear what i want.

moggie57 Sat 22-Jun-19 10:50:30

we had this out on mothers day last year. i actually got very emotional in church.d was going to mil as she did every sunjday. i asked mil why she thought it was ok to have d on this day,and she said she never thought anything about it as sunday d always went to her house. told my d that she was my d and that she should be at my home for mothers day.in the end i said well maybe you can come for tea instead. so thats what happened. mil and her family are very controlling. its like my d doesnt have a choice in anything. i remember when she first started seeing sil ,and he was saying something and i said d can make her own mind up. he said i was only advising her.. so mil and her family have kind of taken over my d and dont bother about anyone else. especially me..but for my d to urn round and say why would i think that mil would not come up for the baptism and that she was my d mum.. i said i was only asking. very very hurt then. church lady i talked to instead of pastor .said stand up to d and tell her that she beeing rude and hurtful.i dont want to spoil my daughters special day.but am upset as i write this.pastor says her testimony is not about me but about her troubled teenage years .i told him i never heard or know anything of this.its was news to me.she was always around mil house when she was about 15.she met sil at church youth club.