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daughter and mother in law

(87 Posts)
moggie57 Mon 17-Jun-19 21:40:06

my daughter is getting baptised at church this week, si caually asked her whether mother in law was coming.she turns round and says what makes you think she wont be here after all she is my mum.!!! (actually i'm her mum not mother in law) my d has changed since she married husband ,who recently passed way nearly 2 years ago from heart problems,and rightly so she was upset at fathers day service yesterday. but she is always saying things that she knows will upset me. the more i speak out the more upset it makes me ,so i say nothing. yesterday i said i was only asking.i actually said thats great and left it at that. but its gs birthday on friday and in a nasty voice she said WE are celebrating gs birthday at my mums. really says me .i'm your mum ...not mother in law. frosty looks .then in afternoon our community had summer fayre ,and she avoided me most of the afternoon till i made a point of calling gc over to play bagatelle,,,frosty look and says they do as i tell them not you.. so upset that i have made appointment with our pastor ,just really had enough of her nasty remarks.......i have to pussyfoot around her,....she really has changed .she not the d i bought up. dreading her baptism and her testimony...but i have to bite my tongue..

Smileless2012 Sat 22-Jun-19 13:20:23

Oh dear moggieflowers. Of course we all hope that the baptism goes well but be prepared. If your D's testimony is about her "troubled teenage years" you an bet you'll be in there somewhere.

She's treating you very badly and this is clearly being enabled, condoned and possibly encouraged by her in lawsangry.

Of course you should be able to wear what you want but you probably realise that wearing trouser will be a good 'excuse' for her to have a go. I hope she doesn't but I'm sorry to say it is a distinct possibility.

We'll all be thinking of you and please let us know when you can, how it went.

Summerlove Sat 22-Jun-19 20:22:58

I’m sorry moggie.

I think you’ll need to go and prepare to just plaster a smile on your face regardless of what is said.

Regarding no food for two hours, if I had unexpected company for two hours with a small child I would have a hard time scrounging something to offer. Food in the house was usually allocated to meals. I’m sure she wasn’t trying to be hurtful.

Jaycee5 Sun 23-Jun-19 10:36:05

It sounds as if you need someone other than your pastor. If he is counselling your daughter then, if he were a professional counsellor, he would consider counselling you a conflict. Whether he acknowledges that or not (and he does seem to be trying to hang back), I can't see that it will help you at this stage. See someone for yourself and then the Pastor could possibly do some family counselling if she would agree. The advice from his assistant to confront your daughter is fine if you are prepared to accept that she will probably react in a hostile way and you will cause more damage to the relationship. You need help with knowing how to confront her if that is what you choose to do.
It does sound a bit as if she wants to withdraw from you for now and that might be best for both of you. I had to do it from my mother for a while but we have a good relationship now.
Good luck anyway.

Starlady Sun 23-Jun-19 10:54:20

It seems as if you and DD clash over styles, etc. If she and MIL share the same taste, and so on, that may be why D seems to feel so close to her. Her attitude does seem extreme, no doubt.

As far as style is concerned, some things, like how you wear your hair are none of her business. Nor did she have any right to try to tell you what to wear on Mothering Sunday. If she wants people to dress up a little for her baptism, IMO, that's a different matter. I understand if you prefer trousers to dresses - I do too. But I'll wear a dress to formal occasions and would wear one for a special event of my DD's if she asked me to. As Smileless says, if you don't, DD may "have a go at you." Or just use it as another excuse to avoid/exclude you. Please think it over carefully.

Here's hoping all goes well!

Starlady Sun 23-Jun-19 11:06:14

Also, I agree you need to find your own, individual counselor. Seeking advice from your pastor isn't going to work right now, IMO, and he's giving you signals that it won't.

The fact that D has been spending time w/ MIL since she was 15, suggests to me that MIL has been a big influence in D's life. Do your issues regarding MIL and D go back to those early days?

Have you read the book, Toxic Inlaws, by Susan Forward? It describes different kinds of "toxic" ILs. One section is about what the author calls "Engulfers." These are people who welcome their new DIL or SIL into their family (yay!), but try to become totally enmeshed w/ them, to sort of swallow them up, so to speak. That may be what D's ILs have done w/ her. That might explain why she even calls MIL her "mum."

D may have turned to MIL b/c of clashes between the 2 of you. But to act as if her ILs are her family and you're not - that's just so extreme and bizarre that I can't help but think something more is going on here. I could be wrong, of course.

Starlady Sun 23-Jun-19 11:14:31

"If your D's testimony is about her "troubled teenage years" you an bet you'll be in there somewhere."

I agree. Please brace yourself. Hopefully, though, there will be a clue in there as to why she's acting the way she is. If you feel comfortable, please let us know the gist of what she says.

"thursday evening was nice as i went home with gc for a few hours ."

Good! How did this come about?

moggie57 Tue 25-Jun-19 11:55:57

well baptism went ok .i actually sat next ti mil..she said hello... testimony wasnt that bad and it featured her life with her husband and his illness and passing. was very emotional.i actually went and sat next to her when she was finished as a song was played that her and hubby liked.afterwards had photos taken by a friend.wanted to stand next to d so i told mil in law she was still my little matter what she calls you....they went out to lunch. family only . not me i'm not family. lol... so went to carvery with some other church friends.ther friction between me and mil in law goes back to the 1990's before d met hubby.. another story.apart from that day went quite well

Summerlove Tue 25-Jun-19 12:04:54

I’m glad it went as well as it could.

Smileless2012 Wed 26-Jun-19 20:24:38

Thanks for letting us know how it went I'm pleased it wasn't too awful for youflowers

Namsnanny Thu 27-Jun-19 01:47:32

moggie… just caught up with your thread, and I too am very glad the day went off with no aggression towards you.

I might not have gone if I were in your shoes, because of the amount of negativity shown to you. So well done.

Starlady Thu 27-Jun-19 02:48:31

Glad to hear it went well! And that D's testimony didn't say anything negative about you.

If you and MIL have issues dating back to before D even met her deceased DH, then that may have something to do w/ what's going on. If D feels close to MIL b/c of a shared loss, and she knows you and MIL don't really get on, that might explain why she goes to lunch w/ MIL and excludes you. I'm so sorry about this, but I think that's what it is.