elderly mother with narcissistic personality disorder

thanks for helpful replies

as for others, to be called "cruel" and "unbelievable" is almost as hurtful as my mother's comments over the years.

Feeling very low now

ziggy I was referring to the post above mine written by movingon when I said unbelievable not your original post
keep your scissors sharpened and keep cutting her out one bitter post

I have a mother in her 80's who was totally horrible to me all through my childhood, teenage years and to a lesser extent my adult years.

I just put up with it, because I thought I was the child, she was the parent. Now I am an adult, I decide what I can or can't put up with.

I came to a decision in my 50's that from then on, I would do what I wanted to do and have stuck to it. It's about taking care of yourself, your self esteem and the fact that you have feelings. I acknowledge my feelings, and respond to them., even if it disappoints others.

My advice to you is to start putting yourself first; only give what is possible without hurt to yourself; start saying no - it takes time but you will get there as I have.

Take time to enjoy what is important to you, and focus on positive feelings. I have distanced myself, I have to say, but cannot be mean minded and adopt no contact. I can cope with contact, but on my own terms.

Hope that gives you food for thought xx

It is very difficult for someone to be diagnosed with NPD because they do not think there is anything wrong with them and would never seek help because everyone else is the problem, not them.

NPD is not a mental illness, it is a pattern of behaviour that is toxic. Those with NPD have no empathy for anyone, never take responsibility for their behaviour and destroy relationships/lives to get their own way with no regard for consequences, as consequences apply to everyone else, not them.

Unless you have been targeted by someone with NPD or with NPD traits, you can never understand. Ziggy62, I am in a very similar situation as you. My MIL is elderly with severe NPD traits. She caused insurmountable harm to my husband and our family and my husband has nothing to do with his mother either. People who do not understand will always judge. There are a few people on here in a similar situation. Smilesless2012 is one of them and I can see that she has already responded to your thread.

Gonegirl - your post is ridiculous! Calling the OP cruel is laughable. You really have no idea, do you?

*Gonegirl" why is the OP cruel?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thankfully the last few posts have been supportive. I hope this helps you Ziggy.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

*Ziggy*.

Quizqueen your post about removing the audience is in line with something I read about narcissists a couple of years ago. The only way to win the game is to stop playing.

Hear, hear gonegirl
NPD seems to be flavour of the month even when people are cutting off their own noses to spite their faces.

Did you take your mother to see a psychiatrist after your father died, then, when your father died, cut your mother out of your life? That doesn't sound very empathic to me. Did this psychiatrist diagnose that your mother has NPD?

Presumably your children and grandchildren are in touch with your mother as she tries to regain contact with you through them (if I have read this correctly) and you no longer have contact with them either.
Or does she not see them either?

Why do you want help with coping with her if you have cut her out of your life?

I am

very in fact.

Missfoodlove Your mother sounds a lot like my father. I had the 'golden child/scapegoat' problem too. His favourite saying was 'why can't you be like your sister' which I got repeatedly. She grew up comparing herself favourably to others which hasn't really done her any favours. He gave my toys away when I was 10 (my sisters weren't touched) but would lecture us on respect for other people's property. I cut contact at 19 after I had left home although I did see him once more after that. I know that by doing so I have given him what he wanted as he made it clear that he could not see the point of more than one daughter. People who haven't had to deal with it will never understand.
Ziggy62 Ignore people who are making spiteful comments. Some people just enjoy doing that and you are not the only one who has had it here.
There is nothing cruel about protecting your own mental health. Parents do have a choice as to whether they are kind or not. It can destroy other relationships because it is can be very focused on one person and so other's don't see it. You do have your relationship with your new husband to protect and trying to deal with your mother could well mean that you are too focused on that.

It seems to me that we cannot form an opinion about the elderly mother. It also seems a little odd that the children have reacted the way they have too.
I agree, and that's why I wondered if this same psychiatrist had made an actual diagnosis of NPD when the OP took her mother (who had perhaps been recently bereaved?) to see her privately.

I hear what you are saying Mawbroonsback, but to echo what Misslovefood said, for some people, NPD is very real and not just some buzzword.

Ziggy62, there are some very good sites out there for those who have loved ones with personality disorders. They offer guidance and support whether you are ‘no contact’ or not. You will find greater understanding there. If you want to know the site, let me know and I will send you a message.

I hear what you are saying Mawbroonsback, but to echo what Misslovefood said, for some people, NPD is very real and not just some buzzword.
It depends if it is pathological or used as a loose definition of certain personality traits.

I think there are some very cruel people on this thread who shouldn’t be commenting on a relationships thread and I hope the OP is ok.

Momof3 I still cannot understand why the OP would wish for advice on coping with an elderly mother who allegedly has NPD if she has cut her out of her life.

I am just

I concur wholeheartedly above with Momof3.
If you have nothing kindly constructive to say; well then say nothing at all.
Take care OP
Dawn

I'm specifically looking for advice from others who are coping with an elderly mother with NPD
So, I went NC in September 2014 just after I met my new husband
Having done this she continues to find ways to contact me and sadly I no longer see my 2 children or my 3 grandchildren.

How is she contacting you, Ziggy - does she phone? Can you change your number and go ex-directory?

I am finding it difficult to grasp, Dawn22 and if it was all clearer, we could perhaps help.

*ziggy I was referring to the post above mine written by movingon when I said unbelievable not your original post
keep your scissors sharpened and keep cutting her out one bitter post*

What's unbelievable about cutting off an emotionally abusive parent? And how is it "bitter," to suggest this? I don't understand the mindset of people who say -"but that's your mother." So? Does that mean that OE should put up with abuse?

But no one ever tells the abusive parent, -_" but that's your adult child." Again parents are not mini gods and trust me there are some really horrible a abusive parents out there that deserve to be cut off and OP shouldn't be told that she's cruel just because she cut off her NPD emotionally abusive parent whose husband died. Did the death only affect her mother? I mean OP also lost a father in all of this. And his death did not take away her NPD either. It simply just made her a widow with NPD.

So sorry OP. Take care of yourself. Some of these posters are commenting the way they are for they belie that as parents they should never be cut off of their children's lives irrespective of the harm that they may cause.

Hugs! And hope some of these comments didn't stress you out more.

Ziggy62, I’m sorry people have been unkind.

Are you familiar with the Reddit? There’s an entire forum devoted to this topic. I think you would find lots of support and truly helpful advice there.

thank you so much for the helpful replies, especially those who have unfortunately had experience of NPD. I guess if you have never suffered the trauma of dealing with a mother like mine it's easy to criticise and call me names but heyho I've had that for nearly 58 years so will just ignore those few ignorant folk.

I didn't read all the messages last night as decided it wasn't wise to stay around to read anymore negative comments but will have a good read of the positive comments later

many thanks

oh and can I request if you have NO experience of a parent with NPD and you just want to cause trouble, please find another thread to destroy.

It is very interesting the way that some posters have reacted to the OP.
How unpleasant to attack someone who has asked for help.
Callistemon, The OP has gone NC with her mother however if you read the post she states that her mother has found ways to contact her and has clearly created havoc with her family. This is classic behaviour.
Because they can no longer control you directly they do it by influencing those closest to you.

My mother did this with family telling them lies about me to “ divide and rule”
As a child my mother threatened to kill her self if ever I went against her wishes, her favourite expression was “you will be the death of me” This was her evil way of training me to always comply. This again is classic behaviour.
When you have been trained in this way from a young age it is so hard to break away.
I only ever managed it for 12 months.
I caved in because my mother had gone on a huge spree, it was a smear campaign that was very well executed and 13 years on I’m still dealing with the fall out.
All the staff in my mothers home think that she is such a sweet old lady and I have not corrected them, that would be cruel. If I told them the truth I doubt for 1 minute they would believe me and why would they?
You see people don’t believe you because no mother would do such a thing or why would a mother do such a thing.....!
My mother was articulate, clever, attractive, she new exactly how to groom people to always take her side, believe her and be enthralled to her.
I was a young girl with low self esteem, few friends, an abusive father and a bully for a brother, I had no chance.
Thank goodness I saw the light!

MovingOn2018 Wed 19-Jun-19 20:34:26

I see a lot of narcissistic traits from some of these posts alone.

I think there's a point being proved there.