elderly mother with narcissistic personality disorder

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I didn't say there was anything wrong with tea & sympathy dawn22 just that there are other opinions and reactions.

Good morning and Happy Summer Solstice to you all. I planned to get up at 4.30 to watch the sun rise in the garden with a nice cup of earl grey tea , I woke just after 4am and it was bright day light. I missed the sunrise lol. Ah well we're off to a Solstice celebration tomorrow afternoon which I'm really looking forward to.

Thank you for all the messages I've received. It's very sad to hear others stories but I think having a place to come and discuss things (tea & sympathy ) is so helpful.
As mentioned I had therapy but chatting to others who know exactly how I feel makes it so much easier to deal with.

In answer to question about how my mother contacts me. She creates new Facebook accounts every few months and then requests myself, my husband and some of my cousins as friends. I usually just delete request and block her but stupidly last week I replied asking her once again not to keep doing this. I explained I wished her no ill, I'm glad she's got family to look after her and she's got lots of friends at church but that I was happy with my new husband & I just wanted to get on with my life in peace. Her reply was "I'm sick to death of hearing how happy you are with your husband...…………….." . This brought back memories of the day after our wedding where she posted a pic of my husband and I stating I had obviously married him for his money as I certainly couldn't have married him for his looks.
As for the reasons I don't see my children or grandchildren I cant really discuss this on here.

Mmm. I am still worrying about the labelling of people in this way.

Fairly obviously some people have character clashes, some are difficult to live with and some behave so appallingly that the person they behave like that toward should not be expected to tolerate it.

My niece is a psychologist who works with children and young people. She rarely talks about her work but I know some of what she has been told is incredibly extreme. When we have talked about what she does (in general) she has said that the most difficult cases are where she needs to help people see that the only thing that can change in that relationship is themselves.

The other person is not, currently, going to change. It is all about building resilience. It's about you, not them. It is how you that you can change you, not them.

It sounds to me as if you are still saying "if only they didn't do X I would not be in pain." But they are not going to stop and you need to be able to get outside the relationship and see why X is painful for you and how else you can look at it.

I really doubt if this can be done on your own in some cases and I doubt even more if repeating how bad the other person is does anything to make you feel better.

People in their 80s sometimes fear old age , not being wanted, and dying. Why let this problem of the old get under your skin? It's understandable that one feels guilt and sadness about the transient life and final days of one's aged parent. But this is a time for the son or daughter to try to be pragmatic which includes precisely [black] not[black] making her poor old life even more miserable!

I'm sorry, but if someone insulted my partner that way, I wouldn't want anything to do with them.

FIL tried to destroy our marriage with some comments reminiscent of this. Hubby has gone VLC with him and I have no relationship with him.

Agnurse
exactly, I've had nearly 60 years of her insults and cruelty but to say such an awful thing about the most wonderfully kind and understanding man I have ever met is unforgivable. Although I must admit I had to admire her ability to copy our wedding pic from my husband's facebook page then share it at the age of 80 lol.

I think you have done the right thing with FIL, although I'm sure there will be many posts disagreeing. It's hard to understand why a parent wouldn't want their adult child to have a happy marriage.

I've just ordered a book from Amazon that is recommended for adult children of NPD.

I feel so much stronger after reading posts from others coping with this, although I wish none of us needed to be here.

I'm sure we can all support each other xx

Unforgiveable is a strong word. I bet your partner man is less of a wimp than you imagine him to be. This old woman is in a weak position with no partner man to console her in her old age.

You are now old enough and strong enough to parent this old woman according to her needs and your needs.
You and others are medicalising bad temper and selfishness with this trendy diagnosis of so- called 'narcissism' .

If Ziggy could manage to keep a kindly eye on this terrible old woman that would be excellent. However I do recognise that she is only human and has her limit like me and everyone else.

Having read one or two posts from grans who have had bullying, unkind, lying, manipulative mothers I can see more clearly what the problem is. Telling lies about someone whether or not they are a relative is slander or libel.

Alexa
If only that were true

Alexa. It does not really help that they may be slander or libel. Are you seriously suggesting taking parents who do this to court? If not, that is really irrelevant.
No one should tell a child that they should just put up with an abusive parent. I don't see why people should try to guilt trip adult children who don't want to deal with it either. After all, they have had to deal with the impact it has had on their own confidence. People are entitled to protect their own mental health and if others want to criticise them for that, then they just lack empathy.

I explained I wished her no ill, I'm glad she's got family to look after her and she's got lots of friends at church but that I was happy with my new husband & I just wanted to get on with my life in peace.

Your mother has family and lots of friends. You have your husband and no contact with your family.

That is puzzling me.

Gracesgran good post and food for thought in there.

"Alexa. It does not really help that they may be slander or libel. Are you seriously suggesting taking parents who do this to court? "

No. Actual criminals avoid punishment if there are extenuating circumstances. Ziggy might know of circumstances in her mother's childhood that caused her to be bad tempered, and this knowledge might help Ziggy to accept what she can't change.

It is really hard following this thread with so many posts deleted and so many others responding to specific posts.

Another reason I have requested Gransnet to administer provision to 'reply' directly to individuals within a thread (similar to Facebook) Please Laura?

Maybe this has been asked but Ziggy62 has your mum ALWAYS shown these signs of NPD or is it something that has come on with age?

If it is the former I can certainly understand anyone advising 'no contact' but if latter then it is more complex.

In any event, you really need to do what you think is right for you and your family. If your mother's words are causing you to be ill then I would suggest you give yourself space. IF, you know it is because she has say dementia and want to help then you probably need to ignore her nasty comments?

Not really certain what you are dealing with t.b.h.

This old woman is in a weak position with no partner man to console her in her old age

You are now old enough and strong enough to parent this old woman according to her needs and your needs

This post just made me roll my eyes. Again parents are NOT mini gods!

You and others are medicalising bad temper and selfishness with this trendy diagnosis of so- called 'narcissism'

Really? Its not like you know her mother personally to contest her NPD and blame shift the posters?

Telling lies about someone whether or not they are a relative is slander or libel

And what does any of this got to do with her post? The truth can never be labelled as slander or libel and people have a legal right to express themselves in truth.

and this knowledge might help Ziggy to accept what she can't change

Okay and why can't her NPD more simply accept what she can't change? Why would her adult child do this? OP is not the one creating fake Facebook accounts to contact her mother, so why are you telling her this? What's the relevance behind it? Maybe you should say this to her NPD mother instead?

A lot of other narcissistic traits in some of these continued posts

Another beautiful morning here. 3 days off work to look forward to, so planning a day tidying the garden. So much to be grateful for. Just booked a 5 day break in Berlin to visit the Christmas markets in December. When my first husband died , on the dark days I would wake up and think of all the good things in my life. Having grown up affected by my mother's NPD I found doing this each day makes life easier and stops me falling back into the horrors of depression.

Tedber, thanks for your post. In reply, she certainly doesn't have dementia. Her memory is far better than mine lol. She leads a very active life, goes on many holidays alone, walks into town most days, joins many groups (although soon falls out with other members and then moves on). And yes, she has always shown signs of NPD. A few years before I was born she was sectioned and admitted to a mental hospital (which back in the late 50's must have been a horrendous experience for both her and my father). Through out my childhood I was constantly told "If I end up back in that mental hospital it will be all your fault".

MovingOn2018, many thanks for your sensible post. Some of the comments on here are quite strange but its a difficult condition to understand. I think the term NPD is used too often to describe people who are just selfish/self centred. whereas dealing with a parent with "real" NPD is heart breaking. I see other women my age out shopping/having lunch with their elderly mothers and feel quite guilty. That would be my worse nightmare. I hear others saying that their mothers are their best friend and they cant face the thought of losing them. Those feelings are totally alien to me.

Tedber you might get a better reception if you called Laura Lara by her actual name.

Movingon2018,
You wrote after quoting me extensively:

"A lot of other narcissistic traits in some of these continued posts"

I don't know how to contact the moderator to have this calumny removed however I trust the mod will see it and remove it.

Sorry I cant remember who recommended I take a look at Quora but I just wanted to say a big Thank You. Very helpful.

Just had a quick look this morning and had to pass on a wonderful tip from the site "every normal person should become an expert on narcissistic personality disorder".

I've also started reading a book that was recommended. Like therapy I'm sure it's going to be painful reading but it will be worth it in the end.

Ziggy62, there is a really good forum called Out of the Fog. You should have a read if you have time.

GracesGran….Very good post. For me para 5 is particularly difficult to put into action!

Movingon2018
You wrote after quoting me extensively:

"A lot of other narcissistic traits in some of these continued posts"

I don't know how to contact the moderator to have this calumny removed however I trust the mod will see it and remove it

Stop trying to make a mountain out of a molehill. How can you claim and conclude any of this to be false and defamatory statements (calumny) against you, and with the sole intent of damaging your reputation (not unless you used the phrase calumny in error) - when I don't even know you, and you're here under a pseudonym? Stop placing yourself in the vulnerable victim position. People have a right to ve and share a different perspective to your opinion. Also, quoting your exact words, and drawing an opinion from them is not slander. Those are your words, from your own mouth. At no point were they twisted to mean something else. And you can't control the manner in which others choose to perceive and or interpret the words that come out of your mouth.

GG65 thank you . I will take a look

MovingOn2018 Well said, thank you

Hoping some of people who posted at the beginning of this thread, especially the ladies who have experience of a parent with NPD, will return and ignore the negative posts.

The sun is shining here today and I have a day off work, so plan to do a bit of ironing then enjoy a day in the garden reading.

Thinking of everyone struggling today xx

I think we might all be here "under a pseudonym".

Ignore that. I misread a previous post.