Trusting future SiL

I think you're right to be concerned about emotional abuse by potential spouse which often turns into estrangement or, god forbid, physical abuse.
Can you offer to pay for family counseling to address these issues with a professional?

Has she been pushed into setting a date? Doesn't she see any red flags at all?

I'm glad you and she still talk, that's a good sign but being forced to hide a social drink is not.

. DD gave up her car (can’t go into reasons why) & now he takes her everywhere. Seems good on paper but she has no “free” life

I can't really see that this is his fault or that he is controlling. If someone gives up their car and then relies on their partner to take them everywhere, that's up to them really. Why doesn't she use public transport if this arrangement is cramping her style ?

He abhors alcohol, problems as a youngster? We as a family drink socially. DD has taken to drinking in secret but gets found out

Regarding the drinking - she comes from a drinking family, but now lives with and is going to marry someone who abhors alcohol. Once again, her choice , she knows he hates it. But instead of talking to him about it or coming to some arrangement to "agree to disagree" about alcohol, she is drinking in secret which then leads to fights.

Sorry but I can't really see that her partner is controlling her - more that she has made some choices in her life which she now finds stifling. Choosing not to drive / getting him to drive her everywhere , and drinking in secret , are her choices, not his.

My thought is that she needs to look at her relationship . Instead of planning a wedding she might be better off reviewing whether they are actually suited as a couple.

Stella, maybe she didn’t ‘choose’ to give up her car. We don’t know because the OP hasn’t told us.
Even if they only have one car now she should be able to go out in it on her own.
We have 2 cars they are ours, not his and mine.

I'm another one who understands your being concerned, OliverZach, if you feel DD's fiance is controlling. I don't blame you for approaching her about emotional abuse if you fear this is the case. If she doesn't see it, though, nothing you say will make her.

"We as a family drink socially. DD has taken to drinking in secret but gets found out which results in rows & accusations."

I'm a little confused. Ive never heard of "secret social drinking." To be "social" a drink has to be taken around other people. When someone hides their drinking, it is usually a more serious issue. It sounds as if there's a deeper problem here than you realize, but perhaps her partner just doesn't know how to handle it.

"What do I do?"

Hard to say b/c I'm not clear on what's going on or whether DD is really just drinking socially or not. Does DD's partner appear to be controlling in any other way? You say she has lived w/ him for "many years." Did he always seem controlling or is this of recent vintage?

'Encouraging' a partner to give up their car is a well known method of coercive control, especially in rural areas. The excuse that it saves money is hard to argue with if finances are a bit tight. Being taken everywhere means surrendering independence which is hard to get it back once it's gone.

Starlady, I believe the OP's daughter is drinking in secret, not socially. Knowing it will cause a row if discovered is her way of trying to keep some control over her life.

Why on earth is she still with him?

I agree Merlotgran there are indications here that all is not well. OliverZach don't pressure your daughter too much but let her know she can talk to you and you will support her. Unfortunately this is another of those situations where the person concerned has to admit the problem and take the first step to getting help. I hope things go well for you all.

Is setting the date of the wedding another sign of his control?

Like deciding not to drive. It could be a decision freely reached or it could be the result of pressure from her partner.

I'm confused about the secret drinking.
Does she drink when visiting, say, hoping he won't know?
Or does she drink on her own? (which can't be much fun)

If it is a controlling relationship, there's a chance he could try to stop her from seeing you, using your social drinking as an excuse.
On the other hand, maybe your family actually drinks more than is sensible and he wants to protect her from that.

It can sometimes be very hard to tell the difference between making reasonable compromises and being controlled.

I fully understand your concern. In my case the boot is on the other foot it is my son who is in an' abusive' relationship. She has controlled him in such a way that he doesn't realise she's doing it. she's cut him off from all his friends and his family. She is so cunning it's unreal.It's frightening!

To be honest I'm wondering if there is more to this "drinking secretly" than just him not liking it? Secret drinking never sounds good anyway and if she is drinking too much that could be the reason for him driving her everywhere.

But if she is drinking because she is unhappy then that needs to be addressed.

I'm quite shocked by some of the messages here basically telling the OP not to be so silly sure its ok etc - we dont address the OP's concerns by trivialising them!! Control is often subtle, but removing transport etc isn't exactly covert it is.

So back to your DD, OP do they have any children? Does she live near you? If anything happened could you take her in? What would happen if you told her you were worried?

Wondering why she is still with him though I know it’s hard to walk away from an abusive relationship. Are there any children?

Does your daughter and her partner have children? Why do they want to get married? They seem to have got along for many years without getting married.

Could you maybe get her a few books on control and all the forms it can take. It is really hard to see it yourself as it can be so easily seen as ok. If your worried, then something is going on that is not in her best interests.

I wouldn't marry someone like that if he was the last man on earth.
Sadly, those with controlling/psychologically abusive partners get drawn-in to such an extent that it can take a long time before they realise that their lives are " different ", as love can be blind and before they know it they themselves can eventually suffer from mental health issues which can take months if not years to recover from.

All the hallmarks of a controlling partner, loss of transport, dependance on partner for any outside contact etc.
As to 'secret drinking' this could mean that the D has a drink when she visits her family, not that it is a problem, social drinking, which her partner disapproves of.
IMO, it's best to let your daughter know that you are aware of her situation, and while unhappy about it, you support her and will continue to do so, regardless of what happens.
As has been stated, your D needs to recognise the situation she is in, acknowledge it, and want to move on.
Often, knowing that she has somewhere to go, when needed, is huge and will give her the strength to leave when it's time.
In the meantime, non-judgemental loving support is all you can offer at the moment. Let her know you love her, tell her often, and keep telling her she can always come home to you, as often as necessary. That goes a long way to counter-acting his control.

I understand very well why you are concerned. Unfortunately, as you DD is getting married, she is highly unlikely to listen to any doubts you express about her fiancé or about their relationship.

Whatever you say about him will be taken as unfair crticism and offend your daughter.

Drinking in secret is not a good thing, as it rather points to the fact that your DD knows she is doing it because she cannot do without it.

Her fiancé seems to have good reason to dislike drink and quite honestly I think your daughter will need to accept that if she is to be with him their household needs to be tee-total.

If her drinking has got out of hand, she is not likely to listen to you on that subject either. Believe me, I speak from experience when I say that you cannot help an alcoholic until he or she asks for help and really wants it.

I take it she gave up her car due to pressure from her fiancé. If that is so, I understand your concern, especially as it sounds as if he only allows her to go to places he is willing to take her.

The really sad thing is that abused or oppressed women, like alcoholics, cannot be helped unless they acknowledge the problem and ask for help.

You say you have tried to discuss emotional control and she brushed you off, saying everything was fine. Have you tried to discuss why she is drinking in secret? Everything is not fine, if anyone is drinking in secret.

Might she be more willing to listen to her sister than to you?

Right now I think you probably cannot do anything. If you say nor more, there is at least a chance she will come to you for help when she realises she needs it.

You don't mention whether you get on well with your prospective son-in-law or not. Try to get on with him, it might just make things easier for you all.

I have the impression the alcohol is secret from him not anyone else. I am so sorry to hear your daughter is in this situation. Please stick with her, don't allow him to alienate her from you no matter what happens. If you could suggest that he is using coercive control to manipulate her and explain how this works maybe she will realise what is going on. Its so hard because people cannot believe that this is actually happening to them or dont want to. She will need you when this deteriorates. He has his own issues and it's up to him to get help but that may be a long way off. Best of luck to you and your daughter

They have been together for some time and all of a sudden these things crop up? Strange!
It would have helped to explain why she has given up her car - we can't assume with so little evidence as to the reason behind it surely? If it was for financial reasons, it is understandable but if it was because he told her to, different matter or maybe she has lost her licence and not told you deciding to put the blame on him is easier.
Likewise with the drinking - whatever his reasons for not liking alcohol, the fact that she is drinking in secret imo says more about their relationship than his attitude - and in some ways I can understand his anger if there have been previous consequences but it doesn't mean he is controlling!
Understandably you are worried that the sister's history is repeating itself but it doesn't always follow. At the moment, all you can do is take a back seat and watch what happens - if you speak to your daughter, while with the best intentions, she may well take it as criticism and shut the door on you.

Its a huge worry and there are a few red flags. Taking away her independence and having him drive her around and not allowing her to drink so she has to do it secretly. I would talk to your daughter and tell her you support her to keep the channel open.

What happens if your daughter drinks openly in front of him? He does sound controlling but if you have to do things in secret to keep the peace, it sounds like they are transacting as Parent/Child which is not a good basis for a marriage. I don't know what the answer is but I would encourage your daughter to find a solution about the drinking at the very least.

The drinking in secret doesn't mean she's dependant on alcohol. If she were it would probably be impossible to conceal it. I think it's more about refusing to give up every little aspect of her life because of his behaviour.

She will make excuses for his control and more than likely refuse to see there is anything wrong with their relationship.

Oliver, I don't really understand your last paragraph. Perhaps you would like to come back and explain further?

Its domestic abuse (I know full well about this as it took me 16 years to leave) you cant make her see anything or do anything until she is ready

Here is a link to Womens Aid which also gives supportive help to families etc of. Good luck

www.womensaid.org.uk/