Can't take it any more

SJ23
No point in wasting your time involving the police: this is a civil matter and there is no written 'agreement'
Please don't engage a solicitor, they will just ramp up the problem and cost you money.
Do as MOnica said: give him clear notice, stick to it and change the locks on the leaving day.
I have evicted people from property we once owned. In neither case a solicitor or police were involved.
In both cases they weren't happy but neither was I.
One hadn't paid rent for 6 months and in the other 8 people were hot bedding it when we had let the flat to 3 people.

To break the news, could you maybe be in a public place, say for example go out for a meal, with a good friend that you have on side and have the discussion there so you are not alone, and he is less likely to become angry in a public setting?

Have your list ready:

State that you need your own space back
The deadline is....end of August
Storage companies details are xxxx
...and here are some current rental options.....

Could your “Mum be needing to move in to live with you” - even if that is not the case?

Do you have any friends that you can have confidentially on-side who will come to the house on request, if he is being “angry”, so that you are not alone?

I'd dearly love to be able to have a proper and honest conversation........but my words get miscontrued until my heads in a whirl

Why don't you write everyting down in a letter to him? He won't like it, but he won't be able to interrupt or belittle you.

It beggars belief this man has the cheek to treat you like this in your own home. He's manipulating and bullying you and clearly has no respect for you.

Why has he never attempted to make your relationship more permanent in the previous 20 years you've been a couple? The cynical side of me thinks he's tight (and selfish)...living with his parents, then imposing on you... he could've found somewhere to rent, until his father's house is sold.

This man is a scrounger. He has probably scrounged all of his life . You need to get up the courage to show him the door (literally) . He is bringing you down and it’s not fair. Also as others have said you need to get the locks changed ASAP .

The police are very helpful with advice and back up on eviction. They do take an active interest in matters of bullying - which this situation essentially is. I see no point in consulting a solicitor as your right to enjoy your own home is quite clear.

He needs to go. And soon. He's not a partner by the sounds of things but an unwelcome lodger.

Tell him to leave, you need your own space.

Go to a solicitor on a 30 minute fuxed fee basis. This will not be too expensive. There is a new law about "coercive behaviour" which would apply to what is happening to you. Good luck and be brave and take this step.

Gaslighting comes to mind in all of this. Be brave and take your life back ❤️

I too smell coercive control here. This has been illegal since 2015. Difficult to prove, of course. Like others, I suggest you see a solicitor and find out exactly where you stand. It's your house and you have a right to live in peace. Hope everything turns out well for you.

Get him OUT.

He is abusing you.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Contact women's aid for practical advice. Do it today.

Get some help from someone you can confide in, doctor, solicitor etc.
Your mental health may be at risk with this kind of gaslighting abuse.

You sound like you have reached the end of your tether with the situation so it is just a matter now of taking the first step to the rest of your life.

What a nasty, nasty man. He needs to be asked to leave as soon as possible!
It's not him that is doing you a favour, it is the other way round!
Give him a date when he must remove his items from your mother's property - get it in writing from a solicitor if need me.
Unless he has something in writing from you to say that he can stay with you and also that he must pay rent etc , don't think he has a leg to stand on!
While you see the solicitor about his belongings, I'd also see how you can get him out of your house but he needs to be given a deadline to leave - don't be scared to involve the police once he has been issued with a letter from your solicitor - tell them everything you have told us and you should get the support you need.

It does sound like coercive control.
See a solicitor and take their advice if you truly want him out.
It sounds to me as if you want him to go but are frightened of being lonely,and you're upset about your mum and need someone to talk to.Try and find a group in your area that gets together with other dementia carers. See what other help is available for your mum. Wishing you the very best of luck whatever you decide to do.

Dear SJ23

My first reaction to learning how you helped this man out when he was in a bad situation and how he has taken advantage of you was : What a horrible man this is!

I am not surprised you write a long letter.
There is such a lot going on in this situation and what comes across at my first reading, as well as the obvious distress, is the terrible confusion you feel about the great unhappiness he causes on the one hand and the feelings of guilt you have if you ask him to change and feelings of dependence you have on him on the other other.

He is doing a lot of things which he has no right to do in your house. He can only leave his things where he does with your permission. Similarly he can only have repairs or jobs done by a workman with your permission. Anyway you say, "I did tell him I felt it wasn't a good idea."
"I was basically bullied into letting him come"
"He also told me it was only temporary - first till Xmas and then till he sorted out his father's financial affair "

He is using coercive control over you. By this I mean he threatens you with worse consequences if you ask him to do anything to improve your situation.

I think most of us reading this will feel he is taking you for granted, bullying you and controlling you. I am very distressed that he feels he is entitled to stop paying you anything and to become a "kept man" because he took you on holiday. He would not have a leg to stand on if he used that in a court to say you owed him money. But you need to get Legal advice.

There is a sentence that really jumps out at me here:

"Even when I go to make a cup of tea, he goes into the kitchen at the same time so we almost trip over each other."

This man is aggressive. It may be passive aggression right now but be careful. Please. His other forms of passive aggression are how he twists your words and confuses you: "I'd dearly love to be able to have a proper honest conversation but it is not a possibility - I have tried but my words get misconstrued till my head gets in a whirl and I am unable to express what I wanted"

When you say you need each other and you can't throw him out while he is grieving his father's death, I fear that he is using both these thoughts of yours to his advantage. I would challenge both of them. His father's death, since he is 70, could not have been totally unexpected. To lose a parent when one is 70 has to be coped with somehow. My own experience and that of many others here will tell you that we would not have used the death of a parent at old-age to make somebody let us stay in their home and use it, however we liked, for as long as we liked! He has inherited the proceeds of his father's estate. He's does not need you. Neither do you do need depression, a house in this state of mess full of his things, time spent in miserable silence, horrible rows, being threatened, feeling fear, feeling you've been taken advantage of, doubting yourself, having anxious thoughts put in your head...

If he left and you and your mother became financially impoverished you would need to find out what Benefits you are entitled to. I promise you, living on benefits and being at peace in your own home is bliss compared to having to please a threatening, demanding, rude and unfeeling person who manipulates your feelings and threatens you so that they may always get their own way and never think about your feelings or point of view.

I apologise that today i am not 100% well, so not writing very well. I know many others will give you good advice and will comfort you with support.

I fear that this man is manipulating you, bullying you. He knows how to make you frightened and what to say to intimidate you. Because he has taken over your home which should be your safe place of tranquility, you are overwhelmed by him and finding it hard to understand your own mind or to think calmly.

It would be very helpful if you could find somebody to talk to, a Counsellor, with whom you could talk about this situation. You would find yourself being able to see more clearly what you want to do. At this stage you are saying you are uncertain if you dare tell him to leave. You fear his being destitute and you fear his turning on you. Most of us would say, this is your house, your home, you have the right to live here as you want. You have the right to go to the kitchen without an altercation. You have the right to sit on the sofa and not have it used as a bed every night. He has no rights to your home. I am assuming he has not got a rent book or signed any formal agreement to pay rent?

I would dearly like to advise you to get legal advice and counselling. Usually one can go to the Doctor and ask for counselling advice.

In the UK it is illegal for a person to coercively control another. This could be in any relationship. You can see that whether they spell it out like Bordersgirl57, or puts it another way, people here do not want him to stay.

He is a bad man, SJ23, he does not care about you, he is using you. His quick replies are excuses for being so horrible. He is blaming you for his nastiness but nothing here is your fault.

I am worried about you having him under your roof. You need help. I would definitely get legal advice, and if necessary phone the Police. Never be shy to phone them if he frightens you.

Good luck my dear, he has taken advantage of your kindness. Now you must look after yourself. Get your home and peace back. With love, Elle ?

SJ23 I really feel for you. So sad about your mum also. You are still young enough to make a life on your own. Please be strong and not let this man overwhelm you any more. I wish you luck.

Imagine you were both in your 40s, maybe even married, and a man began to behave like this - you'd seek legal advice for a divorce. This situation is pretty much the same. Don't be scared of getting legal advice - you can get the 30 minute free session, or I paid £75 for an hour as I wanted someone specific. You need to get support ASAP to get this leech of your house.

The CAB will also be able to advise on solicitors or how to cope without one, see if you can get a one to one appointment.

SJ23
Hi
Your post is all over the place and no wonder. You seem to be pulled hither and thither so let me be frank (and I don't mean harsh)
Let's put aside all the things for which he says you 'owe him'.
You don't so take no notice.
I fully expect that you thanked him at the time so no further thanks are warranted. It's not a constant debt to be pulled out every time you say something he doesn't agree with, so ignore it completely. Do not answer.
My advice?
You don't want him there and regret allowing yourself to be persuaded as he has all but taken over your life BUT one thing is holding you back.
That thing is the fact if being on your own. You cannot envisage being on your own with no siblings or family to enjoy so it's a choice of being in a suffocating, slightly bullying relationship that you'd rather not have versus being master of your own destiny, captain of your own ship.
You say he's not making any financial contributions and, to all intents and purposes is running your life without your agreement.

You don't make clear whether yoyr mum lives with you or has her own home as you mention thst this bully has piled up his belongings in your mum's garage.
Who sleeps in your 2nd bedroom?

Listen...tell him to go.
Give him one full month in writing (signed and dated and keep a copy) to remove all his stuff and never mind his threats about court etc...you've signed no agreement to say his payments were, in fact, loans.
You will not be lonely because we on GN can get you started in groups and with ideas on how to improve your social circle. There is a wealth of knowledge on here for you to tap into and we'll support you all the way.
He has a lot of money from the house sale so can buy a flat or house and rent in the meantime.
Do not be his slave any longer. You are being subservient and he is dominating you by knowing that your achillies heel is not wanting to be alone.
Don't feel any guilt. That will be him making you grateful for any crumbs he chooses to throw.
No more.
I wish you well and just do it.

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Do you have children, brothers, friends to help you move him out after the obligotory written month warning?

I agree with Cherrytree59 counselling would be very helpful. A few sessions is possibly all you need to sort out your feelings and worries.
And see a solicitor who I'm sure will reassure you and tell you how to get him out quickly if that's what you decide. I don't think you need him. I would be holding the door open now!

Changing locks won't work really. He'll just wait for the door to open.

What ANJA said covers it all.
Do you have someone who could be there with you when you tell him to leave?
Controlling behaviour is now illegal, if he carries on taking over and refuses to go, ask the police what your options are.
Good luck, I hope you get your home back.

Gosh. I would pack his bags and put him out sharpish, but I’m very black and white in that respect. He sounds awful

Op - if he buys things for your home and keeps the receipts and has mail delivered to himself at yours then in time he claim half.
Please see a solicitor and list what you want to happen and what your fears are before you go.
You say two up two down but he’s on the sofa so is there a spare bedroom upstairs?
Could you say that you want your mother in it and there’s not room for 3? Could you move my in? Does she have a property to sell? If you don’t have power of attorney then that could take a long time but it’s a thought.
Ultimately - he is making you miserable. Tell him that you’ve had your own space for 29 years and this was temporary - he MUST leave!
What happened to his dads property?