My son has repatriated after four years and it starts!!!

She did say e has already asked her to co-sign a new mortgage, so has reason to be concerned and upset.

I have a mixture of views. As my son died in 1995 age 28 and his father my OH, 11 years ago, the remaining family member is my daughter now approaching 50. Her constant demanding to be financed is always met, savings become depleted and pension is sometimes depleted too. Calling it a loan is always laughable.
But the two reasons I keep supplying are these: 1: I would do anything on earth for her son, my only grandchild. 2. At the back of my mind I feel half of it would be going to my son if he was alive (He was never demanding)
The s-i-l is not great with managing income and nor is she.
But there would be an almighty row if I ever spoke out about my ever-diminishing funds, and I think 'Oh well, it would go to them one day anyway' . So although I can sympathise about the unpleasant son in Canada, I can see how many of us tend to 'keep the peace' rather than 'rock the boat'. She didn't allow me to downsize because I 'must stay in the marital home that was Dad's and will be ours one day'. (To sell, of course.)
Adult kids are difficult and unreasonable, I agree.

I think it was fine to let son know he would have to contribute. He's an adult. Why wouldn't he? Better to be upfront about it.
My son used to borrow money then instead of ringing almost every day would suddenly not contact me for weeks until he hoped I had forgotten about it. I call that childish selfish irresponsible. Children should be grateful when you are generous with them. Why should this couple support an adult who can't manage his own life?

You have over-indulged this man child all his life and this is the adult you have now helped to produce. I'm afraid, the fault, for his behaviour towards you lies entirely with yourselves. His poor wife and children are the ones I feel sorry for as he will surely let them down at some point in the future.

I know this is just another impartial aspect but reading your post Cdn it seems to me that YOUare the one with a lot of unresolved issues regarding your son. In fact, you seem to be holding resentments? One because you feel he owes you money and two about him being in contact with his father. You also seemed to be happy he had moved continents but immediately he says he wants to return you are anticipating problems before they have begun? (obviously I haven't all the facts, just saying how I read it)

I don't think any parent should feel obliged to help out their AD but IF they do they should do it for the right reasons and not feel resentment. If you expected repayment at the time did you work out a payment plan/contract?

I think you are wise to never co-sign for anyone but I also think mentioning that he needs to pay for his food whilst staying with you would cause unnecessary bad feelings about staying with you? What I would have done is welcome him back and left all discussions about money out until he was here at least. You could then have told him you are now pensioners and struggling for money and if he wants to buy some food it would be gratefully accepted (something on those lines).

As for not answering your texts in your time frame. My family have their phones glued to their hands, yet when I text it can be days before I get a response Constant joke in our family!!!! I don't take it personally though (am just boring ha ha ha)

He has to grow up. From what has happened he has had ample opportunity to settle his life. You have made contact, leave him to respond. If he doesn't get in touch you could of course miss out on the GC. Would his DW not be interested in making contact once she is in Canada? You have to stand firm and not be lured into giving any of your funds to him no matter what. Get on with your life and enjoy, you have done your bit to help DS already.

Your story is my story . The money has gone , I'm off sick from work but still the demands are coming ( for a frivolous lifestyle compared to mine ) He's bled you dry but now using the pyschological tricks of going to his father , and also will resort to ' but it's for the kids ' . Be strong - he's in the wrong . big hugs . I'm now frightened of my daughter , I think you might be feeling the same ?

You are making assumptions about your son - based on past bitter experience I know. Is it not possible that he has changed in anyway? You make no mention of your d-I-l and I wonder how you get on because maybe she has more influence over him then you think and it could be a good influence or is she of the same disposition?
Sending him several messages and expecting replies is a sort of persuit or sign of neediness on your part and can only encourage him to take advantage of you if that is what he is intending to do. You have said welcome and I think you should now step back and let him make the next move.
If his next move is to ask for money you need to explain that whilst you have helped him in the past you are now no longer in a position to do so. Tel him how you are otherwise looking forward to being nearer to him and his family. If you need to reassert that you cannot help financially do so but make it clear you are prepared to support him in other ways. There does however reach a point in our lives of role reversal where we need more help from our children not the other way round though it may take them a while to realise this. Be firm, be friendly and just see how things pan out. Hopefully it may not be as bad as you think.

Well I guess he went to his dad's because he knew you didn't want him at your place? I mean you obviously care about him as you're his mum, but it sounds like you don't really want his company. It sounds like you all understood each other's position some time ago and he is respecting yours by not imposing on your hospitality. Perhaps you can enjoy a civil but not very close relationship with him where you don't get in touch very often, but have an occasional visit? That's probably better than "pushing" the issue and risking a complete falling out.

I think you need to sit back and re-evaluate what you expect from your relationship with your son and family.

You deserve more than someone who only sees you when they are getting something, so count it a blessing that your son isn’t eating you out of house and home, while you build far more resentment. It sounds like you are very resentful of the help you chose to give him in the past.

I can imagine he’s (and his family) are in for quite the culture shock in moving to Canada from Germany, especially wife and kids depending on where you live- there might not be a community for them.

Be prepared to not see them often, they are a fully functional family who have lived away from you, it might take them time to sort you into their routine. I don’t say this to be unkind, but to help make expectations realistic.

As far as staying with his father, you are going to really need to watch that you don’t get into a “jealousy” war with him. You will be the only loser.

I wish you the best

He's a rat and will bleed you dry if you let him. He's using the x to put pressure on you. If you don't get to see your Gran kids there is not much you can do about that. You need to think about yourself, he a big boy he can look after himself. I would ignore him because he's playing games and that will end badly for you. I've seen this happen before and it will put you and your Husband at risk of a life of misery.

Lots of assumptions being made. Maybe the charger on his phone isn’t working or your son is busy settling in. This situation sounds like it is likely to fail because you are anticipating it will. You are almost willing it to. Maybe if you took a more relaxed approach you might be pleasantly surprised.

I do feel for you but I think you're projecting ahead too much. He has barely arrived and certainly hasn't asked you for anything - I think you're putting too much on dreading the moment he does, whereas the moment may well not come at all. And if he does ask, just a firm" no, we don't have spare money any more is all you need to say. You don't need to elaborate or come up with reasons why not. I do also agree that money given in the past should not be thought about now - what you give is given and gone. It's like betting on the horses - never commit money that you can't afford never to see again. Good luck x

Your message will resonate with many. These situations are easier to see when you are not in the middle of them. Essentially we love our children and look forward to a wonderful relationship with our grandchildren. It's often just not that straight forward for may, many reasons. It looks, from the outside, as though your son is pressing every button in your emotional array. The loving mother button - however he has treated you in the past and you recognise it, he is your son. The grandmother button - who fears losing her grandchildren because you won't do as your AC likes and the estranged wife button who sees an ex partner who has 'done nothing' to support this boy now appear to be in favour. Massively hard. Lots of good advice here already. tell him you are no longer in the position to support him financially as you are retired - end of. You simply can't - there is no 'won't' involved. Do not let him manipulate you as he has done previously but remain loving to him and his family. Hope it works out for you.

I too believe that if you help your children it should not come with conditions. You can either afford to help them or you can’t.

I think sometimes the hardest thing to do is nothing but right now that is all you can do. I agree with the many people who have said that messaging him again would be a mistake.
I think it might have been better to have said that you were looking forward to seeing him but would only be able to afford to feed him for a couple of days if he stayed with you.
It does depend on what else was said in the message but to have just arrived in a country to see your family, if the first message that I got was that they would not be able to feed me would feel a bit confronting. Whatever happened in the past, you have not seen him for a while and he is in the middle of a big move with his family that clearly you still want to be part of. I can understand you wanting to make things clear from the off but the timing may have been a bit off. It may just be that he is not a reasonable person and can't be dealt with.
Either way, hopefully when his wife arrives you can start again, welcoming her and the boys and be welcoming but firm.
Whatever happens, you can't afford to put your financial future at risk so you have to be tough if it comes to the crunch.

Stick to your guns (figuratively speaking) CdnNanny.
Wait for him to contact you.
No more money...ever.
He pays for food upfront if he stays with you or else does his own shopping.
Don't be swayed. You have done more than enough so please, smile and do your own thing as he does.
He sounds like a taker never a giver and for goodness sake, don't sign any paperwork to do with him buying or renting property.
He's an adult and needs to get his act together. You and your OH are not his safety net.
Best wishes and good luck.

I am totally sympathetic. I’m also suffering from a manipulative money wasting son. So many times I have resolved not to give him another penny and so many times he has found a new way of getting round me. It is my fault of course I know that. My husband died 20 years ago and left me to cope ( hardly his fault I know). I have reached the point now where the iron is entering my soul. I hope for the resolve to stand firm.
The best of luck with your dilemma.

It goes to show that, making your children aware that they are responsible for their own budgets and that banks are in the High St and not their parent's home, cannot be overestimated.
None of mine have ever asked for or been given money since they started work at 16.
It may sound harsh but in reality, it isn't.

I've not had time to read everything on here but I just saw one sentence which jumped out at me.
You want to have a good relationship with the g children whilst wishing their dad was miles away. Not possible.
You love them as a unit or not at all.

Neither a lender nor a borrower be is still the best advice. Either write off the money given and forget it or resent it and make yourself unhappy. I must admit when family members stay I kill the fatted calf but they generally arrive with wine or gifts and any lengthy stay they will be sent on a supermarket shop and I will offer to reimburse but would be astonished if they accepted. Do the same if he comes and please stop texting. I'm the same - I email and get very upset when there is no reply. DH tells me to keep radio silence. They will contact when they want something. And could he have jet lag? I always neeed a few days recovering from a flight.

Smart to give not lend to adult children. A lesson hard learnt, now you know.

I feel for you CdnNanny.
I have a son who is 40 as well as three other children. We've helped them all to buy properties, help them with major purchases etc. etc. We'd rather they had the money whilst they're relatively young and need the money to set themselves up. And we'd prefer to see them enjoy their lives (as well as pay less to the government when we die).
However one of them treats any help that we give him as his "right" and is always convinced that the others have had more than him.

Just throwing some ideas out here:

The problem with adult children staying at home long after they should have flown the nest is that when one of you says anything, the other reads an entire backstory into that comment.

I don't think you like your son, which is perfectly valid.

You see him as manipulative, which is fair enough, but often our parents' opinion of us turns into a cage that it is hard to escape.

i would wait. dont text anymore.be patient when he wants something he will come running.as he has plenty of money .say to him maybe you could stay at a local hotel,as my hubby and i have several health problems and wouldnt want him to be made uncomfortable. problem sorted he can cater for himself. as to the money was there any agreement signed? for your lending and work on your moms home.?. you wont see any money repaid .if there is no paper work......tell him as now you are retired that you cannot help with any more funding..be firm ....good luck.