No affection in marriage. So sad and lonely.

Sometimes in your young life, you wonder what you're doing, it seems like things won't change, but they do. Having young children is the greatest pressure on a relationship. I think you should stick at it for your children's sake. They need both of you, to them you're a unit and you have to put them first. He sounds a bit lost, perhaps stressed at work. You need to make some small changes though, keep touching him and showing your love, sounds like he needs it. Being a mum is a lonely place at times but nothing stays the same. Make some time for just you and him, ask him what he'd like to do.. It will come good, you just have to treat this as a phase.

Bellasnana Possibly. Maybe even probably. He’s in a line of work where that sort of thing happens an awful lot, and he’s all over the city during the day/evenings. So I do wonder. Years ago I wouldn’t have thought him capable. But it wouldn’t surprise me now.

Thank you all so much for replying. I really do appreciate it. As of last year I have no family any more, so no one else I can talk to.

Luckygirl I do keep trying to tell myself that things will get better, I certainly didn’t expect things to remain the same after the DC were born! But things never do get better. We did go for counselling once before and it seemed to help briefly - she suggested we set aside ten minutes in the evening just to chat - but after a week or two he stopped. I don’t think he wants to do it. I can’t make him to want to spend time with me or talk to me. After so much rejection over the years I don’t have the confidence to reach out to him now either. I’d like to be invisible in his presence

Forestflame Perhaps I should go by myself. I wish I could sort myself out though, get a grip, stop it affecting me so much.

Gonegirl I wish I could! They’re not around anymore. Yes, he gives me a housekeeping allowance. It’s humiliating, but after all, it’s his money. I’ve raised the subject but he absolutely refuses to let me have any input into our finances. I don’t know what any of our bills are. If there was an emergency or something happened to him, I don’t know what I’d do.

I can’t ‘stand up to him’ - I don’t know exactly why. I think it’s essentially because I lacked stability in childhood - everyone around me was transient, no one loved me, and I thought I’d found stability in him. I thought he loved me and would never leave me or give up on me. But he has, in some ways. So I’m petrified of rocking the boat. I’m frightened that if I tell him how I think or feel, he’ll leave. Everyone else has.

I say get out now while you are young enough to restart your life.
There is so much help out there for women like yourself, you do not have to put up with this treatment and if you have any daughters you may sublimally be showing them that this kind of behaviour is acceptable from a man. Sorry if i come across as curt but i feel very strongly on this subject.

I agree with annepl You should not live like this. Talk to your GP about your low mood and ask about counselling. Try taking some small steps toward being more independent.. You need to know about your finances and a few days away with children may give you some breathing space. Bon courage MadameFeuveral

You must not stay with this man for the sake of the children. They will sense that neither of you are happy and that will not help them.
As Lucky says maybe a trip to the GP could help if you are depressed. If not start doing things independent of your husband. Start putting yourself first. Make time to go to the gym or go for a walk. The less you depend on him the more attention he may give you. Try not to sit at home and eat. You need to start feeling good about yourself again. You have produced three lovely children so now it is your turn.
Do you have friends you can rely on?
As Lucky says all marriages have their hard times.

So sorry to read your story. To be blunt you are no age, you have a lot of life ahead of you and if you husband is going out of his way to make you unhappy something is very wrong. Also the inequality in the finances is very worrying in this day and age. 50 years ago it might have been accepted but not nowadays.
You need advise on two fronts...for the relationship and your emotional happiness - to be honest deliberate withholding of affection is borderline abuse. Also you really need to get some financial advice - what your options are.
It sounds as if you feel very defeated by all this and that's is not right. You are worth a lot more and you need advise and support to help you. Talk to a good friend and then get some support to take this further. All the best.

Most definitely NO! You do not have to accept it. And you will be a better parent if you are happy.
Take some action. Find someone to talk to. Make an appointment with relate for yourself. And you need to talk about finances. This is not how to live.
We only get one chance at life. You don't have to sacrifice yours for your children. My daughter left her controlling husband. She is poorer but happy as are her lovely children. Please don't feel it has to be like this.

Forgive me for saying this but do you think it is possible he is having an affair?

Do you think that, during the upcoming school holidays, you could get away from him for a while. Perhaps take the children and stay with your parents.

I think you need to stand up to him more. Tbh he sounds a very unpleasant individual, and he doesn't deserve you.

Don't try to get or give affection anymore. Tell him what you think of him and his nastiness.

As for fiances, I don't understand that. Do you have a joint account? Surely he doesn't give you a housekeeping allowance. Not in this day and age. How does it work?

MadameFeuveral

I am so sorry to hear this. It sounds an awful situation to be in. I don't think you have to accept it though. It sounds as if you have tried to get to the bottom of it to no avail. Would it be worth going to Relate? you don't have to go as a couple, you can go on your own.

I am so sorry that you are so unhappy.

From the great old age of 70 I have to tell you that relationships change as the years go by, and particularly at the time when the demands of 3 children are so pressing. Do not feel that you are alone in this - there are millions of Mums who could have written something similar.

Do you have any family or friends around who might take care of your children for you while you attend to your own needs, so you could go for a jog, go to the hairdresser's etc.? Do you belong to any Mum's groups? - are there any in your area that you could research and join?

Might your OH consider going to Relate with you? - my guess is that he is just as unhappy as you are.

If you think you might have a clinical depression going on here (poor sleep - not just when children wake you up! - early morning waking, feelings of poor self-worth, unable to block out gloomy thoughts etc.) then a trip to the GP might make sense.

You are still you - and still lovely, but in a different way now - your body has produced 3 children and will not be the same as it was when you were a teenager. You need to learn to love yourself again.

All marriages go through barren patches - please do not believe those who say they never have a cross word - it is not true!

We are all here on Gransnet and happy to encourage you through to the other side of this bad patch. xx