ANGRY WITH DH - HOW TO RESOLVE?

I thought that to reboot the Sky box you just unplugged it for 10 mins then plugged it in again! That's how I used to do it.

Hope DH has a change of attitude soon. If the hospital are not concerned he ought not to be either.

All of us, when scared and feeling we are mortal and will die some time (maybe soon) get upset and say silly things, there is nothing personal about it, it is merely a reflection of how fragile your DH is feeling, like an eggshell. 'Don't touch me, I might break' - and like Humpty Dumpty, all the Queen's doctors and all the Queen's nurses won't be able to put me together again.

Personally, if my DH said something like that to me it would have gone over my head and be forgotten by now because I would have understood where it was coming from.

Last week DH was 'advised' by his GP not to drive for the time being, after he had a micro sleep when driving. He is undergoing tests for sleep apnoea. He is feeling much like your DH, RR22, feeling doomed, he will never drive again etc etc. This has lead him to decline in to depression or get over-emotional about everything, (he is a glass half empty person). Not helped by me being hale hearty and in good health. I haven't yet been told that it is all my fault yet, but sooner or later I am sure that will come.

This is laughable in a way because his angry reactions to the small things you ask are way more damaging to his blood pressure than simply pressing a few buttons on a sky box!

It may not be what happened for your husband (and you!) with the health scare but what might have happened and what may happen in the future. It can feel like the start of a slide into frailty. It was particularly interesting for me to read your post, Ramblingrose. I was diagnosed with artherosclerosis and angina 3 years ago. I've worked in hospitals most of my professional life and had not really thought angina was anything serious so I was amazed at how very fragile I felt. I have always been very healthy, was the 'breadwinner" most of our married life and was generally 'in control' of everything. Suddenly I was faced with my mortality and an angiogram!! I 'knew' it was a very safe procedure, often carried out as an out patient, and assured my husband I did not need him to travel to Aberdeen from Orkney with me where I was to have the procedure. However it was not straightforward and they had to stop as an artery was almost completely blocked!! He had to race down to see me on ferries and buses. I eventually had to have 3 stents inserted. The recovery period was a revelation to me. Although he did not treat me as an invalid, he did not question it when I adopted that role, despite being symptom free. He encouraged me to resume my walks which I had abandoned because the chest pain had been unbearable, only showing his anxiety if I was longer away than he anticipated, he did not complain when I left things half done and he continued to be the chief cook and shopper as well as doing all the gardening, fixing things and putting out the dustbins. We had the occasional arguments over the 2 years before I regained my confidence usually about unrelated things, and we shared our fears about what had happened. I think we could have been very angry to have had such a fright too as, latterly there were a couple of very frank exchanges which were quite harmful too. I find I am much more insecure if he is away from the house too long as we both know now exactly how fragile life is. I have made an amazing recovery but it is not so much what happened as what might have happened and may happen in the future which made us both angry and afraid. I found it particularly infuriating when people appeared to belittle my illness, although I realised that I had not understood the implications despite having worked for years with people recovering from strokes! However, I still appreciate my husbands calm acceptance of how I needed to be during my recovery and I have stopped surfing the internet on the subject of my condition......

Be thankful that there was only minor damage and you still have your H.
How difficult will it be to obtain help from others ?YES even something as minor as rebooting a Sky box, until he is back on his feet .

Sorry about your troubles my father had a mild heart attack and had to take beta blockers ,however my Mum had to return to work 9-3 and was only a few minutes away , he festered on this for years she was only doing what she could to pay the mortgage while he was off work, he made her pay for this forever more

It isn’t unusual for people who have a heart attack to suffer fear of death, and anxiety about doing routine things afterwards. Although fortunately, there was only minor damage to an artery, it sounds as if the whole thing was frightening for him and he is still trying to cope with the psychological issues it raised for him. Years ago, he would have been able to see a Health Psychologist after this kind of incident. The Tory cuts mean that the work became so constrained that, just like me, many Psychologists took early retirement. Some were even made redundant as part of ‘efficiency savings’. There is now a shortage of Psychologists. I’d suggest being patient with your husband and encourage him to talk to you about his fears. If he sees his GP, he could be referred for counselling.

It sounds to me that he is frightened but can't actually say it directly. He will be frightened for himself and leaving you unable to cope. Let him know that whatever he feels and thinks, you love him just as much as ever and him distancing himself is not protecting you or him.

Best of luck, it is amazing the healing power of love. From another mere male.

I think that a trip to the GP is in order so that he can get some reassurance. My husband had a heart attack nearly 4 years ago and a specialist nurse reassured him that he was now at no more risk than before. He probably needs to hear those words from a professional as he has had a scare. It would also be worth saying that sitting doing nothing is also a sure fire way to impair your health.

minor damage to artery? is this the aorta? I ask because I have recently discovered I have dilated aorta near heart and it is life threatening and took me months to get over the shock and the fear that I was going to drop dead at any moment of high stress and was told the aorta could even burst on the loo...dont carry anything over 5kg etc. so he might know some of these things and he might think you are not taking it seriously. Make sure his blood pressure is kept low. Perhaps some of your anger is denial. Ive gone into denial now, it's much the best way but you have to go through the stages and make sure you are doing all you can. Better safe than sorry.

While intellectually your husband may understand that he need not worry about his heart. emotionally it is a different story. He is clearly frightened and may even think the doctor has missed something.
It might help to wait until you are both relatively relaxed and you can ask him how he feels about the whole thing. I suspect that you too are still slightly in shock, feeling a bit vulnerable and angry about the change to your lives. You could tell him this too. Agree to support each other in any way that you can. What you give out, you get back. it is hard to be rude or unkind to someone who is showing you unconditional love. It sometimes takes men a little longer to appreciate this concept and people will sometimes be more badly behaved with people they love because they know that their loved ones may dislike the behaviour but will still love the person. They would never be so rude to a stranger or even a friend.

also has he been put on beta blockers? they can make some people very tired and lacking energy both physical and mental...hence the skybox outburst - like a brain fog ...he might need to change the type or lower the dose.

I can't help with your marriage difficulties, Ramblingrose22, although I think that perhaps a little bit of stiff upper lip until your DH gets his equanimity back might be the way forward, rebooting the Sky Box is simple. Just unplug it, leave it for a couple of minutes and then plug it back in. When it restarts, it should have cleared any gremlins, start any updates and be back to normal very quickly.

My DH was seriously ill three years ago and had to have two stents which improved matters but he's not as strong as he was and takes a wide range of medication. He seem to need a lot of sleep now and gets ratty. Since its an inherited condition there is little he can do about it, and he refuses to try to lose weight though I'm sure it would be good for him. The consultant just told him to "live a normal life" - I wish he had asked him to try to lose some weight.
I think his occasional bad temper and frustration is down to not being able to do as much as he used to do, though this would probably not be noticable to an outsider. He also lost his best friend (at 70) within less than a year of his own illness. I suppose he feels that his life will not go on for as long as he'd hoped - he actually makes jokes about it, which is good I believe.
I do find the rattiness irritating, expecially since it is always directed at me. He makes more effort when we are with others and probably appears no different to them.
The other result of the illness and medication seems to be that he walks much more slowly so it takes us ages to get anywhere. He also drives like an old fart man!

I think men dwell more on ill health than women, and if they’ve had a scare they’re sure it’s going to happen again, but worse next time.

I have no words of comfort for you. It must be horrid.

Your'e not alone in this. This happened to both my sister and cousins when their respective husbands were diagnosed with a life threatening heart condition. Both husbands treated their spouses very badly (they still are at times). Probably angry at the thought that we're all infallible and fearful of dying.

It's a typical man thing.Looking back,my husband had a personality change some years ago,but he just wasn't well and didn't like to talk about it.I wish he was still here,grumpy or not

He's making a mountain out of a molehill.

My husband had triple heart surgery last year and was very ill afterwards. He is still not one hundred per cent. He carries on as normal - doing the garden, changing car tyres, etc, etc, and never complains.

I agree, it is good for a person to learn how to do the sort of job that you have mentioned because it can be a nuisance hanging around waiting for someone else to do it. But I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your husband to do it. Using this sort of reasoning, you'll end up doing absolutely everything.

Ill-health is one of the things where, in my experience, men and women react very differently.

Men either behave like OP's as if they were at death's door, when there is only something fairly minor the matter, or absolutely refuse to believe there is anything wrong at all.

Women are better at discussing things that worry them, but men don't want to talk (or to listen, when we are ill).

Give him time; if he still persists in behaving like an invalid, have a word with his doctor and discuss the problem with him, before your husband gets an appointment.

I believe all wives have at times had their husband make a really hurtful remark, and to be fair, I know I on one occasion made a remark that wasn't intended to be hurtful, but which wounded my husband very badly.

When this happens, the person who made the remark cannot really do anything except apologise.

Hanging on to the hurt does no good, but give yourself time too to get what was said.

Thanks to everyone who has contributed, soothed and advised. It is greatly appreciated. And I am sorry to hear of other people's illnesses or those of their partners.

In order to resolve the situation and avoid further angry scenes I have laid down three rules for him to follow in future based on behaviour of his that I am no longer prepared to put up with.

I wrote these rules as items on his shopping list this morning so that he would definitely see them. They are:

1. He is not to accuse me of things I haven't done and often don't even know about.

2. He is not make personal attacks against me. (He is better than that.)

3. He is not to make feeble jokes to others when we are out, including feeble jokes about me that denigrate me in public.

He said nothing after he returned so I had to ask if he had seen the rules and if he agreed to them. He said "Yes, Sorry."

We will see what happens.

Bonne chance Ramblingrose22 and may the force be with you

If he's not usually like it perhaps he's still feeling unwell or even worried.Some medications do change people's personalities. Perhaps you could google any medication he's on and see if this is a side effect. I would say bite your tongue........say nothing, men aren't exactly the best with any illness

Hi Rambling Rose 22. I can see both sides here. I had a massive heart attack x2 eight weeks ago and needed surgery to unblock an artery. I know your husband didn't have an actual heart attack but I do know how he's feeling! This comes as an almighty shock to the system to know you have had a warning and it makes you very scared that it could happen again and this time it could be the end. My advise is to talk honestly about how you are both feeling,because you both have had a shock, you say he has a damaged artery so there is obvious cardiac damage, this makes you very tired for weeks, as the heart needs to recover, iam eight weeks in and exhausted by the afternoon. Please cut him some slack, he's obviously shocked, worried and anxious about the future. Good luck

Can’t help wondering why posters are suggesting that an adult man should be treated in the same way as a small child. He is, after all, old enough to take responsibility for the way he treats others - his life partner in particular. But if he was to be treated like a naughty child, then the question would surely be: how do I teach him that this is not appropriate, because if I don’t, it’s only going to get worse.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.